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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

40 yr old bachelor needs some advice!

634 replies

saracenandy · 21/10/2008 15:12

Ladies

Can you help? I seem to have long term problems developing relationships with women. I consider myself attractive, active, fit, successful in sport (ex pro rugby player) and business (MD of my own company) but am increasingly frustrated with women I have relationships with. Most do not last more than 3 months.

After a number of initial successes over the years, the ladies have soon lost interest or they just play extraordinary games. I have Tourette's, epilepsy and echopraxia, and when women discover this it seems to be the catalyst for ending what we have, even after things are going swimmingly. BTW my condition does not involve spontaneous profanities or major fits, and I do not consider myself a liability, just in case you wanted to go there! In most respects I consider myself normal. :-)

I have a very comfortable lifestyle but my generosity is often abused. I do not consider myself needy or emotional. I'm not flashy or advertise my wealth. I'm just a sound guy with lots to offer the right woman, so why is it all so difficult?

For instance, my current girlfriend problem is unusual even by my standards. She is 40 also, photographer, beautiful, very sexy, lots of fun, GSOH, and after 6 months I have fallen in love. Trouble is there is no intimacy between us. Last time we snogged was in May, and we've never slept together. She claims she has old-fashioned values, which translates as "I have to submit to her every whim, pay for everything, be at her beck and call, only go out or see each other on her terms etc, etc". Thing is, I don't succumb to her needs, yet she always keeps bouncing back thinking there's nothing wrong, when I tell her its over.

Is it me, or do women of my age not know the word compromise, and don't want to understand me?

Any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

OP posts:

SylvieSprings · 22/10/2008 10:35

No, are you a musician, RantinEminor ?

Flightattendant2 · 22/10/2008 10:35

(You're not my ex, are you??)

lou33 · 22/10/2008 10:35

www.smoothmethod.com

i can maybe get you a discount

piratecat · 22/10/2008 10:36

this post of 10.24 is the most down to earth you have written.

let it out and be honest and then we women 'get you' iyswim.

the last few sentences show 'you' more. Remember this is a forum, and you have to give lots of info about 'you' to get better feedback.

Flightattendant2 · 22/10/2008 10:39

Still waiting for comment on my post below.

Fwiw I am reading between the lines that you're quite angry about women in general, particulrly the ones you can't catch iyswim. It comes across like you're saying 'how dare they not makes themselves available to me? I am exactly the kind of guy they need'.

It really does sound like that.

lou33 · 22/10/2008 10:41

thats why he reminds me of the man i know

eeewahwoowah · 22/10/2008 10:43

Dumbledores Girl. I have to say I read that sentence and it didn't make my skin crawl. We all want to be loved and respected by our partners. As long as saracenandy accepts that love and respect go both ways - which I am sure he does.

I am glad you came back saracenandy. There are good women out there for good men. Throw your net a bit wider, look in a few new places and who knows what you might find.

MarshaBrady · 22/10/2008 10:44

Reading your most recent post I don't think it should be hard for you to find someone nice to be with.

Don't give up, there are loads of decent women. Ok lots are already in relationships but there are many others.

DumbledoresGirl · 22/10/2008 10:45

I accept we all want to be respected and saracenandy is right to want that in his relationship. But it is not the sort of thing I would voice. IMO, if you love someone you do respect them so all he should have said is he wants someone who loves him (and, I would add, someone who accepts you for who you are, car included ) By specifically listing respect in his list of wants, it made him sound like the sort of man who thinks women should fall at his feet in adoration. That is what I meant.

RantInEminor · 22/10/2008 10:50

No Sylvie. I am a Ranter.

I just thought that you might be as you had posted the suggestion a bit further down the thread. I was intrigued to be honest.

RantInEminor · 22/10/2008 10:53

Sorry but I think the 'respect' thing is being a bit overplayed here.

Original poster

saracenandy · 22/10/2008 10:54

Thanks for your 8.28am post FlightAttendant2, it was helpful, and apologies for not responding sooner but the Tube was murder this morning.

I think some of my peripheral issues have come about because of my childhood. Because of my conditions my Mum found it very difficult to cope, and my stepfather saw kids as a very low priority. I had some serious behavioural problems right up to age 16, linked to bullying at school, loneliness, psychiatric problems. I couldn't speak properly until I was about 8 or 9 (can't remember exactly) which meant I couldn't express myself. I don't believe I had any love in my like as a child, and its probably inevitable I seek it now.

So your suggestions certainly do sound plausible. I've attend psychotherapy three times a week for the past 10 months; its exhausting and I've uncovered a few demons but I'm gradually making progress.

I do read every post and deal with each on its merits. But thanks to all of you for reading and I appreciate all of the constructive and supportive posts.

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 22/10/2008 10:57

I don;t expect any poster on any thread to acknowledge every comment (and yes I have have a day job too ).

But Andy you haven't acknowledged or even attempted to discuss what the majority of posters spotted as being a key problem.

This woman that you think is your girlfriend is not, by any normal woman's assessment, a girlfriend. How is your relationship with her that of "girlfriend"? Why do you love her? What does she do that is so loveable? She sounds like a casual friend who isn't that into you but likes being taken out to nice places.

I don't see how any constructive comments can be made if you can't see that, or even acknowledge it.

DISCLAIMER:

Obviously my questions are rhetorical and I am stating them for my own purposes and amusement only and am not expecting the OP to enter into any form of dialogue with me in any way.

MascaraOHara · 22/10/2008 10:57

Just come back to say thanks to FA who said waht I was thinking and saves me the trouble re. the mother asking advice comment.

An in the interest of serious debate... Why are we assumed to be man-haters?

SylvieSprings · 22/10/2008 10:58

Sorry to disappoint, RantinEm, the repeat posting was just in case Saracenandy missed it the first time.

RantInEminor · 22/10/2008 11:00

Wow. That's a lot to contend with saracenandy. I am glad the therapy is working out. Once you have worked through your demons, you might find your love life just falls into place. I hope so anyway.

Flightattendant2 · 22/10/2008 11:00

Andy - brilliant. This is more like it mate

I'm having psychotherapy too. Fwiw I think 10 months probably isn't quite long enough to kind of enable a person to be ready for a relationship.

It does explain a lot if that's what your childhood was like - it sounds very emotionally deprived and I am so sorry to hear that. The best thing is that you're aware of it though and are trying to help yourself by having the therapy.

I am most encouraged by that.

(Btw I haven't met many chaps willing to have therapy, you're unusual there - keep it up and I might add you to my list!! )

Original poster

saracenandy · 22/10/2008 11:04

Mumsnetters, for the record, I agree current is not my girlfriend and as of last night its all over. All of you who told me that are quite correct and I've dealt with it.

And do you know what?.... she just laughed at me! Staggered !

OP posts:

Flightattendant2 · 22/10/2008 11:06

The next thing is, you have to stop looking. This is really hard. I was desperate for a bloke for a long time. I chose the wrong sort rpeatedly. Then i stopped trying. It's taken me a good while but now I have reached a point where I don't 'need' one - it's a tentative stage and I think will need to become a lot more tangible before I can move on to the next one, that is actually being ready to accept someone into my life.
This is all taking years.

The damage done in a few years of childhood can take many years to undo in adult life.

It's only fair to ourselves and our potential partners to allow ourselves time to heal before we start out on something which requires a lot of emotional strength like a relationship. It's a bit like getting a pet. You can desire a puppy or a cat but it doesn't mean you are good enough to have it, look after it, give to it what it needs.

I have found this with pets and partners
You need to be somewhere where you can look at it as what you can give to that pet or person rather than what you need them to give to you.

I want to keep talking with you as I have never met a bloke in therapy.

SixSpotBonfire · 22/10/2008 11:06

well done

and well done on the way you've responded on this thread

today is the first day of the rest of your life

eeewahwoowah · 22/10/2008 11:07

DISCLAIMER:

Obviously my questions are rhetorical and I am stating them for my own purposes and amusement only and am not expecting the OP to enter into any form of dialogue with me in any way.

But Kewcumber. On a 13 page thread, with 318 posts all offering advice, how is it possible to acknowledge each one individually?

In any case, I think saracenandy's last post is an acknowledge of all support offered.

Right must do some work!

Rose100 · 22/10/2008 11:08

I must admit I was totally in agreement with stayfrosty when I first read this thread, but am wavering now. In fact, the OP's last posts made me feel a bit weepy. If he is genuine, then he will get some honest, no holds advice and empathy on here (if he persists) which seems to be missing in his RL.

Still not sure if it's the right forum for a childless chap though.

Original poster

saracenandy · 22/10/2008 11:08

Flight - my therapist expects it to last up to 3 years. By then she's going to be as wealthy as me from the fees!

In the meantime, I find the best strategy is to take each day as it comes.

OP posts:

Flightattendant2 · 22/10/2008 11:13

Yes that sounds like a good start - my parents have had a lot of therapy and they are better than they were. I'm talking maybe 10 years or more.
It depends how much damage was done though.

It is very expensive, you're lucky to be in a position to afford it. That's one good thing about lots of money! Mine is NHS, which means terirble waiting lists, 6 months maximum of actual treatment and then you get passed into a group which I haven't yet started but am dreading tbh. Apparently you can stay in the group for 3 years.

I just want to be Ok enough to have a normal life. I get very depressed, that's my thing.

Original poster

saracenandy · 22/10/2008 11:16

Anyone for a coffee break? Back in 15.

OP posts:

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