40 yr old bachelor needs some advice!

[saracenandy]

Ladies

Can you help? I seem to have long term problems developing relationships with women. I consider myself attractive, active, fit, successful in sport (ex pro rugby player) and business (MD of my own company) but am increasingly frustrated with women I have relationships with. Most do not last more than 3 months.

After a number of initial successes over the years, the ladies have soon lost interest or they just play extraordinary games. I have Tourette's, epilepsy and echopraxia, and when women discover this it seems to be the catalyst for ending what we have, even after things are going swimmingly. BTW my condition does not involve spontaneous profanities or major fits, and I do not consider myself a liability, just in case you wanted to go there! In most respects I consider myself normal. :-)

I have a very comfortable lifestyle but my generosity is often abused. I do not consider myself needy or emotional. I'm not flashy or advertise my wealth. I'm just a sound guy with lots to offer the right woman, so why is it all so difficult?

For instance, my current girlfriend problem is unusual even by my standards. She is 40 also, photographer, beautiful, very sexy, lots of fun, GSOH, and after 6 months I have fallen in love. Trouble is there is no intimacy between us. Last time we snogged was in May, and we've never slept together. She claims she has old-fashioned values, which translates as "I have to submit to her every whim, pay for everything, be at her beck and call, only go out or see each other on her terms etc, etc". Thing is, I don't succumb to her needs, yet she always keeps bouncing back thinking there's nothing wrong, when I tell her its over.

Is it me, or do women of my age not know the word compromise, and don't want to understand me?

Any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

"If nothing else, the nasty comments should have given the OP a bit of an indication as to how totally unimpressed most women are by men who go on about how rich they are."

Are they? I remember my dh when I first met him wowing me with expensive dates. I was very impressed! The fact that it was all a bit of an illusion only made it more attractive. (We have been together 18 years btw so I think that qualifies us for a successful relationship).

that';s true MoH. He was really rude to you and Lulu right at the start. Of course nobody liked him much after that!

I think MN is actually a perfectly reasonable place to come for advice about relationships - it's a fair bet most MNers are either in or have been in a proper relationship at some time and you can't say the same of singles boards or dating forums. If Andy thinks maybe there is a problem with all modern women () then it's better all round for him to come here rather than find a bunch of single loser men who will just agree with him and sit there and whine that all women are bitches. One of the good things about the internet is it can take you out of your comfort zone wrt the sort of views you see expressed, and to want to do this is basically healthy I think.

He clearly has a problem with how he comes across. Might be a knob underneath, might not, you simply can't tell from a few posts. Normally MN degenerating into rudeness and people laughing at someone who asks for help is a bit unedifying. However, if you want to succeed in the dating world it's quite useful to have someone who is ruthless with you about how you come across. Hence I think in this case even the insulting posts ought to be potentially useful if he chooses to think about them hard enough.

"Are they? I remember my dh when I first met him wowing me with expensive dates. I was very impressed! "

Oh maybe it's just me then - probably never met anyone rich enough to impress me

Kathy - dh wasn't either but he gave a good impression for a while. I found it attractive I have to say, but then obviously I found everything about him attractive in those early days!

Presumably he had more strings to his bow than just his money....

Sorry but I think he sounds quite sweet - maybe a little misguided but sweet.

He was still posting when I was giving sensible advice. He hadn't gone off anywhere, he was just choosing not to address anything anyone said just repeated what a great catch he was.

Many people repeatedly told him his error was in thinking this woman was his girlfrined when in fact she isn't. Or the oddest definition of girlfriend I've ever come across - I pay for stuff and therefore she is my girlfriend. She doesn't have sex with me, kiss me or even seem very interested in meeting me. But she bought me cufflinks and I am generous to her therfore she is my girlfriend.

I don't have a huge issue with a single man trying to get advice on here. I don't even care if he is a troll - no harm, no foul in this case. But if he were genuine (either in being what he says he is or in really wanting to know where he's going wrong), he would have engaged with some of it. Any of it.

I don't care if he's real or not! It's all just pixels on a screen when I'm supposed to be getting on with work.

MoH. So, if a woman, a mother, started a thread on the Relationships board asking for advice as to why her relationships never work out you would tell her to get lost and go to a dating site for advice? I think not.

I think the OP was perfectly reasonable to come to this board for advice.

Also, this idea that the OP deserves a full-on, multi-post, drubbing because he was rude first is rather juvenile. Would we advise our kids to do this. "Yes sweetie, if somebody is rude to you at school, don't walk away and ignore it, instead get all your friends together and en masse really have a good go at them. Be as rude and aggressive as you like"

If a mother asked that stuff on a mothers' forum, fine. If a single bloke with no kids decides to pick our brains, we are doing him a favour.

That's the difference. I wish I had redirected him to media requests or something.

"he didn't address/listen to/take our advice"
Therefore it was open bloody season.

Umm well the clue was in the OP...

"Any thoughts or suggestions appreciated" - outrageous that anyone who took the time to take his post seriously and answer should expect him at the very least to acknowledge their input. How very unreasonable of me to resort to the odd bit of sarcasm.

"So, if a woman, a mother, started a thread on the Relationships board asking for advice as to why her relationships never work out you would tell her to get lost and go to a dating site for advice? I think not."

No but if she completely ignored what everyone said then yes I would expect her to get a similar "drubbing". Don't ask people to give up their time to help then get sniffy when they don't say what you want. Why get pissy with people who weren't helpful (no doubt becasue they were understandably sceptical that OP was real) but ignore thse who were helpful?

Ummm well. Why the hell does he have to acknowledge every individual blardy post on a thread. He asked for thoughts and suggestions, he got them. Leave it at that. You said your bit and if your post wasn't individually responded to then boo-hoo, jog on.

Thanks for some more good points Kathy and RantInEMinor. Why should I pay any heed to the insults, juvenile comments and man-haters who seem to have had great pleasure in writing a skip full of vitriolic nastiness? I can count the sensible, supportive posts on one hand, and I certainly don't need to justify my existence in order to fuel the rants going on here! Most of you have judged me because I haven't rushed to answer your questions (I have a day job don't forget) and you read between the lines too much and far too inaccurately. Perhaps some of you are obsessed with wealth, seeing as you've been ranting on about it endlessly.

I posted with every good intention, to generate some interesting, constructive debate but primarily to find a few answers I couldn't get anywhere else.

Bottom line is, I'd love to have a woman in my life who is straightforward, honest and can show me some love and respect. Trouble there are so few of you out there. I'll take an another guy's kids, be a great dad, build a terrific home life for my family, if only I get the opportunity.

Wait for it.......

I wrote you what I thought was quite a helpful posty about an hour ago Andy. Would you care to acknowledge or comment on that? I'm up for interesting debate if you are but you've ignored what I said.

Seconds out. Round 2.

Saracenandy- may I suggest that you include a photo of yourself if you intend to advertise?

If indeed, you are really seeking advice about sustaining a relationship, singles coaching may help:

www.parship.co.uk/docs/public/coaching/hotline.xhtml

Best of luck!

Two hours rather. And it wasn't a 'posty'.

Sylvie are you a singles coach?

I am not a man hater Saracenandy, and I adore wealth. Don't worry on that score!

I am a little unnerved though when you write that you want a woman to respect you. Of course, we all want to be respected, but just your inclusion of the word respect in your line "I'd love to have a woman in my life who is straightforward, honest and can show me some love and respect", well, personally, that makes my skin crawl. It sounds like you are after someone who will bow down to your every wish and sit at your feet adoringly. I am sure that is not what you mean, but that is how it comes across.

My suggestion would be to carry on going to places you like, doing things you enjoy, and you will meet your partner there.

Yes I agree DG. 'Show me some respect' does sound aggressive. I'm not sure how it was intended.