Falling really badly for gorgeous total stranger??? *long, sorry *

[Portmeirion]

Namechanger

So the title says it all.

A few weeks ago I was in the park with DS, and there was this chap sitting on the grass with a model plane. DS watches him flying it completely fascinated, and the bloke saw this and then looked up and smiled at me, then he said to DS, Here, do you want a go? And he let DS fly this plane and fetch it back a few times.

After a bit he said he had to go, and stood up, and DS wanted to carry on playing with the plane, and he smiled at me again and said Sorry, is he going to hassle you to buy him one now? Then went off.

Pushed DS on the swings a bit, and then went for a coffee. It was busy and I'm looking around for somewhere to sit, and who do I see...yes, Model Plane Boy there already. DS saw him too and ran over, so I went over to get him back and MPB said we should sit there because he was going and we could have his table and sofa. He looked very pointedly at both my hands, checking for rings, then he asked if he could buy my coffee!!

Did I mention I really fancied him? He isn't my usual type at all, I like beefy rugby player types and he's thin and quite geeky looking but very good looking. Blond with big grey eyes but he has this lovely manner about him - stands up when I come in, listens without interrupting, and never takes his eyes off me. His name is Joel. I even like his name.

I had to get DS to nursery (he does afternoons) so had to go. J is out of work at the moment - he had meningitis and then got something else in hospital, so he lost a lot of weight and then while he was off work they laid him off. He doesn't care because he claimed on his insurance and had a lump sum, but he still gets tired easily. He sort of flops gratefully into chairs and then hardly moves, just lounges around looking chilled.

Anyway I couldn't see him because of work and stuff and also I don't want to see him with DS tagging along, getting attached to someone who might not be sticking around (anyone basically). But last week he rang me and we spent 3 HOURS on the phone! He has an older half-brother - his dad married his mum when she had a boy from a previous relationship so I guess he's not fazed by DS.

We got together yesterday (DS had a party) and had a lovely couple of hours - tea and chat outside on a sunny autumn day. He made a paper aeroplane for me to take home for DS which I thought was sweet. He says the most charming things in a very innocent way. He asked me if the coat I had on was expensive and when I said no he said Well you make it look expensive. He said he let DS play with the plane because then I'd have to talk to him...

He wants to take me out for dinner this Friday but I can't get a babysitter - I don't know many people round here except other mums from nursery who'd be in the same boat. Also I am thinking Wait a minute, he doesn't have a job, I don't know him, I don't know anyone who knows him and although I've got his phone number I don't even know where he lives. Why hasn't he got a GF? He says he broke up with someone last year. All I know is what he's told me.

Basically he is an almost total stranger but I can't stop thinking about him, I feel like we really connected on the phone and I really, really want to sleep with him (haven't had sex for ~2 years and I even told him that...)...I've been having very detailed dirty thoughts about him . But I don't know what to say about Friday, if I say no because of the babysitter, will he not bother again?

So am I being really rash? At times I think maybe that's what he does? Maybe he's a paedo who picks up single mums in parks? Or am I being paranoid?

He doesn't sound like a paedo.

Sorry if this is a bit but you prob shouldn't have mentioned the sex thing as it does make one sound a bit, well, desperate! and definitely would hold out actually doing it till you have stopped feeling desperate.

The other thing that stands out is that he has an older half brother. Now as soon as I read this I thought, 'yes, and he thinks you are a bit like his mum then'. So how does he feel about his mum??? Genuine BIG question.

I say this because when I've dated men who had seen the whole single parent situation from the point of view of the child, some of them have actually been quite horrible in a very subtle way. One of them picked up that I wasn't very house proud and seemed to like that I reminded him of his mother, and the fact he treated her with utter disdain made me quite sure he would do that to me.

So watch out for anything snidey (or even joky) against his mum.
And he may well have been very jealous of his big brother and want to set that straight by being the one in power now - which doesn't bode well for your son iyswim.

BUT on the other hand he might have a fabulous relationship with them both and it could go completely the other way

I really hope so

Good luck but don't shag him for 6 months and be very sure you trust him 110% before ds gets close to him.

Also I would be a bit wary about the whole 'massages' thing

Yes. ahem.

And please don't sleep with him yet. It was my fatal mistake both times and things went disastrously wrong. You need to keep him at arms length for a bit or he will sense you haven't enough self esteem to think he'll hang around without sex.

That isn't meant to sound mean but it is the product of a couple of awful relationships when I felt kind of like I 'had to' do it because they expected it and I felt it would be rude not to iyswim - like saying I didn't trust them? Which actually I shouldn't have done...

I think you need to be grooming him for a life of parenthood at this stage. Because that's what it's about -wanting to be together during all the rough stuff as well as packing off the dc's so you can have a nice shag this will definitely come later, it will happen in time if he is committed.
He has to not care about that and if he truly loves you he won't mind waiting a bit. He'll just want to be around you.

The thing about asking people to babysit - I felt the same and as it turned out I ended up feeling really awful that I'd asked them to sit while i had fun with what turned out to be a horribley unsuitable bloke

So bear that in mind, as it's you who will feel upset if you've that responsibility and it all goes wrong!

This all sounds really negative and harsh and isn't supposed to be but I SO wish I had known all this before I messed up with a few men. I don't want you to feel the same in a few months x

'...unless you count being used for sex as being in relationship...he just said as long as everyone's clear upfront that that's how it is then it's OK, then he changed the subject.'

NO! Oh golly. I missed this bit. I'm so sorry but that sounds like he was trying to 'make it clear upfront'.

I am really sorry but I don't trust this guy. 10 days in Oman with massages and getting it in quick that it's ok to use someone for sex as long as they know that's what you want in advance, I am so sorry but this is all ringing BIG alarm bells now.

I hope I am wrong.

I don't think the massages bit is iffy at all- my DH would love those in a posh spa!

Do agree that a first date should not be at home, with a man you don't really know, or with the temptation of bed so easily available.

I am sure you know this, but I have male friends who go out with single mums- they ( the men) often see it as a no strings relationship, with "easy" sex on offer-and often it is on offer- but the women are also looking at them as replacement fathers for their DCs. And, their are plenty of women around who do think that if they shag a guy he will stay with them. They usually end up dumped and unhappy. Of course, this is not ALWAYS the case, but as someone else has said, you want a man who wants to be with you to do all kinds of stuff, not just having a shag.

I can't quite understand why you are reluctant to ask family to babysit? Are you ashamed to be dating? Are you worried they would disapprove? Do they not want to see you settled again? Have you no friends who can babysit, or is there not a babysitting group in your area? This to me seems to be your biggest problem, rather than if this guy is Jack the Ripper or a paedo.

I don't think he was trying to "make it clear upfront" - it's a perfectly valid comment to make about other people in other situations.

I'm going to feel awful if this turns out to be a bad idea aren't I? I've no idea why I'm fighting this guy's corner so much - I swear I'm not related or his bezzie mate I just think it's a shame because, as we hear about so many bar stewards on MN, we stay on guard (and rightly so), but when someone pleasant comes along, it means we often read too much into them. What's a guy to do?

no I could be completely wrong. I'm just trying to put the other side I suppose having been stung so often myself.

There's just something vaguely not ringing true for me, I hate to say it, but the fact he goes away a lot on his own, and seems sort of ill, and what he said about being clear in advance - I mean why would you even say that, I think if someone mentioned to me that they had been 'used for sex' in previous relationships, I would say 'Oh gosh how horrid for you, it must make it difficult to trust again' - or something like that, not start defending the practice as a fair enough way of going about things - as long as you have the conversation before you start using the person.

I might be reading far too much into it - nobody knows him, and I really, really hope that he is a brilliant bloke and that you have nothing to worry about. but the fact you mentioned that part of your phone call, made me wonder if you felt uneasy about it like I did.

Sorry if I sounded wet blanketish. I think you will know if he is a good'un, hope he is

I don't think he was implying he just wanted a NSA shag. That's all he was getting from his last GF and he wasn't happy about it. She obviously wanted an arm's length relationship with dinner dates and sex, but no intimacy. It ended when he decided to drop her, not call again and see how long it took her to notice. She called him after 2 weeks but she still hadn't noticed. In her world, it was normal to speak to your bloke twice a month.

So he's not really sure when it ended. He stopped calling her last August and she may have finally noticed by about Xmas

Daft cow!

His mother died when he was 3. She got something in hospital too. He says he can feel her, but he can't really remember her. His mother's sister helped out. I didn't ask him about this, just let him say what he wanted to.

His dad remarried when he was 9. They are "Dad and Carol", not Dad and stepmum. His brother is his bestest bestest mate and married to one of J's university friends. After he came out of hospital they moved in with him for a few weeks to look after him.

You find out a lot in 3 hours....

Not really sure about Friday. I think he's trying to be helpful. But there is always the possibility we'd end up in bed. Actually it's not a possibility it's a certainty. If he asked me to, I would.

I have a 2 bedroom flat. DS has one room and I have the other. If I got family to babysit I'd also have to put them up in the living room. So I wouldn't be able to invite him in and also if I did it would look like I wanted him to meet my mother.

DS is not good with babysitters he doesn't already know. My dad paid for a maternity nurse after DS was born; I've texted her to see if she's free.

Also if he enjoys travelling so much, alone, you might want to ask if he is going to want to give that up once he is ensconced with you and your son...

Ok I'll admit why I'm being like this, having just figured it out myself!

I knew a really lovely and very attractive bloke, for a good few years. He worked in a garage nearby and seemed very shy, yet had a sardonic sense of humour and would always smile at me in a knowing way. I wrote him a note once asking him out and he came round and said he'd like that. I was blown away.

We ahd a few 'dates' and chatted a fair bit, snogged, etc etc. This was before I had ds1.
It never progressed as I kind of chickened out when things got too 'hot'.
Then I had ds1. I was single again and we met by chance and he didn't seem remotely bothered that I had a child. We didn't date but we hung out a bit, and one evening when ds1 was 3, he rang (it had been about a year!) and came round and we were talking, watching TV etc, and he started to kiss me. I didn't mind too much but I felt I hardly knew him - he was quite hard to talk to, very very shy, put on silly voices etc. a lot. Despite being extremely clever, he had built up a single life that he loved - worked nights, went travelling a LOT and did everything alone. He was about 41 by this time. Never married, no kids.

I was interested but then when ds was playing up and wouldn't go to bed, he said something rather derogatory about my child, and I decided there and then that he wasn't bothered about me having children because they didn;'t even figure in his plans. He liked me but ds was an inconvenience. It was very sad but I suddenly wanted someone who would be a dad to ds, appreciate him and love him - not be in competition for my attention and love. I didn;'t have enough to share between them.

So later when he offered to get takeaway and come back, I didn;t ask him to come back and he didn't.

I haven't seen him again but I just think he was too happy being alone and wouldn't want children to get in the way of that.

Your lovely chap might well be different, you can be friends if nothing else - but i just wanted to share.

Sorry for rambling!

X posted...he sounds very interesting.

I'll be back later for more analysis

Can't understand the babysitting issue tbh.
You don't HAVE to invite him in! Surely it would be better to leave DC with someone he knows, and then you go out to dinner and are brought back home and have a kiss at the end of the evening? or am I being too old fashioned and completely out of touch?

IMO asking a guy to "come in for coffee" is a bit of a direct invitation for a shag, in their minds, unless you have made it clear that you aren't up for that on the 1st proper date.

Are you sure in your own head what you want?

Read with interest.

DON'T HAVE A DATE AT YOUR HOME...

Not good idea. Can you laugh it off and say your very protective friend (ie us!) has recommended you go out somewhere public as he could be a weirdo, and completely laugh about it, but also giving him the idea that you are wise to it? Do you see what I mean?

He needs to know that actually you are warey (SP?) about him and don't know enough about him.

IMO it sounds like his story adds up. I wouldn't be too worried about what he has told you. Plenty of reasons why him messing around with aeroplane adds up, if he has been ill, out of work, he didn't follow you to the coffee shop, things seem to have progressed quite naturally etc etc.

Be careful though. It is exciting, but take it slow. Nothing wrong in that.

Flightattendant

He doesn't really seem "ill". He sort of has the air of someone who's just spent 12 hours doing something tiring.

He wasn't defending the use-for-sex practice, he's been on the other end of being treated casually and didn't like it.

Taking stock, so far I have

• bumped into this man once
• been for 1 coffee with him
• had 2 looong phone cons with him

Friday would actually be the first "date" (he used that word. "Do you date?"). It doesn't feel like it, but it would be. So I'm not going to put myself in a position where I could sleep with him, because then I probably would , and I don't want this to burn out.

He can wait till he gets back from Oman....

The babysitting issue is two issues - one, I don't like to leave DS with a stranger in case he wakes up, and then doesn't know who she is. The other issue is that I don't get out that much and have never really needed babysitters that often anyway. So I've never had to find a supply of local babysitters.

Former maternity nurse has now said she can do it, so I am going to call him and say it's on. I'll also ask him for his landline number.

Feel much better about this than having him over or not going at all.

Now need something to wear. I think he's quite casual but don't want to show up underdressed.

we can help with the dressing once we know where he's taking you!!

I know a lot of 31 year old men who play with model aeroplanes/ frisbees/ etc in the park (admittedly they don't play frisbee on their own..that would be boring.) It all sounds fab, like something out of a Nick Hornby novel. Obviously take all usual precautions.

OK now you have it sorted!! Go out and enjoy yourself. Take the time to get to know him better without the stress of having DS around.

Tread carefully - take precautions (and I don't just mean condoms!!!!) Don't jump head first.

How exciting

i have broken so many of these rules, no wonder i am still single

have a good time, do whatever you want as long as you dont feel pressured into it

I don't think there's anything wrong with him going places on his own. When you're single and have the inclination to see the world you have two choices. You either wait for the right person to come along to do it with, but what if that person never comes along? or you do it on your own.

If I was single and had the time and the money and the inclination I certainly wouldn't let other people's views on the issue stop me.

Flightattendent tbh I think you are reading too mmuch of your own experiences into this. This man isn't the man you did/didn't date, and as yet he hasn't displayed the trates of this man (the children not fitting into his life etc).

Op I think you need to go with what you feel. If you like him then go out with him. If it is meant to be, then it will be.

I have been away on my own too, and had massages as well!

He sounds lovely. If it doesn't work out between you, send him my way

We're going to a cosy Italian. Haven't been there before but know the one and always thought it looked v nice - candles, pink tablecloths etc.

Don't want to be underdressed or overdressed

wannabe: that's what he says - if he'd waited for someone to go to the Galapagos islands with him, he'd never have gone at all.

He's quite a bit younger than me (31 to 38) and this worries me a bit too. If he doesn't like kids around then obviously this isn't going to go anywhere. If he does though might he not think I'm a bit old for him? He knows I'm older than him but not by how much.

On a deeply sad note, I went out and bought his favourite book this morning, and am now reading it.

Hehehe - you have got it bad, haven't you? It's a nice feeling though...

What book is it?

The Magus.