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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Falling really badly for gorgeous total stranger??? *long, sorry *

372 replies

Portmeirion · 13/10/2008 16:35

Namechanger

So the title says it all.

A few weeks ago I was in the park with DS, and there was this chap sitting on the grass with a model plane. DS watches him flying it completely fascinated, and the bloke saw this and then looked up and smiled at me, then he said to DS, Here, do you want a go? And he let DS fly this plane and fetch it back a few times.

After a bit he said he had to go, and stood up, and DS wanted to carry on playing with the plane, and he smiled at me again and said Sorry, is he going to hassle you to buy him one now? Then went off.

Pushed DS on the swings a bit, and then went for a coffee. It was busy and I'm looking around for somewhere to sit, and who do I see...yes, Model Plane Boy there already. DS saw him too and ran over, so I went over to get him back and MPB said we should sit there because he was going and we could have his table and sofa. He looked very pointedly at both my hands, checking for rings, then he asked if he could buy my coffee!!

Did I mention I really fancied him? He isn't my usual type at all, I like beefy rugby player types and he's thin and quite geeky looking but very good looking. Blond with big grey eyes but he has this lovely manner about him - stands up when I come in, listens without interrupting, and never takes his eyes off me. His name is Joel. I even like his name.

I had to get DS to nursery (he does afternoons) so had to go. J is out of work at the moment - he had meningitis and then got something else in hospital, so he lost a lot of weight and then while he was off work they laid him off. He doesn't care because he claimed on his insurance and had a lump sum, but he still gets tired easily. He sort of flops gratefully into chairs and then hardly moves, just lounges around looking chilled.

Anyway I couldn't see him because of work and stuff and also I don't want to see him with DS tagging along, getting attached to someone who might not be sticking around (anyone basically). But last week he rang me and we spent 3 HOURS on the phone! He has an older half-brother - his dad married his mum when she had a boy from a previous relationship so I guess he's not fazed by DS.

We got together yesterday (DS had a party) and had a lovely couple of hours - tea and chat outside on a sunny autumn day. He made a paper aeroplane for me to take home for DS which I thought was sweet. He says the most charming things in a very innocent way. He asked me if the coat I had on was expensive and when I said no he said Well you make it look expensive. He said he let DS play with the plane because then I'd have to talk to him...

He wants to take me out for dinner this Friday but I can't get a babysitter - I don't know many people round here except other mums from nursery who'd be in the same boat. Also I am thinking Wait a minute, he doesn't have a job, I don't know him, I don't know anyone who knows him and although I've got his phone number I don't even know where he lives. Why hasn't he got a GF? He says he broke up with someone last year. All I know is what he's told me.

Basically he is an almost total stranger but I can't stop thinking about him, I feel like we really connected on the phone and I really, really want to sleep with him (haven't had sex for ~2 years and I even told him that...)...I've been having very detailed dirty thoughts about him . But I don't know what to say about Friday, if I say no because of the babysitter, will he not bother again?

So am I being really rash? At times I think maybe that's what he does? Maybe he's a paedo who picks up single mums in parks? Or am I being paranoid?

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 13/10/2008 17:15

My fella turns 31 this week and plays with his petrol toy motor car now and again on the field across from his house....

CoteDAzur · 13/10/2008 17:17

Pass me that coffee - obviously not paying attention.

GrabShellDude · 13/10/2008 17:17

WannaBe talks sense. If his hobby is model aeroplanes then taking it to the park to fly it is probably what they do. (Have absolutely no idea about model plane flyers).

I would certainly go out for dinner with him given how much you like him already.

MorrisZapp · 13/10/2008 17:19

Loads of guys are into model planes etc.

And even if he was maybe thinking 'ooh, it would be nice to meet a nice woman in the park' then good luck to him.

I've been single too and it's hard to try to think of how the heck to meet somebody.

We don't think badly of single women who try to seek out men so why assume that men who do this are losers? Maybe it demonstrates that unlike many of his peers, he actually wants to have a relationship.

I think that he may well be just a perfectly normal, nice guy. I've spent years of my life being walked home by guys who I have interviewed for suitability between drunken snogs having met them two hours earlier.

We're all strangers until we meet and get to know each other aren't we.

MuthaHubbard · 13/10/2008 17:20

going out for dinner is the perfect way to get to know more about him.

am sure you'll be telling someone where you are meeting him so all should be okay?

couples meet in the most weird and wonderful places and circumstances. even if nothing comes of it, you will have made a friend

Portmeirion · 13/10/2008 17:23

J is Joel.

I know a lot about him, but only from him, that's the thing. He's 31, economics graduate, hates football, reads the Telegraph, speaks three languages, worked for a big industrial outfit. He has been to some amazing places because he's a travel nut.

He felt fluey one day, rang his GP, GP told him to go to A&E and it was meningitis. He's allergic to a lot of antibiotics too and then while he was in hospital with that he got something else. Not MRSA, he told me what it was, but I'd never heard of it. It counted as a critical illness so his insurance paid out. He's been off work for about six months.

His brother bought him the plane to build because he was bored being sick. He used to build them when he was a kid. He could only concentrate for about 15 mins at a time at first. He says his real nerdy hobby is scuba diving, he looks at sunken ships (or he used to).

I think he really has been quite ill.

Yesterday he said could he call me later and I said yes, and then he didn't. I got a text about 10 o'clock last night saying sorry for not ringing but he'd fallen asleep after being out all afternoon. Must have exhausted him...haven't replied yet and wondering how to. Also I can only do so many coffees - I work part time and at weekends I'd have to "park" DS somewhere which is hard for me unless there's a party happening. I'm not going to get my mum or brother down just so I can go on a date.

I've Googled him and he shows up as someone who has spoken at conferences and things, so that part is checkable and true.

I have fallen hard for blokes before, and I've had holiday flings knowing a lot less about the bloke, but obv I have DS to think about here now, it's not just about me. I don't want to just back away for want of knowing anything about him, if I went for internet dating or whatever I wouldn't know any more and at least I've met him.

He only has my mobile number and doesn't know where we live. Well, he knows roughly obviously - we both live near the same park.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 13/10/2008 17:29

it sounds that given his illness he's lost a lot of his confidence and that getting out with a model plane has been a way to get that back.

He's had a decent career, has clearly been a respected person in his field if he's been doing public speaking etc, and suddenly that's all been taken away from him through illness.

And now people are considering he could be a paedophile because he takes a model aeroplane, aquired to help him out during his recovery from a life-threatening illness, to a park where there are children.

No doubt the reason he is still single is because he hasn't been in a position to go out picking up women since he's been seriously ill.

Cartoose · 13/10/2008 17:35

He sounds nice I think. I'd take it sloowly though and meet a few of his his friends etc. This can actually tell you a lot.

MuthaHubbard · 13/10/2008 17:35

I had a friend who couldn't work for approx 4 years having suffered from meningitis and then a form of M.E. She would be knackered after strolling round Tesco for an hour.

You know more about him than most couples who meet on a night out and go back for a drunken tumble.

MuthaHubbard · 13/10/2008 17:37

that should be 'not even half an hour', I would be knackered after walking round Tesco for that long!

Kally · 13/10/2008 18:04

He sounds nice and I think you should make every effort to see him. But then that is me, (I found my guy after internet dating and you can't get more scary than that).

People have become such scardy cats of meeting people under normal circumstances. This is perfectly normal. Yet, go out and get plastered in some pub with a bunch of drunken fall abouts and it's ok... This is normal.

Don't be so paranoic. I know you are thinking about 'getting laid' but don't go at it like a bull at a gate, give it time and let the friendship thing develope a bit. Find out whether he is a genuinely nice caring guy. He may well be, but don't just let loose because you have all these hot thoughts about him. Try to control that bit of it as I did same a while back and altho I have no regrets, the bloke wasn't interested in a relationship, just FWB thing and it was a rude awakening. I wanted more. I didn't give it time to find out what the aim of the relationship was. (But it was a good fling). I wouldn't let anyone know when I did or didn't last have sex... how come you told him that????? (Having said that ... I did say to that particular bloke I hadn't had sex for a while and I think he pounced on that, made it a mission so to speak)

No, no, try to avoid saying those personal things to strangers.

Portmeirion · 13/10/2008 18:17

Can't spend long on here at the mo as DS is having his tea, then bath, bed etc.

Kally, I don't remember exactly how I came to admit that We were talking about relationship histories and I said I hadn't been in one for years unless you count being used for sex as being in relationship...he just said as long as everyone's clear upfront that that's how it is then it's OK, then he changed the subject.

I think I will text him back and say dinner is hard. I'd like to call him and hear his voice but he texted me so I guess I should reply the same way . Maybe he'll call me back...

OP posts:
TwoFoggyToSee · 13/10/2008 18:43

I think he has loads of potential and the fact you need to go slowly because of childcare etc will probably suit him as he is still recovering. Almost like fate, but I'm an old romantic at heart

anyfucker · 13/10/2008 18:45

aww, please let us know how it turns out

macdoodle · 13/10/2008 18:59

Well I think it is a lovely story and I am a big old cynic.....and I hope it has a wonderful fairy story outcome - I would do my best to go on the date - no local teens/brownie leaders etc you could pay for a few hours then you would have an excuse to leave early - little steps and the very best of luck

warthog · 13/10/2008 19:02

sounds lovely

solidgoldskullonastick · 13/10/2008 19:06

Just enjoy him. Shag him if you want to. Everyone you know was a stranger to you once and as long as you don't lend him your life savings for his new business venture on the first date or allow him to tie you up and pop you in the boot of his car for alleged extra sexual thrills on the second date, you will undoubtedly be fine.
I appreciate that you want to take it slowly WRT him becoming involved in DS life in case it doesn't work out, but otherwise don't let the whining bucketheads who think every stranger is an enemy make you too paranoid.

Surfermum · 13/10/2008 19:17

I'd ring him. I think he only sent a text as it was 10pm at night and he didn't know if you'd be awake.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 13/10/2008 19:19

He sounds lovely. Get to know him, enjoy it. Who knows whether it will lead to anything, but it sounds as if you have the chance of a decent friend anyway.

He sounds as if he's been really ill. I think that can be quite life changing. It may take him a long time to fully recover.

Mumi · 13/10/2008 19:30

You don't seem to think you should get your mum/brother down to babysit "just" for a date, but you sound like you think it would be worth it so...

Don't chase him too hard though. It's not as if it's news you have a DS so, if you can't do Friday but make it clear you'd still like to, if he's keen enough, he'll wait.

Good luck - he sounds lovely!

ActingNormal · 13/10/2008 20:01

I used to think if you felt like sleeping with someone immediately then you should but changed my mind recently. If you would like to have a longer term relationship with him I think it is better to put off having sex and spend more time getting to know each other. I think you will feel really good about yourself if you take it slowly and then feel that he is with you because he values who you are, not just for sex.

DforDiva · 13/10/2008 20:21

how strange ppl attitude about man with model airplane. dh loves model airplane we have dedicated room full of airplanes and helicopters.
he sounds charming guy, obviously shy and pleased to meet you gorgeous single mother. he seems well educated well mannered, probably illness broguht him down and lone.
just be careful givin, try to take it easy. may be you found the right guy after all.
btw, guys into models stay home and do their models in the evening instead of going to pub and leave you and kids alone. dh also hates football, do not understans whole chasing abll around thing.
we often go park, and fly models and kids play, have picnic you know.
all you said about him sounds similar to my dh

Portmeirion · 13/10/2008 23:45

OK, so in the end I texted him this evening to see if he was awake and he rang back...so that solved that.

Explained the issue with a babysitter I can trust and he said...how about if he comes over to mine after DS is asleep and brings dinner?

Wasn't expecting that so I hummed and ha'ed and said can we park that until I check out the babysitter situation. What do I say??? Is he pushing me to sleep with him? I haven't even kissed him. I haven't even held his hand.

Also, boo hoo, he is going away next week! For 10 days! To Oman to hang out in a posh spa hotel on his own.

Do blokes do this? Does anyone?

He says his mates never have both the ££ and inclination to go where he wants to. As a result he has been to interesting places like the Galapagos, the Comores and the Andamans (sp?) on his own, and they've all been to Ibiza in a crowd and can't remember anything about it. He hates clubs and drugs. This is good. He has been to the Galapagos too, he sent me a picture of him with a giant tortoise.

Now I've got a picture of him

He just takes a huge pile of books and his iPod and doesn't speak to anyone. Oman is going to be massages and stuff and in the evenings there are movies at the shopping mall. He booked it ages ago.

He's not going to meet someone in Oman is he? Is he? Could he have a woman there already?

OP posts:
Mumi · 14/10/2008 00:46

Not necessarily pushing you to sleep with him, probably just trying to be flexible. Wouldn't blame you for wanting first proper date in public though, just to be sure.

I'd love to go to Oman to hang out in a posh spa hotel on my own with my huge pile of books and iPod (ha, chance would be a fine thing). I'd be even more inclined to do so if I'd had an illness which made me look again at life and what I wanted it to be and with who.

So no, I don't think it's so out of the ordinary for someone to be as you've described, apart from if they're a man, in which case you snap them up quick

LaDiDaDi · 14/10/2008 00:58

I would want to meet him again in a public place rather than in my own home.