Dh said if I don't give him sex more often he will leave

[lotuseener]

and go look for it somewhere else. He also said that he didn't get married to become celibate, and he didn't cut his balls off when he put a ring on my finger.

I know our sex life wasn't great, but I didn't know it was that bad. We work opposite shifts and have very long days, a toddler, he's a post-grad student, etc. No family/close friends around to babysit so we have never gone out alone since ds was born.We still have sex every couple of weeks. I just lost my sex drive after I had ds, and it has never come back. Ds is 20 months old now. I never think about sex and I never fantasize about it either, it just never enters my mind.

I'm very hurt and very angry, because I believe he is being serious. I just don't really want to have sex with him. Dh is very, very lazy around the house and does absolutely nothing. He is great with ds, but gets out of bed when he feels like it, goes into the lab at Uni, comes home eats his dinner in front of the tv and melts into a blob on the couch. He watches tv until 11 or 12(when he's not busy looking at porn on the laptop) and gets up and does the same thing the next day.

I am so filled with resentment towards for not being reliable and sharing responsibilty in our home that I don't want him to touch me.If I need something done, like stuff put away in the loft, I have to ask him every day for about 2 weeks on average before he will do it. I pay the bills, do the shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, look after ds and work about 25 hours a week plus 1-2 overnights a week at work as well. Seeing him on the couch day after day makes me want to spit on him, not jump on him.

We have the same conversation over and over again. I am so tired of nagging him and getting angry that he is so lazy. I wish I could just accept that he will never change and get on with my day. I enjoy looking after our home and doing the cooking, but I am so tired of him being totally worthless and lazy and couch bound. He doesn't think that my feelings about him not giving me help around the house should have any affect on my sex drive because my constant nagging doesn't have any affect on his sex drive.

I obviously don't want lack of sex to be his reason for divorce, but I don't know how to make myself desire him when I just see him as another responsibilty, not my man that I want to jump into bed with!

that's right expat re: US not recognizing dual nationals, however, the US recognizes that other countries recognize dual citizenship.

(was discussing this with a US diplomat...)

indeed, ilovemydog.

i worked last year with an American born man who had triple nationality from birth and is now finished the British nationality process, making him a quadruple national. i used to call him Jason Bourne .

many members of my family are dual nationals, especially as my two of my father's siblings - all themselves dual nationals - married people from other nations.

it does make things much easier if the OP does decide to leave her relationship and wishes to reside in the US with the child (the other parent can indeed agree to this) but needs to travel back and forth to the UK for purposes of escorting the child for visitations or the like.

Ah, but you missed the citizenship test! Apparently it's very hard and you have to decide what to do if you go into a pub, and accidently spill beer on someone....

Think the answer is to say, 'sorry mate, can I buy you another?'

And put in date order the saints: St Andrew, St Patrick, St David and St George....

Just another thing, after coming back to the UK (having been 30 years away) as a single parent... I had to start all over again - it do'able. You make new friends, my family are dispersed and parent no longer alive, but the UK, (depsite all the complainers) is a good country and doesn't let you fall on your rump. You will be surprised of the help that is available. I am sure that if you do some searching and looking you'll see that you could survive here on your own steam. Especially if you are working a bit. Do you have friends here?
Men like this need a shock. I bet he feels he has you by the short and curlies. Well prove to him that it's not so. Maybe then he will get off his high horse and deflate a bit with his pH fecking D.
One of the things I love about being on my own with my LO (she's 10) is my total independance. I choose how my life goes and I don't have to open the door to anyone I don't want around. No one nags me, no one judges my abilities. I am not tiptoeing around moods. Life is normal again. It is possible. You don't have to stay unhappy.

Lovemydog, As of this month I am eligble to apply for citizenship, I just don't have the £750 to do it. Also since I have permanent residency, I still can reside here even if we get divorced. For now, I have all the same rights as a British citizen except I can't vote.

Kally, we are both 31. We were only married 6 months before I got pregnant. Although we had been together when he was in the US we never lived together.We got married abroad after a long distance relationship and I moved over here. Our early months together were very hard because he was starting his PhD and I had great difficulty at first settling in the UK. Our first year of mariage we lived in a 1 room flat on the 13th floor of student accomodation. It was very, very difficult. Ds was a huge surprise, so we just got on with things. Before ds came along we were still getting to know each other and get used to married life. We used to have a good time together before ds was born, but it was still very difficult at times. We used to go out together a lot, cinema,lots of sex, restaurants and weekend trips to Amsterdam. I admit I now put all my effort into being a mother, not a wife. But in my defence, my husband doesn't make me want to tend to his emotional and physical needs. He hasn't always been this lazy and bullying. He has always been lazy in the home, but never this bad and he has never threatened me over sex.

I don't have stable family I could return to in the US. My father hasn't been around since I was a child and my mother is a born again religious nutjob who has severed all ties with non-believers, including her children and parents. My sister is not in a situation where I could stay with her.

I suppose I do have the option of going to stay with mil for a bit, but that sounds like torture.

H is getting mil from the airport right now, they'll be home around 1. I have not had a proper conversation with him since all this happened. I want to physically attack him, I am so angry. Hopefully, she'll stay with ds one evening and h and I can go out to dinner and talk alone.
I am insisting on counseling, though. I will be adamant about it.If he refuses counseling, then I will know that this marriage means nothing to him and that it isn't worth me fighting for. I have Relates number in my phone and I am calling them today. I am also going to ring CAB and make an appointment to talk to them about all of my options should I decide to stay in the UK on my own with ds.

I do know that I can make it on my own, but I would prefer to make it as a family. I won't scarifice myself just so I can stay married. I just want to know we did everything to make it work, mostly for the sake of my son.

Well, hang in there, go for that night out with him and move all the clouds for a while and have the heart to heart.

I hope it works out for you, the way you want it.

Realtionships do go a bit haywire when you suddenly are faced with the duties of parenthood. Attentions divide and focus moves. With an immature man around this is harder. Especialy if he was the center of your universe. Immature men have a problem with this new phase, but no doubt it can be sorted with willingness on both sides. That is what you have to emphasise, he may need clarity to bring him back down to earth.

Don't stay with MIL (delete that option)... ooo I couldn't think of anything worse.

Lotus, if you have Indefite Leave to Remain you can stay forever more in the UK. You are absolutely right, the only difference is you can't vote. But if you leave the UK for more than two years the ILR can be revoked. But then if you leave for another life elsewhere you probably won't be coming back here anyway. Your son will be a British National if her was born here and also his father being British. If you had the extra money then go ahead and apply for nationality but if you don't it doesn't really matter for your situation.

Sorry you are in this with no family support, that is awful for you ((((hugs))))

Not quite true re: same rights as a British citizen. Depends though. Some with leave to remain cannot get benefits which may not be an issue at the moment, but may be later on.

I don't have further leave to remain(which you aren't entitled to benefits on), I have indefinite leave to remain which is permanent residency. I am very knowledgable with what my permanent residency means and I know I have have every right a citizen has except the right to vote.

When I got indefinite leave to remain, I had to sign something saying that I would not resort to public funds such as unemployment benefit, but was entitled to NHS treatment. Also had to show that I had employment.

The restrictions would be in the letter you got at the same time as your indefinite leave to remain (stamp in passport)

Hope things are going OK or as well as could be expected with MIL in the house. I too am dreading the arrival of my in-laws tomorrow from Australia...but that's a whole other thread!

Hope he will 'see the light' and agree to come to counselling with you in the hope to resolve some of the areas of conflict between you.

Sorry you are going through this and I completely get where you are coming from. Some of yuur situation rings bells with me. The resentment. The lack of being physically attracted because of the resentment, tiredness, unfair expectations. The sense of having another dependant rather than a proper partner. In the end the final realisation that he would/could not change and that I could not carry on like that signed the death knell for me (took a while to get to that stage though).
So ((((hugs)))) from me and hope whatever you decide works for you.

You poor thing! I feel so bad for you and am sending you hug, for what it's worth! Has he tried to make you feel desired and sexy rather than making you feel guilty about not having sex with him?!
It sounds to me as though he is actually feeling a bit low and rejected and rather than (god forbid!) telling you that and allowing you to see him vulnerable he's being agressive and unpleasant about the whole thing. You deserve to have good sex when you want it, on your terms rather than submitting to your husband to shut him up.

That's not an easy start you describe there Lotuseener. You two don't seem to have had the luxury of really getting to know each other before you both had to face parenthood together. Your role as a couple has become lost under your role as parents. Perhaps through counselling you can rediscover and rebuild a loving relationship.

Is there any possibility that you could get a job, even part-time? I think you might find that would change the balance of power in your relationship, not so much over money, but because you would have your own base here and make your own friends.

Acinonyx, I am the one who supports my family, I don't know where you got the idea that I don't work. I've had a job since 4 weeks after I moved here and only stopped working for maternity leave.

How are things going with the MIL here lotuseener?

I got the impression from your posts that you are very isolated and would be completely alone if you left your dh. That's why I thought you didn't work.

Hi Lotuseener,

Sorry to hear of your woes with your DH. Sounds like you really have the heart to keep your marriage working.

Have you heard of Gary Chapman or his book, "the five love languages''? This is a highly recommended book by marriage counsellors. There's a quiz at the end of the book that you both may find it interesting & fun to do!

www.amazon.co.uk/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commitment/dp/1881273105/ref=sr_1_4?ie= UTF8&s=books&qid=1224066912&sr=8-4

www.garychapman.org/

Please keep us posted.

Well, so far so good with mil. It's actually been nice to have her here, she is giving so much attention ds. H and I have barely spoken to each other, I can barely acknowledge his presence without wanting to punch him in the face. We are being cordial to each other in front of mil and ds, but we don't speak to each other when they're not in the room. Just the thought of him makes my skin crawl. I'm sure mil has noticed the tension between me and h, how could she not? Part of me wants to talk to her about it, as she is being really lovely to me, but it is such a personal issue with h that I think it may be too personal of a discussion to have with her.

Hi Lotuseener,

Glad to hear that things are running smoothly with your MIL. From your other posts it would appear that your DH is hurting too.

Have you come across the following posting:

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[By ManLikeFire on Tue 14-Oct-08 12:30:37]

Reading through these discussion pages is a rather saddening experience. Page after page of whines, complaints and gripes, all from women attributing their current non-problems to the characteristics or habits of their other half, without a great deal of self-reflection as to why their particular Oprah-esque drama might actually be a consequence of their own choices.

If your other half is lazy, surely you knew that when you picked him? Back in the jurassic era before you produced your offspring, his laidback attitude was probably something that attracted you too him.

If he is terrible with money, it doesn't take a forensic accountant to work that out after a few dates does it? Did you pick him for his miserly tendencies or because he was fun and didn't care too much about material things?

If he has an eye for other women, you can't help but have noticed that early on. It was probably something you liked then, feeling that you'd beat the competition.

You can not have your cake and eat it (although I suspect a number of you do!): you must accept responsibility for the decisions made a long time ago. Of course, if he turns out to be gay, or becomes immensely fat, then I think you have a legitimate complaint, as that was not what it said on the tin when you took your pick.

The bottom line is that when you whinge about him now, you are really criticising yourself for making that choice long ago on the basis of wishful thinking, that you'd change him or that he change when life moved on: "Oh, I'm sure he'll change when we're together or when we have kids." Men do not bank on change - they get together with a woman because they like them at the time (or they can't do any better). They don't then spend a lifetime trying to change them (unless they let themselves go).

Perhaps women should try the same.

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Do you think the aforementioned posting was by your DH?

A good indication that he is willing to talk about his feelings which is a very good start, if it is.

Please do check out the book by Gary Chapman as you may find it helpful. It's available in audio CD as well.

Please keep us posted.

No no no! do not fall into the trap of confiding in mil! She is not your friend!

Seriously, it sounds to me as if you could do with a bit of support. Where are you based? Do you have rl friends?

Yeah, you are probably right about confiding in mil! However h's father is an awful piece of work, so she would understand.

I don't have many rl friends, not that I'm a horrible person to be around,(i'm quite funny!) it's just that I've never made close friends here.

I am in the East Anglia region.

Well, my mil was the same. Had a difficult DH and tried to get me to confide in her on the basis that my family are in the US. But I'm actually quite a private person.

I have a son and fast forward 20 years - would I want to hear him being criticized? I would not. So, be cordial, polite, but please don't think that she is your friend.

Shame you live in east Anglia... Am in Bristol, although schlep to London a lot....