Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh said if I don't give him sex more often he will leave

177 replies

lotuseener · 13/10/2008 08:20

and go look for it somewhere else. He also said that he didn't get married to become celibate, and he didn't cut his balls off when he put a ring on my finger.

I know our sex life wasn't great, but I didn't know it was that bad. We work opposite shifts and have very long days, a toddler, he's a post-grad student, etc. No family/close friends around to babysit so we have never gone out alone since ds was born.We still have sex every couple of weeks. I just lost my sex drive after I had ds, and it has never come back. Ds is 20 months old now. I never think about sex and I never fantasize about it either, it just never enters my mind.

I'm very hurt and very angry, because I believe he is being serious. I just don't really want to have sex with him. Dh is very, very lazy around the house and does absolutely nothing. He is great with ds, but gets out of bed when he feels like it, goes into the lab at Uni, comes home eats his dinner in front of the tv and melts into a blob on the couch. He watches tv until 11 or 12(when he's not busy looking at porn on the laptop) and gets up and does the same thing the next day.

I am so filled with resentment towards for not being reliable and sharing responsibilty in our home that I don't want him to touch me.If I need something done, like stuff put away in the loft, I have to ask him every day for about 2 weeks on average before he will do it. I pay the bills, do the shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, look after ds and work about 25 hours a week plus 1-2 overnights a week at work as well. Seeing him on the couch day after day makes me want to spit on him, not jump on him.

We have the same conversation over and over again. I am so tired of nagging him and getting angry that he is so lazy. I wish I could just accept that he will never change and get on with my day. I enjoy looking after our home and doing the cooking, but I am so tired of him being totally worthless and lazy and couch bound. He doesn't think that my feelings about him not giving me help around the house should have any affect on my sex drive because my constant nagging doesn't have any affect on his sex drive.

I obviously don't want lack of sex to be his reason for divorce, but I don't know how to make myself desire him when I just see him as another responsibilty, not my man that I want to jump into bed with!

OP posts:
LazyLinePainterJane · 13/10/2008 09:35

And I cannot believe (considering that he does not work nights) that at 9.35 on a monday morning, you are waiting for him to get out of bed! What a toad!

I would be showing him this thread. Maybe he will wake up when he sees how many women think they would rather shag Peter Mandelson with scabies than your DH.

Original poster
lotuseener · 13/10/2008 09:35

Lazyline, you are so spot on! Have you been looking through my front window?

OP posts:
NorkyButNice · 13/10/2008 09:38

DH and I have similarly different sex drives. It does cause some friction as I know he'd love to be intimate much more regularly, but there's no way he'd threaten to leave because of it. Your husband needs a good kick up the arse.

LazyLinePainterJane · 13/10/2008 09:41

LOL lotus! Has he ever been helpful with the work around the house?

MrsMattie · 13/10/2008 09:43

What excuse is there not to be up by 9.30 on a Monday morning when you have kids? Why isn't he using this time to do something useful around the house or take your baby for a walk or something? He is a grown man - a father - doing a Masters, NOT a teenage undergraduate student living with his mum.

Kally · 13/10/2008 09:46

I'd sit there minging in an sloppy old pair jamas, fag hanging out my mouth, hair all scraggy and tell him to get down on his knees and DO ME. Sorry, I couldn't help it... not constructive advise...

seriously though...

You can't ever keep a man on good sex. Sex is important, but after the lust getting to know each other phase... sex is an emotional thing. I don't blame you for wanting to spit on him... have you tried this? without the actual spit coming out?

Sorry I don't know this man and he annoys me.

honestfriend · 13/10/2008 09:47

He sounds awful- BUT you are letting him off the hook all the time.
If his mum is coming to stay, tell him you are too busy to sort out her room and HE has to do it.
Start meaning what you say. And change how you behave- words alone are not enough.

MrsMattie · 13/10/2008 09:48

He is annoying me, too, and I don't even know him

armarda · 13/10/2008 09:50

I would second not doing everything for his mum. By all means get her clean bed linen but if she arrives and it is not pefect then explain to her everything you are doing and how he won't help. Maybe she can make him see he has to do more?

VinegARGHHHTits · 13/10/2008 09:53

Yeah threatening to leave you is really gonna make you want to jump his bones more often obviously he thought that one through like a teenager with a hard on

Dropdeadfred · 13/10/2008 09:55

he sounds awful and yet again this is a case where the OP states that he is a great dad...but this dad disrespects his childs' mother, doesn't do any physical caring about him such as getting up in the morning, cleaning the kitchen, cooking for him, emptying the bin that has his stinky nappies in etc

So in other words he is not a father just merely somoene who doesn't mind playing with a cute toddler now and then as long as it involves no work whatsoever

If he ad given me that ultimatum I would have said 'thank God - when are you leaving?'

Original poster
lotuseener · 13/10/2008 09:55

His excuse is he is not a morning person, he says he just physically can't get out of bed early.
I wasn't a morning person until I had ds, I think having children forces you to become a morning person.

He's been up for 20 minutes now. I brought up going to Relate and he said he'd consider it in 1 year when he is finished with his PhD.
I told him we have the time to go to an early morning (9am) appointment and he said we couldn't afford it. I said I think we can find someone who takes sliding scale payments and he said nothing.

I am going to try talking to him about it later.

And no, he has never pulled his weight around the house. He feels as if he can't do anything besides his PhD and that he shouldn't be expected to. He also feels that getting married and having ds while he was a PhD student was a huge mistake and he has said that many, many times.

I am not from the UK and have no family here or close friends to talk to, so it really is just me, him and ds.

I've never done a PhD, so I don't know what it's like but certainly there are loads of people who can pull it off while having a family. He doesn't have to work outside of his PhD, other than some demonstrating for undergraduate practicals during term time. I am the one who supports us.

And I do nag. All the time. I hate it, but I do it. I hear my mother's voice everytime I open my mouth. I don't want to be this way. I want to be the confident, compassionate, loving woman that I once was.

OP posts:
Kally · 13/10/2008 09:55

What is his Mum like?

Bucharest · 13/10/2008 09:55

Seconding what others say- even if you do suddenly appear all perfumed and gorgeous (FFS) he'll just find something else to moan about. What a fuckwit.

MrsMattie · 13/10/2008 09:56

'Not a morning person'

GET RID. He is an arsehole.

pushchair · 13/10/2008 09:57

Feeling for you, he sounds awful. Would be tempted to bathe,dress up,look fabulous and then deny him his sex until he shapes up. Say I am making the effort now you have to. Not very mature advice sorry. Have read some advice to the effect that you could leave all those things you do, the cleaning,tidying,organising- leave it all in a great horrible mess and then point out to him the results of that kind of behaviour- his kind of behaviour. Would take a will of iron though.

Anna8888 · 13/10/2008 09:57

I would wait until his mother has been to visit and use the opportunity to get to know her better. Keep the house to your own standards for her (you will lose even more self-esteem if you don't) and try to guage how she thinks her son should be behaving in his marriage and whether she thinks he is contributing a fair share to the working of the household.

Once you have worked that out, you will know whether you can get his mother on board on your side or not.

If she is colluding with him you will have a seriously uphill struggle.

Dropdeadfred · 13/10/2008 09:58

Whjat a wanker to say that getting married was a mistake - t probably was FOR YOU it was a fucking godsend for him wasn't it?
someone to financially support him, clean fr him, cook for him and look after his 'mistake' of a son for him..

Seriously - why do you want him?

SammyK · 13/10/2008 09:59

Oh my god I can't believe how selfish he sounds!!

He is treating you like his mother/landlady/skivvy - yet wanting you to be filled with rampant desire for him!!

I think you should give him an ultimatum - Relate or he leaves. He has it very sweet at the moment, and maybe he needs a shock to see how much you do.

I have to say though - attitudes like this are very ingrained, and it seems you both want soething a great deal different from what you have.

Tortington · 13/10/2008 09:59

if you want to live your life being a hassled martyre go for it.

i just dont understand why women put up with this shit - and believe me i have put up with some shit - diferent shit - but shit non the less.

if you dont have more sex i'll leave

ok then bye....cya.......sianara. aufweidersehn, aurevoir.

Kally · 13/10/2008 10:00

Sorry but I would nag too... Especially since his P H fecking D seems all that he is concerned with...
Why are you being so submissive and even dissing yourself about the way you nag...?

Is he a spoilt brat?

Try and tell us some good things about him, (everybody has some good qualities), what are his? Maybe detoxing the anger at him here will help give a better picture for some constructive advise...

symptomchecker · 13/10/2008 10:01

I hate to say this,but is he using you until he finishes his PHD...sorry,hope that isn't too upsetting for you.

MurderousMarla · 13/10/2008 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMattie · 13/10/2008 10:04

I keep thinking about my friends, who have 3 kids under 5 yrs old. He works two jobs. She works full time at a fairly senior, responsible level and studies part time for a Masters.

'Not a morning person'. LMAO

No wonder you 'nag'.

eeewahwoowah · 13/10/2008 10:04

lotuseener - i just wanted to say good on you for wanting to persevere with this relationship. He is very lucky to have you and quite frankly you have more right to be issuing the 'change or leave' ultimatums, not him the lazy twunt.

Next time he threatens to walk out tell him to fuck off then and be quick about it so that you can find a man to have a relationship with instead of an over-grown teenager.

Sorry that's not terribly constructive is it and it would probably cause a row but boy he needs telling.