Dh said if I don't give him sex more often he will leave

[lotuseener]

and go look for it somewhere else. He also said that he didn't get married to become celibate, and he didn't cut his balls off when he put a ring on my finger.

I know our sex life wasn't great, but I didn't know it was that bad. We work opposite shifts and have very long days, a toddler, he's a post-grad student, etc. No family/close friends around to babysit so we have never gone out alone since ds was born.We still have sex every couple of weeks. I just lost my sex drive after I had ds, and it has never come back. Ds is 20 months old now. I never think about sex and I never fantasize about it either, it just never enters my mind.

I'm very hurt and very angry, because I believe he is being serious. I just don't really want to have sex with him. Dh is very, very lazy around the house and does absolutely nothing. He is great with ds, but gets out of bed when he feels like it, goes into the lab at Uni, comes home eats his dinner in front of the tv and melts into a blob on the couch. He watches tv until 11 or 12(when he's not busy looking at porn on the laptop) and gets up and does the same thing the next day.

I am so filled with resentment towards for not being reliable and sharing responsibilty in our home that I don't want him to touch me.If I need something done, like stuff put away in the loft, I have to ask him every day for about 2 weeks on average before he will do it. I pay the bills, do the shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, look after ds and work about 25 hours a week plus 1-2 overnights a week at work as well. Seeing him on the couch day after day makes me want to spit on him, not jump on him.

We have the same conversation over and over again. I am so tired of nagging him and getting angry that he is so lazy. I wish I could just accept that he will never change and get on with my day. I enjoy looking after our home and doing the cooking, but I am so tired of him being totally worthless and lazy and couch bound. He doesn't think that my feelings about him not giving me help around the house should have any affect on my sex drive because my constant nagging doesn't have any affect on his sex drive.

I obviously don't want lack of sex to be his reason for divorce, but I don't know how to make myself desire him when I just see him as another responsibilty, not my man that I want to jump into bed with!

quote from a recent thread

By LittleBella on Fri 26-Sep-08 14:46:53
"No, women shouldn't have to make the effort to have sex regularly.

Men should ask themselves why a woman doesn't want to. It's usually something to do with the de-eroticising process of picking up his effing socks and not having an orgasm when she does "make the effort".

Pick up your socks, do your own ironing, load the dishwasher without expecting a fecking sticker for it, and make sure your DP has an orgasm every time she shags (just like you do), and you'll soon find you have sex just as often as you want, OP. "

I'm doing a PhD because it is easier (by a long distance) to fit around a family than 'real' full time work but it brings in some money.

He will get worse when he works.

And if he thinks he's going to be suddenly loaded post PhD he really is living in cloud cuckoo land.

Hi, I just wanted to add that I am a phd student and my dh works full-time and I somehow manage to work on my PhD, look after my ds, look after the house, do all the cooking, oh yes and I'm 6 months pregnant.

I'm not some miracle person - I'm a normal person who has made decisions in life and bloody well gets on with it!!

Frankly I'm incensed for your sake that he's using his PhD as an excuse for being a lazy and totally self-centred child.

Imo counselling is absolutely essential for you as I can't see how you two can move forward unless he changes his attitude.

Good luck

wow
only read the op
but my first thought is chuck him out

but do you want him to stay for your daughter I assume?
if so I recommend an experiment
rampant sex for three weeks.. does anything change?

if not, let him go

what a selfish git, sorry i know you're married to him but what a dullard

You could always show his mother this thread

Apart from all the other good advice on here, I would have to laugh at his idea that with an attitude like this, he's going to be offered sex left right and centre if he leaves you! Erm, nope, he'll just be lazy, slobby and alone. Classic example of what too much porn can do to men - making them think that a normal, busy woman who doesn't want sex every day is somehow abnormal, and that there are 100s of panting, uncomplicatedly available women out there waiting for him. I'd be very tempted to let him make that mistake tbh. He'd probably come back with his tail between his legs.

I'd help him pack up his belongings in a spotted handkerchief, and encourage him on his way.

I don't respond well to threats and ultimatums.

Clearly there are issues in your relationship, and if he was behaving like an adult, I'm sure you'd be keen to try and resolve them.

As it is, he is being behaving like a spoilt child - so I'd call his bluff.

Tell him you'd be happy to discuss things once he has wised up to the fact that he needs to consider many other aspects of your relationship - not just sex.

if my husband said that I'd buy him an inflatable doll, pack his bags and sling him out! Probably not the most sensible advice but I'm shocked by him saying such a horrible thing. Was that designed to get you in the mood for sex? You really need to sit down and talk and hope you can talk some sense into him.

Why would the OP's MIL want to read it?

He sounds a bit of a twunt (not read all the thread) and I'd be inclined to open the door for him if he made demands like that - that is me though. Does he do anything to make you feel up for it or is a case of lie back and think of England/Scotland/Ireland/Wales/wherever?

"Yes, he honestly thinks that if I have sex whenever he wants it then our marriage will be perfect."

Well yes, it would be perfect from his point of view - he doesn't have to make any contribution to running the house or looking after his son or making you feel loved, and he gets constant sex, meals cooked for him and to sleep as much as he wants!

This man seriously needs to grow up. Does he have any male friends that you could chat to about this that might be able to have a quiet word? I've often found that sometimes blokes hearing something from another bloke means they sit up and take notice, because it sounds like he dismisses anything you say as 'nagging'.

But if a bloke friend says 'you know, I can't believe how badly you treat lotuseeener, if I was her I'd have kicked you out by now' might it have an effect?

(BTW - asking someone to do something essential in the house is not 'nagging' - if it's something that needs doing then it's just asking. If they need asking 256 times, that's THEIR FAULT FOR NOT DOING IT)

Good luck - there is no excuse for someone to behave like this in a marriage, and he does need to grow up and start pulling his weight.

Because if he doesnt listen to her, he may well listen to his mother.

I love "how many women think they would rather shag Peter Mandelson with scabies than your DH".

Act like a doormat and people walk on you.

Stop washing his clothes or cooking his meals - tell him you don't have time for that as you're getting his mother's room ready and doing too much means you have no energy left for sex. Tell him YOU would love to leave and have good sex with someone who values you.

You can accept him as a slob and a bully or risk him leaving you. You are worth more than this.

Does he seriously expect there to be a bevvy of busty, horny beauties gagging for him the moment he breaks free from his oh-so-repressive marriage?!

I'd probably give him the following ultimatum: either I'll do your share of the housework/childcare, or I'll do you. I'm not doing both, but it's up to you what you'd prefer to get. Or you can walk out and get neither.

He sounds exactly like my DP - slovenliness, threats, jam tomorrow.

I have now worked out how to deal with her on this stuff. Whenever she issues one of her periodic bullshit ultimatums I just call her on it. I usually say something like:-

"Right - you're not happy? Go. Go right now this very minute and you start getting used to being a single parent this instant. Get used to no cleaner. Get used to dinner not being cooked. Get used to having to go out and work. You don't get to go at your convenience, you go right now and don't try to come back because you will find the locks have been changed. Leave the car, it's not yours. Oh you're not going now? Well don't you dare threaten me again."

Sorry but threats of any kind have no place in a relationship worth having. When I was my 20s I went out with a very manipulative individual who would threaten me with suicide if I dumped her. Eventually, I just said fine, go ahead, you wouldn't treat someone you cared about like that, therefore I now believe that if I chuck you, nothing will happen. I was right and she's still single at 40+ having presumably learnt nothing.

mmm, you sound nice lh

Well, he read this thread and is livid with me. He says I'm making him look worse than he is and that I'm not telling you how annoying I am with my constant nagging. He says that I never shut up and that I always have something to bitch about and he's got a whole list of things that he wants to address with me but he isn't ready to talk about them yet because he is too fed up and angry at never getting sex.

Divorce isn't what I want yet. I know it's easy to tell me to leave him but I'm not ready to give up my marriage. I am not weak, submissive, codependent , please don't think that of me. I am an intelligent, strong woman in a marriage that needs a lot of work. I don't blame myself for these problems, I think the vast majority of our problems stems from his laziness and unwillingness to participate in doing anything constructive for our marraige.Eventually I will leave him if no changes have been made.

Right now I am in a situation that may or may not get better. Right now I want it to get better, with his help, and hard work. I will not be holding on to hope in 1,2 or 5 years time if things don't change. Yes, my son is a huge reason why I want this to work. His father and I are the other family he has. I have no contact with my family who live in the US and he only has his mother in the US who is a flaming nightmare at the best of times.
I've also realized that in all my posts on this thread I haven't once said that I am with him because I love him. Love hasn't even crossed my mind. I don't remember when I last felt an overwhelming surge of love towards him. That is very sad and worth examining closer.

I will attempt to go to Relate or something similar with him. If othing changes, then I will have a very tough desicion to make. I do want my husband and I to stay together and be a happy, healthy family. But i do not ever want to fear if I don't want to have sex then he will walk out the door.

could you not go to relate or similar on your own using your wages at first and he might come later?

I'd say if he leaves he's doing you a favour. What a selfish knob he sounds. Re read your post and ask yourself what you're getting from this relationship. Sounds like 'fuck all' is the answer.

Have only read your OP, will read thread now.

He read the thread and his respoinse is still 'but you never give me any sex !'

Oh, he's a child, really he is. And a really shit role model for your DS. You can tell him I said that!

well yeahbutnobutyeah...

op sounds distresed, thoughtful and insightful

lh sounded like a ranting bully.....