Dh said if I don't give him sex more often he will leave

[lotuseener]

and go look for it somewhere else. He also said that he didn't get married to become celibate, and he didn't cut his balls off when he put a ring on my finger.

I know our sex life wasn't great, but I didn't know it was that bad. We work opposite shifts and have very long days, a toddler, he's a post-grad student, etc. No family/close friends around to babysit so we have never gone out alone since ds was born.We still have sex every couple of weeks. I just lost my sex drive after I had ds, and it has never come back. Ds is 20 months old now. I never think about sex and I never fantasize about it either, it just never enters my mind.

I'm very hurt and very angry, because I believe he is being serious. I just don't really want to have sex with him. Dh is very, very lazy around the house and does absolutely nothing. He is great with ds, but gets out of bed when he feels like it, goes into the lab at Uni, comes home eats his dinner in front of the tv and melts into a blob on the couch. He watches tv until 11 or 12(when he's not busy looking at porn on the laptop) and gets up and does the same thing the next day.

I am so filled with resentment towards for not being reliable and sharing responsibilty in our home that I don't want him to touch me.If I need something done, like stuff put away in the loft, I have to ask him every day for about 2 weeks on average before he will do it. I pay the bills, do the shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, look after ds and work about 25 hours a week plus 1-2 overnights a week at work as well. Seeing him on the couch day after day makes me want to spit on him, not jump on him.

We have the same conversation over and over again. I am so tired of nagging him and getting angry that he is so lazy. I wish I could just accept that he will never change and get on with my day. I enjoy looking after our home and doing the cooking, but I am so tired of him being totally worthless and lazy and couch bound. He doesn't think that my feelings about him not giving me help around the house should have any affect on my sex drive because my constant nagging doesn't have any affect on his sex drive.

I obviously don't want lack of sex to be his reason for divorce, but I don't know how to make myself desire him when I just see him as another responsibilty, not my man that I want to jump into bed with!

Sorry, I missed the bit where he surfs porn. Oh boy this gets even better.(worse).

Well when you see him surfing porn I would grab a pile of his dirty underwear/socks and just fling them at the screen. Or that squashed up jam sandwich that toddler trod on before...

Also, when does he actually do his study for his p H fecking D.

I did a business degree, two kids, worked fulltime, and rolled the ball at home (back then)... to a lazy arsed ex husband. Looking back I just wish I knew what I know now. Note EX... these arseholes end up in the bin at some stage.

Are you American may I ask where your homeland is? Is there a big culture thing going on here? Is he English or from somewhere else (like Pluto?)

Nope, I is who I is.

While I am cooking dinner she is usually making a big production out of bathing the kids. Usually it's then "I want Daddy to get me out of the bath..I want Daddy to dry me" etc which means I get roped in to do that while she "does their bags for the morning".

She regards loading and unloading the dishwasher as a full day's work. She doesn't actually do it properly though - just piles stuff up all over the counter and hob. Hasn't got time to put it away apparently.

I'm sorry but your thread title just makes me want to say to you to tell him goodbye.

It seems pretty clear fom the mother example that he expects you to live your life around him. Frankly he has this exactly wrong - he should be living his around you because you are the breadwinner and main carer, and therefore if anything happened to you you would all three of you be screwed.

Definitely let his mother see how he lives. You are the earner and he should be the home maker. If he can't be arsed to do that then he is not making any contribution other than promises.

LH - why not take over bathing the kids seeing as you do most of it anway...that way your DW will have time to clean the kitchen and cook a meal?

I don't think the OP has mentioned that he is surfing porn, or that if he is it is a problem. I think that somebody lower down suggested his behaviour might be indicative of one who surf's porn.

'He watches tv until 11 or 12(when he's not busy looking at porn on the laptop) and gets up and does the same thing the next day.'

from OP

I stand corrected.

i would let him leave, does he have any good points? he needs to grow up.

Still no mention of endearing qualities? Is he a doting father, what is he good for? Is he exceptionally good in bed? What???? Give us some insight apart from negatives, we all here already hate the man and wish you'd boot him out.

Sound sliek hes only just started doing stuff cos he knows his mum wont be impressed when she arrives otherwise.

Having a useless SO is worse than having none at all IMO.

Why don't you tell him that unless he gets his lazy arse of the fecking sofa and stop watching porn on the laptop that you'll leave HIM?

What is an SO?

significant other?

Ok, I'm back. I went out with ds for the afternoon. Someone asked if I was American? I am American and he is West Indian. We ended up in England because he is a British citizen (born but not raised here) and decided to begin his University career in England.

He looks at porn when I am already in bed because I go to bed much earlier then him. I know this because every time in get online, the history has been cleared from the computer usually. Sometimes he forgets so I see what he's been up to. I'm pretty certain that he looks at it almost every day, but he says if I give him more sex he wouldn't have to look at porn.

Yes he does have good qualities, but they almost all have to do with how he takes care of ds. He is a loving and caring and involved father when he looks after ds when I work nights and weekends.

I have felt in the past accepted for who I am from him, and that has taken us very far. I obviously don't feel this way now. He is a very hard worker and very well respected in his research. Unfortunately, all of his hard work goes into his PhD, not into our home and marriage.

He has been very supportive of me going after my goals and does arrange his hours to look after ds so I can take a class 1 night a week, or make plans outside of the home. He has also been very supportive of the battle I've had with depression and adjusting since I came to England 3 years ago.

Other than that, I am still too angry to think about his good qualities. He does have them, I'm just to blinded my shock and anger to see them.

But I do also have to wonder if all this is worth it in the sake of not breaking up my son's family. I don't think he will ever change and I don't think I can just accept this.

I did pick up dinner for me and ds when I was out and got nothing for h. That is a big step for me!

But isn't it just a childish way of trying to make a point? (not getting him food in.)

Your son will not thank you for staying with his father for his sake.

Has you DH ever had a job, or has he been supported throughout?

Obviously not condoning his behavior, but may explain why he feels that the world owes him. Very self centered individual.

It's about respect and reading your posts, he has very little respect for you at the moment.

Well I'm also doing a PhD full-time. I only have 3 days child care plus Saturdays. I have dd alone 2 days, I do the majority of the household chores, including cooking. We both get up with dd at 6.30-7 (but trade on weekends) and I am SO not a morning person. So you can imagine how much sympathy I have for your dh.

And just how much does he think he's going to earn when he's finished? Not much as a postdoc at a university, maybe a bit more in industry - but salaries in industry take a few years to take off. It's not that fantastically well-paid.

I really wonder what will change when he gets a job - and how on earth he will cope with a job that doesn't have the flexible hours he enjoys now.

The PhD is irrelevant to this situation. It's just another way of playing me Tarzan you Jane. All you can do is go on strike for better terms. Pity he won't do counselling.

Agree with going on strike idea. He thinks just no sex is bad? He has no idea... (generally!)

Is he one of those only child guys where Mummy put her heart and soul into his education and nurtured him out of reality? They tend not to come to grips with the harsh reality of what real-life is about. Tired wife, messiness that needs four hands and not two. A bit macho 'I'm studying now so I want this that the other'...Spoilt brat. Well, you have your work cut out for you to change that mind set and I reckon you should really leave it as is, till Mummy gets there and let her have a real life look at what it is all about. Don't cosmeticate things for her arrival and let her see what's up. She may have a talk with him but my guess is she sees his acheivment in his studies as his all round winner.
Reason I say this is my ex was Jewish, only son, and he was brought up by his doting parents who never let him lift a finger and he had no idea how things were done. I stuck it out with him for far too long, but the complaints I had were similar to yours + (he was always grumbling about lack of sex as if it was be all and end all) never stopped to think whether I had any energy left for feeling sexy towards him, If I ever mentioned things to his Mum, she would say 'Patience my dear, he's a man'....Paleeeeease! (Well... sweet revenge, she got him back in the end) ha ha ha

Yes, Kally, that's is exactly who he is. He's been in Uni for 8 years now, all paid for by his mother.

I cannot change him, He's been who he is for too many years. I just don't think I have the strength right now to start over in a foreign country where I have no family and no support system for me and my son.I have permanent residency so there is no visa issues, it's just the thought of doing it on my own, completely and totally on my own here that is unimaginable.

lotus - am American too, and don't have family here. I was on my own after getting divorced from ex h. You cope. You make friends and make yourself a network.

Although I didn't have kids at the time, am sure I would have coped just fine.

From a pratical stance, are you entitled to benefits? Some with leave to remain are entitled and some aren't. Did you still have letter from Home Office when you got your leave to remain?

I would apply for citizenship if you are considering being on your own. I can't remember off the top of my head how many years one needs to be legally in the country before applying but this would be on the Home Office web site.

How old are you guys? There is hope for change if you are still quite young. When you first got together what was he like?

Reason I am asking is, I am in my early 50's and with life and experience and being able to look back on situations, people, etc, the signs are always there.

If he was a good boyfriend that you felt you could follow (to distant shores) and still be safe and cherished, then he must have given you that 'you're safe' impression. Look back.

As for being alone. I was alone too. When me and ex split up I was in his land, outnumbered by his angry family for having made it break up (his story to save face) plus all the dynamics of different standards going on (compared to my British upbringing). Are you both American subjects? If you left him, say, and went back to the States, till he got his head together (just saying) and you can step out of the fire for a while to see what you want for you and little one.

Say you're going for a break with baby. And GO. I did that once, came home, talked to family etc, (earlier on in marriage) who assured me that they supported me always, and I went back to husband with reloaded guns and sorted things out the way I expected them to be. when you are weak due to change you can loose your 'character' 'your focus', almost get lost. Especially with such a 'character' in your everyday life.

My ex was changable, he went from being good, to very good, then would have a spell of downess and nastiness, always fluctuating. It drove me nuts. But being away amongst your own gives you perspective. You need to do this before you throw in the towel.

lotus it's important for you to get British nationality because your son has it if he was born here to a British national.

permanent residency visa can expire if you are living outside the UK for 2+ years, but nationality doesn't, so sort that out first.

it is expensive. i got it before the price was increased but it's now in the region of about £900 including hte passport.

but it's vital if you do decide to leave the relationship.

the US has a special arrangement with the UK regarding child custody arrangements, so you'll need to see a solicitor if you wish to return to the US with the child - it definitely cannot be without the consent of your ex h.

but first, sort your dual nationality out.

it's a myth that Americans can't be dual nationals and always has been - it's just that the US doesn't recognise dual nationality.