Dh said if I don't give him sex more often he will leave

[lotuseener]

and go look for it somewhere else. He also said that he didn't get married to become celibate, and he didn't cut his balls off when he put a ring on my finger.

I know our sex life wasn't great, but I didn't know it was that bad. We work opposite shifts and have very long days, a toddler, he's a post-grad student, etc. No family/close friends around to babysit so we have never gone out alone since ds was born.We still have sex every couple of weeks. I just lost my sex drive after I had ds, and it has never come back. Ds is 20 months old now. I never think about sex and I never fantasize about it either, it just never enters my mind.

I'm very hurt and very angry, because I believe he is being serious. I just don't really want to have sex with him. Dh is very, very lazy around the house and does absolutely nothing. He is great with ds, but gets out of bed when he feels like it, goes into the lab at Uni, comes home eats his dinner in front of the tv and melts into a blob on the couch. He watches tv until 11 or 12(when he's not busy looking at porn on the laptop) and gets up and does the same thing the next day.

I am so filled with resentment towards for not being reliable and sharing responsibilty in our home that I don't want him to touch me.If I need something done, like stuff put away in the loft, I have to ask him every day for about 2 weeks on average before he will do it. I pay the bills, do the shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, look after ds and work about 25 hours a week plus 1-2 overnights a week at work as well. Seeing him on the couch day after day makes me want to spit on him, not jump on him.

We have the same conversation over and over again. I am so tired of nagging him and getting angry that he is so lazy. I wish I could just accept that he will never change and get on with my day. I enjoy looking after our home and doing the cooking, but I am so tired of him being totally worthless and lazy and couch bound. He doesn't think that my feelings about him not giving me help around the house should have any affect on my sex drive because my constant nagging doesn't have any affect on his sex drive.

I obviously don't want lack of sex to be his reason for divorce, but I don't know how to make myself desire him when I just see him as another responsibilty, not my man that I want to jump into bed with!

LostHorizon is a REAL MAN (says with weirdy growling voice)

Real men unload the (fucking) dishwasher now and then

When DH completed his PhD he was a full-time stay at home dad, and he did ALL the housework while I worked full time.

When I did my PhD I did it part-time (but still only took 3 years (boast)), worked full time, had two children, and did my share of the housework. I wrote up my thesis one handed while breastfeeding.

A PhD is NOT an excuse for not doing anything. All of the PhD students in my department have part-time (at least) jobs and also appear to pull their weight at home.

(You might want to break it to him that a PhD is no guarantee of a lot of money).

custy hits the nail on the head as usual.

custy hits the nail on the head as usual.

Oh God Yes, a REAL MAN (and you know what, I really, REALLY want to have sex with him!!!!!)

Lotus, sorry for the brevity on such an emotive OP, but maybe your useless husband should read what LH has written...... and see the response that a REAL MAN gets from women

Well, he's stayed home today because he said he has nothing to do in the lab (!?)

He swept the floors and picked up some toys. He informed me that he will mop the floors tonight after ds goes to bed.
I told him that I will no longer be doing his laundry or his food shopping or cooking his meals. I will make sure that ds is well taken care of, but I am not taking care of his meals and laundry anymore. he said that was fine and that he was going to do the cooking anyways when his mother was here because the last few times I've cooked the food hasn't been any good.

I also told him that I was concerned that I didn't love him, and that possibly I haven't in quite some time. He just shrugged that off.

I suspect his help at home today has something to do with his mother coming tomorrow, not because of anything I've said or done. He wants her to come to a place that seems that everything is perfect because he only sees her 2x a year.

His mother is partly to blame for the man he turned out to be. He's her only child and she has given him everything his whole life so he can be a professional student. He's never been made to have a job, and when he still lived at home never had 1 chore to do, depite his mother working around the clock as a nurse.

I am sooooo not looking forward to her visit, we've had our share of conflict over the years....

why not go out and leave them in alone for a while?

Get you LostHorizon! Living proof that men are not all massive twats! Just what was needed on this thread.

Nah, it's more complicated than that. I work and pay for a cleaner 3 times a week, a gardener, and a window cleaner. When I get in from work I cook dinner every night, often but not always from scratch, then settle the 5 year old. I get to knock off about 10 if I'm lucky - the 2 year old takes longer to settle and there are constant demands for drinks, milk, biscuits, cups of tea, another story from Daddy, etc.

The missus is a pathologically untidy SAHM who, I have concluded, would rather live in squalor than do anything about it. If the 3 of them are at home during the day they can wreck the house again so thoroughly before I get in that you wouldn't think the cleaners had been. This is how I know how long it takes to clean a kitchen, and how to do it properly; it's usually the first job when I get in before the kitchen is fit to use.

Anticipating the obvious question, I don't think I could afford to fund two households.

what is her explanation LH?

Oh Lotus - you really have got your work cut out with this one. How dare he criticize your cooking. I agree that when Frankenstein arrives you should leave her and her monster to it. She'll probably be wiping his arse for him within hours of arriving. Diddums.

That's the thing Kerry, I don't know how much I love him, or even at all. My feelings are so blurred by hostility and resentment that I don't know if I have good feelings for him.

Going to go to the gym now! Maybe I'll feel better if I sweat!

oh lotus - let his mother see him for what he is....please! Dont let him off the hook for the sake of appearances. As someone else said - it reflects on him not you.

Lots of great posts here.

Does seem to me though that you both have two completely different expectations of marriage and ne'er the twain shall meet.

He sounds like a total lazy cock and needs to understand cause adn effect (it's not rocket science and even if it was - he's doing a phd, no?) ie if he doesnt pull his weight and contribute to the household then you will nag him. Way to stop you nagging = pulling his weight in the home.

And if math's is his thing - I O U's for the future especially with money are entirely meaningless and not worth the paper it's written on - especially in the current climate

"She doesn't have time"

what does she do when you get in then LH? what is she doing whilst you are cleaning and cooking?

5 year old is at school, no?

my sister did a master's, taught full-time and has two kids.

her husband worked FT as an engineer and did all the work round the house as sis needed to study AND do the teaching duties that have to be done after hours - marking, lesson-planning, meetings, etc.

'not a morning person'.

um, does he expect to just show up at work whenever he feels like it?

sorry, but i'd street someone like this.

He has said if you don't have sex with him he'll leave, not that he'd help around the house or stop acting like a prick. It's a stupid ultimation he's the only person getting any benefit from it.

Maybe if he stopped looking a naked woman online and showed a bit of maturity and love towards his wife, he might get to see her naked once in a while.

I, personally, would have kicked him out by now.

But he swears a lot girls....(never mind, turn a deaf ear)...

Best not to hijack lotus' thread here...

my dad did a master's in petroleum engineering whilst working FT as a petro engineer with 2 kids at home, a wife and a mortgage.

he was 37 years old so not a spring chicken.

still did plenty of stuff around the house and as much childcare as he could.

no excuse for being lazy.

and does he expect to walk into a job when he's not getting valuable work experience whilst doing his PhD?