Dh said if I don't give him sex more often he will leave

[lotuseener]

and go look for it somewhere else. He also said that he didn't get married to become celibate, and he didn't cut his balls off when he put a ring on my finger.

I know our sex life wasn't great, but I didn't know it was that bad. We work opposite shifts and have very long days, a toddler, he's a post-grad student, etc. No family/close friends around to babysit so we have never gone out alone since ds was born.We still have sex every couple of weeks. I just lost my sex drive after I had ds, and it has never come back. Ds is 20 months old now. I never think about sex and I never fantasize about it either, it just never enters my mind.

I'm very hurt and very angry, because I believe he is being serious. I just don't really want to have sex with him. Dh is very, very lazy around the house and does absolutely nothing. He is great with ds, but gets out of bed when he feels like it, goes into the lab at Uni, comes home eats his dinner in front of the tv and melts into a blob on the couch. He watches tv until 11 or 12(when he's not busy looking at porn on the laptop) and gets up and does the same thing the next day.

I am so filled with resentment towards for not being reliable and sharing responsibilty in our home that I don't want him to touch me.If I need something done, like stuff put away in the loft, I have to ask him every day for about 2 weeks on average before he will do it. I pay the bills, do the shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, look after ds and work about 25 hours a week plus 1-2 overnights a week at work as well. Seeing him on the couch day after day makes me want to spit on him, not jump on him.

We have the same conversation over and over again. I am so tired of nagging him and getting angry that he is so lazy. I wish I could just accept that he will never change and get on with my day. I enjoy looking after our home and doing the cooking, but I am so tired of him being totally worthless and lazy and couch bound. He doesn't think that my feelings about him not giving me help around the house should have any affect on my sex drive because my constant nagging doesn't have any affect on his sex drive.

I obviously don't want lack of sex to be his reason for divorce, but I don't know how to make myself desire him when I just see him as another responsibilty, not my man that I want to jump into bed with!

You still didn't mention his good qualities so that we can imagine him in a different light. What are his endearing qualities?

"he's got a whole list of things that he wants to address with me but he isn't ready to talk about them yet because he is too fed up and angry at never getting sex."

I'm sorry, what?

So until you have sex with him, no discussions can happen about your marriage? What kind of childish behaviour is this? This isn't a ransom demand, it's a marriage.

I'm perfectly willing to believe there's fault on both sides, these things are never cut and dried and on MN you only ever hear one side of the story.

But IF HE WON'T DISCUSS THE ISSUES THEN HOW CAN YOU EVER RESOLVE THEM? Sorry for shouting, I'm on your behalf.

You two need to sit down together, preferably with a counsellor, and get it all out - every issue in the marriage out on the table, and thrash them out and resolve them.

Then, maybe, you can talk about having sex again.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

And my opinion of him just got lower now I read his response to reading the thread.

What about your partner putting his 2 penneth here? Would love to know what he feels about all this...

'But I work full time in a , like, really stressful job. This is what I did my PHD for! So I could get this fabulous job and keep you in the style you're accustomed to And now you want me to take the bins out / change the nappies / cook you dinner once in a while? are you mad? Why should I? Especially when you never prance around in lacy undies for me offering me blowjobs, you bad, bad wife!'

This will be his next schpiel...

From the sounds of things I'm surprised he got his lazy arse in gear for long enough to make a list.

I notice that he's not saying "But you didn't tell them all that I do XYZ..." so he's not disputing that he does feck all?

Loved LostHorizon's post. It's the only way to deal with this sort of threat. LH is you a man or is you a woman?

Of course he's livid.

Truth hurts and all that.

Lotus, stick to your guns.

Personally I think the time for talking it through is over. I like LH's speech actually.

If he thinks there will be a queue of women waiting to skivvy for him, financially support him, cook for him then dress up and bounce up and down on his cock all night with sheer gratitude for being permitted to be his slave, then he perhaps he should go right ahead and leave. Now.

I'm trying to think of his good qualities.

He has them, but I am toooooo upset to recognize them a the moment.

Only read the OP, but my goodness me who trained him in the art of seduction?

Tell him if he want sex he needs to try a hell of a lot harder than that to get you in the mood. You neec to feel wanted and desired, not obligated and threatened!

lotuseener - just a thought, but do you think he could be addicted to internet porn?

I'm just thinking that he's showing some of the signs of addiction, i.e. withdrawing from family life, being pretty unreasonable, being preoccupied with the thing he's addicted to (i.e. sex) etc etc

Has he always been like this about sex or is it a relatively new thing?

'He says I'm making him look worse than he is and that I'm not telling you how annoying I am with my constant nagging'

NO NO NO he just made himself look even worse by saying this:

'he's got a whole list of things that he wants to address with me but he isn't ready to talk about them yet because he is too fed up and angry at never getting sex'

Is he for real?? does he really believe you are gonna have sex with him after that this, he is completely fucking mad, living in cloud cockoo

Please show him the door, he doesnt deserve you.

How old is he? And why does he think everything will be hunky-dory when he has his PhD? Has he read the news on the economy?

No ... it's p H fecking D

He doesn't appear to have grown up at all does he. Perhaps his mother can shed some light on how he came to be so deficient. Have a long chat with her about it Lotuseener.

just imagine how free you'd be without him

the only question is, would your child be better off? and if you can make that work, tell him to get lost

first time I've ever said this on MN but really, you know.

Boot him out. Tosser.

Just out of interest, what is he planning on doing when he has finished his phd? Apart from devoting more time to being a leech?

why do you want to be with him?

I is a man, for the avoidance of doubt.

The lifestyle he has in now way reflects the priorities of a father, IMHO. It sounds like he hasn't grasped this and thinks that being a father is like being a PHD student, but with more mess around, that he can add to and someone else will always clear up.

OK, on a practical note, did you say his mother was coming to stay? And you are the breadwinner while he is the flexi-time-working sjoodent?

Great. Here's what I'd do next. As the breadwinner, sole earner and main carer, you are not responsible for the state of the home. No fucking way.

He doesn't work therefore he is, and if the place is in shit order when she shows up, that reflects not on you but on him. You do not have time to tidy the place up - he does.

If he ever wants any more pussy off you ever, he can start by making himself useful. Here is how he needs to replan his day.

He should go into college at 9am and get home by 4pm.

He can then start by cleaning the fucking kitchen. Here are some tips on how a real man cleans the fucking kitchen in four steps:

• empty the fucking dishwasher (into the cupboards not onto the counters, the lazy scrote)
• put the fucking food away
• refill the fucking dishwasher (check the salt and the rinse aid, sort cutlery as it goes in so it's quicker to get out)
• clean the fucking counter tops

and it's done. If it's a complete tip it will take an hour. If it's like I left it it will take 10 minutes.

Wait, he's not done. While the dishwasher's running, he can be loading the fucking washing machine. He'll need a laundry basket and what he does is he loads one colour into it and leaves the others in the basket.

It's now 4.45 and he can put the kettle on. While it's boiling he go into the bathroom, pick up the fucking towels he left on the floor this morning and put them on the fucking towel rail.

He can then have his cup of tea, mop the kitchen floor and while it's drying he can tidy the living room.

By about 6pm he should have made a dent in things. He then puts the oven on for junior's fishfingers and when you get in, junior can sit with his back to you in the high chair watching CBeebies bedtime hour while you drink a nice glass of wine and he gets on with the important job of pleasuring you orally as you sprawl on the sofa. He can then run junior a bath, which you oversee while he cooks dinner. You settle junior and by that time dinner's ready. You clear up and you can both knock off for the day at about 8pm.

There is nothing spurious about this timetable (well OK apart from the pre-prandial cunnilingus). If you don't have others in the house all day adding to the mess, then 2 hours' housework a day should be ample, and as he's the non-worker it should be him doing it.

If he wants to be kept, there's a cost.

Losthorizon, do you mop the kitchen floor, sorry, the fucking kitchen floor, every day?

[Impressed emoticon]

LostHorizon - Will you marry me?

I saw him first

Fight you for him