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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

it happens so often on here, but I opened his mobile bill by accident and guess what?

572 replies

AreYouCallingMeDarling · 07/10/2008 03:24

yep

up to 30 texts a day to number that I find out is another woman

Just friendship says he

hahahahaha

I am a regular btw. Just don't want my mum reading this and knowing it is me. Or anyone else I know

I feel so feckin stupid

It is the middle of the night and I probably won't get any answers. But that is fine

OP posts:
Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 10/10/2008 11:41

GUM clinic is a strange place. The waiting room was mostly good looking young men. There was one middle aged, very prim looking woman and me. Oh and then a couple arrived.

I can't just stop loving him. If I can find a way for him to stay in my life then I will, I think.

But I keep changing my mind about that too.

OP posts:
Dioriffic · 10/10/2008 11:42

Message withdrawn

Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 10/10/2008 11:43

Right - off to work

OP posts:
SmallShips · 10/10/2008 11:43

Good God what an awful man (is man the right word??!)

No advice, except take your time and don't be rushed into a decision by anyone.

Thinking of you.

Lurkinaround · 10/10/2008 12:00

I've just remembered that on the day my ex finally moved out I said to him 'I would have let you stay, you know' and he said 'I know but it would just keep happening.'

Charming I thought but if he hadn't wanted to go, like all the previous times, I've a feeling I would have let him stay. This would have been a BAD THING. I felt a lot better deep down knowing it was over but it's worrying to know that I could have backed down if he'd sweet talked me into it. I hate him now because of other stuff that's happened since but we were on good terms for a while afterwards.

The fact that I would have let him stay is precisely why I intend to stay single. I act like a complete simpering doormat when I get involved with men so it's safer for me to stay away. I can say 'Kick him out' and all the rest but I know it's not that simple. (Not saying you are a doormat of course just me)

I'm typing too much about myself, sorry.

The urge to make it work is very strong but don't decide anything yet. I don't want to be harsh but I would suspect that it would have carried on if you hadn't found out. I doubt he would have ended it and confessed because of any sense of guilt. You need to bear that in mind.

GreenMonkies · 10/10/2008 12:06

Darling,

You have said you are "Up North". I am in the North West, near Chester, and will help if I can.

I am stunned by his stupidity and selfishness.

Try to eat.

pamelat · 10/10/2008 12:48

Maybe chocolate might go down ok

Do you have to go to work? I don't think that I would go.

I suspect that you will want to forgive him (I wanted to) any maybe its better to leave him, on your terms, in a few months when you feel stronger and realise that you can no longer love someone who has behaved in this way.

Its very hard to leave someone and when you have found out about cheating/affairs, I think that there is an instinct to make a claim, to almost have him back so that OW can't have him. I don't know whether that was just me.

I know that when I finally left (years and years ago) I did it calmly, years after the event but felt that I had wasted a couple of years of my life. In hindsight, I dont think that they were wasted, life was relatively ok, I just couldnt love him anymore.

Please try to eat. Do you have friends that will come round? Are you telling people?

VictorianSqualorSquelchNSquirm · 10/10/2008 12:55

Oh my.
What a complete and utter cunt. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I've been cheated on but not by someone I particularly wanted to be with.

Why is he telling you all this though? Is it really because he wants to make it work or is he just a coward that wants out and can't bring himself to end it?

Sorry but I've known people who seem to think if they are 'thrown' out then they aren't the arsehole, if they leave then they look worse. I really hope it's not the case here.

GreenMonkies · 10/10/2008 13:10

I think Pamelat speaks wise words.

WhirlingStirling · 10/10/2008 14:14

Oh God Darling you are in such a shite place at the moment - I remember it well and I am afraid it will probably get worse before it gets better. But it will get better, with him or without. Your story is making me feel so angry and sad.

You say you still cant help loving him. Well I felt like that but what I realised was that I still loved the old dh, the one I thought he was, but then after the affair, in my mind, he is a different person. I dont think I love this person. But I desperately miss my dh - I just know he has gone.

You definitely go through a grieving process for your h, the future you thought that you would have, for the innocence of your dc.

Sending strength x

Rhubarb · 10/10/2008 14:17

I'd have taken him with me. Made him sit there whilst the nurse explained what he could have passed onto you and what tests you would need to undergo.

Lurcio · 10/10/2008 14:54

I have no advice, but I have been following this thread and I just wanted to say that I am so sorry.
I can't believe how many pathetic little middle aged boys potentially throw away their wonderful wives and families in persuit of their dicks.
Maybe me should be castrated at a certain age, once their families are complete. If they act with no more morality than animals, maybe they should be treated like pets?! evil

Lurkinaround · 10/10/2008 15:30

I understand if people feel the need to leave a marriage/relationship. These things happen but it's the deceit that really hurts. I have a friend who was with her DH for 20 odd years, together since secondary school, 2 gorgeous children, the perfect marriage or so it seemed. He met someone else and moved in with her 200 miles away whilst telling his wife that he 'needed space' and that he was staying with some friends. He strung her along for months before someone found his Myspace page where he had been quite open about being with this other woman 'the love of his life' . He still wouldn't tell her even when the person who found out gave him an ultimatum - tell her or I will. It all came out in the end and my friend divorced him straight away. He said he didn't know who to choose and was keeping his options open!

That shows an incredible lack of respect for someone that he had shared so much of his life with. If you find someone else then the kindest thing is not to keep it secret because 'you don't want to hurt them' but to come clean and allow the other person the chance to get over it and get on with their lives as soon as possible.

As for the serial shaggers, well, they only get away with it because the partners allow them to. Knowing what I know now I would never give a man a second chance.

Sorry AYCMD, for posting so much. I hope you are as OK as you can be. Eat something, I know it's difficult but you need to look after yourself whatever happens. Even if it's just a smoothie or cup a soup or one of those Complan type things.

Judy1234 · 10/10/2008 16:05

Just take each day as it comes and don't rush any decisions.
People (male and female and the anti male comments on the thread are not really justified - as many women as men cheat) tend to admit to very little bit at time.

pramspotter · 10/10/2008 16:17

Lots of women cheat, but not nearly as much as men do. With women it is emotional, which you can sometimes forgive. But with men it is purely physical even if they think it is emotional. They cannot love their families more than there genitals, even if they think they can/want to.

With women it is often (not always) a different thing entirely.

pramspotter · 10/10/2008 16:18

God my typing/spelling needs work.

I did mean their and not there.

Heated · 10/10/2008 16:30

what a tit

do you want to borrow two bricks?

quinne · 10/10/2008 18:25

Pramspotter - did I read you right? If your DP has an affair, it is better that he loves her than just used her for sex (as far as his DW is concerned?). I never want to find out the answer for myself but I think I would take comfort from the slapper theory rather than believe that I've been 100% replaced.

Also, unless there is 1 woman who has affairs with 100s of men, then you have to say it must be close to 50/50 in terms of which gender has affairs.

pramspotter · 10/10/2008 19:23

To answer your question...I would be upset either way. But if he had an affair it would no doubt be with someone younger and sexier than I am and would certainly be a lust thing rather than love. He would probably "think" its love though.

I am very sexist and don't think that men can love or have complex and unselfish emotions like a woman can. Men "lust" and confuse it with love. They are simple creatures who cannot even be honest with themselves usually.

If I saw a man dump his wife of 20 years for an older uglier woman with spider veins and cellulite simply because "they seem so perfect together" then I will see it more as a "love" thing. But that never happens does it? OW is usually younger, prettier, has less responsibilies and better figure etc. Love? My arse!

But like I said I am a real sexist. I think that those of you who go through life thinking that men are intelligent and have feelings other than lust and greed are really going to get burned at somepoint.
I am married and my DH has given me no cause for concern but I will always always watch my back and have a plan B.

Judy1234 · 10/10/2008 19:34

I have very different views of men and women from some people on here but I do think cheating is awful whether by men or women. Plenty of men fall in love and have emotional affairs (as do women). Theydon't just lust and I thought statistics showed as many women as men cheated except they are better at hiding it.

Also I disagree with the comment above that man in lust in brief encounter is somehow worse than woman who falls in love even if she hasn't yet made it into bed with someone. It's almost more of a betrayal for a man or woman to get emotionally close to someone and spend loads of time with them than a quick encounter after the christmas party which means nothing.

Most adultery in both sexes is about opportunity so the answer is often to try not to spend nights apart and never agree to work away in the week etc.

Anna8888 · 10/10/2008 19:42

"Most adultery in both sexes is about opportunity so the answer is often to try not to spend nights apart and never agree to work away in the week."

Hmm. A marriage/relationship must be pretty fragile in the first place if you feel the need not to spend nights apart in order to avoid adultery.

I don't cheat on my DP because I love him and really have no desire to be with anyone else. And we have spent weeks - months apart during our time together.

littlelapin · 10/10/2008 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladylush · 10/10/2008 19:59

so sorry you are going through this. Been through it myself only minus the condom issue. Still went to clap clinic though. Charming places. Anyway, I hope you are ok. Try to eat (and drink). Take your time to make the best decision for you. I chose to try and forgive my h but it is hard work 8 months on and like HW I will never fully trust my h again. He didn't ever go back to ow though and didn't have anything to do with her after I found out. I think if you do decided to give him another chance, maybe he should reconsider career options as him working away will do little to rebuild your trust.

Judy1234 · 10/10/2008 20:09

And do check if he has gone back. I know (and I don't mean biblically know as in sexually) one man whose wife found out but let him stay. He still sees his long term mistress every week on a Friday afternoon (I read her blog). I always wonder why the wife doesn't check up on him given his past.

I don't think I've ever been cheated on so probably I'm not qualified to be on the thread but there's a lot of it about and an hour's chat with a friend this week on a similar issue (he will leave his partner when he finds someone else suitable and not before) just put it in mind. Much better to deal with the problems and if necessary part and only after that look for someone else but so many men and women don't leave a partner until they have the next person lined up.

ladylush · 10/10/2008 20:53

Which is so shit I think. The idea of lining someone up is so disgusting to me.

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