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Original poster

Do all men cheat even the good ones?

163 replies

London7 · 27/09/2008 09:09

I am horrified to find out that some of our male friends, who I have always looked up to have cheated on their partners. They have admitted it to me and told me that even my husband must be doing it because it is normal for a guy to do that!. Am I being naive or are they right?

OP posts:
ConstanceWearing · 28/09/2008 11:09

Omg, Onager. I never really thought about it from that angle. Do you really think they don't even like their partner? Lots of people say men can 'compartmentalise' their brain, so the cheating has no real relationship to their every day life.

I do agree with you, btw. It's not something I could do to someone I love, but I kind of thought that men found it easier

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 28/09/2008 11:10

My SIL was living with her boyfriend of five years, they'd been talking about getting married and havin a child.
He split up with her, and one of his reasons was that when he went out with friends, he knew he had the opportunity to cheat and it had crossed his mind. So he split up with her rather than cheating on her, as he wanted to be "single" (he was only 21 at the time, been with her since he was 16).
I always thought it was odd - everybody has opportunities to cheat but choses not to because they love and respect their partner. But I do kind of see where he is coming from

VictorianSqualor · 28/09/2008 11:17

I think relationships are all too often not founded on the right reasons.

People kind of 'fall' together and then when they realise they aren't really 'in love' it's, In their opinion, too late. But rather than end it they stay, so straying becomes a lot easier.

Women find it easier to romanticise the bad relationships so are possibly less likely to stray, whereas men will more often have more of a life outside the home so the chance is there more often.

Plus they see other guys doing it, not getting caught and being able to do their 'duty' by looking after their wife and children but still get to have a bit of fun with that bit of skirt they fancy and no-one is getting hurt (or so it seems).

onager · 28/09/2008 11:21

Just want to add that as xenia says someone who gets drunk at the Christmas party doesn't really count.

It's someone who invents a 'darts night' or something so he can be with someone else who is really cheating.

I think the whole 'compartmentalise' thing is a red herring. After all even if the guy believes in free love or that evolution requires him to spread his DNA etc he knows what it will do to you

Judy1234 · 28/09/2008 11:30

The person who was ringing me at length in August who has a partner in my view was causing more potential damage to his relationship by that time he was spending and the connection (had I not stopped it) than someone who just messes around with the air hostess on his flight when he's got an over night as pilot abroad. However those casual things can lead to more so potentially are also bad and it's all shades of badness. Much nicer when people can be faithful which is why most religions and most cultures have it as an ideal.

Also some people just aren't very sexual and it's easy enough for them to stay faithful, the never think about sex from one day to the next. Not everyone is like that which doesn't excuse cheating but it means some people feel more temptation than others.

ConstanceWearing · 28/09/2008 11:37

That's very true. They do know what it would do to you, and to their life in general. If they still choose to do it, they really want out of the relationship anyway, I suppose.

VictorianSqualor · 28/09/2008 11:38

I think also the difference in how we see consequences is a big deal.

When I was with my XP it was a loveless relationship. In fact, most of the time I couldn't stand him. I know for a fact that he was sleeping around behind my back, I just never had solid evidence. Once I did, I ended it.

I had a very close friend at the time who made it clear that he felt he was in love with me and would have been happy with any kind of relationship.

I knew what it would do to my 'family' if I went for it and couldn't see the point of a quick fumble for the devastation it would cause.

Many women wouldn't split up their family because of a quick fumble, so it seems easier for the husband to get away with it.

Judy1234 · 28/09/2008 12:35

But plenty of men think like that too. I bet if a proper study were done of it it would be found women are as bad or good as men.

VictorianSqualor · 28/09/2008 15:00

Oh, I agree Xenia. Men are just less likely to get caught in the 'traditional' role of SAHM and WOHD.

aintnosaint · 29/09/2008 02:19

I can honestly say with hand on heart I truely believed with every ounce of my body that my dh would never cheat.

He's not a social person, doesn't drink (only one or 2 glasses of wine at xmas) he enjoys being around his family as much as possible, he doesn't go out, he doesn't really have any friends other than ones he speaks to occasionally on the phone. He's very quiet, not highly sexed in the slightest and thought men who cheated should be castrated.

Yet, after more than 10 yrs of marriage he was unfaithful to me. It was something that started off as just friendly chat and banter to secret meetings, calls and texts.

I'll never be so naive again. I thought I had found one of the good ones, I was wrong

FlirtyThirty · 29/09/2008 10:07

Absolutely categorically not.
All men do not cheat!
Neither do all women.

There are plenty of good guys out there.

Szyslak · 29/09/2008 10:37

I asked my Dh this.

He reckons about 15% men cheat and 4% of women.

I guffawed and said he was very naive.

Which may have been the wrong response.

sayithowitis · 29/09/2008 10:49

I think it's amazing anyone has the strength of mind/ moral fibre/lack of imagination/ lack of opportunities/ low sex drive... to remain faithful to 1 person for 40 years.

I find this rather insulting! The plain fact is that I love my DH very much and tbh, he is all I want! We have been together for 30 years, married over 25. Our sex life is as good and frequent, if not better, than when we were first married. We have both had opportunities but chose not to follow them up because we are genuinely happy and satisfied with what we have.

Hobnobfanatic · 29/09/2008 10:52

More men cheat than you think. I was with exDP for 10 years. He was romantic, thoughtful, supportive and we were the envy of all our friends. A real fairytale - but we didn't live happily ever after. As soon as I got up the duff (with our planned baby), he had an affair.

No one could believe it - least of all me. I didn't think 'good ones' cheated! They do!

scarletlilybug · 29/09/2008 11:01

Judging by the number of men who were either married or in a serious relationship and who made passes at me when I was in my twenties, I think a very high proportion of men cheat. I was never a flirt, although looking back at old photos, I was probably better looking than I realised. Can honestly say that I was quite taken aback by some of the man who "tried it on", including a few who I assumed were happily married/partnered, devoted to their other halves, etc.

I don't think my husband would cheat on me - I certainly hope not. I'm fairly sure he wouldn't go looking for anything.... but if the opportunity presented itself, who knows?

WilyWombat · 29/09/2008 11:17

I think a mixture of upbringing and attitude to sex makes some men more likely to cheat than others but even though I know my DH isnt the type of person to go out looking for someone else - I would never say he will never cheat..having said that its not something I fret about on a daily/weekly basis

Its happened to me with a previous boyfriend, I was devasated, got over it, moved on and I would again..life is too short to worry about it.

unhappy · 29/09/2008 13:58

I thought I had good one - been together nearly 20 years but he did and continues to even though he thinks I dont know - now that is sad eh

ratbunny · 29/09/2008 14:09

well I thought xh was a 'good one'
we were together 14 yrs, and he always said he thought people who cheat were dispicable etc etc. NEVER thought he would stray.
but he did, a year after the birth of ds

so it goes to show, you never know..

overdraft · 29/09/2008 16:27

I truly belived that my dh wouldn't cheat. He is a lovely man, good father, dosen't go out with his mates all the time and hated men that cheat.

He cheated on me. I thought that you could tell men that cheated 'a mile off'. I learnt that it is not so and lots of men that cheat are not womanisers. It can happen to anyone and for all sorts of reasons.

I don't belive all men cheat either. We are all different and cheating is not as black and white as I once thought.

HappyWoman · 29/09/2008 16:37

I think there are very few men who dont want uncomplicated non-commital sex without the hasstle.
Once they are in a relationship i dont think they think 'i will go out and hurt my partner' but if they think they can get away with 'extra' sex they will.
There are enough woman - paid and unpaid who are willing to 'do the deed' after all and i truely believe that there are few men who would actually turn down the chance.

Somehow they convince themselves that if they dont they may well miss out.

zippitippitoes · 29/09/2008 16:50

i dont know about numbers but there are defintely men and women whoi dont cheat

i think opportunity and culture of accepatability plat a part so yes its likely that in a cultural group eg a workplace or group of mates if the culture tips into cheating for some then more of the group will also do it

i think women are less likely to do it because of peers and more likely to do it because the situation arises

none of my partners have chwated afai k

im sure my bf wouldnt despite the fact that we have a ldr

DrNortherner · 29/09/2008 16:53

I don't think all men cheat.

But, as has been said on here, you can never really be sure.

I see how respected, married men behave when away from home on conference and it's not alwys good.......

HappyWoman · 29/09/2008 17:36

I think we do live in a culture where it is 'acceptable' - i am sure we all know someone who had cheated and the 'well these things happen' attitude seems to be the normal reaction.

I think as well the excitment of the 'secrecy' is perpetuated by the sex industy.

Wumpy · 29/09/2008 21:27

I also honestly thought my DH would ever cheat. I completly and utterly trusted but he had an affair that lasted for two months. Which only ended when i found out.

Not all men cheat by any means but sometimes its the omes you least expect. From personal experience i wouldnt say any relationship is 100% safe.

kalo12 · 29/09/2008 21:31

its not attractive is it? men who cheat always seem a bit immature to me