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Original poster

Do all men cheat even the good ones?

163 replies

London7 · 27/09/2008 09:09

I am horrified to find out that some of our male friends, who I have always looked up to have cheated on their partners. They have admitted it to me and told me that even my husband must be doing it because it is normal for a guy to do that!. Am I being naive or are they right?

OP posts:
Bridie3 · 27/09/2008 19:31

I doubt that 99% of men in the forces cheat. The ones I know are quite old-fashioned about sexual morality.

foxinsocks · 27/09/2008 19:46

hmm I don't think they all cheat

I do think there are a few factors though.

  1. Working away - someone else said out of sight, out of mind. Ne'er a truer word spoken! I used to work away all the time (pre marriage and kids) and my goodness, the amount of shagging that went on was extraordinary.
  1. The long hours work culture - the fact that a man/woman spends so long at work and away from home surrounded by other people.

I don't know really. Knew someone at old work who cheated and never told his wife and he never cheated again, acknowledged it was a dreadful mistake (moment of weakness) and felt awful but didn't want his wife to find out because he knew it would ruin everything for them. And their marriage has continued on regardless and they are fine. Part of me thinks maybe when it's been a mistake rather than a proper 'relationship' with someone else, perhaps that's the best outcome.

There's a big part of me that thinks if dh ever did stray like that, I'd just not want to know.

stayinbed · 27/09/2008 19:49

i never beleived in this but today, out of my dh's circle of about 10 closest friends, 8 cheat on their partners.

if my dh wants to go on a week-long ski trip with them, i definately say no, but if he wants to go out all night with them in the city (they cheat then too) what should i do? i know i can't prevent anything that might happen

sadly, as honest as i may think my dh is, i cannot ignore the fact that in the right circumstance and with the knowing that all his closest friends are doing it, he would be susceptible

i have had two married men ask me if i want to have an affair. i said no

stayinbed · 27/09/2008 19:50

i really dont think working away has anything to do with it. my dh's gang of friends cheat when they go out on a regular night in the city

foxinsocks · 27/09/2008 19:56

yeah but imagine how much they'd cheat if in a hotel in a foreign country if they are willing to do that on a night out in town

they sound more like serial philanderers!

stayinbed · 27/09/2008 20:01

it's unbeleiveable and they come from all sorts of different relationships, some great ones.

in the few minutes since i typed that i thought of a whole bunch more who i know have cheated.

when i was asked if i want to have an affair it was the most casual thing, sounded like 'do you fancy a coffee?'

foxinsocks · 27/09/2008 20:03

it's extraordinary really - does make you think, especially if it's so 'normal' in many circles.

no-one's ever asked me lolol

noonki · 27/09/2008 20:05

god stayinbed that is terrible

I know of a couple of blokes who have cheated and a couple of women

most have been in long term relationships for years and have never to my or my DH knowledge been unfaithful

your DH should question his friends

WhirlingStirling · 27/09/2008 20:09

Wow Clam - "No, all men absolutely do not cheat. In fact, I think it just says something about the circles you move in if you think it's so."

What do you mean? Do you honestly believe that it is a class thing?? Do you believe it only happens with certain people?

A very blinkered view!!

stayinbed · 27/09/2008 20:16

my dh's friends are one circle of friends, at work it is another 'class' and there are lots of cheaters there too.

my dh is under 40 and his friends have been married for 5-10 years

another friend of mine, not from dh's side of things, used to work in another country and told me about 90% of the men he travels on busines with cheat

Tortington · 27/09/2008 20:18

nope

Blondilocks · 27/09/2008 20:22

My ex cheated on me. He's a pilot. He said that after seeing lots of high earning pilots living on practically nothing after an expensive divorce where they cheated on their wife & lost almost everything he wouldn't cheat (although we weren't married so should have ignored that statement!)

He knew a girl who was dating someone who said he was single but one day his wife & new baby turned up on one of the flights & she ended it straight away as she didn't have a clue.

He's since told me that he doesn't see the point of cheating - you may as well just end the relationship.

Having said that we now get on fine, better in fact than when we were together.

Lots of my male friends haven't cheated on their OHs. I really don't think my boyfriend would cheat either, it's just not him. In the same way as I wouldn't be able to cope with the guilt of cheating on him.

mrsruffallo · 27/09/2008 20:37

No, it's not nomal, and anyone who thinks it is is a creep

clam · 28/09/2008 08:51

"circles you move in" is absolutely nothing to do with class. It means the people you go around with.

bythepowerofgreyskull · 28/09/2008 08:54

no - not all men cheat - alot of men wouldn't even consider it.
I wholeheartedly believe that as many women do as men.

pudding25 · 28/09/2008 09:21

It depends on the kindof people you mix with I think. I reckon I could pretty much swear on the fact that neither my DH or my very close friend's DH's would ever cheat.

SmallShips · 28/09/2008 09:53

I also think as many women as men cheat, especially nowadays when cheating seems so common.

I'm not naive and i dont think my husband wouldnt cheat, hes done it before for a start (not with me), his job makes it much easier for him to do it without the guilt of sneaking around close to home, the people he works with (not all, but alot) do it and for his age, he still buckles far too easily to peer pressure. (Painted a lovely picture there)

But i have to trust him otherwise i'd go mad, hes spent the last two nights, staying at a female mutual friends house, if i didnt have the trust, id be a paranoid mess by now.

I don't think, i'd be able to cheat though, i dont cope well with guilt.

Anifrangapani · 28/09/2008 10:16

I think most people have it in them to cheat. I have, my dh has.

I don't think everybody does or will.

I have to believe that on both my and dh's part that it won't happen again. Life is too short to be living on edge, because of what may or may not happen.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 28/09/2008 10:27

I think I actually know more women who have cheated. Whether that is because they are more likely to "confess" I dont know.

ConstanceWearing · 28/09/2008 10:32

I used to say "I know my husband would never cheat". He knew it would spell the end of our marriage, but he did it anyway and I threw him out.

So you can't say what other people will and won't do. You can really only speak for yourself, imho. It's not something I would ever do, but both my husbands and several boyfriends have done it to me. I don't find it shocking. I just don't accept it as part of a relationship. If they want to play away, I'm not going to break my heart over it, but neither am I going to continue the relationship with them. Their loss, cos I'm blardy lovely

ConstanceWearing · 28/09/2008 10:34

I know a woman serial adultress, too. It's all about her fear of losing her looks. She needs constant reassurance from other men that she is attractive. Strange, isn't it?

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 28/09/2008 10:43

Do you know my step sister or aunt by any chance?

ConstanceWearing · 28/09/2008 10:57

lol elf.

Saddest thing is that she is so pretty. She's really making a fuss over nothing. And it makes her so boring because she obsesses about her looks - the conversation can get a little one-dimensional, iykwim

onager · 28/09/2008 11:00

I'm a guy and I wouldn't cheat. I don't feel any special pride in this since it doesn't require a huge effort not to do so.

My dp makes me happy in all senses not just sexual. We are lovers, but also friends and enjoy being together. I'm not looking for a chance to 'escape' and have a good time. I'm having a good time.

In any case I wouldn't want to hurt a casual acquaintence that much let alone someone I care about.

If a man feels he might cheat then he doesn't even like his partner let alone love her so should announce he is leaving now.

Judy1234 · 28/09/2008 11:09

Most adultery is because of opportunity rather than planning for men and women. So not going away on business, not living in one country whilst the spouse lives in another, trying to be together if one is going to be in another town, spending time together and of course giving good sex at home (both men and women something far too many people neglect) makes it much less likely people cheat.

Not a single woman on this thread has admitted cheating but I bet my 25% of men and women over long term relationships statistic is correct. And some cheating is worse than others. I would be more concerned about someone forming a close emotional attachment to a woman even it technically they hadn't done it than someone who gets drunk at the Christmas party and has sex with a work colleague which is much less of a risk and not so important.