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Original poster

Do all men cheat even the good ones?

163 replies

London7 · 27/09/2008 09:09

I am horrified to find out that some of our male friends, who I have always looked up to have cheated on their partners. They have admitted it to me and told me that even my husband must be doing it because it is normal for a guy to do that!. Am I being naive or are they right?

OP posts:
bran · 27/09/2008 11:01

I think a surprising number do cheat, not just the ones that you would suspect. A lot of DH's work aquaintances have cheated on their wives and they had and continue to have secure, happy marriages and their wives don't know. I would never have guessed that they were the type. I was quite shocked when I found out as I was pretty naive about the 'type' that would cheat up until then.

fanjolina · 27/09/2008 11:04

About 80% of men I know have cheated (could be higher -those are the ones I know about)

Thefearlessfreak · 27/09/2008 11:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

HeinzSight · 27/09/2008 11:07

But how many of these men who say they've cheated actually cheat. Is a lot of it just 'banter'.

pagwatch · 27/09/2008 11:08

ah well
glad to be in a minority.

It doesn't become tempting just because it is availble - i can watch Eastenders on tv or via the net on request now. That doesn't suddenly stop it being shit and make me want to watch.

It is only tempting if you find it acceptable and or desirable.
Availability won't stop me thinking it is skanky.I don't base my morals on a
lowest common denominator vote.

Availability will help people who WANT to do it - and will certainly help with their self justification by trying to assume that because they and others do then everyone must.

MinaLoy · 27/09/2008 11:09

One of my favourite quotes from the best movie of all time - The Big Chill:

Karen: [smoking a joint, passes it to Harold] No... I know that Richard will always be faithful to me.
Harold: [takes the joint, about to smoke it] That's nice. Trust.
Karen: Fear of herpes.
[Harold stops short of putting the joint in his mouth]

jellybeans · 27/09/2008 11:30

No one can say for certain that their partner would never cheat. What they mean is that they don't think they will.

FluffyMummy123 · 27/09/2008 11:30

Message withdrawn

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 27/09/2008 11:39

jellybeans i can say 110% that my man would never cheat on me. i do 110% know that it would never happen.

he has disspeared for the night. i have found out that he has been at barmaids houses on his own after the pub. i have found out that he has gone down the town with just one or two barmaids. he has told me he thinks he has been in one place but cannot remember what he did after that. i have later found out he was the with...wait for it....the barmaids but i have never doubted that he is staying faithfull. and i never would.

Pinkchampagne · 27/09/2008 11:51

Not all men. My DP is a good man, and I know he has never cheated. He said that even when things were really bad in his relationship with his ex wife, he would never have cheated. He would end the relationship if things were bad, but never be unfaithful.

SmallShips · 27/09/2008 12:14

I served on a ship with 2 women and 35 men, i was suprised how many men cheated on their partners/wifes. Probably as it was so easy with an out of sight, out of mind mentality. I hated having to sit listening to the sob stories of their divorces and how they dont see their DCs much, because even though they did the dirty 1000 miles away, most still got caught.

My DH is in the forces making it easy for him to do it, i cant say i know 100% that he wouldnt cheat on me, i hope he has more repsect for me than that.

WhirlingStirling · 27/09/2008 13:32

I hope that all men do not cheat.

Interestingly, I trusted my h 110%, never thought for one minute that he would be unfaithful. He was also one of those that looked down on men that were cheating on their partners and thought they were stupid.

Last year he had an affair!

You just never know 100%

Hulababy · 27/09/2008 13:44

Of course all men don't cheat. Just like not all women cheat. Most men and women don't cheat - sadly some do, but not the majority. And no it is not normal for anyone to cheat on their partner. Deceitful behaviour is very normal IMO.

I know many men who have never cheated on their partners; many who have been with their partners for many many years.

2rebecca · 27/09/2008 15:21

I think the expectation that you will be sexually faithful to 1 person all your life is a tall order. Many of us would probably be serial monogamists were society differently structured.
I think our expectations of marriage are generally unrealistic, with people still finding it totally catastrophic when their partner strays and treating each other like possessions.
I think you can do things in a relationship to try and make it last, by keeping emotionally and physically close whilst giving each other some space, but if it doesn't last and you end up with 3 marriages lasting 10 years each why is this seen as worse than 1 marriage lasting 30 years? We do rate quantity over quality with marriages.
There are some serial philanderers best stayed clear of, but many people I know who have had affairs did so because they were no longer happy in their marriages, yes they should have ended the marriage first, but dispite the high divorce rate I think many people stick with miserable marriages when they have stopped having sex, or feeling an emotional bond with that person, in a way thet they wouldn't if they weren't married and were just in a relationship.
I think it's amazing anyone has the strength of mind/ moral fibre/lack of imagination/ lack of opportunities/ low sex drive... to remain faithful to 1 person for 40 years.
I just hope in my current marriage my husband and I tell each other when we want to call it a day rather than go off with someone else.

scaryteacher · 27/09/2008 16:50

Ambercat - I know several men in the Forces who don't cheat - I'd love to know where you get your statistics from, or are you just stereotyping? Not much opportunity on board one of HM Submarines, or in Afghanistan either. For that matter - why do you not say that all Forces wives are unfaithful if you are trying to imply that if the cat's away?

I've been with dh 23 years, and have never wanted to be with anyone else since we got together. I don't think it's low sex drive/lack of opportunity/lack of imagination either...I made a set of promises when we got married, and I try to keep those (except the obey bit), and he does the same.

For what it's worth, my pils celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary next year, and still seem to love each other to bits.

I don't think all men are unfaithful, any more than all women are; some men, just like some women, are actually happy in their marriages and don't feel the need to play away.

ranting · 27/09/2008 17:05

No, not all men do, I worked for many years as the only female in an all male workplace and I can tell you that there are lots of men that do cheat, there were a few who were indulging in extra marital affairs, but a surprising amount of them don't.

I found it quite hearterning that some of them were truly devoted to their wives.

2rebecca · 27/09/2008 17:08

You choose your promises though. There often seems to be an assumption by those who choose christian weddings that all wedding ceremonies have the same vows. They don't, in civil weddings you choose your vows.
I think it's great if both partners do stay with each other out of desire to be together rather than fear of the unknown/ sense of duty though, but I wouldn't stay with someone because I once promised I'd stay with someone til death. Being married shouldn't feel like a life sentence.

ranting · 27/09/2008 17:09

And no, you can never be 100% certain that you are not being cheated on yourself but, I think you have to take it on trust that you won't be.

Being constantly suspicious is NOT very attractive in itself.

FluffyMummy123 · 27/09/2008 17:09

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 27/09/2008 17:10

Message withdrawn

scaryteacher · 27/09/2008 17:24

I know you choose your promises, mine however, were the standard wedding ones, and I have kept them.

iCod - I can't imagine my extremely forthright, bolshy and independent mil taking any crap in her marriage, (she is the original scary teacher)or tolerating any unfaithfulness. I have known then for 23 years at fairly close quarters, and have never seen any cracks in their marriage.

I also have to disagree about the stereotypical jobs - I'm married to a serviceman, my db is one, as was my fil, and they don't cheat; neither do several of our friends who are in the Services too.

I trust my dh when he is away, as he trusts me - why not?

Podrick · 27/09/2008 17:29

I think most men who regularly work away from home will cheat on their wives.

There is a lot more cheating going on than is immediately obvious because much of it is covert.

Is it normal? Well for some men, yes. For other men, no.

DarrellRivers · 27/09/2008 17:29

No

Podrick · 27/09/2008 17:31

Remember most wives stay married if they discover their husband has cheated on them, and probably don't broadcast the fact.

The majority of men however leave their wives if the wife has been unfaithful.

CatMandu · 27/09/2008 17:39

I think it depends, but I know that amongst dh's friends it wouldn't be approved of at all. I can think of two men I know of who have cheated and lots and lots who haven't and wouldn't. My dh is away a lot and if one of his colleagues had a one night stand during a trip he would be very unforgiving of it.

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