Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Do you REALLY trust your husband?

155 replies

oxocube · 18/02/2003 17:49

I have followed several very sad threads recently concerning infidelity and the heartache it causes and I have a question for all Mumsnetters. Do you really trust your man, I mean trust to the extent of never checking he is where he says he is, flicking through receipts etc.

Like many women who contribute to this site, my DH frequently works abroad, often with very little notice and would have every opportunity to have an affair/ one night stand. I am not, by nature, a very trusting person even though DH and I have been together about 15 years now and have 3 kids. I admit (though not to DH)to checking mobile phone messages, going through his receipts/ plane tickets/hotel invoices and to asking who was on such and such a conference. I realise this sounds very sad, but when I look around me, so many people seem to be breaking their marriage vows/promises to each other.

Does anyone else not completely trust their man? I should add that I have no evidence that DH has ever been 'physically' unfaithful. I do suspect him of flirtations/closer than I would like frienships with female colleagues (but quite a few years ago).

OP posts:

BravePotato · 29/09/2014 08:05

He can trust me 100%, and I trust him.

If he were to behave suspiciously, I might snoop, who knows.

He is not the flirting type, does not like flirty women either or even female attention.

So I have not had much cause for worry.

BioSuisse · 29/09/2014 08:07

I did trust DH. I was wrong to. Exactly a week ago he walked out following me discovering he was having an affair. I never checked his emails, phone messages, i assumed he would be where he was when he said, assumed he felt our marriage vows meant as much to him as they did to me. I gave him space and freedom thinking it was the best thing to do. Oh how wrong was i.

I assumed he loved our children as much as i did but am still shocked that he has had no interest in their welfare over the last week.

Obviously i feel like a fool now. I should never have assumed so much and doubt i will trust so much in the future.

Funnily enough he blamed me being so trusting for his affair. Because i wasn't looking over his shoulder as he wrote late night texts and emails, i am to blame for not keeping him in check and allowing him to do as he pleases. You can't win!

kaykayblue · 29/09/2014 08:37

I trust my partner, but not 100%. I don't trust anyone other than my parents 100%, but I don't think it's an unhealthy attitude.

My DP is a wonderful, loving, honest and open person, which is why I trust him. But he is human, not a machine. I would be very surprised if he cheated on me now, but maybe he will change in ten years. I know he loves me, but what if a new colleague joins his team who he falls head over heels with? You just never know. Contrary to what so many women think here, there is no such thing as "not the type". It's just circumstances.

It's also a matter of how you look at it. Is "trust" meant to mean that a person can do anything at all, and you are expected to wave a hand and proclaim "that's okay, I trust him IMPLICITLY"? In my view, no. Part of trust is having faith that your partner will actively avoid getting into any compromising positions out of respect for their partner. It's about being open about things before they even become an issue.

However, I don't do any snooping on my partner. I don't need to. If he gets a text and is in the other room he asks me to read it to him. He leaves his e-mail and facebook logged in constantly, so why bother looking. He shows me the work e-mails with hotel bookings and whatnot for when he goes away on business (usually to brag or sulk at the type of hotel he is staying in).

If he wasn't so open, then I wouldn't trust him as much.

frignorant · 29/09/2014 08:43

This thread started years ago

ravenmum · 29/09/2014 08:45

I don't think the thread has a sell-by date.

worserevived · 29/09/2014 08:50

I did, because he was a loyal caring type, who everyone trusted. V naive. There is no such thing. He cheated, I was shocked, I never expected it, but with the benefit of hindsight the change in his behaviour should have made it obvious.

I think most of us trust, until we are given reason not to. It's so naive. It's a bit like people saying cheating is a deal breaker. We all think that, until it happens, and then the situation is not quite so black and white.

That's why these threads are always the same. Lots of people pile in to say absolutely, and then when you read on you see they are the ones who have never had a bad experience. My advice, never trust blindly. Don't check up, and be paranoid, but be open to the fact that people are not machines. They do things they are later ashamed of.

Now, I don't trust DH implicitly, to do so wold be stupid. I never check up on him. I don't feel the need because he is not behaving in a manner that would suggest he is cheating. If he did cheat again, I kick him out, no questions, no discussion. I wouldn't even care who she was or any of the other obsessions that kick in first time. I guess I've disconnected at some level, but I/we are happy right now. It works. The day that changes I leave.

inlectorecumbit · 29/09/2014 08:57

totally

Sickoffrozen · 29/09/2014 09:00

I don't trust anyone totally including myself! I think things can happen in life and even the most loyal person can have temptation put in their way.

However, I don't stress about it and never go looking for it! More likely to find something doing that!

Greenrememberedhills · 29/09/2014 09:05

I trusted until I found I was wrong to have done so. We went to counselling, where this issue became something of a sticking point for me.

What I resolved with the counsellor is that you can only ever trust yourself entirely in life. That means you trust yourself to decide things are not right in the relationship if they aren't. And you trust yourself with regard to whether the relationship is working for you or not.

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 29/09/2014 09:08

No. I try but he ruins it each time by not intoducing me to female work colleagues when out. He knows they make me feel inferior and then i feel like an embarrasment because of this. I know i need to work on my own confidence and often told i am pretty but its so hard when you have a chronic illness.

CinnabarRed · 29/09/2014 09:09

I don't mind that it's an old thread. I do object to it being bumped by someone looking for advertising.

peasandlove · 29/09/2014 10:00

Oops I never noticed the post that resurrected this thread. I wonder if the ladies that posted in it 10 yrs ago to say yes 100% would still say the same thing.

VSeth · 29/09/2014 10:06

I used to travel a lot for work and avoided eating in hotel restaurants or drinking in a hotel bar because of the men there. I got hit on a lot by married men. I am not a stunner by any means and I was unhappy at work and lonely.

I got sick of not being able to just sit and read a paper/work on laptop without unwanted attention and just went out for food or did room service.

I married my husband for love and hope that he isn't like those guys when he isn't with me.

vestandknickers · 29/09/2014 10:25

Ha ha. Hadn't noticed the post that got this thread going again.

Nobody will fall for that pile of crap though!

I mean join those that are happy through his handwork. Now, that just sounds wrong!!

cheerybear · 29/09/2014 11:11

Yes I trust my husband 100%, but I am a realist he could fall out of love with me fall in love with somebody else; but I would not check up on him or go through his private things, that is just rude. If I discovered my husband had been checking up on me I would be very annoyed.

SourSweets · 29/09/2014 12:11

I do.

I have never in our entire relationship checked his phone, email, Facebook, receipts, whereabouts, anything. Like yours OP he also works abroad at short notice but he makes it very easy to trust him. He shows me all the photos on his phone from his work trips, has the same password for all his devices and is never out of touch.

If he was less transparent I don't know if I'd be as trusting, but I consider myself lucky to be privy to every single part of his life like this, I know it's not the same for everyone.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2014 12:23

This is an old thread, but what the hell

I don't trust anyone 100%, not even myself

I trust my DH today ...that's the best I can do.

Ledkr · 29/09/2014 12:29

I completely agree af total blind trust is underrated in my humble opinion.

Ledkr · 29/09/2014 12:30

Sorry I obvs mean overated

LosingAllTheLego · 29/09/2014 12:37

Yes of course.

My DH is an adult and deserves to have his own space and privacy. If he were to check my phone or give the Spanish inquisition over a night out or work trip it would undoubtedly push me away and I think it would be the same the other way round too.

I don't want to live my life stressing over what could or may happen. We have an open relationship, which just wouldn't work without us trusting each other

MysteryMan1 · 29/09/2014 12:48

I think most guys have the ability to cheat. If they know they would never get caught or have to deal with the guilt I am sure it would be a fairly high percentage who would go for it.

I have a number if good mates and despite them "not being the type" i.e. most people would never think they would cheat, there are a few stories in the past of "poor judgement".

I don't think anyone should be so untrusting to go through phone records and receipts but saying someone will never cheat is somewhat naive in my opinion.

Notnastypasty · 29/09/2014 13:02

I made the mistake of trusting my dh 100%. My friends and family agreed that we were the happiest couple they knew and the least likely to be unfaithful as he was such a nice guy. I used to think to myself that if I was wrong about him then I was wrong about anyone!

He was also a terrible liar and we would also joke about his shyness with women. When he had an affair he became an excellent liar and quite heartless with it. I think its amazing what lust can do to a formerly loving, honest and caring family man. I will trust someone again but never 100%.

IrianofWay · 29/09/2014 17:01

No not 100%

I did for 31 years. Then he had an affair and I hadn't a clue. So although we are still together and I truly don't think he'd do it again, there is a part of me that looks at him with more cynicism than before. Good thing maybe but I miss that total trust - life was so much easier.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 29/09/2014 17:20

11 year old thread, surely some kind of record?

Anyway. I did, for years. Then I found out about the keylogger and that he'd been spying on me .For months. Reading all my MN waffle, all my conversations. For months. Looking at every webpage I'd looked at, every article I'd read, every game I'd played online. My whole world felt like a lie. Like someone else had been squatting, like some malevolent Gollum, in my head.
I had a mental breakdown after this. Only just coming out of it now a year later, divorcing him for this and other things.

weeblueberry · 29/09/2014 17:52

I absolutely do. We both are awful awful liars and have issues with guilt that would make it virtually impossible either of us would cheat. In fact we've mentioned in the past when someone had flirted with us and that it made us really uncomfortable.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7