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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

FAB & GLAM PART 8 - Onwards and Upwards!

1009 replies

ginnny · 18/09/2008 12:16

8000 posts - how do we find so much to talk about

OP posts:
Witchybella · 01/10/2008 16:24

We'll have a group hug like me and the kids do

Tanee58 · 01/10/2008 17:20

{{{{{{{group hug}}}}}}}

Tanee58 · 01/10/2008 17:21

and turn the heating on!

HappyWoman · 01/10/2008 17:31

heating on but themostat down! I am being mean this year - the children will not be walking around barefoot and in tea-shirts this winter. Its wooly socks and blankets on the sofas. And lots of group hugs too of course.

Tanee58 · 01/10/2008 17:37

DP and I have a problem as I like the heat on and he doesn't. Under the present circs I've had it on for just an hour or so to warm the house up, and then turned it right down or off, and got under a lovely patchwork quilt of my own devising, on the sofa, with a warm cat for company (except she threw up a large hairball all over said quilt yesterday, so she obviously got too comfortable . But I need just that bit of heat if only to stop me gasping (having a bad chest is a great excuse, though DP thinks cold air is better for wheezy lungs, but I thought I was dying on Sunday until I turned the heat on!)

Tanee58 · 01/10/2008 17:59

has anyone had problems getting onto Facebook lately? I have tried twice to catch up with the teabags and can't get on.

Dioriffic · 01/10/2008 18:04

Message withdrawn

ginnny · 01/10/2008 18:24

Witchy I'm so sorry. I know what you are going through and its shit. People tell me things will get better in time so I'm clinging on to that thought at the moment.
Can I join in the (((((((group hug))))))?

OP posts:
ladylush · 01/10/2008 21:40

Oh dear, lots of sad news on here at the moment
HW - glad you and h are going away soon. Hope you manage to have nice time together.

Dior - maybe your h just got out of the habit of kissing you because he's been away? Has he been weird in any other way?

Witchy - so sorry about dp Hope you meet someone more worthy.

Ginnny - don't sweat over the text.I even sent ow an email. Don't regret it at all. Sorry you are still so in love with him. It's a curse sometimes.

Tannee - sorry you've been ill but glad dp been looking after you

Anothermum - sorry you are here, but you will get good support. Is your h saying he wants a platonic relationship with you? It must really hurt when he says he doesn't find you attractive How long has he felt like that?

Witchybella · 02/10/2008 11:44

Thank you all for your kind words I have just taking each hour at it comes. I cant believe how strong you all are, I just hope that I can become as strong as you all, you are all to be admired.

Managed to get some sleep last night, but then this morning have started crying again as ex dp sent a text saying I looked gorgeous and that he wanted to kiss me!!! Why do that when he has made his choice. Is it mind games? just feeling so sad and unloved at the moments.

Dioriffic - what did he say when you asked for a proper kiss?

Ginny - Good advice I will do they same as you. But yes feeling shit. Hope you are doing ok.

HappyWoman · 02/10/2008 14:40

oh whichy - why do they say things like that - because he does not want to give up on you yet, i think it is some sort of control they need to have.
Dont be afraid of your feelings and you are not being weak at all for still wanting him and wanting to make it work - he is weak because he knows he cannot do it.

Did you respond to the text at all?

Witchybella · 02/10/2008 15:24

HW - Yes I am afraid I did respond, with I wish you had kissed me.

Oh dear why did I reply with that I should have told him to F off or not bothered at all. I am beating myself up about it now.

HappyWoman · 02/10/2008 16:00

Dont beat yourself up - it was probably what i would have said tbh. But that is because i am sometimes too honest - i was determined it was going to be all his own decission if he left me - and that i was going to be truthful to him (although i think i was in 'fight' mode then and had not givem myself time to really think about what i wanted - just wanted to 'keep' him away from ow).

So please dont worry if you said that to him you did mean it at the time and hopefully it has given him a bit of a guilt trip too. Take it as a compliment - at least someone wants to kiss you.
REmember there are no rules - and if you make a mistake along the way its OK.

Take care

Dioriffic · 02/10/2008 16:02

Message withdrawn

ladylush · 02/10/2008 18:36

That's strange Dior. Why do you think he has been aloof?

Anyone heard from Baffy?

Tanee58 · 02/10/2008 19:48

I have finally caught up properly on the past week! What a sad one. PC, if you are still lurking at all, sorry to see you go, but quite understand you need to deal with your own problems and hope to see you back sometime. Hopefully see you on FB .

Anothermum, welcome. Have you heard of the book 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'? Written by a Relate counsellor. If your h is willing, it might be worth getting a copy and working through it. I bought it just in case that happens to us some time - but we have other problems at present! Still, DP being very sweet - and he's caught my cold, but mildly - so it's my turn to pamper (except, unlike most men, he prefers not too much fuss when he's ill).

Witchy, please don't let him do unto you as Baffy's ex has. If he continues playing you, perhaps you could try being distant and not responding? It might remind him of what he's losing.

Dior, yes, up for lunch with you, OSJ and HW any time . I have 8 days holiday to use by the end of the year so any day that suits you will suit me! How is H being today? His behaviour does sound a bit strange.

HW, glad things are better with you. A few counselling sessions sound like an excellent idea - if only to confirm what you already sense. I do think that, unlike our parents' generation who generally 'got on with it', we expect so much more of our partners that we all need a little 'fine tuning' every so often - unless we've been VERY lucky and found the Perfect Man ! I kinda like our counselling - it feels safe with a third person there, though when I read out my homework, she said it was so comprehensive that I had enough material for about three sessions ! It has given us much to mull over and we are being very considerate to each other at the moment.

Baffy, what 'developments'? You've gone quiet & I'm not always sure that's a good thing. What's H and the mad woman doing now?

McD - really sorry to hear things are so horrible. Your thoughts on the property issue do make a divorce sound the best option all round. There is no reason why your hard work should support OW's child - all support should come from H alone.

Ginnny, great to talk so briefly on FB - didn't know we could do that! DD says I'm SUCH a computer virgin . I was sorry you went offline - or was it my computer? I do feel so angry for you after all you've been through. It must be so hard to walk away from a man who you KNOW could be the love of your life - if he dropped the drink and the lies. And having his friends berate you in public doesn't help (very bad manners of them, but I've noticed manners dissolve in alcohol).

everyone else, Hi, and hope we have better weekends. At least the sun is still shining. We have a new lodger today - she's a young Columbian journalist, very sweet, but her taxi driver came to the door for her and asked me if I spoke Spanish - which I don't (apart from ordering red wine ) 'Oh,' he said, looking worrie, 'she doesn't speak English!' Arrgh! so lots of calls for DD, whose GCSE Spanish has deserted her despite getting a B. Lodger tends to launch into a long sentence in Spanish as if we'd understand! She's gone to bed with jetlag, much to my relief! This is going to be interesting ...

Baffy · 02/10/2008 20:25

Hi everyone

Just got 5 mins to catch up.

Ginny - don't worry about sending the text, fwiw I'd have probably done the same.
I know how much you love him and how much this hurts. I think WW had a good point though, about the holiday and possible abuse territory. It's all drink related and really, until the day comes that HE decides to control himself and beat the drink, then I'm sure you don't want him anyway. How many times have you heard the promises? And when has he ever kept to one of them?
OW is probably quite welcome to him!
Am intrigued by what you mean about it not adding up though??

sugar it's lovely to see you

and Tanee I'm glad things are going well for you too

LL how are you?

Things are strange with me. H is doing everything he can to put this right. And I'm adamant that I just can't live my life in their f*cked up world where OW calls the shots and H jumps. Especially not when the child arrives. I haven't seen ANY evidence of H being the husband I deserve and my mind is very clear on that. Finally!
But bloody hell it's hard when the man you love, and are married to (!) starts being the man you fell in love with again.
How long have I prayed for this day to come?!

Overwhelming though, are my feelings of hurt and anger at the shit he put me through for that teenage slapper girl. But telling him tough, it's too late, and he needs to now live the life he created doesn't make me feel any better!
He realised what he wanted and what mattered. Just too late. And I've pretty much begged him to go and live with her and the child now, and at least give one of his children the best life he can. I'm fine with ds on my own. And I really am.
But that just seems to make him more determined.

Surely though, if he loved me like he says he does, he'd let me go now and let me have the chance of meeting someone who truly loves me and never puts a cheap shag ahead of my feelings

I'm not looking for any advice or answers. I know the answer. He hurt me one too many times and my future does not lie with someone who can treat me like that. No matter how much I love him. But I just wanted you to know that's what's happening. And I think I'm so quiet as I don't need any advice or answers. Just need to keep this strength up and build a new life away from the devastation

Thinking of you all xx

ohsmellyjelly · 02/10/2008 21:11

Hi all

sorry for randomly jumping in here but that book Tanee recommended "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is fantastic. Unfortunately it came into my married life a little too late but even then it really opened my eyes - worth a read!!

ohsmellyjelly · 02/10/2008 21:15

and hello to you too Tanee, nice to see you I am ok thanks & glad to see things are positive with you this week x

ohsmellyjelly · 02/10/2008 21:28

Oh Baffy I am so sorry I just read your post, went about it all backwards tonight! I don't know what to say apart from that you deserve so much more than you have recieved this last - is it 18 months - 2 years now? I feel deeply for you at this time as this must be almost THE most emotional time for you. I am now aware that no matter how one feels at the initial break up (and you the almost opposite of me) there are situations and emotions to follow that one just can't predict. I hope you know that I am here for you if you need, you know where I am xx

anothermum92 · 02/10/2008 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Witchybella · 03/10/2008 09:40

Anothermum - Hello, you cant help but love him you spent many years with this man and he hasnt realised yet that yes off course he still fancies OW but she is probably there on his beck and call and hasnt got the every day life of looking after his children,running a house,working and then feeling shattered by 8pm. She'ld be pampering to his every whim. Some men want the honey moon period all the time and then when it has gone with the OW they realise what they have lost.
Have you discussed at relate that he doesnt seem to be making an effort?
Hang on in there you are being strong and we are always here for support.

Baffy - I am thinking of you and I am admiring what amazing strength you have got,and you do deserve to be treated better.
Keep in touch.

Tan - New lodger sounds interesting, I see a few funny moments along the way. I have trying to stay strong and not respond to any text as he has asked if I fancy a cuddle on the bed after work but I am going out with my friends.

Dior - How are things was he more responsive yesterday?

HW - Thankyou for those words of wisdom they have made me feel abit better and to know that there is no right or wrong way makes me realise that there will be good days & bad I just wish he would stop texting and messing with my head, maybe will block his number for a while till the fuzz clears.

Tanee58 · 03/10/2008 10:43

Morning everyone,

Baffy - well, trust him to finally try to be the man he was, and too late. He will always regret what he has lost. Shame on him. Keep strong, and remember we will always give you any support you need .

Anothermum, do get that book - you have two of us giving it rave reviews now! - and do talk this through with the counsellor. All relationships go through phases when we don't fancy the other - but most people (usually women) realise these phases are part of being involved in the humdrum nitty gritty of everyday life. You can't be on honeymoon forever. However, that turned off feeling fluctuates, and you can work to bring it back (read the book!!) Trouble is, there seem to be too many men who hit that wall and think 'ok, I don't fancy this model any more, I'll go look for a new one' -like women are some sort of flash new car. WTF? If he still thinks he's your soulmate, however, there should at least be a chance of regaining the attraction again. So please don't give up on 10 years just yet.

Just to fill you in on my story, since you're new and these threads are SO long and life's so short, I seem to be one of the few on here whose husband didn't have an affair. I did. DP and I dated pre my marriage, split up for reasons to do with his own problems (which I am currently hoping he will finally try to get some therapy for). That was 20 years ago, I knew he was the love of my life, but thought we'd never be together and foolishly married a lovely man whom I liked, but didn't love in a romantic way, on the rebound. Married 12 years, had my lovely DD and due to exh's peculiar libido and - let's face it - my lack of fancying him which meant neigher of us tackled the problem - was celibate for 10 of those 12 years. Got cancer, nearly died, DP kept in regular touch through my treatment, we talked yada yada and that developed into a spasmodic affair (he lived 150 miles away). Exh finally confronted us, we realised the marriage couldn't be what he wanted and I couldn't give DP up, so we divorced. Makes it all sound more painless than it really was. The anniversary of the split comes up soon and I still suffer guilt on the day, but we have moved on. DP and I have now been together for 6 years, bought a house 2 years ago and that's when the trouble started. We do love each other, but he's 50+ and this is the first time he's committed to living with someone - and he's finding it so hard learning to cohabit, lose his freedom to live his own way, financial strain etc that it's affecting his feelings about us, hence our Relate sessions. But he's making huge efforts recently, and we're working towards making him feel that this is his home too, and that we are a family, it's not just a unit of me, DD and the cats, with him on the outside.

So that's me, living hopefully ever after .

Tanee58 · 03/10/2008 10:49

Oh, & I'm not sure what's happened to our lodger. She went to bed at 6pm yesterday and we haven't seen her since. I thought she was started college today, so I got up early to walk her to the station so she'd know the route and help her get fixed up with oyster card etc, but there's been not a peep from her room. I daren't knock in case she's so jetlagged she's sleeping it off, and isn't starting classes till Monday, or maybe she got up and went out at 6am??? But she doesn't know how to get to the station, so I very afraid she's completely passed out and is missing her first day. Big moral quandary - what do I do? Wish I'd learned Spanish!!

So instead I'm going round to my Mum's and hope that if she IS still asleep, she'll be able to cope alone if/when she awakes!

DP very curious about her - she's like the invisible woman in the back room, with enough luggage for a year and none of it (to the disappointment of Customs who searched it all) cocaine !

ginnny · 03/10/2008 11:45

Tannee - try msn its easier to use and doesn't cut you off mid sentence!!
LOL at your lodger situation!
Baffy - Well done for being so strong, you are so much more confident now than when we started talking on here and now you know that you are worth a hell of a lot more than he is offering. I'm proud of you.
Dior - Maybe H was just tired and having an off day. Try not to worry about it.

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