Fubsy, it does sound like you would be better off moving then, if you can. Particularly don't like the sound of the neighbour's son!
Yes, DP's behaviour last night was weird. And I am now in bed typing to hold onto some semblance of calm whilst inside I am reeling.
We all left DP to it in the front room tonight and DD, lodger & I ate our dinner in the kitchen. DP came in at one point for a bottle of wine (his usual second bottle ). We were discussing Lodger's spagbol recipe, and she said to him, I hear Tanee makes a good bolognese. He looked at me like the old DP for a moment, smiled and said, 'Oh, she makes the BEST bolognese!' and I thought, yes, he's coming back. A flash of my own DP. So before coming to bed I went in to wish him goodnight. He said goodnight, and added, 'I'll be sleeping down here'. I said, 'Yes, I thought you would. But when you feel better, I'll be glad to have you back.'
And he said, 'I won't be back.'
It was like that first time 18 months ago, when he said he wanted out, that the 'experiment had failed', and earlier this summer, when he said we must sell up. He said it's over, there's too much bad history between us now, we must put the house on the market and he'll be sleeping on the sofa until we sell.
I tried saying I could see he felt in a very dark place, but that I was there for him. He said no, I wasn't there for him, I never was, then corrected himself and admitted that it was him who wasn't there, that he couldn't do this any more,that he felt trapped.
I said I didn't feel we'd tried every possibility, that we agreed Relate wasn't really addressing the problems, and that the counsellor herself had suggested he need to seek independent therapy or counselling. I said look, just make an appointment with the GP, or shall I make the appointment? You can think about it as we won't even get an appointment before next week. He said, 'can I then say I won't go?' I said, 'yes, that's your choice, but I would hope you will go - and I'd go with you'.
He said, 'well, I'll tell you now, you can make the appointment, but I won't go'.
I thought, well there's no real talking to be done now, it's 10.30pm, he's drunk so much he's swaying, the football's on and he's dug his heels in. So I kissed his cheek and left, and said 'I love you' as I walked out the door. He half looked my way, but said nothing.
Oh girls, what do you think? What should I do? I went up to DD's room and collapsed on her bed in a numb heap. She was fantastic, hugged me and said it'll be all right, with or without him. But she doesn't want to leave this house either, and really, if he holds to this course, it'll be torment for all of us to creep around each other indefinitely! It's been bad enough these last four days.
I went down a bit later to fetch the laptop as I knew I couldn't sleep, and bumped into him in the kitchen, where he was rooting around for Brenda, who was on charge. He said he was going to bed too, and hadn't sorted out his clothes for tomorrow, so he might have to disturb me by coming into the bedroom in the morning. I said that was fine, I would be awake by then anyway. And this time, as we were both standing up, I put my arms around him and we actually hugged each other. A nice, tentative, long hug. I said goodnight again, and that if he got cold or uncomfortable on the sofa, there was always a space for him upstairs. This time he didn't turn me down harshly, just smiled ruefully & said, 'oh the bed will be full of cats' and I said no, they will be in the corridor as usual.
And I've kept my word, I haven't let the cats in, though it's mighty lonely in here.
I feel numb and don't know whether to feel despair or hope, because of the hug, that I might be able to get through to him slowly. It's the first real physical contact we've had since Thursday. But his fear seems to be that he's behaved so badly that if we stay together in this house, he will keep on repeating the bad behaviour and it will escalate. And he will, if he doesn't seek help. And he is so resistant to getting that help. Why would he choose to destroy what we've had rather than try every possibility to save it?
Well, so much for Relate! It seems to have just prolonged the period of quiet before releasing fresh agony. Don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight - or work tomorrow.
I wish I could cry - or then again, no, I've cried enough before and it just makes my throat ache. At the moment it's just my heart aching, and I feel sick. I also feel suspended - I went through heartbreak with him 20 years ago and I really thought, this time, it would be different. I couldn't cry then either, for similar reasons. I knew then, as now, that it wasn't anything I had done wrong - but that makes me feel even more helpless, knowing that the solution is in his hands, and that he won't act to grasp it.
Oh well, will now try to get some sleep.