FAB & GLAM PART 8 - Onwards and Upwards!

[ginnny]

8000 posts - how do we find so much to talk about

Sorry quite a lot going on here at the moment will update when I can/feel up to it!
Baffy much understanding and sympathy here - I hate the OW so much it is a physical pain - sorry dont care I do And try sooooooo hard not to hate her baby - I know/my head knows that the poor baby is not at fault and is my girls half sister But it hurts especially when DD1 said she looks just like DD2
I was relieved OW had a girl - was worried about a boy and my girls not knowing each other and meeting up and.......
AND I know H would dearly love a boy as would MIL and TBh didnt want him to have what he wanted and certainly not from her
Dior glad you are feeling better thinking of you!
Cash and HW you sound both of you whats up??
Ginny you sounds upbeat all still going well then
New guys hope you are all ok and we didnt scare you away - TBH I think all that new raw fresh pain was more than some of could cope with Sorry hope you are all ok !

HW dont hate yourself please !
YOU have done so much to be forgiving and understanding and try to change what you though you had done wrong - please please dont blame yourself - he did it he chose to address your problems with an affair - I know he is trying and making amends but IT IS NOT your fault and if I hear any more comments about hating yourself I will come down there and shake you !

Hear hear MacD.
I will shake you too HW.
Shall we turn the Ikea trip into a January sales shopping trip?
I'm very broke at the moment so hopefully by January I will have either won the lottery or some other miracle will have happened to improve the situation.

Please do come and give me a shake - i am bloody freezing and the plumber still not here. British Gas cant even give me an approx time so i cant even go to get weighed this week either.

I dont really blame myself - i just wish there was a magic wand to stop me nose diving into dispare and scheming just because he is having to work closly with this woman.
Actually now that i have pointed out to him how 'unreasoable it is for her to contact him so much i think he sees it too. Some people just seem to think that unless they are 'busy' at work they are not productive.

My h rarely answers calls out of hours anymore - but she is obviously insecure if she needs to tell him about every little problem that comes up.
He says it is quite amusing at the moment as obviously people are a bit twitchy about their jobs and so there seems to be a kind of competion as to who does the most work during the weekend - and then proceed to boast most of monday about how tired they are because they have done so much.

Thank goodness h has seen the light and knows what is really important now - family.

Ooh great idea Ginny, I can get some holidays in Jan so I could arrange to come down then too. That would be great

Macd I love the fact you understand everything I?m going through. It helps so much. You?re spot on (again!) about not wanting your H to get what he wanted from her. I think that?s a big issue for me. What if H and I never have a girl, if my baby is a boy, his only daughter, will be thanks to her. It gives her more meaning. More importance. She?s given him something I never will

At least if she was having a boy, I know that my ds is so so special to everyone, especially H, that she (in my head) would continue to be second best. Just his bit on the side who got pregnant in a desperate attempt to keep a man who was never hers in the first place.

I can?t bear the thought of him saying, or people saying, oh H?s daughter is thanks to OW?
Twisted I know. There?s no logic in this. It doesn?t make sense. It?s just how I feel

HW don?t worry, I won?t be defending H to anyone. I know full well he deserves everything he gets, and more! Like I said, I think it?s his karma beginning to well and truly bite him on the bum!

And please don?t hate the person you are. You are a wonderful, loving, forgiving person. What you hate, is the way your H has made you feel due to his actions. You?re dealing with it in the best way you can. And you should be proud of that. Luckily, so is he.

Cash I?ll text you in a bit It?s great to hear from you. Like you said, I do try to focus on how pleased I am that I have the chance to have this much wanted second baby and a sibling for my ds.

I just hate so much that this is clouded by OW. She doesn?t deserve a minute of my thoughts. Hating her is a total waste of energy and totally pointless. But I have to admit that I am only human, I can?t help how I feel, and of course, after what they have both done to me I?d have to be superwoman to just block it out of my head completely! Even though I try! The counsellor did tell me that I do need to deal with, and process these feelings, and not to be so hard on myself for having feelings about it. However irrational they may seem to everyone else. So I?m allowing myself to wallow And yes, I do hate her. And him. And every selfish, thoughtless, nasty act that they both did. And I think it will take me a long time to get over it all.
Just have to try and focus on the good, and hopefully the bad, day by day, will become a distant memory?

Ginny ? I hope the broodiness is under control? You can share ours for now!

Baffy - i am glad at last you do feel some hatred for ow - i was beginning to think you were a saint or something.
You will have to process it in due course too but you are still very much going through it - so dont for one second hate yourself for that.

I know lots of people say that you are wasting your time having these feelings but i dont actually, she DID do something to hurt you - even if at the beginning it was your h that did the running once she knew about you she could have been honest with you. She has deliberatly hurt you (she may be justifying it to herself because she is in luuve with your h - but thats bollocks).
If in any other situation someone actually wanted to cause you harm no-one would be saying 'get over it and dont waste energy on evil thoughts'. So i say - let out all that anger and just let that hate pour out - shout scream, write, punch your pillow, just do what you need to let it out. I believe that soon you will get 'tired' of letting this anger out and you will move on to a new level, but for now you just wallow and share some of your evil fantasies with us.

Also baffy hold onto the fact that no matter how many other children he had you produced the first and that your ds is the one that turned him from a man to a father - and no-one can EVER take that away from you or him.

But i do understand about the fact that she is having a girl - dosent seem fair really - especially for the poor child to be brought up by anyone with such low moral standards.

Help me - i feel a mary whitehouse moment comming.

Gas man here now so i wont need to type so much to keep warm - just off to make him a cuppa.

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I agree dior
I think it is healthy to have a bit of hatred after all we all like to see the badie get his comeupance.

Most of the time i feel nothing for the ow - just sometimes i wish i could know that has been punished - but i think in her own way she has been anyway. Just wish there was some hard evidence of it iyswim.
If there is karma no doubt it will get to her too sometime anyway.
And when that day does come i still wont feel much - but i certainly wont be thinking poor her thats for sure .

Dior - but did you feel a teensy bit pleased if she didn't lose weight during the weigh in?
HW - I know what you mean. My h went out tonight with a mate. One of the mates he pretended he was with when he was out shagging. I felt my guard go up the minute he mentioned his name, even though the poor bloke (the mate) is innocent in all of it. Anyway, I told him to go ahead. I have to learn to trust. I think I feel extra vulnerable at the moment because of my situation.
Baffy - I can understand how you feel about her having a girl but finding out the gender is just another reason to hate her iyswim. If you found out it was twins you'd hate her for that, or the baby turns out to be a genius.........etc (highly unlikely-given the gene pool . All perfectly understandable. How are you feeling? Hope work is not too hard. I do less hours than you and feel totally knackered. By ten pm I'm ready for bed. Feeling really cold in the evenings too. Don't remember feeling cold in other pgs.
Find it quite funny that all this baby talk is making other F&Gs broody.

ladylush - my h went out the other night too with someone who was his 'excuse' in the past.
I find myself plotting how i will totally kick him out if i find it is not the whole truth. I wonder if there is a part of me that would actually like to do that to prove to myself that i could do it iyswim. It is like a soap opera in my head.
I also think it is not so much about trusting him as trusting yourself to never allow yourself to put up with it again.

I know now that m h would have no excuses for doing it again (whereas in the past i do admit to not being the perfect wife), so if he do it again it would be the clearist signal that i am not enough for him.

HW thanks for those kind words

I'm going to focus on that next time it all gets too much.

LL I'm not too bad thanks for asking. I'm trying to cut down my hours (although been in since 7 again this morning!), but am hoping to start moving towards 8-6 as a standard day, and whenever possible get away at 5 when it's quiet. The tiredness really hasn't kicked in yet, but when it does I think that will force me to cut down. I also want to get into a nice routine, and get some quality time with ds, so I do really need to start putting home life first.

(Been working such daft hours as I was going for promotion to Director next summer. I know that once I get that, I'll be set for life. But looks like that one will have to be shelved for now anyway! Unless they'll promote me while giving birth! So I guess it's as good a time as any to reassess my priorities.)

More than anything I just feel quite low at the moment. Really empty. And angry. Not a good place to be really...

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Baffy - let the anger out - it has to at some stage and better now than to waste your precious life trying to 'hold it all together' only for it to come back later. I truely do believe that.
My running helped with mine - i would just run with tears in my eyes and sometimes stop and just scream and scream (i was in the middle of nowhere is i think i didnt look like too much of loon).
Find what works for you - are you able to vget some things and just smash them to pieces or something.
I know some people start cleaning like mad - but thats just not me (unfortunately sometimes).

In the very early stages i just couldnt stop swearing at everything and anyone - and i am not normally a swearing person. I think the headmaster and school chaplin may have learnt some new words from me too. But they are still talking to me now - even though i have appologised since several times.

Come on baffy find your outlet and let rip. It is ok to be angry - you dont have to always be lovely about everything you know. I read an article recently about people feeling guilty because they have wicked thoughts about people they say they love. But it is normal and if you give yourself permission to hate her and him and dont think you are in anyway 'bad' for doing that you will feel better.
Accept you feel angry - buy a vodoo doll and stick as many pins as you can fit into it - and most importantly DONT FEEL BAD about it. But do let us share it with you too.
And remember wishing someone ill is not going to make it happen (even you are not that powerful baffy you know).

Take care now thinking of you.

oh ffs I typed a long message then just as I was about to post it the pc shut down for an automatic update

Anyway........
Dior - you are a better woman than I cos I would've been ecstatic if she'd gained weight
HW - if h cheated again it would prove beyond doubt that he is not good enough for me. Then I would just need that wand I keep wanting to invent that would make me stop loving him. Simple
Baffy - glad you are cutting your hours. I can understand how sad and empty you must feel. It is hard for me as I feel so vulnerable but h is here, much harder for you doing it alone Plus pregnancy makes you hormonal anyway.
Bit sad and worried as I had some spotting today. I never seem to have unproblematic pregnancies. I feel like a drama queen

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I'm trying to be pragmatic. Nothing since when I've been to the loo.

LL - hope you are OK?

Thinking of you pregnant Teabags. Hope you are both OK.
Baffy I know how hard it is doing the whole thing alone, but you can do it, you are strong and more than capable.
Don't feel bad for hating them - you are only human and like LL says the hormones are raging too.
Dior - You are so right about one day not even caring. That's how I feel about my ex. I look at him sometimes and can't believe how much I cried for him when he left us. Now I feel nothing for him, just a connection because of the boys, but no other emotion at all.
Hope you all have a good weekend.

LL how are you? Could it be implantation bleed or something? FWIW I had spotting, and bleeding, pretty much all throughout my pregnancy with ds. Mine was due to various different reasons at different times, but he was absolutely fine. Let us know how you are.

Ginny I really hope I can get to the same place as you about H. Or should I say ex-H.

I know I can do this. I think what hurts too, thinking about it last night, that she was such a nasty evil . And I don?t mean about the affair, being loyal and honest was H?s responsibility to me and not hers.
But the times she deliberately hurt me and got in touch just because things weren?t going right for her and H and she knew if she hurt me, it would hurt him and the threats. The general nastiness, even involving ds. She never ever needed to contact me. She could have kept her distance and left the things between me and H, between us. IYSWIM!

But at every step of the way, she couldn?t wait to tell me things. The first day I ever found out about her she told me she slept with him in my bed! Just weeks later told me she was there (and the reason H didn?t call straight away) when ds had his first fit. And so the list goes on, right until telling me when she conceived this baby. I didn?t need to know any of that detail. I knew enough. All it served to do was hurt me more and more when I was already struggling to get through the days.

Now she gets to have this baby. She has some bloody rich, kind, caring bloke somehow waiting in the wings so the minute that H left, she just moved the next one in! He buys her a house, provides for her and another man?s child! Is allowing her to have time off work etc?.

And what about me?! The person who did nothing to deserve any of it. Having to work more than full time. Provide for myself. And bring up 2 children alone.
How is that right?

(Just letting off steam there! Don't expect answers!)

Anyway, I am taking your advice HW. I think my outlet is my music. As loud as possible! And I?m not even sure I wish them ill. I don?t know what I wish. I think I just want to somehow start to feel like you can?t behave that way, treat innocent human beings so horrendously, and then walk away and be happy. I feel like they should be seeing consequences to their actions. Not from me. But just because life should somehow be 'fair' and it's what they deserve. And they?re not!
(That's the real world I guess )
Back to giving it time I suppose?
Bloody ?time?!

Can I ask what may be a daft question ? when you?re measuring how many weeks you are, when do you take it from? The first day of your last period, or the day you conceived?

Yes I know Baffy - it is totally unfair. She is a piece of shit who has two men wrapped around her little finger. You are a virtuous woman who has no man but a lovely ds who lives with you and a soon-to-be sibling. It sounds as though you have a nice family too. In your shoes I would not want to trade places with that unhappy, mixed up, parasitic woman. However, like you, I would feel resentful. Also it is hard for you to move on - even more so now that you are pg.
On that note - you count your pregnancy from the first day of your last period.

Thanks LL.

And thanks for understanding me. I do wonder sometimes if I'm just totally losing the plot. Helps to know my feelings seem normal

How are you??

hi everyone, will catch up with you all this weekend - promise! I've had to take time off with another cold, feeling lousy at home, and overworked at work due to recent events.

DP really pissed me off last night too, out of the blue. He's been fine the last week or so since the computer incident, apart from occasional winges about DD being sick on the sofa so that there wasn't any space for him. Was even drinking a bit less - starting later and drinking more slowly . Then last night, after DD & I been watching Buzzcocks and had moved on to Graham Norton, he swans in and just says, oh, it's over now, and switches the TV off! . His justification was, we'd only said we were going to watch the Buzzcocks. Then he went off to the pub, came home and went straight to bed without saying another word to me. It seemed highly unfair & really very childish. I know he feels peeved when he can't chill in the front room after work, but he & I had been in there for over 2 hours chatting and playing music quite amicably, and it seemed quite reasonable that DD should have her turn & watch a bit of TV before bed.

This morning he overslept as he'd left his phone alarm downstairs and I was kind enough to notice, make him coffee and wake him, though believe me I was tempted to leave him to snore on & be late for work! In fact, I think I should have just left him to it - made him face the consequences of his stupid, childish behaviour. He did thank me for the coffee and wakeup call, but last night really rankles. What IS it with him? It upset me, upset DD, spoint the rest of our quality time together - somehow Lead Balloon didn't seem so funny when I knew my own Mr Grumpy was out there somewhere - and leaves me feeling that I have two teenagers in the house, and the stroppy one is an overgrown 54 year old, not the 16 year old!

I suppose I shall have to speak to him about it, but honestly, sometimes I just feel like telling him to either behave like an adult, sentient human being (which I still think he is, somewhere,) or shift out. Except we can't afford to separate.

And I don't really want to .

Bloody men! We've done 5 sessions of Relate & I cancelled the 6th as we agreed we'd try going it on our own for awhile, but I'm beginning to think it's got us nowhere as he talks, but has taken no real ACTION to get help!

And now I'm at work, and thinking that I don't really want to go home, because I don't want to face him without saying anything, and I don't want to say anything as he'll go all defensive and totally totally STUPID.

Sorry - needed to vent! It's just - I'm wishing more & more that we'd never decided to buy a place together. DD & I were not perfect in my old one-bed flat, but at least DP and I were happy. I feel like I'm continually walking on eggshells waiting for the next outburst, and that the lovely man I loved is fading away - and so are my positive feelings for him and for our relationship.

Oh well, the MP has finally left the building - I have no excuse now, but to go home. At least I can have a nice chat with DD and the cats.

still here! Just thought I'd catch up now that it's quiet.

LL, how are you? Are things ok now?

MacD, your DD sounds wonderful - and you are too. You both handled the meeting with dignity and I'm sure DD will know that some distance needs to be maintained with OW. Children can be very wise at 7. I had a nasty aunt whom I always knew needed to be kept at arms length

Dior, how are you doing? I would LOVE to meet some of my ex-bullies at a slimming class and find they had turned into elephants !

And Baffy, I am SOOO impressed with you . I don't know if I could cope with what you have been through with such strength. Remember, whatever OW has, your lovely DS is the eldest child, and will always be special for that, and LO 2, whatever it is, will not only be special, but have a MUCH better chance of a normal, happy upbringing than her poor LO.

Everyone else, Hi, and Ginnny, HW and anyone else who can join us (C&C?), I am happy to do a New Year visit to Ikea. I will have even less money then, but the company will more than suffice .

OK, I will now stop being a coward, and go home!

And make a wax effigy of DP out of some of our 100s of candles and stick BIG pins in it !