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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please validate my thoughts.

94 replies

MrsSnowball · 17/08/2008 12:44

Hello. Namechange for obvious reasons. If you guess who i am, please keep it under your hat.

DH and i went to the local for a few drinks. we were both getting pleasantly inhebriated, and he said " i have just cheated on you, i was walking back from the toilet and a woman grabbed me and made me dance with her, then she kissed me right there" he pointed to his neck.

He pointed to the woman who was also v. inhebriated. As the night went on DH became increasingly flirty with this woman. He even paid for a game of pool where she and he played together.

She asked me if DH was my boyfriend. I told her that he had nothing to do with me and left, with no money walking home v. drunk alone.

DH came in after 3am. a full 3 hours later.

What messages of scorn have you dear Mumsnetters ( for dh obviously)

OP posts:
OracleInaCoracle · 17/08/2008 12:46

oh shite. what has he said?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/08/2008 12:47

????

Why didn't you stop it before it got so far? I think you were probably a bit too drunk to react in the best way but yes, he was out of order, from what you say. Coming home 3 hours later is out of order, but then again he shouldn't have been expected to run after you when you flounced out!

ConstanceWearing · 17/08/2008 12:48

I don't quite know what you want us to say, sorry if I'm being thick.

Has he told you where he was?

LackaDAISYcal · 17/08/2008 12:50

oh dear

I think your DH was being a bit of an arse encouraging this and I would be interrogating him today if I were you.

You shouldn't have barged out though as you have played into this woman's hands.

Original poster
MrsSnowball · 17/08/2008 12:54

I didn't barge or make a scene, i just went out the back door. Completely didn't want him to follow me or have an argument. I couldn't just sit there. I am not the kind of person to make a scene. He was being the fool IMO, i wouldn't sit and be humiliated like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSnowball · 17/08/2008 12:58

Not much validation! i am clearly blowing this out of proportion, will make an effort with him now.

thanks

OP posts:
OracleInaCoracle · 17/08/2008 13:07

actually, i think you are right to be pissed off. what time did the pub close?

LackaDAISYcal · 17/08/2008 13:08

I think that even though you didn't make a scene, you did leave which would have made this drunken woman feel like she had "won" and your DH was probably too pissed and involved in his flirt that he might not have realised where you had gone, or esle thought you had overreacted by leaving and thought "hang you" and carried on enjoying himself.

I'm not condoning his behaviour, i think he was an arse to get flirty with her in the first place and was obviously enjoying making you feel jealous, but I think the fact that you were pissed as well made it difficult for you to react in a balanced way.

hopefully he told her to get lost and was just getting quietly drunk and being ashamed of himself.

have you talked to him about it today at all? if not I think you need to clear the air.

ConstanceWearing · 17/08/2008 13:10

no, no, Snowball, I wasn't saying you were wrong. I'm not saying he was right.

It's just that sometimes people have open marriages, or it may be that he did it to make you cause a scene and you didn't, you just walked out. He may have been trying to make you jealous?

I just didn't feel I had enough details or feelings from you to comment. Sorry.

peanutbutterkid · 17/08/2008 13:11

Very weird situation, Snowball, but of course you must ask him what he got up to in those missing hours, and what the F. was he playing at with the flirting. maybe it was fun for him to push the boundaries a bit and be a bit naughty, but it was humiliating for you (I think?).

Discussing the menu (of other women) is as far as he should push the naughtiness, nibbling at the other dishes (by groping and leading them on, etc.) really not on.

Original poster
MrsSnowball · 17/08/2008 13:11

The pub closed at 12.30 ish

He "can't remember" anything. He says that a lot when drunk.

OP posts:
collision · 17/08/2008 13:12

has he said anything today?

I think the whole situation is quite odd tbh.

I would have asked DH to leave with me asap and been angry if had played pool with her as he was obv encouraging her.

I would have been cross that he didnt follow me home and let me walk in the dark and I would be furious that he came in 3 hours later.

but I cannot validate what you are saying because I think you handled it badly.

TheHedgeWitch · 17/08/2008 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tidgypuds · 17/08/2008 13:13

I would be pretty pissed off that he didnt worry where I was or try to find me TBH.
I think you need to have a chat and ask him a few questions.

LackaDAISYcal · 17/08/2008 13:16

Or responded "he's my DH....and a bit of an arse dontcha think"

OracleInaCoracle · 17/08/2008 13:17

hmmm, i would be very pissed off indeed. most pubs kick out 1/2hr after last orders so there is obviously a missing hour (at least)has he apologised? does this hapen a lot?

Original poster
MrsSnowball · 17/08/2008 13:17

That smacks of "leave my man alone"

i think that Dh should have left this woman alone.

i can't say i would behave differently in the future. I am not about to announce that dh is my husband when he is clearly being an arse. It's all v. Jeremy Kyle. I think walking away was the best thing for my own dignity tbh.

OP posts:
ConstanceWearing · 17/08/2008 13:17

I really cannot believe he told you that some girl had snogged him. the only way my XH would have told me something like that was if he wanted his b*lls detached from his body.

Why would he say a thing like that unless he was trying to annoy you?

Original poster
MrsSnowball · 17/08/2008 13:18

Thanks all. Going to change back now.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSnowball · 17/08/2008 13:19

He said "kissed him" on the neck. I presumed at the time it was like a peck.

Really am changing back now!

OP posts:
ConstanceWearing · 17/08/2008 13:19

If this is the way you would always handle the situation, it is entirely possible that he was trying to get a reaction from you, I suppose, to demonstrate how much you care about him?

Rhonds · 17/08/2008 13:21

Don't really understand.
Why would you allow an evening to develop like this if you were clearly uncomfortable with the situation?
If you were unhapy with his and this woman's behaviour why didn't you say earlier on in the evening rather than letting it develop? I'm not saying that it's your fault as he shouldn't have been flirting if that is something that you find unacceptable in your relationship but you should have made it clear that it wasn't on.
Also I know he's an adult but why did you tell the OW that you weren't with him and leave him hammered in the company of another hammered predatory woman?

collision · 17/08/2008 13:21

but you put yourself in serious danger too MrsS by walking home drunk! something could have happened to you. I am glad it didnt but you really took a risk which you should think about.

ConstanceWearing · 17/08/2008 13:22

Oh, right. A peck. I glanced over that bit, I think.

Even so though, what he's really saying when he tells you this is "that girl over there thinks I'm desirable. I have been (he hadn't really, but he could be) unfaithful to you if he wanted to. What are you going to do about it Snowball?"

That's what his behaviour sounds like to me. Does he have low self-esteem?

ConstanceWearing · 17/08/2008 13:25

Are you terribly closed-up? Someone who has been hurt before and now won't give men the pleasure of letting them know they can hurt you (sorry, please forgive me if I'm overstepping the mark).