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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please validate my thoughts.

94 replies

MrsSnowball · 17/08/2008 12:44

Hello. Namechange for obvious reasons. If you guess who i am, please keep it under your hat.

DH and i went to the local for a few drinks. we were both getting pleasantly inhebriated, and he said " i have just cheated on you, i was walking back from the toilet and a woman grabbed me and made me dance with her, then she kissed me right there" he pointed to his neck.

He pointed to the woman who was also v. inhebriated. As the night went on DH became increasingly flirty with this woman. He even paid for a game of pool where she and he played together.

She asked me if DH was my boyfriend. I told her that he had nothing to do with me and left, with no money walking home v. drunk alone.

DH came in after 3am. a full 3 hours later.

What messages of scorn have you dear Mumsnetters ( for dh obviously)

OP posts:

loopylou6 · 17/08/2008 15:01

so, he openly flirts infront of you, then brags to you that hes cheated on you, you leave and stays out for a further 3 hours? he 'cant remember' what he was doing? well i have a pretty good idea of who what he was doing im sorry but, from what i have read in your post about his cheating comments, then his following behaviour, it sounds to me like it was on his
hope you dont think ive been to harsh.

solidgoldbrass · 17/08/2008 15:02

I do wonder if the OP and her DH are quite young, because this all sounds a bit teenage, with both of them going 'Notice me, understand what I'm thinking and feeling without me having to tell you, I want some attention, waaaaaah!' in various passive-agressive ways.
SOme couples thrive on a bit of flirting with other people now and again, some people are driven batshit by the thought of
their spouses even looking at another attractive person: for a relationship to work both parties have to have a discussion about how much exclusivity they want and what fidelity means to them@ people get into trouble when they assume that their definition of 'cheating' is the same as their partners', without actually asking.

HappypillsGalore · 17/08/2008 15:04

v good point solidgold.

Rhonds · 17/08/2008 15:05

Of course. I never said that I blamed the poster but imho you have a duty to be honest with your dh. If he is upsetting you or making you angry you should let him know.
It seems that some of this isn't about the situation in hand but about other peoples experiences which perhaps are rather worse than this.
This situation is a bit or unkind or unfeeling drunken flirting resulting in his (I hope) staggering home after a lock in.

dittany · 17/08/2008 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappypillsGalore · 17/08/2008 15:07

well i hope thats all it was.

but it'd be the beginning of the end for me.

id rather be a free agent than with someone who made me feel like shit in public.

dittany · 17/08/2008 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhonds · 17/08/2008 15:15

Dittany please show some empathy toward me then...I simply flirted with a single bloke who was sitting with his mate(?) who left us to it.....what's a girl to do?

Rhonds · 17/08/2008 15:16

Joking before you all leap on me

Original poster

MrsSnowball · 17/08/2008 19:46

I already stated that it has nothing to do with the other woman.

We are far from our teenage years and have been married decades! I am not averse to a laugh and a joke and can have quite a good SOH. This was not done in that manner.

We still haven't spoken.

OP posts:

Vian · 17/08/2008 20:32

Mrs. Snowball you need to find out what happened...and don't buy any of that "uh I don't remember because I was drunk" bullshit. I would have thrown his belongings out the window by now.

I think you acted very dignified. You shouldn't have had to announce that he is your husband. He should have done that. I would ahve been so upset that I would have done exactly what you did. And I would have castrated him by now.

anorak · 17/08/2008 20:48

Much as I thought it might be a case of his thinking it was a joke at the time, I still think he owes you an explanation as to where he has been. How drunk was he? Is it possible he really can't remember where he was?

If I lost a few hours like that I would be very ashamed and worried about my drinking.

solidgoldbrass · 17/08/2008 21:01

OK MrsS sounds like there were already problems in your relationship which this has just showed up bigtime. Have a think about what those problems are before talking to your DH, but do talk to him rather than both of you festering in silence indefinitely.

BEAUTlFUL · 17/08/2008 21:43

MrsSnowbal, I think you handled it perfectly. Much better to float away from twattish behaviour than sit there looking on, or "staking your claim", ffs.

You did fab. But what are you going to do now?

Original poster

MrsSnowball · 17/08/2008 22:51

We have had a v. serious talk. He maintains he can't remember where he was. Infedelity has never been an issue previously, this was more about the humiliation. He has promised to make some changesto the way and amount he drinks. Nothing i haven't heard before. We shall see. Thank you all for your advice and comments, it helped me enormously.

OP posts:

CoteDAzur · 18/08/2008 08:10

Send him to be tested for STDs. Including AIDS.

Original poster

MrsSnowball · 18/08/2008 08:26

that is overkill IMO. those kinds of tests stay on your medical record an could be detrimental in the future.
he was too drunk to get an erection.
he has never been unfaithful

that was never the issue for me

OP posts:

Lotstodo · 18/08/2008 08:28

I hope this doesn't think that by carrying on like this gives him a licence to take take any other female interest in him to the next level. You are right to feel humiliated and angry and I would have my suspicions about what went on between them in the three hours, especially when he had discovered you had left and was possibly a bit peeved by it and then he has this forward female who has already taken it upon herself to kiss him, well....I wouldn't have trusted him. It would take me a long time to get over this. Just when you think you know someone!

ConstanceWearing · 18/08/2008 13:58

In all honesty, I'd have been blardy furious. And DP would know before he even tried any such shit with me that I would go ballistic. But, MRsS didn't. Which made me wonder, was her husband doing it in order to get a reaction from her? Or, because he knows she doesn't react to things like this, she just walks away, does he think that he behave disrespectfully because he won't be prevented from doing so by MRs.S?

Hope I didn't piss you off, OP. I was just trying to look at the full story, to see what might have been happening. You just didn't seem incredibly angry, and most people would come on here all guns blazing saying what a git he is, and I would know to agree with you then. (Which wasn't what you were after, but it would have given me a clue ).

Men should have enough respect for their wives not to wind them up and let them walk home alone. And also to tell OW to fark off as he is married. I'd have been very very angry.

Hope you have sorted it all now.

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