another post affair thread....

[ratbunny]

dh left me for ow a couple of months ago. our marriage was not in a good state (he was incredibly selfish after ds was born, and I put up with a lot of crap, but got quite controlling in my fight for the 'family'), and tbh I was ready to leave him too, but wanted to give it a last try.

I was gutted, but sorted my head out quite quickly, and got to the point where I was moving on (albeit with blips of feeling down / angry). I honestly got to where I felt I could carry on without him.

But, now he has come to his senses. He says he regrets what he did, feels ashamed, realises how important we are, is terrified of losing us forever, and will do whatever I want to make up to me. He was crying as he told me this, and in the 14 years we have been together he has cried once. He has def finished with ow, and she has disappeared completely.

I am not sure he is what I want, and need time out, but I do know I want to be his friend. After 14 years together, I dont want to say never, but I so hurt, my trust in him is shattered, I dont know I will ever get over this. And I am not sure at the moment how much i want to try. I made plans for my future, and would still like to see some of those through.

He says he will get counselling - he does have major issues to do with his own childhood, which I think are the root of what happened. But I need him to change really - I need someone strong, responsible, reliable, which in the past couple of years (since ds) he hasnt been. He says he can change and wants to be a person that I need and want to have in my life. I dont know if people can change.

At the moment we are friends, for ds sake, adn because we still get on really well. I really care for him, and understand good people do bad things. But I want someone I am PROUD to introduce to my friends and family, and after what he put me through, I feel I would hang my head in shame.

But I keep looking at the post affair threads on here, so that tells me something. And I keep checking my phone to see if he has texted me, and I look forward to his seeing ds, so I can see him too. But how can I ensure I get what I NEED and WANT, and am not going to get hurt again?

So where do we go from here? Any advice would be welcome.

"God, we so need the input of someone on this thread who has rebuilt a marriage and is happier than ever, dont we!!"

Hi all, hope that counts as a quote on here(grin).

Its been 15 years since my hubby had the affair that almost broke me. I don't think it was his first although he wouldn't admit that. He was 40 at the time and his GF was 18. Seems like yesterday cos hurt like this never fades and I can remember every minute more clearly than I can remember what I did last week. Everyone knew at the time apart from me-although deep down I think I did know just didn't want to believe it after all we'd been through to get together. We celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary last month. Its been really hard, but I had four boys to consider at the time (the youngest was 3 at the time)I wasn't working,had no self confidence so leaving him wasn't an option. So I had to fight my corner-I won!!

midlandsmum - are you happier than you were?
how long was he with ow for?
how long did it take to rebuild the marriage?
what made your h come back?

not that I am interested at the mo, as I have taken myself out of the equation and am planning on moving back home eventually. And also went out with a very sweet guy last night.
just curious.

I think it can be done - but there has to be change on both sides.

Interesting midlandmum - that you seem to have been in the same position as me.

There is a huge urge to fight at first and when there are children you do need to consider them.

I think at first i only had him back for the sake of the children - and this did worry me as i would not have wanted him back if said he only came back for the children.

There was a day when i can say it was like a lightbulb going on when i suddenly thought - i want to spend my retirement with this man.

Planning for the future is harder now but living for now is much more exciting.

The good things that have come out of this for us is that i have more confindece in myself, i dont worry about what he thinks as much and certainly dont stop doing things just to please him. We spend more time doing things we want and spoil ourselves with breaks away just the two of us - have finally had our first holiday without the children.

It can be a better marriage but it takes time and effort from both parties.