another post affair thread....

[ratbunny]

dh left me for ow a couple of months ago. our marriage was not in a good state (he was incredibly selfish after ds was born, and I put up with a lot of crap, but got quite controlling in my fight for the 'family'), and tbh I was ready to leave him too, but wanted to give it a last try.

I was gutted, but sorted my head out quite quickly, and got to the point where I was moving on (albeit with blips of feeling down / angry). I honestly got to where I felt I could carry on without him.

But, now he has come to his senses. He says he regrets what he did, feels ashamed, realises how important we are, is terrified of losing us forever, and will do whatever I want to make up to me. He was crying as he told me this, and in the 14 years we have been together he has cried once. He has def finished with ow, and she has disappeared completely.

I am not sure he is what I want, and need time out, but I do know I want to be his friend. After 14 years together, I dont want to say never, but I so hurt, my trust in him is shattered, I dont know I will ever get over this. And I am not sure at the moment how much i want to try. I made plans for my future, and would still like to see some of those through.

He says he will get counselling - he does have major issues to do with his own childhood, which I think are the root of what happened. But I need him to change really - I need someone strong, responsible, reliable, which in the past couple of years (since ds) he hasnt been. He says he can change and wants to be a person that I need and want to have in my life. I dont know if people can change.

At the moment we are friends, for ds sake, adn because we still get on really well. I really care for him, and understand good people do bad things. But I want someone I am PROUD to introduce to my friends and family, and after what he put me through, I feel I would hang my head in shame.

But I keep looking at the post affair threads on here, so that tells me something. And I keep checking my phone to see if he has texted me, and I look forward to his seeing ds, so I can see him too. But how can I ensure I get what I NEED and WANT, and am not going to get hurt again?

So where do we go from here? Any advice would be welcome.

btw stirlingmum - that's exactly what I'm struggling with. I always said to myself that the one condition of us trying again would be that OW was completely out of our lives forever...

((((ratBunny)))))

I'm just like you want to know and see everything but then when you do you just keep going over and over it in your mind. My DH would never show me any of the emails and he has now deleted them all I know from the conversation at weekend that this was probably because they contained information which would proe that they had sex and at that time he was lying about this.

I do think that however hurtful it is to know/see these things that it is better because it will either help us to move on knowing that we have seen 'everything' and make our decison of what we want based on that rather than always wondering...

Ratbunny can I ask what made you rDH change his mind about wanting you back? How long did that take?

Oh Ratbunny, thay must be incredibly painful, to see all that written down.

You are right, time out from thinking about it sounds good and I hope you can do some things just for yourself. A treat maybe?

My h was good at deleting any messages from/to ow, but the few I saw really tore me apart. Getting a glimpse of the level of intimacy between them really removes any doubt you may have about how deep their relationship had gone.

Sorry for you maybe this can help you to see what YOU want to do

baffy - you are a very strong and amazing woman to be going through what you are. ((baffy))

I feel really sad today. I keep remembering details. Funny how I had convinced myself (with help from h) that his 'affair' was mostly one sided, that he felt bad from the start but didnt know how to stop, that he was still thinkng of me etc. But in reality, they were having a whale of a time - slagging me off, living together, great sex life, lots of shared memories. I was very naive to think otherwise. He told me he dumped her weeks ago, but frm the email it was very clear he hadnt. Where do the lies stop?

And now I am sad as ds will probably have a split family, when actually we get on well and had he not strayed we could have been happy. And I am so sad that we were trying for dc2, and now ds may never have a sibling, or if he does by another mum / dad.

I really dont think I can ever be with him again, which is awful, as we really had a future together.But I cant get over what he has done to me

Getting a glimpse of the level of intimacy between them really removes any doubt you may have about how deep their relationship had gone. - absolutely.

myheadisspinning - took 2 1/2 months for h to want to come back and to properly end contact. I told him this was his last chance and there was no going back from here, and he responded.

thanks ratbunny

I do know how seeing those things tears you apart. You go over and over it in your head and the thought of that level of closeness, and the shared memories, makes you feel physically sick.

I found a card that OW had made for my H last week when we were clearing out H's flat. Full of pictures of them and song lyrics that meant something to them with 'remember when xxx' etc. Tore me apart. Songs that H and I used to listen to as well. Even the song that we loved when ds was born. He will have lay there with her listening to them all. Sharing the moments we should have shared.

It may seem daft. But it's almost like those smaller things hurt you more than the sex. Sex can mean nothing. The intimacy of the shared moments is what's hard to bare.

I'm not sure how you learn to deal with it. But you can.

Last year, before I even knew about the affair, H took OW and ds out for the day. Ds was ill and should never have been out of the house. Let alone with OW! Anyway, ds had a fit. He got taken to hospital in an ambulance and was very poorly. OW went in the ambulance with them. H didn't ring me until OW had made plans to get home and had left the hospital.

H did everything he could to stop me finding out that she was there that day. But OW made sure that she told me, in person, that she was there and she was the one nursing my baby when he was ill.

The reason I tell you that is because, as you can imagine, that totally and utterly tore me apart. The lies from H. The fact she was there. But also, that as a mother, I wasn't there when my baby was so ill (I was at work) but she was.
But I have come to terms with it. A year later I have accepted that if I don't process the feelings, deal with it, and move on from it, then it would tear me apart for the rest of my life.

Even the most destructive awful horrendous feelings of hurt can be overcome. Whether or not that is as a couple, or alone with a new focus on your future, is completely up to you.

It will all be ok in the end though. I'm sure of it. You can't change what's happened in the past. But you can take control of things, (your life and your feelings), to make sure you have a good future.

Uc what you say really rings true to me about h wanting to try again just as i realise that i don't!. Atm i am at the stage where i still think we could try. I too believe i have invested 13 years in our relationship and take my marriage vows seriously.

H is in the forces and has been out of the country since july, he will be home for a couple of weeks in sept and then away again til xmas. I feel like i am in limbo, we are talking on the phone about the children but nothing else, i assume hes still in contact with ow but i dont think hes seeing her when hes home in sept. I am trying to use this time apart to sort myself out but feel when i next see him it will hit me like a ton of bricks again as i am so used to him being away this doesn't feel any different.

Baffy you are very strong in dealing with your situation, my big regret is h not having the snip after our 3rd baby.
Your last post horrifys me, The thought of of ow dealing with my children when they need their mummy makes me sick

ratbunny, i know what you mean about wishing you hadn't read the email, i wish i hadn't seen the text messages betwween h and ow, it makes their whole relationship "real" and when i saw he'd texted "i love you " to her it was like a phsical pain. Have you had any counselling or been to relate?

bloody hell baffy - that was awful! can't believe he would think its acceptable for ow to comfort someones child

well, I keep dwelling on things. The little things they had - like in your situation, they shared songs, including my favourite song!!dh knew this. It kind of belittles it for both sides doesnt it, if you share a song with 2 women? And the things he told her about me, how evil I was, how just last week he was slagging her off, how they 'tried' to have sex (well, according to him she tried to have sex with him, but somehow I doubt it was rape) after he told me he wanted me back. Their plans for the future. I cant get it out of my head. Even the fact I know they had oral sex - this is so much more itimate than just a shag.

I just think I underestimted their relationship, and that was why I was willing to try again. But this sets things back so far - n the scale of things to forgive, this is RIGHT at the top. I really dont know if I could bear to be with him again, knowing what he has done.

And then I think - what about ds, his little family has been torn apart. Do I owe it to him to try?
We were trying for another baby fgs. Now, I feel the biological clock tick, and I wonder if ds will ever have siblings.

It is really hard, cos I think, despite the problems we were haveing, our relationship was moving forwards. We had everything. And now in such a short space he had a full on relationship with ow. How can you go from wanting a child with someone to being personal and intimate with someone else?

Sorry I am rambling, but I need to get it out..

god, ramble away, it helps get things straight in your head.

tbh ratbunny, i know how you're feeling and it will be so hard to get through the betrayal but i think you may regret it if you don't give things another try.

Time out from him for a few days is probably a good thing just now and will give you chance to process the latest discovery.

tbh I think I feel sad becasue I know this is the end. I dont want it, I never wanted any of it. But there is only so much I can take.
I dont think I can be with someone who can treat me so badly. Not just the relationship, but the fact I really dont think he would have shown me the email except I backed him into the corner.
And he still isnt responsible or any of those traits I need in a partner.
I really think I need to draw a line under it, but I feel so sad for ds and the family he has lost.

I too have those thoughts, ds's family being torn apart, biological clock ticking and how much I would love another child.

But I think that if you can't get past what he's done, and nobody would expect you to, then you don't have much choice but to move on and start your life apart from him.

It's not worth giving it a try because you think you should. Or for ds. It sounds like you probably couldn't even bare to let him close to you now you know the things they have done.

You have to do what you feel is right deep down in your heart. And you don't need to decide right this minute, give yourself some time.

Either way, you never know what's just around the corner.

Ratbunny - I didn't realise that your h had been living with the ow! Did you know at the time?

As my h's affair happened in Budapest and he had a company flat there, the ow had actually moved in - He didn't volunteer this at first. We were talking things through one evening and I suddenly thought "Where is she at this minute?" and asked him if she was at the flat now and he said "yes".

Here's the funny bit - his explanation for her living in the flat was it was just about "logistics" - his flat was closer to the office than her flat So, not to make it easier to shag then!!

He didn't even want to kick her out because she had nowhere to go (he tried to get me to sympathise) so I flew out there and she had moved out by the time I got there!

Baffy & Ratbunny - I really sympathise about wanting siblings for your dc. Even if my marriage doesn't survive I am glad I have my 3 dc (3 is def enough!)

These h's just don't realise the repercussions of their actions. They have devastated your lives and altered the course of your dc's lives forever.

They don't care do they. Don't think about anything but themselves.

Makes it worse in my case that H chose a 20 year old girl, barely out of school FFS, who probably has all the time in the world to settle down and have a family

I actually might have to step away from this thread! It's making me question whether I'm actually doing the right thing in giving this another shot...

But you do go back and forth don't you!!

Some days I am so positive and believe that we will be ok (I think also that some days it is easier to block out details).

Then there are the sad/dark days when you think "what am I doing??" "This is never going to work"

Hi Am92, You are so right. Wouldn't it be great to have a crystal ball that could show you how your life would turn out with or without your h?

It would make it so much easier to make decisions now.

I always feel I am not in full possession of the facts. I feel I still do not know exactly what is in h's head. Whenever we discuss splitting his only worry seems to be the dc. I feel as though I am no longer part of the equation.

I know we are trying again now but I still dont know why. I deal with him as cool as possible. No longer beg, plead or demand any show of affection. Dont ask him to tell me that he loves me.

I am just waiting to see if the "old" h is still in there. The one I used to cuddle. The one that looked at me and made me feel so loved. The one I thought would be there forever.

Sorry - getting a bit sloppy and maudlin now

Yes, he was just there for a few days because he needed "space to think"!

He has been back in Budapest all this week but havent had chance to quiz him yet about ow!

Like you, I know my h still has feelings for ow. That is hard to deal with, although he has told her (again) that he wont be speaking to her again.

I am quite sure now that if they resume contacting each other once more I will ask for a separation. I cant keep putting myself through this.

AM92 - At least your h is attending relate sessions - surely that is a positive sign. My h is refusing relate but says he may consider a private counsellor.

I'm so envious of those of you whose husbands want to try again. I know it is hard working through all the shit but i really would like to at least have the choice.

I feel so worthless,helpless and out of control as h is adament he doesn't love me anymore. Some days i think, fuck you, i don't want you either then others like today i miss him so much and feel like weeping about what he's throwing away and how we will never be a family again.

I find being around happy families so hard and if any of my friends has a moan about their h i want to shake them and make them realise how lucky they are to have a husband who loves them!. Makes me realise how much i took h for granted.

am92 / stirlingmum - it sounds like the road to recovery is very difficult. well done for hanging in there, you are both obviously very stron women. and stirling - if you ever find that crystal ball, let me know!!

amber - you know, its funny, when my friend was offloading about her h, I actually found myself glad to be single. what does that say?

talked again to h. he appears to really want it to work. I just dont know if it will. I suppose I need to give him time to show he can change into a nice person again, and then I can decide whether or not I will try with him, and if I can get over it.

I cant help feeling that this is probably the end. Like I need to end a relationship with someone I still love, to protect myself. The idea of having those images in my head for the rest of any relationship is too much to bear. So, better the devil you don't?

God, we so need the input of someone on this thread who has rebuilt a marriage and is happier than ever, dont we!!

Amber - I so want to send you strength and hugs.

What are you doing for you?

Do you have any interests that get you out of the house on your own? Is your h doing his share of caring for the dc?

At the beginning of this nightmare, I must admit I stopped eating for a long time and then eventually realised that keep fit would help and it really has.

My counsellor says it is good for directing anger and getting the endorphins going, and she is right. When I am feeling really angry or low, even though I may not feel like it, I do a work out and I feel better.

And I look much better too, so win/win! Anything that boosts your confidence must be good.

Keep posting