another post affair thread....

[ratbunny]

dh left me for ow a couple of months ago. our marriage was not in a good state (he was incredibly selfish after ds was born, and I put up with a lot of crap, but got quite controlling in my fight for the 'family'), and tbh I was ready to leave him too, but wanted to give it a last try.

I was gutted, but sorted my head out quite quickly, and got to the point where I was moving on (albeit with blips of feeling down / angry). I honestly got to where I felt I could carry on without him.

But, now he has come to his senses. He says he regrets what he did, feels ashamed, realises how important we are, is terrified of losing us forever, and will do whatever I want to make up to me. He was crying as he told me this, and in the 14 years we have been together he has cried once. He has def finished with ow, and she has disappeared completely.

I am not sure he is what I want, and need time out, but I do know I want to be his friend. After 14 years together, I dont want to say never, but I so hurt, my trust in him is shattered, I dont know I will ever get over this. And I am not sure at the moment how much i want to try. I made plans for my future, and would still like to see some of those through.

He says he will get counselling - he does have major issues to do with his own childhood, which I think are the root of what happened. But I need him to change really - I need someone strong, responsible, reliable, which in the past couple of years (since ds) he hasnt been. He says he can change and wants to be a person that I need and want to have in my life. I dont know if people can change.

At the moment we are friends, for ds sake, adn because we still get on really well. I really care for him, and understand good people do bad things. But I want someone I am PROUD to introduce to my friends and family, and after what he put me through, I feel I would hang my head in shame.

But I keep looking at the post affair threads on here, so that tells me something. And I keep checking my phone to see if he has texted me, and I look forward to his seeing ds, so I can see him too. But how can I ensure I get what I NEED and WANT, and am not going to get hurt again?

So where do we go from here? Any advice would be welcome.

Happywoman - how long did it take for your DH to 'come to his senses'? How do you know how long to give them? You are so strong I really admire your ability to cope. I feel as though I'm falling apart and not really moving forward at all at the moment

It was complicated in that the affair went on for a while without me knowing - but i did get my susspisions for a while too. once i found out for sure - he first said he would stay and then left and then wanted to come back and finally said he would leave (this all took about 3 months of hell). He left end of dec and i saw a solicitor early jan - he was begging me by the 11th jan and as i was in the process of moving anyway we worked on it for another couple of weeks and then decided to start afresh from the move at the end of jan.
I think had i not been moving and in effect start to cut him out of my life he could easily have dithered for months.

We are all different and the fact that my h had agreed to take a month of work in jan (which i think was to 'sort out' the divorce) meant that we had a lot of time to sort lots of things out that otherwise could have taken months if not years. He was then also allowed to take a further 4 months of work. Which showed me how serious he was and also put some distance between him and ow.
He hates working with her now and so is in the process of changing jobs too and starts a new one in jan.

There is no timescale but i do believe you need to get to the place where you are prepard to go it alone in order to know you can and for him to see you are serious and will not allow him to treat you like this any more.

I have a friend where he did not return and is only now 'begging' to come home (but she has a new rich man in her life and no longer even wants her h - and unfortunately he has just been made redundant (shame!))

I do think you need to set yourself some limits - not just time but what you now expect from a partner and if he does not match up then for your own repect you need to end it.
Once my h wanted to come back - as well as the intial understandable mistrust i also put in some 'rules' to protect myself and help me stay strong.

There have been some slipups - where he forgot to tell me about contact but generally he has stepped up to the mark in all areas. If he had not i would have had no choice but to continue with divorce. I still get strengh from this and my h makes me feel worth it everyday now (well almost).

sorry also meant to say - i look back now and think i was too soft and will wonder if i had done it differently would it have turned out differently? We never will know and i know my h often wonders how he would have reacted if i had been harder earlier.

Dont worry that you may get it wrong and try and forgive yourselves if you do - there are no rules and you are only doing what you think is for the best.

so how were you soft hw? by letting him get away with it so long? then though by going through divorce proceedings?
its always a gamble, cos sometimes I think that when I start divorce (which I will do as soon as the house is in my name) it will make him think oh whats the point in trying
bt I suppose that will prove to me that he is not worth waiting for...

I think i was soft in that when he first said it was over i tried really hard not to be too needy and really i should have absolutly insisted that there be no contact (even though they worked together i wish now i had insisted that one of them leaves). I did also find her number on his phone under another name - i wish now that i had got all the info and not let him string me along.
I felt stronger when i saw the divorce lawyer as i got a better feel about what my life could be like without him.
I know i could have made both their lives a lot more uncomfortable at work (but felt i had some loyalty there - which they have now proved was not true, so i regret not having my say at the time).
At first he was ok with me going ahead with divorce and it was really only when he took the time to find out what he actually wanted (as he no longer could have what he really wanted - both of us hanging on for him).
The other thing i wish i had insisted on was that he make it perfectly clear to ow how he felt - he whimped out and just let it drift and i suspect she gets some comfort out ot the fact that she can believe he only came back for the children and not me - he had said something similar in an email.

The only way i can live with this is that actions do speak louder than words and i have no doubt that the children did have some pull - as they did for me wanted to make it work. But we both know that it cannot work just for that reason and have both put a lot of work into it. I would still love to meet ow sometime and show her he is back for me not just the children. but that is just me wanting a bit revenge.

probably at first i did think more about how the children would be effected and so had him back for their sakes.

It was some months later when i really felt - this is the man i WANT to spend my life with and grow old with.

It is still tough at times but i try and keep those possitive thoughts in my head and not let those few months of stupidity ruin the future. I cannot change the past - he will always have treated me badly but i still want to have him my life.

Happywoman - you've posted some exteremly helpful things both on here nad my own thread.

I am doing what feels right to me (with a dose of common sense) and take strength from the things you say and did in your situation.

It's interesting that you say that you feel you were too soft with DH re the work situation and wish maybe you had made their lives more uncomfortable at work. What would you have done differently if you had the chance?

I'm trying to take the higher moral ground and have currently only told people on my side of the family, my friends etc. DH (along with MIL and FIL) are keeping everything hush hush - all his family know is that we are 'having problems' and work know nothing - of course apart from the OW.

I'm so tempted to email his work colleagues and let them know exactly what is going on -I know them all - only a small office etc. And to put his family straight.

The reason I want to do this is because i feel his family are making out that I am some kind of nasty person who deserves this/it's a two way thing. Don't get me wrong I know I am not perfect and relationships need two people to make them work BUT I did not deserve to be cheated on or treated the way he has treated me. I feel I may be missing an opportunity to 'put them straight' but at the same time I think that if I do say something to them I will be painted as the vindictive nasty wife set on revenge. Which I'm not just hate that I'm being portrayed badly and he is seemingly getting off lightly because no-one knows what he has been doing.

For now I am going to continue with not 'telling tales' however I am not going to lie so if his family/friends ask me anything I will not lie. That way I feel that I am being honest but not vindictive.

I understand wanting to have a dig at the ow (god knows I have tried!) but I haven't wanted everyone else to know.

Funnily enough, more of h's family know about the affair than my side. And, h has constantly pushed me to tell my family because he wanted me to get support, but I wouldn't. I was worried that his reasons for wanting everyone to know was that then he felt he could leave and I would have support.

I also thought that it would be easier to carry on our normal life, post affair, if fewer people knew.

Early on I have a strong urge to tell h's boss that he had moved this tart into the company flat, but that would have backfired on me if h had been sacked!

I have decided I cannot do this anymore.
So, I am out, until h

1. cuts contact with ow and is willing to prove it by showing me all contact she has made with him and
2. h shows he cares for me by getting his family to cut contact with her too (a long story, but they didnt know her before, she doesnt live near them, and they are all her friends online now)

I am filing for divorce. Just ordered the pack from the court.

I dont want this, but I have to and feel stronger for it.

Oh RB, I understand there comes a point where you must take control. Your h needs to see how serious you are about this.

But, this doesn't have to be the end. This may be the kick up the arse your h needs. HW said that her h only came to his senses once he thought he might be losing her.

Wont hurt to empower yourself. You will probably feel stronger now you are in control

Did one thing trigger this or has this been caused by a build up of things?

((((((((ratbunny))))))))

RB - i am glad you do feel a bit stronger by taking control - as horrid as it is and as much as this is not what you want you do have to do what is best for you now.

Interesting about not wanting others to know about the affair - there was little choice fro us really once he left - although his family i am sure still think i 'drove' him to do it.
I did feel shame but i think the fact that people do know is in some way a safty net for me too - what a fool i would be if he ever stepped out of line again. Also i think it helps to make it real and h cringes when he thinks about it now. He is not treated any differently but we both feel that there are more people looking out for us as a couple iyswim.

wrt to his work - i think most people did know what was going on so i did not have spell it out to them - but most would rather turn a blind eye to it than confront anyone. I think this is strange as it is ok to have thoughts and opinions on other subjects . I just wish i could have somehow gone in and punched her on the nose - a real eastenders moment that people would still talk about as a 'highlight' of the year, but then again maybe i am living in cloud cuckoo land and i would have ended up hurt and arrested. It is a large company and i do know the bosses were keen that i did not make a fuss as there were some pretty big things going on at the time too. i am sure i would not have made a huge difference but i still wonder.
I did worry that it would make work hard for h and after all he was going to have be my meal ticket for a while (as the solicitor put it - and it would look better to still be the supportive wife for as long as possible).

I do also believe that gettting the divorce started is by no means the end - it can take an awfully long time and be halted at any point.
Remember the old relationship you had is already lost forever and you need to find a way forward with a new one and if that means you feeling more in control so be it.

Good luck.

thanks everyone

it was a buildup of things really. since last week, I know he has been contacting her - I told him if he did it again then I am out. his family are right up her arse too - if he really wanted to sort things out with me he would realise this wold jepordise things, but he doesnt think it is an issue (I cant tell them what to do, he says).

I need to get off the rollercoaster, and the only way of doing that is to tell him I am out. I imagine he is still seeing her - even if not, he is not telling her to butt out, so that isnt enough.

And he says I am not affectionate enough to him. Well, what can I say really. Honestly, is there ANYONE out there who thinks I should be cuddling / kissing / stroking him while he has ow on the go?! Really?

So I need the control back. I need to be the one who ends it, so I can get back on my feet. While I am waiting for him I am only getting depressed and losing grip on the life I WAS leading before he came back.

And of course Divorce doesnt have to be the end. I realise it takes time, and if he DOES do those things I ask of him then I WILL be open to getting bak together. I still love him.

But, right now, I love myself more.

So, back to the empowerment records, and flirting and dating and plans of moving away and taking up new hobbies etc.

I KNOW I have done everything I could to keep the family together. But he is too weak and emotionally crippled to see what he has to do, and that I am not being unreasonable. But I really cant take anymore of it.

And I take comfort in the fact that in all likelihood a relationship based on his need for her to comfort him, look after him, and tell him his value is pretty much doomed.

I on the other hand am gonna KICK ASS in my new life!

Ratbunny - you sound so much more positive than you did earlier! Keep your chin up! you are being so strong. I haven't got the guts to do what you are doing at the moment but I am getting there

Hope you stay strong RB - You sound in a better place at the moment. Taking control does make you feel better about the situation. You dont feel you are waiting for someone else to decide what you can do with your life.

Maybe getting away next week will help too.

Take Care x

well done RB.
I suspect you will still have some of this thrown back in your fact though so be prepared and stay strong.

You dont have to lower yourself to his level if he starts to shout and rant.

You could always ask him calmly what he would like you to do and when he says be more affectionate - give him one thing to do. Say he needs to make you feel like the one and only. Get her completly out of his life.
If says what more proof do you need -say a confrotation with you all.

Try and call his bluff on every issue he will have with this.
Of course if he justs accepts it - you will have your answer too.

Thinking of you.

I have had a couple of hard days recently, but I know now that I need to cut him out of my life as much as I can.
He is playing with my mind. I still love him, and I am letting him continue to hurt me.
So I need to have him just pick up and drop off ds. No conversation.
I need to put up barriers so I can regain my strength.
we talked after the counselling lastnight, and he still blames me - if I had been more appreciative and affectionate, he would not have looked elsewhere. Well, I am not having that thrown at me anymore.
He will not change.
I will never be happy with him.

I need to cut as many ties as possible, whilst still being able to communicate about ds to him.

It is NOT going to be easy. But I have done it once, and I can do it again.

Keep strong Ratbunny x you are sounding much more positive. I am trying to do the same - not going down the divorce route just yet but puttingup those barrieres as a means of self preservation.

I have had a good chat with my friend, and my mum.
I know I am doing the right thing.
tbh when I look back at our relationship, I think it was emotionally abusive, but hving been in it for so long I couldnt see it.
everything was someone elses fault - h crashed his car, but it was my fault cos I asked him to move it. my stepdad fixed our leaky pipe, and it was his fault when it broke again. and of course it was my fault when he ran off with someone else. and my fault I make him feel guilty. and my fault his relationship with ds is suffering. and my fault he has no holidays at work left, cos he took them all when we were selling our house (dont most people have to do this?).
mum was telling me that when she babysat when I went to work, that as soon as they came through the door h would hand over ds, not dressed, nappy not changed, not fed, and bugger off upstairs to his computer. on the occasions he came home early, he was too busy to look after ds instead of them. I usedto ebe embarrassed about having people over beacuse of the way he was, and because I used to do housework strikes cos he did NOTHING to help me. oh, but apparently he did, I just didnt appreciate it. funny how I have loads of mnet posts about him not pulling his weight...
I am now concentrating on his faults, so i can get over him. I dont think it was HIM I loved, but the dream of being a family.
why did I put up with it for so long?

I really dont need him. what made me think I did?

Thats the spirit - once you really do realise you not need him, you will see things a lot clearer.

If you want to be really curel pile the guilt onto him and say that you are finally 'letting' him have the life you cannot give him - say how sorry and sad you are that you do not make him happy and wish him well to find someone who will make him happy .

And if the miricle you have been hoping for finally does happen - he shapes up and becomes the man you need and deserve - then you can always change your mind then.

Good luck anyway - i am sure it will be tough but you sound so much stronger now and that can only be a good thing.

unfortunately he will beleive that hw.
if I want to pile on the guilt I will say - oh, I cannot cope without you, I love you etc etc

funny last night I was telling him how I had fought for the marriage - read books, looked online for help, arranged counselling, really tried, while all the time he was msning her.
he stormed out saying 'yes, I am such a cunt' (in a blaming me for makng him feel like that way)

at last he spoke the truth. ironic isnt it!

But thats because he has to throw it all back at you to justify it to himself.

If you really the 'evil' one why would he want to make a go of it anyway??