Should I be cross if DH went to lap dancing club?

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...and spent £60 on private dances (we aren't poor and he doesn't spend money on much that is frivolous).

Other people seem to think I should be cross but I can't see it. Am I being a mug? Is it a sign of disrespect?

He got a bit of female attention outside the marriage. He was consenting. They were consenting. I knew he was going there. There doesn't seem like there is a risk of him forming a relationship with the women but if a woman behaved that way with him in a regular nightclub that seems more of a threat to me.

He came home horny as hell and seemed like he had a good break from the stress of his job.

"i cant imagine a man who's been brought up to respect women and see them as equal visiting a lap-dancing club"

"these women have to pretend they are cool with it in case they get called prudes or lose their hubby because the partnership is based on him doing what he wants and her going along with it in order to keep him."

This is crap. Some of us genuinely do not mind. If I did mind, believe me my husband would not be going!

If you're secure in your relationship and don't mind, then what is the problem? It's harmless escapism, and the girls I have met who work in these places are no victims.

Dittany: no response to old lady's post about why it's so wrong to pay for sex or sell it when the exchange of cash for all those other services is presumably OK? Thought not.
People have sex for many reasons other than pure lustful arousal. These reason include: wanting to keep a partner happy and stop him/her thinking about having sex with other people (even when it would be fairer to all concerned for the partner who doesn't much like or want sex to stop insisting on sexual exclusivity)
Fear of a partner's temper if sex is refused
Boredom
A wish to get back at someone else who has spurned you (generic 'you' of course)
Wanting a favour off someone, their support for a cause or their goodwill
To prove a point
A desperate need not to be alone

Are all of these really so much more ethical than a straightforward business transaction between consenting adults?

Dittany you are making an assumption that I don't mind my partner going to lap dancing places because I am downtrodden and have an unequal balance of power in my relationship.

Making assumptions about the relationship of someone you have never met does not add any weight to your arguments.

Good to see dittany and jellybeans agreeing with me

'Pinktulips... he had so much respect for a profession that you no longer practice in? Why not? Such an admirable occupation one wonders why you gave up'

unlike the women on jerry springer and other american chatshows you're confusing me with i don't think dancing with a pregnant belly is very attractive so gave up to have kids. if i had kept my figure i would have gone back to it but alas i wasn't that lucky

'Your self esteem had a price too, the money lead you to believe that stripping was better than bar work. You worked somewhere that found it acceptable that you were groped?? I wonder if this would have been the case if it was not attached to a lap dancing bar?'

i worked in over 10 pubs and clubs in the same city and was molested and groped by customers in every single one of them, the bar attached to the club was actually the one where it happened least and i got paid more to work there than the other pubs. it was often the owners and managers themselves who thought that having an attractive bargirl meant it was ok to slap her on the ass and make disgusting comments. if we complained about customers grabbing us we were told to 'deal with it the bouncers can't leave the doors'

'I have met many slappers women from Spearmint Rhino and yet to find one that could make a fortune with her brain but chose a sexual path, mmm funny that'

twelvelegs, i have an iq of over 150 and studied marketing in college. i made the choice i did using my brain to work out that seeing as i have no body issues, why not earn money showing off the body i was proud of?

'Just for a laugh then tell him no the next time niceychops and that you've changed your mind and you don't like him doing it after all. See what sort of reaction you get'

dittany, why presume another woman's relationship is like that simply because she is more comfortable with sexual expression than you obviously are? maybe your husband is the sort to blow a fuse if asked not to do something he wants to do but not everyone is in a relationship like that. you've freely admited you'd rather your husband lied to you than told you he'd gone to a lap dancing club yet you seem to be under the impression that there's no way he'd go to one.... maybe he just knows you well enough to lie when he goes to one on a works do?

pinktulips-if you are so comfortable with doing the job you did and enjoyed it so much then why are you so annoyed at me calling lap dancing clubs brothels?i know you no longer do that job so why would i be calling you a prositute?

i post on these threads because i am against the objectification of women in our society.if men were treated as sex objects in the same way then i would have no problem with it-at least things would be equal.

and maybe some of those defending lap-dancing clubs as 'harmless fun' should read some of the threads on this site from women who've been victims of rape and/or domestic abuse,as these are the things which occur in a society where women are seen as men's property or playthings rather than human beings who deserve respect.

because a prostitute allows a man to fuck her for money divastrop.

and if you realy can't see the differance between that and dancing without a top on then you're clearly too dim to understand any of what i've been saying

men are treated as sex objects in our society, look at movie stars who are only famous for their looks, or boy bands who can't sing but look good.

give up pt, i have, we are clearly too dim and too traumatised by the job we have done to know what went on in said job and how we felt about it better than dittany and divastrop do

I'm sure I remember reading that the incidence of sex crimes is higher in the area surrounding lapdancing clubs. I believe the article also mentioned sending men out into the night fuelled by alcohol and a hard on. I'm not sure what to make of that though.

I've been and it's nowt to shout about.

If you're cool then all is fine. It's when they do it secretly...

In fact, GREAT that you both can share this stuff. Don't people who've been cheated on always feel it is the deceit that is hardest to deal with??

jodie, i don't have any proof of this but my personal opinion is that those areas were the shady areas before the clubs ever got there because when they try and set up in better areas the locals go apeshit down at the planning offices. the only places they can set up tend to be a bit dodgy. like i said, i'm only basing that on the clubs i worked for and how hard they found it setting up in new areas and i don't know the crime statistics for those areas before and after so i could be wrong.

seashells..... you're right, i'm not sure why i'm still argueing woth women who think they're doing less to repress women with their 1950's ideals than modern, confidant women are by not being afraid of their sexuality.

for what it's worth, i'm dutch. in holland everyone from teenagers to old women goes topless on the beach, lots wear less. i grew up being unashamed and uninhibited by the human form in all it's many shapes and sizes.

nudity isn't sexual intercourse to me like it seems to be to some here nudity is simply a person being confidant and proud of their body in all it's glory, whether that be a wrinkly oma on the beach or a dancer in a club.

If your IQ is really over 150 why did you work in so many bars?
I have met slappers from Spearmint Rhino as I worked with many vile men in a high pressured, high earning job (near Spearmint Rhino) and they chose to spend their money down the road. I wouldn't cast all with the same loose morals but it is difficult to have respect for women who, on the whole, seem to think because you don't take your clothes off and show legs and cleavage that you feel you're not sexy or beautiful enough.
Pink Tulips, as a British woman I do find the link between sexual identity being brandished about like a commodity and self esteem a very close one. As much as I enjoy male attention and being told I'm attractive I find being gawped at and groped for my breasts and body very humiliating and disrespectful. Sexual crime would not be relevant if it were high before the arrival of a lap dancing club now would it? It rises significantly when a lap dancing establishment opens.
If you have been groped in every bar you've ever worked in I would suggest you give off a different vibe to me. It happened a very few times in my whole bar working life (four years at university) and once at work. In all instances my response was such that it never happened again. I would suggest that you encouraged such behaviour.

PT, BTW I can't think why you would choose to work in the evenings earning less than I did working during the day?

I have read that study about the areas around lapdancing clubs having a significantly greater incidence of sexual violence. Either rapists are drawn to lapdancing clubs or lapdancing clubs make men more likely to consider rape. Either of these is unacceptable. So I would not support such a club by either going to it or approving other peoples attendance.

My other gripe (as I realised the other night watching that WI brother program on the telly) is that lapdancing clubs are mainly (like brothels) owned by men. I am much happier if sex esstablishments are owned and run by the workers.

PT you are very concerned about the distinction between lapdancers and prostitutes. I am quite prepared to believe that there are women who enjoy either or both professions and men who enjoy taking them up on it. I am happy for them to do this if both parties are making a free choice.

However I am in a marriage where one of the promises we made to each other was to be sexually monogamous. So neither of us is allowed to get our sexual kicks from other people. Lapdancing would fall into this area for me. Luckily dh feels the same way. As he says "Why would I want to sniff someone elses bacon sandwich when I can get the full english at home?" (he is so romantic).

Pigleto: I would be interested to know more about such a study as well ie: is it just crimes of a sex related nature which increase or is there a similar increase in muggings etc, which would suggest that the reason for the increase is simply more people visiting the area(so the statistical likelihood of more criminals).

There were also some studies done (I have been trying to find the link on line as I only have mention of it in textbooks) to suggest that the arrival of a fundamentalist church in an area can coincide with a marked increase in sexual assault and domestic violence.

PT-boy bands and hollywood actors are not being sexualised.yes,they have to look good but its not so people will want to have sex with them,or be sexually aroused by them.

if you cant see the connection between being paid to waggle yout tits in a mans face to give him sexual kicks and being paid to have sex with a man then i suggest you are the dim one

and fwiw i am not sexually repressed,neither do i aspire to being a 1950's housewife.i just know first-hand the damage caused by the woman-hating in our society.

Is it the Lilith Report to which you refer? It points out that "Comparing the rape and indecent assault figures for 1999, before the establishment of Spearmint Rhino and Secrets Holborn, Finchley Road and Euston, and 2002, since 1999 rape of women in Camden has increased by 50%".

However, a chappy here gives further information:

In 1999, with 2 clubs, there were 46 rapes.

In 2000, with 4 clubs, there were 83.

In 2001, with 5 clubs, there were 79.

In 2002, with 6 clubs, there were 69 rapes.

So yes, a 50% increase between 1999 and 2002. Shocking.

However, the following year, still with 6 clubs, there were only 47 rapes. Almost the same number as in 1999, prior to all these nasty places opening. In 2004, there were 51 rapes with 5 clubs operating, and in 2005 there were a further 72.

So you can make these numbers say anything.

Government reports cite that Lapdancing normalises the exchange of money for sexual arousal and this has fuelled an 'increased demand for the purchase of sex' while encouraging 'factors driving human trafficking flows'. The link between human trafficking and ncrease in sexual crime cannot be denied.

i have been to many lapdancing clubs in my time,i have never raped anyone tho.

Are you married/ been married fatbob ?

< nosy emoticon >

not married but alway lived with various partners for long periods of time in my years here on earth. ( im not from space )

'If your IQ is really over 150 why did you work in so many bars?'

because i was a teenager. i was 18 when i started dancing and had been doing bar work and waitressing for 2 years. right before starting to dance i was working 3 jobs, a waitressing job 5/6 days a weeks, a bar job in one pub 3/4 nights a weeks and every other night of the weeks in the strip club bar. i earned less in a week than the dancers were earning in one night and i had 1 or 2 half days off a week.

i was exhausted and still barely paying the rent each month.

the reason i'm still here argueing despite the fact that i'm clearly wasting my time is that it annoys me that while i could care less what other people enjoy/don't enjoy or how their relationships work, the anti lap dancers on this thread seem determined to force their views on everyone else.

how very dare the op not be annoyed about something her husband did

how very dare lap dancers lure men into clubs making them all horny and sendng them out on the streets to rape and pillage society

how very dare i not admit i'm slightly retarded and ugly really and i spent my nights giving hand jobs to sexual deviants

how very dare anyone not agree with your world view

i could care less if you approve of lap dancing clubs or whether your husband frequents them. if you want to believe they're destroying society as we know it then fine, that's your perogotive.

but you've come on here namecalling any woman who dances and making fairly nasty comments just because we won't admit that what we did is wrong.

i don't feel it was, i'm happy with my choice to dance (and believe me there are many of my life choices i'm not proud of) and i never worked anywhere that offered more than it should have. i avoided the creepy old men (and every dancer has the right to refuse any customer at all) and spent my nights entertaining the lads in on stag does, the groups of guys out for a laugh and the women who were curious to see what it was all about.

i never once felt victimised or in danger and it is irritating me that you keep insiisting that clearly i'm too stupid to know i was and i'm simply in denial about how sleazy and dirty i really feel.

now, i'm going to join the very sensible seashells and leave this thread to disappear off the bottom of my threads i'm on

Awesome post PT, my ex worked in a club also she was not stupid, she got paid very well for what she did and it's helped her move forward with what she wanted to do. at no point did she ever feel in danger or like she was being exploited.