Should I be cross if DH went to lap dancing club?

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...and spent £60 on private dances (we aren't poor and he doesn't spend money on much that is frivolous).

Other people seem to think I should be cross but I can't see it. Am I being a mug? Is it a sign of disrespect?

He got a bit of female attention outside the marriage. He was consenting. They were consenting. I knew he was going there. There doesn't seem like there is a risk of him forming a relationship with the women but if a woman behaved that way with him in a regular nightclub that seems more of a threat to me.

He came home horny as hell and seemed like he had a good break from the stress of his job.

Diva, Hope the bastard/s who hurt you rot in hell x

!i have carried out a study over 22 years since i the age of 10, and i can confirm in my case this is true"

Small scale qualitative survey per chance, bob?

for sure

and i hope to have a few more years at it....

Dittany: sex workers do actually make a distinction between sex with a partner/friend, sex with a client that they do not feel much desire for but do not mind having sex with, and actual sexual assault (client who deliberately hurts them or tries to do things which were not agreed previously).
And when people who are not sex workers have sex, one person may be keener than the other. One person may agree to sex because he/she is bored, wants to keep the other person happy (in a genuine affectionate way, not for fear of unpleasantness), or to prove a point, or in the hope that the other person will want to start or maintain a longterm relationship. Or indeed a woman may have sex she doesn't much enjoy because she wants a baby. (This is not intended to imply that women offer sex to entrap men into parenthood or any other such sexist rubbish, more that sometimes TTC sex can become something of a chore.)

just to make things clear Liz, I meant that what goes on between 2 people may indirectly cause harm to others, for example if one of the individuals is already involved with another.

Sgb - Do you think that because a woman's body is the one that is physically entered during hetereo sex that affects the mindset?

Plus you have your strong opinions and I have mine, like all industries prostitution affects individuals not directly connected to it such as the wife of a male user who ended up getting hepatitis. I will accept that could happen outside the sex industry but STDs still exist and condoms whilst crucial for protection are not perfect.

Beanie - can't answer for oh, can only speculate that some men don't want to go to a lapdancing club - say on a stag do ( such as the groom) but end up there because of alcohol and peer pressure and have a dance because it is paid for. They might still grope if they are under the influence.

And no I don't think all men who go to lap dancing clubs are rapists. They may be inadvertantly condoning certain male attitudes towards women though and like in any legal industry prone to addiction the more widely available something becomes the more people can access it and the numbers of problems associated with it increases too.

Eg availability of alcohol,porn,betting,fast food.

Thanks to those who have discussed calmly and time to bow out.

"It's possible to have meaningless sex as long as respect is on the table but what with the double standard a man can still quite easily decide that the woman he has had sex with is a sl*t whilst he's a stud who can boast about it to all his friends. It's a disgusting state of affairs."

Yep. Again, the imbalance.

Slightly off topic: You know what - for many many years I had a real problem with one night stands. I have never had one. I had (female) friends who did and in almost every case the one night stands made them unhappy. My male friends on the other hand didn't seem to suffer emotionally at all. As I have become less judgemental about people who do have one night stands, even though I still think they in themain are different for women. Personally I don't think it's healthy for women to have no-strings sex but maybe thats because I know I could never do it.

Perhaps I AM excusing men for their so called 'maleness' in thinking it's much more acceptable or normal for men to have one night stands, goto lap dancing clubs, use prostitutes.

Ultimately I think I believe people can do what they want (within reason) so long as they are not hurting other people.

I mean as I have got older...I have become less judgemental..

well beanieb that is one of the reason i dont mind prostitution. its not right to deny males the chance to have sex because most females dont like no strings sex but i dont like one night stands ither because i believe some one always gets their feeling hurt. with the exemption of the unfortunate few who are forced into prostitution then no one gets hurt when a man visits a prostitute and every one knows where they stand and there is no expectations of phone calls or relationships.

I haven't ever had many ONSs either - although I have to say those I have had were initiated by the woman. They were okay, I guess. Nowhere near as good as that kind of golden bit when you're a month or two into things though. So just on those grounds alone they were dissatisfying. I think the other party felt pretty much the same, too.

At any rate, I too think people can do what they want as long as they don't fuck it up for someone else. However, one of the thorniest questions on this thread is whether women lap dancers help to fuck it up for other women by meeting the supply side of the male libidinal demand thing. Which thus perpetuates if not exacerbates gendered prejudices and inequalities. Of course, first and foremost it's the men who visit them in the guise of libidnal dupes for the most part who're perpetuating it.

When I say 'no one gets hurt' I also mean that lap-dancing and prostitution are fine but only if you are doing these things either when not in a relationship with someone (Unless you have an open one) or with your partner's consent or knowledge.

ie. Lapdancing - personally I have no problem if it's infrequent but I would not want to be with someone who treated it like going to the pub.

I suppose the whole point of this thread was to highlight how some women don't mind it when their husbands do go to lapdancing clubs while for other women it would be grounds for divorce! The reasons for this are not always the same. Could be that some women find it an emotional and sexual betrayal while others view it as exploitation and part of a wider problem in society.

Yes! And I'm sure some see it as both!

Having posted on similar threads about this I've managed to refrain from doing so far, but watched with interest. Not least, as a guy, it avoids being dragged into any name-calling.

What is interesting reading the thread and the comments is that it is absolutely clear that these threads will never be resolved. Principally, I think because those who are anti lap dancing will never acknowledge it as being anything other than utterly abhorrent and anyone speaking in favour of it cannot be "right thinking" and should therefore be ignored, i.e:

• all the guys who have been/ would go are "scumbags" or "perverts" and therefore their opinion is worthless and should be disregarded.

• all those women who would allow their DHs to go either "repressed" and/or dominated by their partners into doing so or don't know just how perverted their partners are and therefore their opinion is worthless and should be disregarded.

• all those women who have been dancers are either "in denial" or too "stupid" to understand the industry they worked in and therefore their opinion is worthless and should be disregarded.

It reminds me a little of conspiracy theorists... their argument will always be inherently true to them because anyone who speaks against them is part of the conspiracy and should be ignored on those grounds. The only voices they hear are those echoing in their own heads.

well said cestlavie. i have no problem with people saying they disagree with what lapdancing represents but i think it is a bit strange that some posters on here are trying to insinuate that they know hwo i feel re my previous job better than i do or that AN must be repressed and comtrolled by her man just because she has no objections to her man visiting a lapdancing club.

every one is entitled to thier own opinions on things and just because some one elses opinion does not fit with yours does not mean that person is wrong or does not understand they just see things differently to you.

afterall the world would be a very boring place if we all thought/felt the same way

Great post cestlavie

Hurrah for Cestlavie. Agree absolutley.

Sorry showing my own addictions to interesting debates by posting again!

Reread thread and it has uncovered good points on both sides,however some conclusions-

Op said OH came home horny as hell, so therefore some arousal did take place. (If some men do become aroused and go home horny as hell what happens if OH not interested - very frustrating surely?)

Some men do break the rules re touching and the reasons why have been speculated although only those men who touch can explain actions.

Some dancers have agreed there is a sexual aspect to dancing.

People are divided over whether money is acceptable as a reason for consent.

In spite of everything stereotyping is alive and well - controlled by what exactly?

Most men do not have to deal with oh's going to male lapdancing clubs because of lack of availability. I suspect most men would not like oh's to be 'entertained' by a naked man rubbing his crotch over their genitalia either.

Debate will run and run and I for one am pleased about that if it makes people think more and be open to having opinions challenged. And like it or not what is happening out there does have an effect on every single one of us in some way.

intresting bit in the news today about the number of clubs around being opened.

i would agree with the fact we dont need them all over the shop. we have two in the city i live now, and the new one has only been here a year or so, the other has been there fo about 10 years maybe?

news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Politics/Lap-Dancing-Clubs-Object-And-The-Fawcett-Society -Write-To-The-Times-Calling-For-Tougher-Laws/Article/200808315078959?lpos=Politics4&lid=ARTICLE150 78959_Lap%2BDancing%2BClubs%253A%2BObject%2BAnd%2BThe%2BFawcett%2BSociety%2BWrite%2BTo%2BThe%2BTimes %2BCalling%2BFor%2BTougher%2BLaws

the comments are funny

Fatbob great post - lol sky comments: I am now obviously a lesbian cat lover!!

...aaaaaaand thank you dittany for so eloquently supporting my argument!

Just clarify any misunderstanding about my previous posts. At no point have I said it's a 'good idea' for men to have no strings sex. I have no idea if it's a good idea or not, I am not one. As I said, Perhaps I AM excusing men for their so called 'maleness' in thinking it's much more acceptable or normal for men to have one night stands.

Maybe it is actually my attitude, that it's less healthy for women to have one night stands, that should change; indeed has changed over the years. Maybe to stop the so called double standard I should be less judgemental of the women who want to have casual and even paid for sex.

Beanie interesting point. What is it to be a male? What is it to be a female? Are we so very different?

Culture demands that we are different. Influences dictate from all sides because they want the best outcome for themselves.

Biologically only women become pregnant and give birth. I think there is still room for improvement when 'to mother' means to look after, protect and nurture a child and 'to father' still means just to procreate. That does not seem very fair to me.

"Do you find the thought of going to your town's red light district and waiting for the next punter arousing because that's the reality I'm talking about? Fantasy and reality are two different things."

But there are many other ways to prostitute oneself that don't involve hanging round red light districts. The "being approached in a posh hotel bar by gorgeous 'stranger'" fantasy would be fun.

But seriously, not all prostitution in Britain is street-based - I'd guess that with "massage parlours/saunas", escort agencies and various other types of brothels, along with self-employed ladies (yes, there are Happy Hookers who voluntarily choose to do this work and who enjoy it) it's a fairly small sector of the market these days. Why does it have to be your "reality" re prostitution when there are so many other options to choose from?