Should I be cross if DH went to lap dancing club?

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...and spent £60 on private dances (we aren't poor and he doesn't spend money on much that is frivolous).

Other people seem to think I should be cross but I can't see it. Am I being a mug? Is it a sign of disrespect?

He got a bit of female attention outside the marriage. He was consenting. They were consenting. I knew he was going there. There doesn't seem like there is a risk of him forming a relationship with the women but if a woman behaved that way with him in a regular nightclub that seems more of a threat to me.

He came home horny as hell and seemed like he had a good break from the stress of his job.

How many times have we had this conversation!

I feel a bit about lap dancing clubs but I would never assume that a person visiting one would be more likely to assault or sexually abuse/harrass someone than a person who doesn't visit them.

Message withdrawn

Maybe you're forgiven for using the word retarded because English is not your first language?
Being part of a sex industry makes you part of the problems that are encoutered by many women in them. A little like doing a line of coke means that you don't give a shit about the oppression and violence experienced by women and children within the industry that you never see.
Just because you danced and never felt like a victim it doesn't mean you didn't contribute to the suffering of others, by normalising and associating with people who are part of the more ugly side of things.
I name called a few women that I met who worked at one club.
The link is there between sexual crime and lapdancing bars but not because men are more horny. The area seeps into a seedy den where sexual criminals are attracted and the lines for others is blurred by the objectification of women.

fatbob, did any of your live-in partners object to you using these establishments?

and if they did, would you have respected their wishes and refrained?

"Government reports cite that Lapdancing normalises the exchange of money for sexual arousal and this has fuelled an 'increased demand for the purchase of sex' while encouraging 'factors driving human trafficking flows'. The link between human trafficking and ncrease in sexual crime cannot be denied."

Have you a link to these reports, please?

Ah alas no, I'm currently in a country where such reports are blocked. I think the report is 2005 if that helps.

none of them minded as stated one even worked there, dont get me wrong i dont pop down every week or month, i would go when invited for a stag or work do thats all, also working in the city in London, we would be treated to nights out by clients and that sort of thing, but i never vistied them often, infact last time i went was maybe two years ago...

Any idea what it was called?

Sorry, mine to Twelvelegs lol!

PS: also if someone said they didnt like me going, im not sure what i would do on a stag do or something, guess i would still go maybe?

sorry for 20 questions fatbob

When you knew your ex was being ogled by sleazy (and some non-sleazy of course ) men, did it not bother you at all ?

not really, im very open when it comes to things like this..

Dittany: reading the above I can't believe you are deluded in to thinking you are in some way sticking up for women. You are infact being extremely derogatory about women who have come on this thread and disagreed with your view. How is being derogatory sticking up for women? I think you sound like a bit of a woman hater myself the way you have turned on some of the people on this thread and put them down and dismissed them as thick and deluded or slags. Isn't that what mysoginists do?

My husband isn't a scumbag, a liar or crual to me and I find you saying so very offensive. If I asked him not to go, he would respect me in this as he does in everything. I'm not down trodden in my marriage and, not that it really matters, but I'm an extremely successful, confident woman. My intelligence tells me that I'm happy for him to enjoy himself in a lap dancing bar, it's not disrespectful to me...ITS JUST A BIT OF FUN!! Maybe the worlds not black and white as you seem to think and not all women who are happy with lap dancing are down trodden...maybe some of them are self confident and secure in their relationships?

"maybe some of them are self confident and secure in their relationships?"

Maybe roundgirl. Or maybe they don't care that they are perpetuating the idea that women's sexuality is a commodity. Which impacts, ultimately, on us all.

OBM all sexuality can be commodity: people trade it for security or advantage as well as for cash. And let's not forget that men sell sex too.
And I still think that the ojectification of women as the carers and the mothers who don;t need money because they do everything out of love and fulfilment of womanliness is actually more damaging to women socially and economically than sex work (wich for some women in some situation is a route to autonomy and financial independence).

you didn't answer the last question though fatboy fatbob

I agreee with Solid Gold Brass, all sexuality is a commodity. I can't believe there are people on this thread denying that men are treated as sexual ojects too. Have you not seen David Beckham's recent underwear advert, where he is posing in nothing more than a crotch tight pair of pants? this was probably one of the most recognised media images in the world a few months ago and was pure sexual objectification.

I have also had a male lap dance, which was also sexual! (great fun!)

I also think it's wrong to say that men who lie about going to lap dancing bars 'know they are doing something wrong'. How do you know that Dittany? Maybe they think it's fine but don't want to argue with someone who's mind is closed about it, or maybe they know their partner is insecure or possessive? Maybe they don't have much openness in their relationship. There are a myriad of possible reasons why a man might not tell his wife, not just the one that suits one balck and white view of the world!

I just don't have it in me tonight to explain the 'because there are other bad things in the world, doesn't make this particular bad thing okay' idea, solidgoldbrass; or to point out effectively the vast differential in the numbers of men selling sex, and the numbers of women doing so. or to argue how men selling sex is different to women selling sex, whilst they are still radically disadvantaged in society both economically and in terms of physical vulnerability. or even to suggest that those women who are most disadvantaged are also most likely to have their lives affected by this idea that women's bodies are commodities.

or to argue that, astonishingly enough, all sexuality is not, roundgirl, a commodity. Not in my house, anyways.

theexmrsfederer - i did

didnt bother me at all, she had talked about doing it for ages.

Sorry I'm pissed and shouldn't be posting.

Men will always letch over women whatever and if they think their woman minds they will keep it secret. You won't stop their natural instinct though, and would you really want to? Men's brains are wired to be very visual about sex and want to look at women's breasts, bums and fannies. Men who aren't like this are less masculine I find and less sexually attractive (to me anyway). Women are more wired to look at personality and staying power I think. I don't think you will ever change the natural instincts whatever logic and feminist philosophy you put on it. People will feel the same, they will just hide it if they think people will disapprove. I HATE repression. It has caused so many problems in my family. Everyone should stop trying to be respectable and say/act how they really feel. Sorry if I have said anything offensive, I am pissed.

Well, Dittany, they paid for sex (sex work is not a recent invention). Or, depending on the era they lived in and their socioeconomic status, they might have collected 'classical art' - or made it, giving a veneer of respectability to their desire to look at naked bodies. They might have been involved with clubs or social organisations where sexually-explicit entertainment featured. Or they pursued sex with as many women as possible, sometimes offering money, sometimes offering promises of love, sometimes using force. Neither voyeurism nor the wish for sex outside the married state or couple relationship is exactly a recent development.

dittany i used to be a lapdancer and would and hopefully will be again once i lose my baby weight.

which unfortunately for me is taking a lot longer this time around and i dont feel that you are defending me at all. infact i feel quite the opposite, you are trying to tell me what i should and not be thinking/feeling about something i have done, you have not. i know my own mind better than any one else i am an adult not a child. i do not appreciate being patted on the head and told to go away like a good little girl who doesnt understand the wide world.

and for what its worth while i have been losing my baby weight this time around and last time i have been adding to my list of qaulifications and have added a law as level at grade B and a phsycology a level at grade A not bad for a dim slapper lapdancer eh twelve legs? but yet i still aspire to go back to dancing! why because i made a hell of a lot of money for basically having a night out with my friends.