Should I be cross if DH went to lap dancing club?

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...and spent £60 on private dances (we aren't poor and he doesn't spend money on much that is frivolous).

Other people seem to think I should be cross but I can't see it. Am I being a mug? Is it a sign of disrespect?

He got a bit of female attention outside the marriage. He was consenting. They were consenting. I knew he was going there. There doesn't seem like there is a risk of him forming a relationship with the women but if a woman behaved that way with him in a regular nightclub that seems more of a threat to me.

He came home horny as hell and seemed like he had a good break from the stress of his job.

yeah but they are learing, I've seen them, they get this turned on grin on their face.

it's fairly harmless though not much different to page 3

I had a similar job in Australia, not dancing, just bar work but in very few clothes.
I can honestly say I loved it, best job I ever had and I did it for a year and a half. I could have given it up way before that but I didn't want to.
Why do people assume that the women must hate it or feel degraded. I certainly didn't.

well i think theres a difference here.

if he enjoyed it then,hmm,not sure about that
if he didnt then. pheww!

my hubby went once and didnt enjoy it,he felt like it was someones daughter with no clothes on in front of him.

people do porn together as a way to stimultae eachother and theres nothing wrong with that.

but when its just for one persons personal turn on then im not really sure...

its all about your confidence in him isnt it?
you sound very confident yourself so it doesnt seem to have bothered you but a weaker less confidnet woman it would destroy.

perhaps he knew you could cope with it

but ask yourself did he care if you could cope with it or wasnt he bothered?

My dp went out on a works do the other week, got completely twatted, blundered into a lapdancing club with a colleague, and decided to buy a bottle of champagne...needless to say, they ended up being treated to the full works and then presented with a bill for £350 !!

This was completely out of character for dp - he confessed all when he got home the next day (having fallen asleep on a train and ending up in another town). He is absolutely horrified at what he has done - he has spent a huge sum of money on having tits waggled in his face (and he was so drunk he can only remember a nipple). I have wavered between anger, horror and amazement at what a buffoon he has been. Fortunately I can see how ashamed he is of himself and am treating it as a one off, which I can 'remind' him about in future arguments. Plus we are going on a nice holiday as penance.

"Women have to say they enjoy it, that's part of the myth and propaganda of lap-dancing...
Its BS and you know it"

I love how the anti-sex league always tell sex-workers, pole-dancers and so on how they must really feel. Because you know better than the women who have worked in the industry, and they're "in denial" if they refuse to say how abused and exploited they feel.

Way to empower women, Sister!

dittany, please don't be so pompous and arrogant as to presume to know what feelings i'm repressing or how disgusted i feel with myself

you're not coming across very well by speaking to us like that.

i enjoyed it. i felt incredibly proud of myself earning so much money for doing very little except look good in a thong. i tended to avoid the creepy old men who came in and mostly worked the younger crowd, the groups of lads in having a laugh with their mates.

i can't speak for every lap dancer, i don't pretend to. yes i'm sure there are women who are unhappy and exploited or C4 and the beeb wouldn't have had any dancers talking to them in their docs..... i'm telling you that for me, in the clubs i worked in, it was not like that.

it certainly wasn't like that for the dancers who traveled from club to club around the world earning enough money to buy houses outright by the age of 25 and seeing the world as they did it.

in any job there is a certain percentage of people who are not happy and wish they were doing something else, unfortuantely in this industry those women make ideal candidates for the tv crews to pay lots of money too so they can make yet another sordid documnetary about how seedy and exploited the industry is.

Why would you be angry of your husband having tits groped and arse pushed in his face? Getting aroused by other women? Spending time and money looking at a woman that isn't you? Supporting an industry that at best exploits women and in real life makes rape and sexual assault a greater risk in any area where a lap dancing club exists?
I am not part of an anti sex league I just perfer to see a whole picture than the one that may focus on the very dim Spearmint Rhino workers who may make a little cash and see the girls that drift into sex work which also traffics women and children. Denying these are all part of the same issue is like believing your lamb chop comes from a supermarket and doesn't involve the slaughter of a lamb.

Exactly, Oldlady. Also, there seems to be no perception of the distinctions women in the sex industry make about thier jobs ie there is a huge range of feeling between 'so traumatized it ruined my life' and 'oh yes it really turns me on every single time'. WOmen who work in the sex industry out of choice are the ones who see it as a job, not the best job in the world but not the worst either. The anti-sex people really do always seem to project both their own horror of others' sexuality and their own witless romanticism ('sex is about 'love'': read a few of the domestic violence threads and see where the pursuit of romantic love can lead you) onto others.

People who moan about,the 'sexualisation' of current society must think that the position of women is soooooo much better in those societies where porn, stripping, etc are prohibited. Like Afghanistan, for instance. As opposed to the hideous, exploitative, anti-equality women-hating regimes you get in Scandinavia and Holland....

twelve legs immigrants are forced to work in meat factories and children are enslaved around the world to make cheap clothing/coffe and million other things. you cant use trafficking as way to belittle people who are happy to work in lapdancing clubs as it happens in lots of industrys.

im very dim now am i? okay you must be right of course. tell me how many lapdancers have you actually spoken to to verify this balls you are spouting fact?

One of my biggest problems with the sex industry at the moment is that so many of the girls are trafficked.
So while some might say it's just a bit of fun and the girls are all earning great money - many are earning nothing and for all intents and purposes are slaves.
I wouldn't want to take part in an activity where I couldn't be sure that some of the women weren't coerced. And I refuse to turn a blind eye like so many businessmen do.

oooh this went deep man!

the lady who posted wasnt botherd i dunna think

sounds like she was just a bit bored!

I well wouldn't be worried! I'd wanna go with him xx

having caught up on the thread i just want to agree with everything dittany has to say again[lazy]

and aly16-im not sure but i would hope that children arent allowed in these places

children are exploited for many industiries, the clothing industry, the manufacturing industry, the food industry.

all those industries use child labour in the third world, not just the sex industry.

it doesn't mean all companies working in those fields have exploited children or that any person who works for a clothing manufacturer is aiding and abbetting cruelty to children.

similarily with the sex industry just because children in third world countries are exploited and raped doesn't mean every lap dancer in europe should take the blame for those hideous acts.

I wouldnt mind dh going at all, but that's the relationship we have. I'm afraid I'll always disagree with dittanys view on these types of threads. OP if you didn't mind him going then as others have said don't let your friends tell you how you should feel about it.

DH knew I wouldn't mind before he went. I am a bit concerned about whether I should mind because I have always had confusion over where boundaries should be and what is normal. Lots of times I have thought something was normal, then someone has told me it wasn't, and when I've thought about it I've realised it wasn't. I have allowed people to be disrespectful to me a lot in the past and don't want to allow it anymore. I don't feel that DH has disrespected me but am worried he might have and I might not have even realised that is what he has done.

I do feel secure that he is always going to come home to me and wants to be with me because he has stayed with me through so much already. It is reassuring to me that this has proved how secure I feel with him.

But, even if I feel secure I still worry about whether 'normal' people would think I was being a mug. I hate being thought of as weak and putting up with things I shouldn't. Although maybe it is weak to care about what other people think (?).

Have to say, I am really surprised by the outrage still out there about lap dancing clubs. My DH goes to them about once a year on a stag do with his friends I am perfectly happy about it. I know for a fact he has several private dances on his own stag! The whole objectifying arguement just seems a little dated to me and I consider myself a complete feminist!

Having been to these clubs a couple of times myself, it always seems to me that the girls are in total control and the vast majority of lads are just there to have a bit of fun with their friends/ colleagues. If anyone's exploited it's the blokes emptying their pockets so fast!

Female beauty is incredibly potent and I personally think most men enjoy looking at beautiful women. I would honestly think there was something wrong with my DH if he didn't. I think it's silly to make men feel this is 'bad' or 'disloyal' as it just sweeps things under the carpet to become twisted or secret. I also enjoy looking at gorgeous men.

I went to a lap dancing club one birthday and had some male dances...my friends and I had a great laugh and I didn't feel it was seedy at all. I have also done pole dancing classes at my gym and have a lot of respect for those athletic ladies!

I think some people on the post have been very patronising in assuming that people trying to defend lap dancing are in denial. We're all intelligent ladies and it's wrong to presume that.

But Roundgirl - how could you be sure that those girls who appeared in total control weren't being coerced behind the scenes?
The trafficking of women into this country for the sex industry is so prevalent that it pervades almost every strata

actually, the daily mail and other sensationalist sources have told you that 'The trafficking of women into this country for the sex industry is so prevalent that it pervades almost every strata'

most of the girls working in english clubs are english, in fact most of the girls working in the clubs over here (ireland) were english too. some were american, scandanavian, iberian and a few african. there were girls who came over on working visa's from eastern europe for several months to make as much money as possible to send their families but they got their money into their hands the same as everyone else.... it was the situation in their home country that forced them to send 95% of this home and exist on nothing.

the club provided them with transport and accomodation and gave them their money each night in cash the same as everyone else and was not responsible for the fact that they chose to send it home to their families.... and were very grateful for the opportunity to do so as the money they earned was a lot more than they could have if they'd come on a visa and done au pair work or restaurant work and they had to spend less on themselves so could send more home to their parents and children. yet when these girls are talked about in the media they become 'eastern european women trafficked for the sex industry, forced to live in company housing and not keeping any of their money for themselves' technically true... but not the full truth.

twas not the Mail but sadly the police.
The trafficking unit described the illegal trafficking of people as a problem on par with drugs.
The WHO described it was more profitable for organised criminals than money laundering.