Should I be cross if DH went to lap dancing club?

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...and spent £60 on private dances (we aren't poor and he doesn't spend money on much that is frivolous).

Other people seem to think I should be cross but I can't see it. Am I being a mug? Is it a sign of disrespect?

He got a bit of female attention outside the marriage. He was consenting. They were consenting. I knew he was going there. There doesn't seem like there is a risk of him forming a relationship with the women but if a woman behaved that way with him in a regular nightclub that seems more of a threat to me.

He came home horny as hell and seemed like he had a good break from the stress of his job.

is this still going on - has the OP even decided if she is supposed to be mad at her dh yet?

I don't think arranged marriages being better or worse than lapdancing makes lapdancing any more or less acceptable.

I just think it's an interesting point of comparison.

You are saying women who strip do so because they have no self esteem, but it seems many of them think they do.

I'm largely playing devil's advocate here, I just find it interesting.

I think the OP has happily gotten on with her life. It's the rest of us who can't seem to move on.

Hey I'm bored having just watched three hours and more of the opening of the Olympics and am in China. The ceremony was only made more boring by the fact it was all in Chinese!!!
No TV, too knackered to read, 3 children and 6 months pregnant with a DH meeting us all in Thailand next week (the children and I have been here since the second week of July) I feel I have an excuse to keep on about this one!!!
Better make sure DH is not frequently one of the many many lap dancing bars in my city whilst I'm here!! At least the street prostitutes aren't beautiful and very very young, like they are here, back home!!

frequenting..... dear dear it is 11.40pm!!

haha I have no excuse really!

Dittany: pretending to feel sexual desire is not the most horrible thing in the world either. People frequently pretend they feel liking, respect or sympathy for others in the course of their jobs, or have to remain patient and polite in the face of really unpleasant customer behaviour. And people have sex for many reasons other than mutual desire: for security or advancement, to stop a partner complaining of sexual frustration, to persuade a partner to stop having sex with someone else: when the person being paid for sex is not and has not been forced into doing the job by violence or entrapment and does not feel that the job is any worse than (for instance) street cleaning or debt collecting, why on earth should a person not exchange sex for money? I still haven;t heard anything like a logical answer to that.

i figured out last night what bugs me so much about all this.

it's the attitude that women are the weak fragile ones who need to be protected from all these horny scumbags of men.

men are raped, abused and sexually harrassed just as much as women are but as the 'stronger' gender are expected to be tough and deal with it.

men are raped every day and are afraid to report the crimes for fear of being villified and disbelieved. afraid of being judged weak and pathetic for 'allowing it to happen'

men suffer domestic abuse. dp's father has been beaten several times by his daughter. he has angina and a double bypass and she's knocked him unconcious. when he rang the police they refused to come on the grounds 'it's just a domestic'. can you imagine a woman being told it's ok if someone knocks her unconcious if 'it's just a domestic'?

men suffer sexual harrasment, both from men and women but it's to be taken as just a bit of fun... the same behaviour towards a woman would be criminal behaviour. there's a diet coke ad on tv a the moment showing a woman grabbing a guy walking down the street and kissing him.... can you imagine if the genders were reversed an ad like that being shown?

if women go see the chippendales it's 'just a bit of fun' but if men go see lapdancers they're only there to 'leer, grope and fuck' and are being incited into rape and violance at the mere sight of semi dressed women.

where is the equality in this picture?

men are being painted as violant, sexual beasts who us poor fragile women need to be protected from

So the argument against being a lapdancer is that you wouldnt do it if you werent being paid for it? Because I wouldnt look at excel spreadsheets all day if I wasnt being paid for it.

actually, my main basis for gettig into lapdancing was 'i show it all for free anyway, why not get paid for it?' so that arguement wouldn't work either way

Well said Pinktulips.

"men are raped, abused and sexually harrassed just as much as women are"

Really?

Really?

You are mad.

maybe you sould take yourself off and read the statistics onebat?

sadly it's true, but as men are afraid to report such crimes only a tiny fraction ever get reported.

one male friend of mine was mugged and raped not once but twice, and sadly contracted HIV the first time he never went to the police.

rape crisis lines have a slightly better idea of the real story but even they admit men are far more hesitant to seek advice and help, they tend to bury the pain and try and get on with their lives hoping noone will find out.

I am certain that everything you say is true - apart from you key point about men being raped etc as much as women are, which is utter - and dangerously misleading and distracting - tripe.

Please link to statistics from a credible source which say as much.

If I go to a club where men strip do these same arguments apply?

Am I exploiting them? Do they by neccesity have no self esteem?

prison rape

english article

rather shocking south african statistics regarding schoolchildren

whole site dedicated to links to research

mentions briefly women forcing men into sex.... half of this group of men reported such an act

keep in mind many of these article are hesitant to give estimates because of the unwilllingness of victims to report or even admit to the crime.

it also seems to be difficult to get statistics of exactly what percentage of child abuse cases are male/female. i'm sure it's there but i have to get the kids into bed now so don't have time to google right now.

another interesting one as it again highlights female rape of men

Before I trawl through these, are there any statistics which state, as you claim, that "men are raped, abused and sexually harrassed just as much as women are"

'male rape in america is now higher than female' prison one

'44% of males reported being forced into unconcensual sex with a female' last one

'2 out of 5 SA students reported being raped by age 18'

and i haven't even gotton any links about DA or harrasment yet as i'm in the process of bedding kids, will root those out later but iirc they're een more shocking (the DA ones that is)

But I don't think we are discussing child abuse here.

I've had a quick look at this one and I'd suggest that if the same definition of sexual aggression were applied to male-female occurrences, the figures would be far higher than 38%.

Similarly, Prof King's research " Researchers in England found that 3 percent of men said they were sexually assaulted after reaching age 16 and nearly half of the men reported they were forced into sex by women."

'forced into sex' is very broad indeed. I think the figure for sexual assault - 3% - is likely to be more concrete. Again - dreadful.But I'd guess far lower than research under similar conditions - not the figures for reported assaults - for women would be.

It is well known that sexual roles in prison are adjusted to reflect aggressors lack of access to women.

i can't open pdfs on this pc but in the article i linked to the phrase is 'nearly half of the men reported they were forced into sex by women'... suggesting half the surveyed men otherwise it would have been phrased 'of these [3%] nearly half of the men reported they were forced into sex by women' it seems to distinguish between sexual assault and being coerced which i'm a bit about but i linked to it for the statistic.

if you read the reports and any at all that you google they all state very clearly that men do not admit to rape on the whole so statistics are hard to come by.

the oregan college article is the best terms of how they've gathered the info, they came up with this; ' A survey utilizing a gender-neutralized version of the SES found that 38.5% of men have reported some degree of unwanted sexual aggression (Hannon, Kuntz, Van Laar, Williams, & Hall, 1996). The types of sexual pressure that women have reportedly used include verbal inducement, using alcohol, physical force, and threats of force with or without a weapon (Anderson & Aymami, 1993; Struckman-Johnson & Struckman-Johnson, 1994b)'

keep in mind differentiating between coercion and rape and discounting anything pre 18 years of age is severly swaying the results in some cases. i was raped at 16, by some of these studies standards that doesn't count as it wasn't in adulthood

DRCC look at these stats and take into account how few men report, even to a crisis line.

justlikeaman.blogspot.com/2007/10/unspoken-crime-of-male-rape.html interesting readng too.

sorry, fucked it up.

that last senence should say 'as a means of enforcing a hierarchy (just as it does outside prison) and reflecting the aggressors lack of access to the women who would be their usual victims.'

unless we all read the full papers, and the critical reviews (research is political, of course), we won't agree.

But I stand by my point that if 38.5% of men have reported "some degree of unwanted sexual aggression", including "verbal inducement", the figure for women interviewed using the same criteriia would be, say, 100%.