Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

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Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

just a quick post before work!

baffy - well done on staying strong! especially after really this is what your h should have done ages ago.

ginnny - cant believe he said that. either way it is totally thoughtless. do our h's relly not think at all?!

mhis - that is the attitude of my evil withch mil too. you are right they SHOULD be telling him to sort himself out and do the right thing by his family. if nothing else, I swear to God that is ds tries to shirk his responsibilities when he eventally has kids, I will be on his case like nothing else!!!
I havent seen you on msn recently - you ok?

I think it very normal for them to surround themselves with people who wont give them a hard time - my h's only contacts are with his family (who are fucked up to say the least - he was going to cut his mum out of his life 2 months before this kciked off, and now she is his major port of support ), and workmates who know nothing, oh, and ow. when he calls our bfs, he tells h to sort himself out and do the right thing by his family, so h doesnt call very often.

well h is coming over still. wants support etc. I am trying to treat him as a friend until he is willing to start to give me something too. he came over the other night and just brooded, then yesterday said I shold have been asking him if he was ok. Well, we havent lived with each other for 4 months now, so my wifey senses dont tingle like they used to. I told him to take NOTHING for granted. he is getting better at talking about how he feels though, which is an improvement. not enough for me to commit to though.
I remain friendly and open, ready for when / if he ever gives me anything. I am not hoping anymore, just accepting. I told him it would be sad to tell ds in 15 yrs that we tried to get back together for 1 week, but it was too hard. but you know, in one ear and out the other...

still not packed btw

Morning

Anifrangapani I didn't tell anyone until I kcikced him out about whathad been goin gon on - obviously neither did DH - my family have been understanding about it but MIL has said how much this has upset her and that we should have told our families sooner.

But yet she is the one who is being nasty with me

RB I don't want MIL/FIL to tell DH what to do but I don't want them condoning/explaining/excusing what he has done which is what I feel they are doing. The only other person DH has told is an old friend - who back when we first got together told DH that he could do better than me - interesting that this is the friend he has chosen to tell!

I've been on MSN but bit sporadic - will be on later today/tonight.

Not slept very well - tossed and turned all night. I'm concerned that I am not focussing on my bad points enough - ie what happened in the relationship all those years that lead to this horrible situation.

I know I am not to blame for DH's affair - no-one other than himself made the choice to become involved/sleep with another woman - but the 'fix-it' part of me wants to look at myself more and try to work out what went wrong. Also MIL made me feel so bad yesterday about 'me' that I kind of came away feeling like I am a bad person or at least a person who has done some bad things yet she won't say outloud that DH has done some terrible things. Basically said she has put up with things from her DH and you shuld be the bigger person by moving on and forgetting about it

HW you speak alot about improving yourself and how this helped - can I ask what things it was that you felt you needed to change to improve your marriage?

Going to see my counsellor today hopefully she will help me to work through what happened yesterday. I don't feel as bad as I did when I spoke to DH a week ago but do't exactly feel good either.

Hope everyone else is okay

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Dior I know but so difficult to ignore someone who is being so mean. I have issues with her but hardly touched on them and kind of feel I let myself down by accepting what she said but not airing my issues fully

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MHIS, of course he will only seek support from people who are totally on his side. Men have an amazing capacity to only hear the things they want to and block out everything else.
Your MIL is probably very ashamed of him and deep down knows he is in the wrong, but she won't tell you that as she will feel disloyal.
I often wonder how I'd feel if one of my ds's did something like this in the future. Its a tough one. Although I would want to support them, I could never condone it. Just hope it never happens.
Hope everyone is OK today.
I haven't heard a thing from XP since his drunken mesage the other night. I think (hope) he knows he was out of order and is hanging his head in shame somewhere (I wonder where?! )

MHIS

I think i got lost in the marriage - we had/have a lovely family and home and pretty much everything you think you want in life.

Money was not an issue and from the outside everything seemed ok.

I knew i was not completly happy and was seeking what that was - again probably like a lot of people i looked to h for that support.

Instead of him doing that he saw it as an insult to him - he was working hard and all i was doing was wanting more - you know the score - i wasnt happy, h thought i was unhappy with him, he felt lonely - didnt turn to me for that support (as i probably wouldnt have been much help - i was too wrapped up in my own world).

I think the one thing i really did learn was that only i am responsible for my own happiness - and although it was hard i had to find what made me happy on my own iyswim.
I read a lot of self help books - and they made a lot of sense and i started to make some small changes to the way i saw things.

It does all sound like a load of rubbish now i write it down - and most of it is common sense, but it really worked.

I generally feel more possitive about life - and certainly more content with my lot (which actually is quite good anyway).

Although what h did was awful - i did not want to end up bitter about it - it sounds silly but being grateful for the things i did have - the children my health some fantastic friends ....... was a start.

I then set myself some boundaries - how i wanted others to treat me ect. In fact we have had a falling out with mil because i will no longer tollerate her h in my home - he is a rude ignorant pig and in the past i used to bend over backwards for him - but now i have said my piece and i welcome mil but not him - this is not me being mean and i no longer brood over it - i have set the boudary mil has the choice now not me.

I have also done this to a couple of so called friends (one was having an affair - i said i would not be willing to help her in this - she choose to part company with me).

It is a confidence thing - i know myself better now (but always willing to learn).
It sounds as if i am hard - but i hope i am not, i also know my limits.

Also i now dont feel bad if h doesnt do what he is meant to - that is his problem not mine - i have stopped making his dental appointment (he was always asking me to change/cancel - now i dont care if he goes or not - it is up to him). Same with some of his bills - for his car. He has had to pay more for insurance but that is his fault - he gets angry with himself but not me anymore.

I probably 'mothered' him too much - and lets face it that is not really attractive is it?.

Hope that helps - of course TFM is far better at the possitive thinking thing.

Let us know how you get on.

Dior is right - only you 2 know the truth and that is all that matters.

Hi quick one as I am between appointments. Just had visit from school as Reception children receive home visits prior to starting. Nice teacher and teaching assistant and ds very chatty. TA says "you obviously talk to him a lot" meaning what a chatterbox Anyway, it went well. My baby is going to school Then we're off for DTP booster. I'm feeling rough with sinusitis but hoping the sudafed will kick in soon.

Baffy - hope ds settles at pre-school. I'm sure he will quite soon. You are being very calm and rational. I'm not surprised at ow's reaction. H should learn not to go round there when she pulls those stunts. If baby stops kicking she can take herself to the hospital to get it checked out. I doubt very much that she wants you and h to bring up the baby. She wants the baby and your h. Now that he doesn't want her, she will try everything she can to get him back. Imo she is saying she wants you to have the baby because she knows that she will have ongoing access/contact with h. How is work going? Hope your friends are giving you lots of support xx

RB and MHIS - you're doing so well
I didn't tell my parents, neither did he. I didn't think it would be wise. Don't think any of them would've tried to blame me, but still I just didn't want the fall out.

HW - I was thinking how good you would be at writing a book for women who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair. We could all chip in. We could call it The Infidelity Diaries for example! I would like to read a book written by an ordinary person, as opposed to a relationship counsellor. I've found that these threads have helped me more than the books I've read. Anyone know a Publisher?

Ginnny - for you . Hope you can fall out of love with him, as you said. Very sad for you and the children.

Tannee - counselling v hard at the beginning. Men crap at expressing their feelings............in time may get easier. Either way, I think it will help you to have that outlet. Your lodger sounds like a character. Still thinking of having students in the future. Need a few home improvements first though. Sounds like you were relieved at not being selected as a candidate so I won't be sympathetic

Dior - so nice to hear you sounding so chirpy. Don't spoil it by being cynical. Just enjoy it (the cynical side of me has to resisit adding while it lasts ).
Hope you enjoy helping at the school. Well done at the ongoing weight loss. Hope you're not aiming for a size zero though.

Lilyloo - how are you? DD ok now?

Angi - giving up smoking at a time like this? Nerves of steel girl! How are you?

Hi to everyone else. Sorry haven't been on much lately. Really busy at work, no time to have lunch let alone go on mumsnet. Then dh home late as started new job and needs to get to grips with new systems etc, so feel I should talk to him in the evenings rather than virtual friends. I'm off now til 22nd. Get a couple of hours to myself daytime next week as ds at school half day. Gym or mumsnet beckons

Just a quick one. LL you?re totally right, she wants the baby and my H. That?s what it?s all about. I was thinking about it last night. Just little snippets from the things she?s said. I think her ploy was that she would say H and I had to take the baby, I wouldn?t be able to do that and agree to bring up her child, H wouldn?t be able to walk away from the child, so we?d have no choice but to go our separate ways. H would be alone. And then she could work on having what she wants!!

Don?t think she quite believes yet that I?ve walked away. And I don?t blame her as I?ve obviously given him so many chances in the past. She?s scared stiff that now he has finally said he wants me, if I agree to it then we?re back together and that?s the end of her games.

Her NM is very much still in the picture. He has NO idea what is going on in the background. I?d absolutely love to tell him exactly what is going on! But do you know what, I don?t even care enough to waste my energy on it. I feel very sorry for him. But it?s none of my business and I?m going to keep it that way!

Dior I am finding it hard (you know me too well!) but yes I am going to stay strong. I honestly don?t want any part in it and if I thought for one minute H would step up to the mark and be the husband I deserve, then I would be thinking very differently. But he?s proved time and time again that he just cannot put me first. This is always about him first, and OW and her tantrums second. Me and ds are way down the list.

I really would rather be alone, and perhaps have the chance of one day finding a man who really wants and loves me, than keep getting my heart broken by a man who clearly doesn?t.

He?s saying all the right things. But I?ve learnt the hard way, actions speak louder than words. And frankly, I?m not seeing any!!

Nobody knows yet in RL. And I?m still working 12-15 hours a day just to keep my head above water. Especially with taking that time off to do the school runs the last few days. But I?m honestly doing ok. The relief I feel far outweighs any pain and heartache. The two of them will destroy each other. And I don?t even need to sit back and take any pleasure from watching it. I don?t need revenge or anything like that anymore. I just need to look forward and make a happy life for me and ds. And I?m going to!

Will catch up with everyone else later xx

Well done baffy - you are doing so well.

She still NEEDS you in her life to keep her game going though doesnt she? She needs to take a good long look at what she wants now and take responsibilty for her actions.

Your h stepping up to the mark would only be the first step too.

I am feeling a bit wobbly - lots of reasons that i dont want to go into.

H is being fantastic - but is worried that we will not always be together (his words in a lovely email to me).

I suppose what i am saying is that the hard work has to continue on both parts for it to work.
All this time you have done more than your fair share - and h has done nothing but destroy all trust you put in him.

You are being strong and doing so well.

thank you xx

are you ok?

Afternoon all. Baffy, you are doing well - HW is right - she's just using this poor child in any way she can to get at H. She doesn't really even want the child - just the tawdry, second best life she thinks will be so marvellous with him. Almost feel sorry for her (but not enough) - feel sorry for the OM, but that's his lookout.

Lilyloo, lol at your comments. Yes, lodger is a character, and any other time I'd enjoy her company, but really wish we were on our own atm. It's ironic that we decided to take students because we need the money, and that DP was finding it frustrating not being able to do what he wants, when he wants, because of the presence of DD - now by dealing with the money issue, we're losing even more of our privacy! The problem is that we were given the impression that the students just want B&B and will only be home to sleep, but the reality is that most of them want half board and to practice their English on us in the evenings!

Yes, I'm hanging on to the little memory of dancing by the pasta. Yesterday was worse though. DP & I seem to be tiptoeing around each other. He made salad for us and left us to watch the football at the pub. Had half a bottle of wine before going, probably a couple of pints at pub, then came home & I went to bed at half 11. Woke up at 1.30 and went down to check he hadn't fallen asleep again. He was watching TV and into his second bottle. Went back to bed, couldn't sleep, went down again at 3am. He was just going to bed. Said I couldn't sleep, he asked why. I couldn't face saying it was because he was f*ing drinking his life away and leaving me alone upstairs, weeping, with a cat outside the door mewing to join me and I couldn't because he doesn't like the cats coming into our bedroom (fur everywhere). Anyway, what was the point of talking when he'd got two bottles of wine inside, so I just said I couldn't sleep and was going to have a cup of tea.

So he went to bed, I sat up for an hour with my little cat purring beside me, drank my tea and wrote a poem about the Other Woman - in the first person, from the wine bottle's view, with me as the OW. Felt quite pleased with it - haven't written poetry since I was a teenager. It helped calm my mind a bit, crafting the words - and then I went back upstairs and managed to sleep. It just felt better having him there, even though he was completely comatose.

Didn't bother to kiss him this morning when I left for work - it would only have disturbed his slumbers anyway. Thing is, I feel a mixture of sorrow and sheer, bloody anger. I shall have to raise the drinking issue more strongly next week, because this thing of him sitting up regularly with his two bottles has always got me ever since we moved in together.

Dior & HW, I can always swap days or take one for leave, so arrange it between you and I'll try to fit in.

I am ok baffy - i have a hospital appt tomorrow and i think i am just trying not to think about it all the time (which i am finding so hard) - have so much to do at home and cant get myself motivated - which in turn makes me cross with myself.....

I know all the answers in my head but just cant seem to do them even though i know i will feel so much better in the end iyswim.

Trying and failing to sort out the school clothes and begin putting away some of the summer stuff.

HW good luck with the hospital appointment tomorrow.

You are not the only one feeling bleurgh at the moment - Im not getting anything done either. I feel bad so I dont do it then I feel worse because I havent done it!

Baffy I went through the same thing with DS1 at playgroup (he was younger than yours when he started going too) There were days where I nearly sobbed walking home because I hated leaving him...then 10 minutes later id get a call from them to say "oh hes ok - hes out in the garden chasing Fern/Annabel/Katie" They just have to get into the routine that they KNOW you are coming back then the first day they walk in, rush off and forget to give you a kiss you will want to cry because you feel they dont need you Now I love being with them and I love having time without them

Good to hear you are not being dragged into OW/GW mess - I guess you cant help feeling "poor baby, I could help" but I think massive heartache lies ahead there for you if you get involved.

Gosh Dior if you are a cuckoo in this nest I must be a bigger fatter cuckoo LOL...surely the idea is that eventually everyone on Glam & Fab is happy - thats the target.

Hi everyone else...sorry to be anti-social this week just got the grots big time If I could go to bed and stay there I would...unfortunately I now have a school run to look forward to (wonder if I can do it without talking to anyone) then hubby needs me to make some appointments for him!

Hi everyone

HW hope your appt goes well and you feel more positive soon. Your DH seems to be doing what you need but must be so hard for you to fully rely on him after all you have been through. As much as you want to

Tanee - your DP sounds depressed. It's so difficult to keep being the positive one isn't it

I'm feeling really upbeat today. Had a good session with my counsellor. Discussed conversation with MIL and she said that I was assertive and handled it well. Said I was sound more positive and in control regarding DH too.

I asked her about telling DH I don't want him to have any contact with OW and spelling out what I need from him. She said to keep everything about ME, use I when I speak not HIM or YOU. By keeping the conversation about me and my needs, my decisions I am not telling him what to do nor appearing needy. She said that there is nothing wrong with me saying to DH that I am thinking and really trying to see if we can have a future relationship together. This way I am showing DH that I am still TRYING and am not completely opposed to the idea of a future BUT I'm not telling him what to do nor making any promises.

Re the OW she said I should refrain from telling him what he can and can't do - she pointed out that he should know that any contact is a no no. She said maybe try saying that in order for me to work towards or consider a future with DH I need to be certain that OW is completely off the scene otherwise things could never work between us.

Also started a new project today - being positive and turning around my SCBU experience to have a positive outcome - feel quite excited! Counsellor thinks that this is an excellent idea and positive way of dealing with a difficult time.

Sending positive vibes to you all - hopefully my positive streak will last!

HW, don't worry about feeling unmotivated - you have a lot on your mind. Good luck for tomorrow.

Wily, hi - hope the grots recede soon. It's so good to have two cuckoos in the nest - it extends hope to the rest of us .

Thats it ww - i feel even worse because i feel i have wasted so much time just thinking what needs doing - however have this afternoon managed to get one whole binliner of rubbish out of just one room - mainly from the toybox - and no doubt it will soon re-fill.

MHIS - that is it too - i dont want to rely on h - he thinks that i am somehow punishing him as i dont really want him holding my hand (i feel stronger on my own). And i dont have to rely on him either. I know h feels shut out of parts of my life now too.
That is the shift in control that i dont think he is so comfortable with - but mostly i am, and after all that is all that counts.

HW - its a classic symptom of depression isnt it - I had so much to do to get the children back to school (lists from the school of what they needed) now its done ive just crashed. Im planning a few early nights and to eat as much chocolate as I want for a few days

I always come back from holiday and look at the house and think why do I need all this stuff I manage OK without it when im away...I need to have a big clear out - it always lifts my spirits.

yes - i am aware of the depression link and i have suffered before and taken ads.
I think some of it is the time of year and the fact that like you i had loads to do a couple of weeks ago (well i still have now, but no real time limit).

I am good at keeping myself in check now though and will treat myself to something nice. Unfortunately the chocolate just makes me feel even worse - and fat .

We are off to a parents evening tonight - there is always lots of wine - which h thinks he should have a bigger share of having now got 4 children at the school . It will be a lovely evening so something to look forward to.

Also got a very busy weekend - why are there so many birthday parties between now and xmas?

HW , hope you have a great time at the parents' evening - and make sure you also get your fair share of the wine .

MHIS, really glad you've had a good day with your counsellor. It sounds positive to be thinking in terms of YOUR needs - we spend so much time thinking of HIS - and as HW said, it's easy to mother them into feeling stifled. Yes, you are correct, my DP is depressed. He's had depression on and off since his teens (which is why he tried suicide twice when girls jilted him) - he tried counselling 20 years ago after another disastrous relationship - it was also the time when he dated me, on the rebound from her - which didn't work, nor did the counselling - and ADs then which also didn't work - though I suspect that was because he counteracted them with alcohol.

I do think I've taken over the running of the house too much - it was inevitable at the start, as he was away on tour almost from the day we moved in and so I was left to sort out direct debits etc. But I think we need to sit down and go through everything - consider a joint account for the bills and put in a proportion of our salaries. He admitted he hasn't even asked me what the expenses are like as he's been used to living on next to nothing, and the responsibility scares him. He had NO idea I had an overdraft and largish credit card bill to pay off (admittedly, I'd not told him as I didn't want to add to the pressure I knew he was under). We also need to discuss household chores - he never puts out the rubbish, or does his laundry (putting it in the laundry basket or on the floor is the extent of his laundering, though he does iron his own shirts), rarely does the washing up or cooking despite being a good cook, sometimes does just a snack for himself and I have to cook separately for DD and me. There are small repairs to be done which he says he'll do and doesn't (like the shower). Basically, he lives like a part-time lodger who pays very little, drinks away money that could go into the kitty, still wants to have the freedom to travel to visit friends abroad and gets to sleep with me (for what that's worth these days ).

As you can see, I'm building up quite a head of steam about this. All the petty grievances that don't bother me when we're happy, have come back to me over the past couple of lonely nights. It's as well he's going away this weekend or I shall wind up bursting with bile all over him. And that would be awful messy .

And if HE doesn't want to sleep with me, I should darn well be allowed to have my lovely little cats on the bed - at least they want my company at night!

Phew! Sorry about the rant. I MUST try to remember that somewhere in all this morass, we do actually love each other - I think...

Oh, by the way HW & Dior, I've just been asked if I can change my working days slightly - so I would be free for lunch on Thursdays if that's any good?

dior - I meant resist - typewriter dyslexic

HW - Weather not helping. My mood has dipped a lot since the evenings got darker. Plus the lack of sun makes days quite dreary. Also h working with all women team. Talk about out of frying pan and into fire He sent me a reassuring text saying he will never cheat on me again, how his priorites are with me and ds. So I have to believe him because there isn't another choice - unless I leave him on the basis of what he might do one day. Which seems a bit foolish. I have been distant this week. Are you distancing yourself from h? Maybe you could email him too.

((Tanee))

Have tried to preserve my positive mood with a (small) glass of wine and my favourite tea! It's working so far!!

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