Dior - send me some happy vibes - not too bad at the mo - just need to get back into the swing of being at home with only myself to look after . Place seems so quiet and i just cant seem to get myself started on any one thing.
RB - my h spiralled down once the reality of it all hit him.
I was always reasonable about access and in fact made sure the children saw him emailed him and texted and telephoned him almost daily.
I accepted my part for the state our marriage was in but also proved to myself and him that i was not really that awful person he wanted to see me as. I did a lot of work on myself. One of the things he said was he hated coming home to an untidy house (forgetting that he came home at bed time when the house really was a tip as supper things were still out, homework was spread accross the table ect). I also hated it being so messy - but without him and his mess to do i actually found it easier to do and would then only arrange for him to come around at times when it was looking good (and of course when i was looking good too).
I was in total control of when he saw the chidren, me and the house.
Apart from the initial angry outbusts i was sad but calm.
Like i say - he realised the happy carefree life he thought he would have was not so great - he found it hard to look after himself - when we did talk he admitted he hated going shopping and even asked me to help him get food for the children when he had them (which i refused polietly - making out i was too busy).
He had already arranged to take a month off work (which i think he was hoping would be long enough to get the divorce sorted (idiot)).
During that month he seemed to lose all will to do anything - it was probably depression - there was an awful lot of guilt there too - so i didnt have too hard a job to make him feel bad.
It was so sad to watch as the spark had just left him - it was obvious to everyone that he was not happy - but he equally felt he could not go back as he had done so much to damage us.
I offered for him to have tea with the children so at least we all knew he was eating and it gave him a chance to see the children more too.
He asked for more time off work and they agreed - and he one day asked if we could make another go of it.
I said i did not think we could but was happy to stay friends which is what we did.
Circumstances were in our favour - i had asked to move which he agreed to and was in the process of moving anyway - he had loads of time on his hands to get his head sorted and slowly i say the old him return.
We spent a lot of time having lunches and just talking - he helped me pack and it re-kindeled some old memories finding old photos ect.
We made no promises to each other (well i didnt to him anyway - he promised me ow was history).
We were lucky we had time to rediscover each other and no money pressures - a lovely new house too.
I have still not made any promises that it will last (i dont think i ever can). We have together laid a few ghosts to rest. I returned to the same place for a holiday alone with the children - the previous year was when i got my first real sussspicions. We have continued to work on our marriage and make a lot more time for each other now - we have had our first holidays without children (i reccomend to everyone).
One day i remember talking and saying - when we both retire lets do xyz. And i felt happy that i wanted to share those times with him agian.
It is a different relationship now - i am happier and will never be afraid to be on my own. I would say the balance of control is more in my favour now but i know i cannot control him - only my own actions.
He says he has learnt a massive lesson and although he is sure he will find other woman attractive and sexy again in the future he knows the devistation affairs can have. They dont just happen.
We are aware of the dangers and have even had the odd joke about it too.
This is not what i ever wanted to happen - i cant look back and think it was a good thing but there have been some good come out of it.
I will not ever thank the ow or ever think it is ok in any circumstances to embark on an affair - but equally i dont hate her - i hope she has also learnt from this and can also hopefully make others think before thinking it is just a bit of fun.
I just want to make happy memories for myself and my family now - ones we can share for a long time. My outlook has changed - and i hope for the better.
Good luck to all who experience this but it can work out.