Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

[UC]

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

Hi everyone. Answered your other thread ratbunny but I dont know how much help I was

Lily - see you are now feeling the same way as me about camping my tent wouldnt have been much good to you anyway it has little burn holes in it where someone lit their barbecue too close! Glad your LOs bite didnt turn out to be anything too sinister...ive been limiting myself on here this week to try and get some work done - so it wasnt that I didnt reply I just didnt pick up that you had a problem until it was sorted

Honestly Baffy you cannot sort out this girls problems - listen to Macdoodle. She is either mad or bad and either way the best thing you can do for yourself is keep your distance....if you genuinely think she may harm her child and have texts/messages to back this up then speak to social services. The GW talked her into keeping the baby it is time he stopped trying to hide behind your skirts and became a man (I hope you dont get cross with me!) Leave them to their Jerry Springer lives and onwards and upwards with yours.

Only the other day you were overwhelmed with the responsibility on your shoulders already please dont take on anything else. Im quite a strong person like you and used to listen to peoples problems and try to help - I had a friend with a really unsuitable on/off boyfriend she constantly turned up at my flat having a trauma and asking my advice - then went home and ignored it I had a complete melt down one day and realised their problems on top of my own were too much!

Baffy glad you are not going to get involved. As much as i know you want to be ssen as the 'good' person in all this i too suspect that she is hoping to drag you down with her. We can all see what a wonderful warm person you are and that alone is driving her mad - she knows she will never ever be able to hold her head on a level with you and rather than accepting that she is trying to get you on her side to somehow better herself, please please dont let her do it.
It is hard - she loves being the victim (we all do from time to time ) - but now you know you are best just to walk away. And actually i think in the long run when she is an old lady she will see that was the best thing for her. Walk away from the trouble - surely that is what you would want your ds to do - do what you know is the best thing for you and dont worry that anyone will think any the worse for you.

She is not going to hurt the baby - and even if she is you are not going to stop her - lovely as you are baffy you are not superhuman - she will do what she wants regardless of your actions - she just needs to involve you so she can then blame you for the outcome because she cannot bare the thought that it is her own actions. Hope that makes sense.

Feeling a bit down at the moment - my mum is not well and my dad is not doing so well - i feel i am having to look after them both at the moment too.
I have to go back to drs on friday for some more treatment too.
Just wish it would all end soon - instead of making my stupid head think and re-think the past 2 years again .

H is being great - not working too much at the moment so being around a lot - but i do worry that my gerneral lack of life at the moment will drag him down too .

MCD - i will try and get around to fb you with my questions but no real hurry to reply as i know how busy you are too.

OMG, it's taken an hour to catch up... Crikey. Hello new people...

Baffy, you are doing well. Please please don't feel you have to help OW. Ignore her. Eventually she will go away. YOu could get a new phone now, couldn't you, now that you are moving away from H, and you don't need to check up any longer on him? Do it. Get a new phone.

HW, try not to worry, see having h around as a bonus. Do what TFM would advise, plaster on a smile, suggest you do something fun together and go do it. Take some time just to enjoy.

Ratbunny and MHIS, keep strong. MHIS, I understadn what your counsellor was trying to say, make yourself unavailable, and you may find he wants what he thinks he can't have... You have done totally the right thing in telling him what he needs to do to make amends. Keep reminding him. And see if he does it.

Well, what news here. No major changes. I've had a few emails with TFM, she is fine. I have spent this weekend, while the DSs are with H, writing a very long, heartfelt letter to him, explaining where I know I went wrong, and how I now know that he must have felt abandoned by me before he went. Now that sounds mad, but it's part of my process I think, I know that the breakdown of our marriage was not all his fault. Yes, he had an affair, but what was the gap that allowed OW in? I can see quite a few ways in which I allowed the gap to be there. If only we had communicated better. Isn't life full of if onlys? I was in floods of tears writing it, it felt like a good bye letter. But really, I know that I am hoping it will be the thing that turns everything around. because fundamentally I still love him. And only you people understand how that feels...

Re the dating, there's still quite a bit of interest on the dating website, but I'm ignoring most of it. It's really about giving myself and ego boost, not about trying to actually meet someone. Not sure I'd be much use just yet!!!

Anyway, love to you all. xxx

glad you are ok uc

The letter sounds like a good idea and if only to clarify your own thoughts on the old relationship.

At least you are getting an ego boost from the dating - well done you.

I am trying to plaster a smile on it all - and from the outside no-one would not really know - just feel i can let you lot see my inner turmoil.

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Hi Uc. Maybe there were problems in your marriage and that left a gap, but HE filled that gap with another woman instead of talking to you and trying to sort things out.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Whatever went wrong it was not your fault he had an affair. I've been on a few dating sites too but my heart's not in it. Still its nice to know you've still 'got it'
Glad to hear TFM is OK.
HW - feel free to offload your inner turmoil onto us. You are going through a lot at the moment and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel down.
Baffy - I'm so glad you decided not to contact OW. She's very dangerous and its up to H to deal with her now.
I've had a good weekend. The boys are being lovely and I had lunch with XP while they were out with their Dad yesterday. He was sober and nice and we had a good time. He says Monday was a 'blip' and he won't let it happen again. We'll see.
I've got to the point that whatever he does or doesn't do isn't affecting me anymore. I'm really enjoying spending time with the dc and they are more than enough for me at the moment.

I have prised the kids off the computer.

Ratty in answer to your question I found out about 6 weeks ago. I made a quick decision not to leave H, although I gave him the choice. I guess I had to know that it was me that was keeping him in the family not access rights to the kids/finances. He has been really contrite, but I guess thinks that because I have made a decission to move on from it that all the anger and hurt will go away overnight.

Hugs kisses and love to you all xxx

uc on the interest from the dating web site! what an ego boost!!
and how kind of you to admit there must have been something missing to allow the ow to fill the gap. I am sure it is often true, but remember he didnt HAVE to see ow. That was HIS choice, and his failing, not yours. But I do agree that a marriage needs sorting from both sides after an affair (I have been reading too much about it!)

hw - we are here for your inner turmoil! well done for keeping a smile in rl, but dont forget to allow h to support you too.

anifran - but I guess thinks that because I have made a decission to move on from it that all the anger and hurt will go away overnight. that is the same for my h - they really need a bootup the arse dont they.

tbh I think my h is disinterested. he says one thing, then acts another. So, I am intending to meet a couple of guys from the dating site (1 that I really quite fancy has got back to me). cant be arsed to wait around for him, though am 'open' to working it out if he is. he doesnt know what to do, or how to do it, and probably isnt that keen on putting it right, otherwise I am sure he would make some kind of effort. well its his loss. but I am going to be nice as pie so he cant blame ME for it (any more than he already does anyway...)

and thanks for all your help in solving my dilemma - it is 4 for leaving him and 1 undecided !

Ratbunny - be careful re the dating other men. It might make things worse between you and your H.

Ratbunny will go look at your other thread now. As foe your issues with h i just find it hard to believe that a man who is genuinely sorry won't go that 'extra' mile to allevitate and acknowledge how down right shitty this is! I am sorry he doesn't seem to be meeting you half way. Have you had any counselling with relate ?

HW why is it when life get's too much it seems to twist about and always ends up back at 'that'. I know what you mean i do the same and can't really work out how that is at the bottom of any unhappiness even if it's unrelated. I know your h will support you and you will tell him i think you have such a great open relationship now hope your mum and dad better soon and you feel better too. Have you time to treat yourself ?

UC wow i know what you mean nice to know your still wanted by just dipping your toes in without going for a swim
about the letter though. I hope it does have the affect you want. Is he still with ow ? How are the ds with it all ?

Ginny good to see you enjoying yourself and it's about 'you' getting enjoyment from the kids or whatever. Glad you reserving judgement about Mon too!

Anifran glad you managed to talk with him. I know what you mean i gave dp 100% trust free reign , let him stay out all night. More fool me! I have learnt a harsh lesson and maybe too often was so laid back it seemed i didn't care if that makes sense But the anger needs dealing with as you feel it consuming you rather than bubbling iyswim! And i believe it's down to your other half to help you!

WW lol think i have been rapidly going off camping. at the holes in your tent ! You have great willpower tell me how to as my ironing mountain grows whilst i mnet / ebay

PC how you you quiet ?
Baffy hope you ok ?
TFM glad to know you well!

Fellow baby mums , McD Ernest hope you getting sleep

Am gearing myself up as dp goes away in a week for a week followed by further two weeks. I hate being in house on my own and the thought of managing all 3 dc's at bedtime fills me with dread!

Yup bedtime by myself is the hardest part of the day....I have a very strict routine though which is the only way I can do it - of course when LO is ill/teething and out of kilter it is a nightmare and I get very snappy with DD1
I do like my own company TBH but can be very quiet when they are both asleep - last night was watching scary movie in bed (silly me) when can you believe it ALL the lights/switches/TV tripped - luckily I keep little torch by bed for night feeds but had to go down 2 lots stairs to garage to trip switch after watching zombie movie....sometimes a man comes in use

hello again everyone.

Ginnny, I know, he did the affair, he chose to address the gap in that way, but I do recognise that there were things that I did (or mostly didn't) do which led to him feeling lonely and abandoned in his own home, where he should have felt safe and loved. I wanted to see what the gap was. I'm not saying that the gap was all my fault either, I'm just taking stock, and recognising that I do have some responsibility for some mistakes. Don't get me wrong, I am not, and will NEVER take responsibility for how he dealt with the problems, but I think it's only fair that I take responsibility for my own shortcomings. I have essentially told him what I think some of those were, and said that if I had realised I was putting my marriage at risk,I would have made time for him, which I didn't do. I have tempted him really, with the vision of what our relationship could have been, and if he choses to see it that way, what it still could be. It hasn't upset me at all, it's been quite liberating in a weird way. I haven't been posting much the last few weeks because I've been really concentrating on me, and seeing what I can learn from this, what positives I can take from it, whatever the outcome. One positive is that I can now see where I could have done better, and I won't make those mistakes again. I feel stronger for having done it, for having looked very carefully at myself. It wasn't easy, and it was quite painful, but I think if I am to avoid this happening to me again ever, with anyone, I need to learn from it. Does that make sense?

LL, yes, he's still with OW, but no idea how it's going. I really try not to think about it, and I'm doing quite well at not getting stressed about things I can't change or control, or at least, can't change by getting stressed. The DSs are getting better, although DS1 often tells me and H that he doesn't want to go, he lives with me and it's "very hard moving from house to house". He's so spot on!

RB, you're brave!! I haven't met anyone from the dating site, or even replied to any of the emails I've had. But I think I would if I thought any of them were handsome and sounded interesting!!! Take care of yourself when you meet him, and make sure you have a friend who knows where you are, and can call you with an "emergency" you must deal with if you want a way out!

OMG think i would have to have left it all off until morning
I have complete over active imagination and hate horror movies!
My whole fridge / freezer would have defrosted!
Will be the only time i am glad to have the dog.
Bedtime is 3 in bath at 7 i feed and sort dd2 whilst dp does ds and dd1 then i read one a story after settling dd2. How am i going to do that on my own Oh well will be a lesson learnt i guess and a step into the lives of all you who do it every day!

UC be careful about accepting too much blame - I did very similar to you - and accepted that I was partly to blame in our marriage problems/in him feeling uloved/in him feeling neglected and emasculated (his words)...I failed to accept how I felt .....that I also felt unloved/that I resented him/was angry and hurt and neglected....
He just took it as carte blanche that it was all my fault and to this day (more than 2 years later) I don't think he really accepts any blame for what he did (how it was my fault he got OW pregnant is beyond me ....I must have forgotten the bit where I held her down and forced him to impregnate her ).....
Honestly I was an unhappy as he was - but while I was sat at home looking on the internet for relate, for weekends away doing his favourite things, running our house and business, caring for our child, he was out lying and shagging and telling OW he loved her
He didn't even try and talk to me .....please take care of yourself and your feelings I am sorry that I seemed (to him) desperate to keep him

Hi All

It's taken me ages to catch uo with all that's been going on!

Hello UC - I know exactly how you feel. Even tho my DH has been a complete arse I still look to what I could have done/not done that might have stopped him having an affair. Think that comes from my need to put things right and fix things I am trying hard to do as my counsellor says - ie make myself unavailable - but 'tis hard to keep up all the time. Today we spent a coupl eof hours together and part of me thinks maybe I should have not allowed this but then it did feel right and I feel okay about it.

Ratbunny you are sound strong at the moment. Just make sure you are doing things (ie meeting other men) for the right reasons. Don't do something you might regret to 'point score' or make a point ot DH - not that I am saying you are and if it's def what you want then go ahead - I wish I had the guts to do it!!

Happywoman hope things are easier soon. This is going to be a testing time because you are having to put faith in DH to be there for you at a difficult time. I suppose it's an issue of trust which we all know is so difficult to do o nce it's been shaken. You do so well x

Lol at McD I would have left it all off til morning I was bad enough aftyer watching scary films when DH was here so def not going to watch any by myself!

Anifrangapani Amazed at your strength to make your decision so quickly. How are you finding it? I really couldn't imagine living with DH atm

I am feeling much better atm. DD slept from 12.45am til 6.45am! Feel so much better for that extra bit of sleep.

DH had DD for usual 2hrs this morning. When he came back he came in and we had a nice couple of hours together. All very much about DD and general chit chat. Was the first time that we have really been able to do that since I asked him to leave. Discussed a few issues such as childcare when I go back to work etc. He has agreed to come and check out a coupl eof places I have in mind and will have time off work to do this....something he wouldn't have done before - ?progress. He has also agreed to fit in around me with this.

When he was leaving I said that it was nice to spend time together being 'normal' and he agreed.

The only times we talked about 'us' was when I asked if he had read any of the book I have leant him (After The Affair) and he said that he has been reading it and it is very 'real' and agreed with me that it covers all points of view. Found it positive that he is actually reading it.

However not so positive was that when I asked if he was still txting OW and he said yes but just a few times - like that is okay . I said that if there is any chance then that has to stop now. He agreed and looked sheepish - FFS what is it with these men.

I told him that I know it's a slow process working through what has happened and working out what we both want BUT it can only take so long and I'm not prepared to be messed around. I also said that I kind of felt that by spending time together whilst he is still seeing OW - however loosly - then I feel as though He may interpret that I condone his behaviour. He said he didn't feel like that.

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Dior I know
Think part of it is because I am not saying we will def get back together...cos I really don't know.

However it makes me that he can't stop the contact to even give 'us' a chance.

I don't want to say to him ' if you give her up and make ammends and really try then I will def get back with you' but I kind of think that it may take that

UC - you sound as if you are doing really well. I was just like you, i could see where i was not the person i really wanted to be,
I too was unhappy in my marriage , but didnt really know why - asking h for support at the time was bloody useless as he was off shagging ow as his way of dealing with it all.
Anyway when i did find out and had the time on my own to really think i made a pact with myself that whatever happened i would not turn into the nasty person i had seemed to be. Just like you uc it was at times painful but i do think it has worked - not 100% of the time but then no-one is perfect. It has made me feel a lot better about myself too.
Also make sure you know in the future that you will not allow yourself to be treated so badly again by anyone.

Dior - your posts sound so much more possitive so pleased for you and long may it last.

MCD - not sure i could have been coped if elec went off in middle of night. - But i do get spooked easily.

Thanks to everyone for your support - i am hoping to catch up with friend today for a good gossip and coffee - so hopefully will feel a bit more upbeat.
It is hard to let h support me - i want to know i am capable on my own and also not let him feel i am punishing him all the time. It is a difficult balance.

MacD - I remember so well how snappy I was with the boys, especially at bedtime, when you're so tired How's dd2? Is the teething causing her a lot of pain?

Dior, I'm so pleased it's going so well with your dh. 19.5 lb - wow, well done, am v. impressed. Must start thinking of pulling my finger out. My target date to reach my goal weight is 15th december. I just haven't set a target date for starting yet.

Had disasterous weekend - went to school welcome picnic at someone (parent from school we don't know) and I as usual got lumbered with the kids, then dh, sat at other end of same table talking to a woman (beautiful, smart, make up etc, me haggard, scabby old clothes and fat as a post natal hefferlump). After 15 minutes of having no one to talk to (boys gone off to play) watching him talking to (flirting?) with this woman I lost it ans nearly burt into tears ( mainly angry) bringing back all the crap memories of last year. So I stompde off. ANyway, I came back, we left picnic, had row where he having massive go at me. I have go at him for being insensitive. Think we make up, but I go to be & he stays up til x o'clock drinking. SO yesterday, he's in bad all day with huge hangover.

Is it always going to be like this? I never used to be a jealous person. In fact, that's probably how he managed to have such a long and fun affair, cos he'd go out & I'd be totally fine with it.

And today, he's been a total arse with the boys. In fact 99% of our arguments are parenting. I'm def not a great mum, but he is bloody unbelievable with the boys. If he was not their dad I'd definitels have booted him out years ago. I would not allow anyone else to treat them how he does, but I can't seem to get through to him. How do you deal with such differences of parenting or when you have a real problem with what the other does?

Oh ernest - i know where you are coming from i really do.
My h is a flirt too but now he understands how much that hurts me especially if i have to witness it.

How about getting some counselling together - it really did help us get through.

Dont really know what else to suggest - you are obvioulsy very tired with new baby and boys - and if you are not feeling too good about yourself either, it makes everything so much worse.

Ask yourself if you really want to make a go of the marriage and if you really think he does. it is ok to still talk about what you both want and i feel from your posts that you have given an awful lot to make this work for you and for him and his career.
It is also ok to not be over it yet - our counsellor said it would take between 2 and 5 years - and i have to admit there are times when i think i cant go on and not sure if i want to continue with the hard bits anymore.

I think too you need to actually tell him what you find unacceptable now - i again i know how hard that is as you dont want to appear as the horrid boring wife who does not let him off the leash.
I am no longer happy with my h going to lunches with only one female anymore - i dont think it is necessary either - if it is work then they can have a meeting in the office!
It took me a long time to tell him this - he was not at all upset and said if it made me feel more comfortable he would do it.

I would not be at all happy to see him flirting - and he is much more aware of the dangers and so is not so comfortable either.

Hope you can work it out - you can always email me if you need to.

You should not have to put up with this and know that you only need to stay in the marriage if you are getting what you need out of it too.

Just looked up counsellor & She has same 1st name as OW, so googled OW & got tons of hits, inc facebook & professional profiles, she's sosuccessful & smiley and she's ruined my ife and -----i feel so and her and him between them.

I can't even leave for a breather as boys just started back at school, or Kindergarten & I've got nowhere to go to anyway.

come on ernest - are you feeling just a bit down at the moment.

I am going to email you now.

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you are right doir - but i think it is not about him getting up to anything it is about the respect.
He should understand that ernest feels uncomfortable and instead flirt with her - make her feel so special.

I know how ernest feels - as she does not want to been seen as the posessive wife. But this is still early days and he should understand that for the foreseeable future he needs to put ernests needs before his own.

Lets just hope it was a one off and he just had a slip and will make it all up to you today.

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