Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

[UC]

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

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Baffy - Of course you are feeling down, not so long ago you were thinking of reconcilliation and once again its all come crashing down. I wish I knew the answer to your problems, I really do. Is there any way you can cut down your hours/work from home or even take a career break so you get to spend more time with ds. At least till he starts school? Good idea to take off for a break somewhere uncontactable. You need to spend some quality time with him, he'll lift your spirits, bless him.
MacD - at BJ story. Just shows how little dignity or morals these OW have, to give him the BJ after seeing that he asked you first - YUK!
MHIS & Ratbunny - You are doing really really well.

Hi everyone, especially the Newbies. Haven't been near a computer for a week and still haven't caught up on all of you, but great to hear from Ernest. What's TFM up to these days?

Baffy, I salute you. Your description of the summit meeting last week had me rivetted. You have been incredibly brave. I would have been so tempted to waver, sitting there listening to him saying what you wanted to hear for so long, and then walking away. I KNOW you will be happy, and you will find someone who loves you as much as you so deserve (well, actually, I wonder if this man has actually been born yet !) You are amazing. I actually feel a little bit sorry for OW as she is so young and messed up. She will try to cling onto GW, and she will either lose him or be miserable with him, knowing he does not really love her. And the poor, poor child !

Well, DP's tour is over & we came home last night. Had a bit of a talk at his mum's the other night, and he said that he's moved on a bit from the early summer, when he dreaded coming home and dreaded seeing me. He said he was actually looking forward to being home again. . Also said he can't believe how horrible he's been to me, and finding it difficult to understand how I've been able to forgive him. I said I hadn't really appreciated being told to f** off, but that it wasn't really a matter of forgiving him - it was just that I knew how low he'd been at the time and that I understood that people sometimes say terrible things to the people they love, when they're at such a low ebb. However, he needs to understand all this as otherwise he still sees himself as a dreadful bad person and me as some forgiving angel, and he may find it hard to live with an angel! We're both looking forward to Relate as hopefully this is one of the things we can explore...

Our first evening went ok, though he did stay up all night watching the wretched US election stuff - but he's being very affectionate so I am optimistic.

Selection panel for the council tonight - wish me luck! Got to go - will try to catch up more later

Just back from counselling - feel as though in the past few days I've taken 3 steps forward and 15 backwards

My counsellor agrees that there is a definite change in how I am this week to last week nad it's not for the better. Think it's partly to do with lack of decent sleep but mainly to do with how I am feeling about situation with DH

I've been going over my conversation with DH both in my head and with counsellor and realise that a lot of what he was saying (both in conversation and in his email)was about him and how he feels and really it should be about me and how I feel and how he can make it up to me.

Just feel despondant and as though I can't carry on any longer so sad and tired.

MHIS - so sorry {{{{hugs}}}}. Nothing much to suggest - except be kind to yourself. Try to wind down, do something nice for yourself, get some sleep, see or talk to sympathetic RL friends if possible. I know it's easy to say that, and you CAN't sleep when you're tormented by thoughts. Did the counsellor suggest any way forward for now?

Just what you have said and no talking with DH - She said these kind of convos need to be short and not that often at the moment. If at all avoid them for my own well being

Feeling a bit let down by my RL best friend. I have an appt at for my DD tomorrow and she said that she would come with me for support (her suggestion)as she knew I was upset and stressed about it. Granted it is short notice as I have managed to get a cancellation but she has said that she can't come as she has agreed to meet someone else tomorrow Thing is I txt and left a msg last night for her and she only replied this afternoon after she had not turned up at a baby class we go to together

oh lack of sleep is due to fully breastfed DD being on a growth spurt more than an overactive mind

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Dior - Thanks I know to expect it nad I try to prepare myself but it always hits me like a bolt from the blue

First things first thanks for all your help with dd it's good to know i have so many sound advice boards !

Baffy but it is bloody bloody shit and all your hopes and dreams have changed , not gone but different.
You should never think any of us are sick of you as we all now given a chance you would do the same for any of us.
No matter what we say we can't change the huge amount of grieving you have to do now. But at least it's over. Two years of uncertainty , hope , fighting no wonder you feel empty and exhausted.
You are a wonderful strong woman who has so so much more than your h and ow will ever have. Take care.

McD how are things ? You still sound so any joy on the flat ? Thanks for help with dd i didn't go to walk in listened to you. Would have been waste of time as got abs anyway just needed a sound ear so thanks

PC glad to know h still seeing dd. How are things with you and him ?

MHIS i think the best piece of advice is to do things from the heart. I hate to hear you say you don't want to get it wrong or mess it up. You are human and there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. We have all responded very differently and all got different outcomes. However not saying don't ask here for some advice first PC'S was excellent!

Ginny hows things with p ? Still keeping busy ?

LL good news about h job that made things sooo much easier for us. Can't believe she was at not getting invite!

Dior was it weigh in again tonight ? How you doing am in awe you have dones so long i have never stuck to a diet for more than couple of months!

Ernest it's so to hear how cruel men can be. How are you settling into things now ? How old is lo ? I found it quite hard after the newborn stage was wearing off and the tiredness kicked in and getting ratty with dp!

WW how you ? Relief at school hols over ? Speaking of which why is TFM not back ?

Ani lol we have spoken of a commune i think at some time!

HW how are you doing ? Think MHIS could do with some of your fab advice!

Tannee hope you ok ?

Ratbunny you too

Sorry if missed anyone!

Well i just about over our ordeal. Basically didn't go to walk in then typically dd get's up and howls the house down. Take her over to neighbour who is nurse who agrees to leave until morn rather than attempt a and e. DD barely slept and in the end i sent dp downstairs at 3am so we could have cuddles in bed.Take her to docs with matchsticks in my eyes and she has been bitten by god knows what but has got abs and ab cream. She know has a large red swelling with a big black scab in it and a black eye Thankfully abs seem to be working she was bit happier today and has been asleep since 7!
I am never going bloody camping again have been put off for life!

Just had my panel - aaah wos horrible. Not sure I want to do this. Going home to a Thai curry.

Oh and good luck for election tonight Tannee fingers crossed!

Ahh Lily poor LO am hoping she is on the mend now tis horrid when they are ill and howl and nothing you can do to help and are sleep deprived yourself....IME there is very little that can't wait for morning as my thoughts are if they are ill enough to need to be seen they probably need to be in and you may as well go to A+E ....but would always say go with your instinct as mine was pretty spot on when DD2 had septicaemia ....hope you all get some sleep
MHIS hon you are OVERTHINKING this - there is no wrong or right and no guaranteed outcomes wither way ....

oh Dior forgot to say - you look amazing You looked fine and very beautiful before but you do look fab now
Am a bit TBH am nearly up to my fattest and just can't stop eating!!
Has TFM left us, is she ok????

I know I overthink one of my worst qualities - I over analyse and worry too much

It's just that I so don't want to do the wrong thing for ME or DD whether that is taking DH back too soon and it being wrong, saying the wrong thing or not taking him back when I should ect etc. I don't know what to do for the best so I think I will just go with my heart like you say.

Going to get an early(ier) night tonight and plan to do some relaxation/yoga to help me calm my mind. Then next week I'm going to have a massage and maybe a facial too!!

Thanks everyone! x

Thanks MCD just saying to dp how lovely it is to come on and see well wishes from people we have never met but know so much about us!
MHIS i do the same i know what you mean but you can't do it wrong yeah maybe you would look back and change things but hindsight is a wonderful thing!Is your dd the same age as mine and McD then ? I am still having mare getting her to go longer than 4 hours and wondering if it's time to stop bf I and she likes it but not every few hours in the night!

Hi Lilyloo - Think DD is on a growth spurt atm. Got appt with dietician tomorrow to discuss her weight so hopefully she will be able to give me some ideas on fillingher up better inthe day so I can get more sleep!

Glad your DD is okay!

Halloo - have had my Thai curry and some wine & feel better. Am really not sure why I put myself through that. It went on for nearly an hour and a half & I really don't think I'm political enough for them! But you never know, my worst interviews have often gotten me in - I thought I did really badly when I applied for my degree course at UCL, but they accepted me - same thing happened when with at least one job. But I feel like if it's meant to be, it will be - and if they put me forward, I'll have to do some sort of mini hustings on Saturday - which I REALLY don't fancy. DP said I could always decline - he doesn't want me to feel I have to do this for us. Well, I'll hear tomorrow.

Anyway, enough of me. Dior, you look fabulous, and well done on the weight loss. Personally, I thought you looked fabulous before - but if it helps get DH back in the mood if you lose weight, and you are happy to do that, so be it.

MHIS - I'm not sure there is a right or wrong way - you have to do what feels right for you. I personally think that communication should be kept open - you can do that without giving him the impression that you're falling over yourself to get him back. It sounds like he needed to talk, and you have listened but still let him know a little of what you need and feel, without being needy. Next time, it should be your turn. And I do think he needs to stop all contact with OW before you can move on together.

Lily, how is DD? sounds like a horrible bite - horse fly?

I'm logging off now to look at a really weird little joke site set up by one of the girls in DP's theatre co. It's based on one of the minor characters in the play, who was built up as a joke by DP and a fellow actor, and who has now achieved a life of his own. If anyone fancies a bizarre experience, try logging onto ilovetrev.tk and let me know what you make of it! There are some particularly fine photos!

MHIS - try not to worry about doing the right or wrong thing. Even if you do the most awful things (like your dp has) if it is meant to be then it will work out.

During our darkest times we both said some pretty foul things to each other.

I was pretty awful too - but my h has since said that actually i needed to get all my venom out and if i sometimes did it in the wrong way it did not matter - he still wanted to make a go of it.

Go with your heart if you want him back - but also dont feel bad if once you have it you change your mind.

He has to understand that your world has been turned upsidedown and it will take a while before you know what you want now - and if he wants it to work he will wait for you anyway.

Good luck

Sorry havent had time to catch up with everything - and another busy day.

wow Dior, you actually look really different, and I think younger as well as slimmer. Am . I have actually gained weight since the birth (Tiredness-fuelled sugar binging) WHat are you doing to lose it? You are doing brilliantly.

Tanee, hello and good luck

MHIS, you poor thing, I don't envy you being at the start of the road that I and so many have walked down, but the pain will ease. I never thought it would, but it did and it does and it will for you. Try not to think too much (a problem I also have) and try not to think too far foraward ( or back) xx

gotta run, neglecting post-op ds (bad mum)

Hi again

MCD - can i email you and ask you some medical stuff please?
Also completely understand how you must feel about that incident - are you thinking more now because you have moved on a bit?
I have found i have far less venom for ow now and in fact i think it is h that has it - still not sure why that is though .
Its as if the tables have turned and i can honestly say that although i would still like to prove to her that i am better than her, i would not be nasty and could not see me even wanting to cause a scene now.
There was a do at work recently and h said that if she was going he would not go (we went together), i was actually quite cross as i think him and others at work think i am going to cause a scene - i just wish they would understand that i want to get back to normal and that is not pussy footing around making sure what guests are there. I suppose i was cross as i have/had to accept that they still work for the same firm yet it still meant that things are not normal iyswim.
I would like to see her if only to prove to myself that my anger has subsided.

Hello to everyone else

Morning and thanks (again!) for all your comments.

Feeling much better today. DH picked up DD and was pleasant enough. We kept conversation to a minimum and nothing about 'us'.

HW - I think one of my problems is that I find it very hard to get completely angry with DH partly for fear of pushing him furtehr away and/or finding out even less about what has happened.

RatBunny - are you okay?

MHIS - that is a natural fear of pushing him away - but by supressing your anger you are storing up trouble and resentment for the future.
Unfortunately the men know this and will put the guilt back onto you if you do try and have your say.
But it also makes them feel safe and as if they have got away with it lightly iyswim.
Catch 22 - that is why i urge you to do what YOU want now.
You will not be able to 'control' what he does and that is a scarey thought in itself.

But if after some time to think you feel you really do want to give it another go then you must go for it - but first you must deal with these feelings of anger and frustration - as you will not want to bring them into the new relationship.

I think the only way to get rid of them is to accept that your relationship is over and that you will be able to have a new independent life without him. The prize is then that he will actually want you and be doing everything to show you that.

It is hard but i do feel that the quicker you get to that position - the more chance there is for you to get back together. But it takes for him to do his bit too - a marriage is only working if both people are willing to work at it.

You are scared to let go of the control you feel you have for fear of rejection again, but if he does reget you then surely the quicker you get to that point the quicker you will be able to move forward.

I really do feel for you - the living in limbo is so hard and your head just has a thousand unanswered questions.

Dont be afraid to ask him what he wants but just like you - he may not yet know - you are wanting him to commit to you and yet you are scared to offer him your heart again to have it shattered again.

If you are true to yourself - he will see that and can only repect you for it.

Wish you all the best and thinking about you.

MHIS
He is probably just as scared of you getting angry - i am sure he knows he is in the wrong and in his own way is in pain - he also knows that he will have to face your anger one day but again in their own sweet manly way think that it may just get forgotten (this is after asking my h lots of questions btw). If it is brushed under the carpet maybe it will go away.

He also may be scared of you rejecting him now.

There are no rules - just do what your heart says and know that you have done nothing wrong in all this.