Page 26 | Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

UC · 2008-07-31T21:16:48+00:00

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

Baffy · 03/09/2008 19:45

Thanks macd I'm in a bad way. But I'm not starting on here cause I'll never stop!

I'll be fine

macdoodle · 03/09/2008 19:53

oh hon, I really feel for you - I have been there and I know how hard it is ...you know you can vent here I think it is better than keeping it all in
You can ring or text me I will listen and understand and trust me I have had the dark thoughts nothing will shock me

Anifrangapani · 03/09/2008 20:07

Thanks for the welcome.

Mhis - sound as if you are really similar to me. I made a decision early on, within hours, that I was going to give our mariage a 2nd chance. So I decided that I was going to forgive him and try to trust him again. I try not to look back and he has cut all contact with OW. We live in a small village so it has been difficult to avoid her. He also cut all ties with some other female friends in the village so that I would feel more secure. They have all been queuing up to tell me that they think that he has behaved like an arse and will break his balls on my behalf if he tries it again, so that is reasuring. To give him his due he ran into OW today and told me about it. he thinks I am pissed off about it so is now sending me love notes across the table via Gmail chat.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there is a way through....although those revenge fantasies are fantastic.

Anifrangapani · 03/09/2008 20:09

Baffy - rants are good.

Baffy · 03/09/2008 20:10

Thanks so much. You've been a great friend. You all have.

But there's just nothing else to say. I put my heart and soul into that marriage for 15 years. Just as we had the lovely home, careers sorted, started life as a family, and most importantly, had each other, he threw it all away.

I've given every ounce of strength I have to this whole situation. And now I have to sit back and watch some 20 year old kid, who has her whole life ahead of her, have a child that I should be having. Have the support, love and attention that I should be having. Because it's all with my husband.

I'm sorry. I know that sounds f*cked up. I'm not a total basket case I promise. I know their relationship is a sham. They'll never be happy. And she's welcome to him.

But where does that leave me. It doesn't matter whether they live happily ever after or kill each other til the day they die. It's not about them is it. It's about me. Me being a single mum. With no home. Abandonded by the one person who stood up in front of 150 people and promised to love, honor and cherish me until the day I die.

We worked so hard in our twenties. To get where we wanted. To have the future we wanted and be able to have children and give them the best lives possible. By now, my dreams of having lots of children in a secure happy house with a mum and dad who loved them, should be coming true.

But what are the chances of that happening now... chances of me even getting to see ds grow up with the 50 hour weeks I'm working to scrape the deposit together for a home...
not very high

And it's pointless to be sad. Or grieve. Or get angry. Because what will it change. Nothing

So it's all the way. Because there is no other choice left. I guess this is what my life has dealt me and this is the life I have to live. Just have to get on with it don't I xx

Baffy · 03/09/2008 20:11

x posts Anifrangapani

that's the last rant I'll do though - promise

MyHeadIsSpinning · 03/09/2008 20:30

Thanks Baffy - Sending you hugs hope you feel stronger soon x

I do think it would help you to post tho - this thread has kept me sane today

Baffy · 03/09/2008 20:38

Thanks MHIS

I've ranted for 2 years on here now though and I think everyone's sick of it! Time for me to pull my stupid self together and move on

Anifrangapani · 03/09/2008 20:38

Baffy it will change. Life is like that. You may meet someone who treats you like you should be treated or what more likely, you will see that you are a strong person and you are getting through it. I think that a strong parent is the single best thing you can give your children, and you certainly seem to be that person. You don't need to have a house that is bought if it is making you unhappy. Rent one - it is no different than renting one from the bank, which is what we are doing.

Can you hear the hippy in me

Baffy · 03/09/2008 20:47

Thanks Anifrangapani

I know what you mean. I think it's more the fact that 2 years ago I had a beautiful home and only 18 years left on the mortgage. Now I have nothing, no husband, and a deposit that will get me nowhere in the house market the way it is at the moment. Not to mention that buying something like the house I had would be way out of my league now. Never mind the length of mortgage I'd need.

And if that stupid selfish twunt had left me in my home instead of pretending we were moving house so he could get a quick exit to be with his bit on the side, I could have afforded that mortgage on my own

I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Like why should I have to bring ds up alone. Why do I have to work all the hours god sends and miss out on my baby's most precious years, when all around me women have husbands who love and care for them and share those burdens. So that they have the opportunity to take their children to school. Something which I may never get to do If it wasn't for my mum I have no idea how I'd even do this.

Sorry. Turning into a rant again. Going to shut up

Baffy · 03/09/2008 21:01

Btw please don't worry if I go awol for a few days now. Thinking of packing up, calling in sick and getting away with ds for a few days. Somewhere where there's NO phone signal

Don't talk too much without me xx

macdoodle · 03/09/2008 21:05

Bugger just wrote long message and computer ate it - obviously I am not supposed to rant tonight
Baffy not sick of you at all rant away if it helps x
Come to Wales !!!! You could stay here and then disappear into rural West Wales def no phone signal there

Anifrangapani · 03/09/2008 21:07

Ranting is good.

I know how you where you are comming from about the deception and lies. I am a bit of a silver lining kind of person SO: If you had been toghether would you have been happy or would you have drifted apart and felt that your life was unfulfilled but, felt a heel for thinking that? I know I have been through shit, but I look at it and think if that hadn't been the case I wouldn't be the person I am now. And I quite like me. My H stays at home and looks after the kids so I know how it feels to get home from work and see the kids for an hour (if that) before they are in bed, and then do the housework, only to get up in the morning to do it all again. Look at what you are achieving and feel proud of you. You are providing home, food, love and a fantastic role model for your ds. He is going to grow up respecting you ( and other women because of it). What your ExH is doing cannot take your achievement away from you. Good on you xxx

MyHeadIsSpinning · 03/09/2008 21:19

Baffy I feel exactly the same which is why I think I am not completely walking away from my marriage

MyHeadIsSpinning · 03/09/2008 21:31

opps Baffy I'm not saying that you are wrong for walking away! far from it I think for you now that is the only option.

For me only time will tell whether we can make it work. I'm hoping some good will come out of this but at the moment it's difficult to imagine that any could

Anifrangapani · 03/09/2008 21:33

BAffy you are welcome here... phone signal is rubbish here.

ratbunny · 03/09/2008 21:40

need strength please..
h came over. ineeitaby started talking. he wants to hug me. it came out that only last week he was kissing her. I CANNOT TOUCH HIM. not yet. I cant go through that rejection again, opening myself up for more pain.
told him he should go. he stormed off.
he just doesnt get it. doesnt get that he needs to prove he is trustworthy etc. cannot see how much he has hurt me.

what do I do?!
I am still open to us. but I cant get my hopes up. I dont know if we will ever work, but we wont while he makes demands of me, while not understanding how I feel.
I want ot cut myself off AGAIN, but I still love him. but I cant be rejected AGAIN.

ratbunny · 03/09/2008 21:40

need strength please..
h came over. ineeitaby started talking. he wants to hug me. it came out that only last week he was kissing her. I CANNOT TOUCH HIM. not yet. I cant go through that rejection again, opening myself up for more pain.
told him he should go. he stormed off.
he just doesnt get it. doesnt get that he needs to prove he is trustworthy etc. cannot see how much he has hurt me.

what do I do?!
I am still open to us. but I cant get my hopes up. I dont know if we will ever work, but we wont while he makes demands of me, while not understanding how I feel.
I want ot cut myself off AGAIN, but I still love him. but I cant be rejected AGAIN.

MyHeadIsSpinning · 03/09/2008 21:50

((((ratbunny))))
You are doing the right thing by not lettin ghim back in too son. My DH wanted a hug the other week as you know and I said no. It was the right thing to do.

He should be comforting you not the other way round

Anifrangapani · 03/09/2008 21:52

I guess I was lucky H realised that he was being a fuckwit quite quickly after I found out the true extent of his stupidity, so cut all contact with OW.

I guess ratty I would tell him to eff off until he can keep his dick dry. Sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes it is like bringing up toddlers. They have to know where the boundries are. If he isn't willing to make that decision then cut him off and start moving on without him. It is hard, but you never know he may come to his senses. I am so angry on your behalf xxx

macdoodle · 04/09/2008 00:06

I was sat once with OW (I met with her twice)...my phone beeped was message from H - dirty asking for BJ ...we had been trying to get "spark back"...I showed her then sent him text telling him to eff off until he could prove to me that he wasn't seeing her ....within minutes her phone beeped with exactly the same text (he didn't even bother to write new one just forwarded it to her)....

ErnestTheBavarian · 04/09/2008 06:08

OMG macD that would be hilarious if it wasn't so heartbreaking for you, iyswim. How did OW react? At least it was clear you were 1st choice & she was just the backup plan, not that that is such a great feeling when he's screwed you over so badly.

Baffy, no one's sick of you ranting. Blimey, you've got plenty of reason to, and the final cut was only just last week or so, so still new. It's so unfair that someone else, (especially when that peson is supposed to be the one you can love & trust more tahn anyone) changes your life forever and has such a massive and total impact on everything. I remember so clearly the hideous feeling of being totally out of my own control and at his mercy. But now you've taken that very brave decision to finally walk away, you at least regain a huge amaount of that control.

I hope this will give you hope -

My mum was married young, had me, then sister v. close together. Living in teeny flat with no running water - had to handwash everything, even nappies! Supported my dad - put him through university the lot. The he f*cks off, no maintenance, no contact, nothing. She trains as an accountant. I still remember her studying hard every evening after work. Anyway, she now has her own business, is married to someone who would do anything for her, she has the home she wants in the place she chose. It was really hard work, but she was focussed, driven & God knows how, but she didn't let that arse mess up her life. And he? well, he's a waste of space too. I met him once as an adult - he turned up wearing a jade green early 80's style suit puke (it was 1997) so him shitting allover her spurred her on to the life she wanted, and he stayed in jade green suits still being an arse for all those years.

You will get through this and have a great future with your lovely ds xx

MacD - am confused. Thought you were in Scotland - you in Wales now?

ratbunny & MHIS - be brave, you will come through this. They are so stupid. They find it so hard to break w. OW. I remember telling my dh that he had to break off all contact with the OW, it was a deal breaker. He wanted to keep up with her in case it didn't work out with us!!! I pointed out that trying to re build his marriage while keeping a slag on the side wasn't really going to work. That genuinely hadn't seem to have occurred to him. I told him it was like an addiction, and you can't get free of eg heroin, if you still indulge every now & then. He had to make a total break. All or nothing. That seemed to make sense to him more than just explaining I didn't want him to see her iyswim.

Wishing everyone a good day xxx

macdoodle · 04/09/2008 08:01

She went and gave him his BJ I later discovered God I must be such an idiot
Nope Ernest always been in Wales

ErnestTheBavarian · 04/09/2008 08:04

yuk. Nice for you to find out too. And I think you'll find she's the idiot, not you. What a horrible way to live your life (them both, NOT you)

MyHeadIsSpinning · 04/09/2008 08:28

Morning everyone!

MacDoodle - urrghh that story just shows how little respect the OW has.

Ratbunny - How are you this morning? Hope you feel okay.

Thanks for your comments Ernest.

I'm trying to stay strong. Off to see my counsellor this morning and have plans for the afternoon before DH picks up DD this evening. I am out whilst he has her so will be going straight out when he arrives so no chance to talk if he tries and when he brings DD back it will be just hand over as it will be her bath/bed time. Just hope I can hold it together.

Seeing my counsellor gives me strength and I know I have to remain focussed and not get into conversation with him about 'us' at the moment whilst he sorts himself out.

I just hope that he is finally taking things seriously and does drop the OW and start to make ammends. Just all the stories onhere about your DH still seeing OW is scary.