Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

[UC]

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

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LOL - if the dog thinks shes superior I just roll her on her back and she knows im the alpha!

Lol at the comparisions to animals TBH I think be some of the things our blokes have done are so horrible it is unfair on even cockroaches to be comapred to them!

DH has replied to my email.

He agreed that the conversation was productive but said that he felt we need to be careful not to go off at a tangent and end up in an arguement.

He states that he knows he needs to make changes and stop(seeing OW)/start(making more of an effort) doing certain things and that he realises that atm he is not giving me what I deserve. He said that he is moving forward but that it is a slow process and the time apart is helping.

He agrees that the things he has done so far are small gestures but he has not done more because he hasn't known 'where we are' and didn't want to risk rejection.

He said that he does want to resolve things in the best possible way.

He said that he has been thinking about us lots and he is sorry for what he has done and he admires me for how I have coped with everything especially looking after DD and he isn't sure if it had been the other way round he could have coped.

I'm going to reply that I agree we have to be careful that we don't go round in circles which is why I think any future conversations should have a time limit on them to stop us getting to caught up and loosing focus. I am seeing him tomorrow because he is picking DD up after work. Don't want to have a conversation about us then tho as I think it is too soon we need some more space.

MHIS, don't be in too much of a rush to reply to his emails.

Let what he has said sink in a bit and then reply.

At this stage I'd suggest just keeping it reasonably light in response to what he has said. I wouldn't start making "time-table" type suggestions, it feels too regimented.

You've both learned a lot in the last 24 hours and acknowledged each other's points of view and all from a spontanious conversation.

TBH, I'd just respond in an hour or so and say "I'm glad we are able to talk like this again and I appreciate your sentiment with regard to dd".

Then let tomorrow be "normal" without any major emotional overtones etc. You need a bit of time to process the last 24 hours before rushing on to the next bit!

paddlechick - too late I have replied - it was 2hrs after his reply tho....

I think I might have said too much but not a lot I can do now it's sent

Basically I thanked him for his reply. Agreed that we need to move forward and not go round in circles which is why I think a time limit on conversations could be a way forward.

I said that I appreciated his honesty as it is the single most important thing to me in all of this.

I have reiterated that I can't give him any promises about the future but he knows what he needs to do to make ammends and that actions speak louder than words.

Think it may sound a bit controlling now (suggesting the time limit and saying that he knows what he needs to do to make ammends) I've read it back - oh feck.

It came from the heart and I thought I was doing the right thing by replying.....when will I ever learn and get this thing right

don't beat yourself up. there are no right or wrong ways to deal with any of this.

at least it was a couple of hours after he emailed you

leave it at that for now even if he does email back. try to make tomorrow amicable but also superficial and about dd not you two - ie: nothing too deep.

i have had this experience so many times when H has opened up and I've taken things a step further than I should have and it's made him run for the hills again.

my situ is a bit different in that H had a nervous breakdown and went awol several times aobut 3yrs ago and we are now seperated.

in fact, i am still learning how to communicate with him but the good thing is that he is communicating back to me which hasn't happened in about 3yrs!

he's had a bad patch recently and my response is "but you're so much better than this time last year/the year before/the year before that" and he actually told me that sort of thing tends to de-rail him as it instantly reminds him of how awful it all was and how terrible his behavious has been. this then makes him feel he doesn't deserve anything good and that he only deserves shit etc etc.

i wish he'd told me earlier that my sort of "you're doing great" motivational comments were more likely to send back to the black hole!!!!

Thanks Paddlechick.

Think I am stressing cos I have done the opposite to what my counsellor suggested I know she isn't the be all and end all and she isn't 'right' but she does have a lot of experience and I don't want to have ruined the good work I have put in over the past 6 weeks.

Ladies just to let you know dd on the mend swelling going down and she got abs and ab cream but had awful night last night think got 3 hours sleep so haven't caught up sorry for no personals But thanks to all for advice much appreciated!

Glad to hear she is on the mend Lilyloo

Glad to hear she is on the mend Lilyloo

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glad dd getting better lily- hope you get a good night.

pc, so dh is communicating more? Is he seeing dd?

MHIS, sounds like your dh is saying a lot of the right things. I guess taking your time and thinking tings through carefully. I always regret I think taking my dh back too quickly. I never really felt he really felt sorryregretted it, so I think that has caused additional insecurity even now. Don't (necessarily) need teard begging and grovelling on knees. But it would've been good

Thanks Dior - I am a stresshead by nature and worry over the little things so something as enormous as this is really challenging for me. Also atm there are some concerns over DD's health - nothing major atm but some potential problems because of her prematurity and I am having to deal with this on my own which is hard.

He hasn't replied to my email but suppose no real need to as no questions asked. Will be pleasant tomorrow but no conversation about us.

Last night for the first time DH said that he realised I can't make any promises about the future and he accepts that. When we last spoke he said he didn't want to try in case it was a waste of time and wouldn't take him back etc. He also accepts that if we ever do get back together I may not be able to cope with everything and it may not work out with all the best will and effort in the world.

I think the big fear he has is rejection and he has said that this has stopped him putting the effort in so far. But he now realises that he needs to stop seeing OW and to put that effort in.

I suppose I have to sit back now and see if he can put that effort in to prove to me he is truely sorry for what he has said and done and that he is willing to make ammends so we can see if we do have a future.

Just feels so alien not being with or being able to talk normally to the person I have spent the past 14yrs with and the whole of my teenage and adult life

The need for a cuddle from him despite what he has done is sometimes overwhelming but at the same time the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl after what he has done

If we do make a go of it how do you get over the whole 'sex' issue? Is it possible to make love without thinking of him with the OW constantly?

mhis, I can totally relate to what you said about the cuddle - I felt exactly the same. And as for sex, tough. sometimes I still think about what they did together, esp as my dh told m(in not so many words) how orgasmic & fantastic OW was in bed

Thanks Ernest. We are both taking our time I suppose. DH doesn't want to make the wrong decision as much as I don't which I suppose is good, but like you say apologising and begging for forgiveness wouldn't go amiss

How soon did you take your DH back? I suppose I'm just impatient and hate game playing- which it often feels like. I'm the kind of person who hates to go to bed on an argument and would much rather sort things out in one fell swoop. I realise that sadly I can't do this with an affair and whatever the outcome it is going to take a long time to resolve and come out the other side

Ernest - why are men so cruel? I haven't asked if she is better than me because whatever he answers it will crush me unless it is an absolute NO and I don't think it would be

I think he thought he was doing me a favour Decided then was a good time to suddenly become honest and truthful.

After I found out, I made him stay in a hotel for a week, but then et him come back home. I do wish I'd made him sweat more, a bit of begging & pleading wouldn't've gone amiss. But I felt, and still do, that it was the right decision.

I missed how long you dh affair was, and how long ago you found out?

DH says it started just after DD was born - Dec last year so 8mths. Although DH reckons it has pretty much stopped since I found out in May.

I was suspicious from early Feb and then he satrted saying that he wasn't sure if he loved me enough to stay blah blah blah.

i actually found out mid May that he was seeing her and only found out it was sexual about 4 wks ago - after I had kicked him out.

He has ben living at his parents since I kicked him out at the end of July. I am not ready for him to move back in, not sure if we can ever get to that stage and he feels the same. At the moment we both need space.

MHIS I am lurking and you are being wonderfully strong - I don't want to barge in because I am afraid I am still so negative and bitter - when I found out and kicked H out I filed for divorce pretty quickly and then H started grovelling and begging - I took him back pretty quickly and believed him (I guess I was desperate for him to want ME ).....
He then proceeded to play me and her for 6 months - those 6 months were horrific far far worse than the actual affair
I have no idea what was in his mind - he still swears (2 years later) that he always wanted me/to come home but he couldn't manage to finish with her/he felt sorry for her/she stalked him (somewhat true having witnessed some of it myself)....but ti culminated somewhere around our anniversary (he took me out made a big performance of giving me back my rings and putting his back on)...I truly believed then that we had a chance ...a month later I found out she was pregnant conceived that month I have no doubt she did it on purpose in desperation but the fact remains while he was promising me the earth, he was still sleeping with her
And though we have been seperated ever since, we are still not divorced , and he still thinks we will get back together, we are amicable (most of the time) but I will never take him back - he damaged my trust forever and of course she will never be out of his life now ...I need/want a divorce and he is resisting
Anyway sorry for that long ramble, I guess what I am trying to say is.....do NOT play yourself short, you deserve him to do everything (like HW and maturers and LL's H's) he needs to prove to you that YOU are his priority whatever it takes and you need to believe that......it can work if he tried and so do you....but it can also turn into a nightmare (like me and Baffy) stuck in some sort of never ending hell.....I wish I had been firmer clearer what I wanted and needed and make him work harder make him prove it to me......
And most importantly it is about you, what you want - like some of us have discovered you may not even want him or be able to live with what he has done....that is not a failing

hi ernest, yes communication with H has been gradually improving since around April.

lily, so pleased dd is on the mend. it's always so scary isn't it.

MHIS, honestly i think you're doing brilliantly.

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Thanks Paddlechick and MacDoodle.

Macdoodle - I'm so sorry that things didn't work out with you and DH All comments and points of view do really help whether positive or not

I am certainly in no rush to take DH back and he knows this. I think enough has been said atm and like you all say it's time to reflect and sit back. This afternoon I have felt more upset and annoyed that he has still been kissing (and god knows what else)OW and I can only hope that through the talk last night, more space and hopefully reading the book I have lent him he can start to sort himself out and remove himself completely from the OW.

Then and only then can we even begin to look at whether we have a future and maybe couple counselling. He has said in his email and last night that he knows he has to stop contact with OW and that he wants to do this.

He is also now saying he will start showing me he is changing etc

The thought of being in this limbo forever really does scare me though so I am trying so hard not to mess this up.

Lots of thinking and careful action is what I feel is the best strategy - just difficult to remember that sometimes

Bloody hell you guys can talk

Lily I'm glad dd is ok.

MHIS you're doing great and PC's advice is brilliant. FWIW I think your counsellor is very wrong. Adult discussion about a way forward is not 'giving in' or 'breaking' too soon. You could take months or years to actually feel at a stage where you're ready to give the relationship a go again. But in the meantime you're grown adults who've spent many years together and have a child. Why push him away into someone else's arms when some frank and open conversation could pave the way to a future together.
You needed to talk to him. And I'm glad you did! It's a step in the right direction.

Anifrangapani - welcome.
All very normal feelings, but don't you worry, these people get their own comeuppance in good time. Trust me.

Ginny - am loving your 'karma' story Gives us all hope!

ummmmm....and how are YOU Baffy my dear ???