Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

[UC]

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

macdoodle - quite amazed that your H would even in his wildest dreams think you would be OK with him having the OW baby in your home. So what would he do when she was ready for collection...ask her in for a cuppa and a tour of the house, being facetious here but i really wouldnt be surprised - he really was in la la land wasnt he. The children are his responsibilty as much as yours if it was prearranged then he shouldnt mess you about. Glad it worked out in the end.

MHIS if you need some answers no reason why you shouldnt ask where he would ideally like things to go, there is no reason why you need to give anything in return...he is the one in the wrong here. I know what you mean about writing things down though - I can remember an ex once showed me a letter an ex-girlfriend had written to him telling him how hurt she was and what a rat he was for two timing her..he seemed to think it was amusing but it just made me think he was an immature prat. When we were splitting up I wrote him notes (I just felt it helped to spell out what I thought in a calm unemotional way) but once he had read them I took them back and ripped them into shreds...I would have eaten them if necessary

LL - glad the camping went ok...still not sure I will EVER go again apart from the gales and the rain...have you seen the size of the spiders this year!!

I always like the saying "revenge is a dish best served cold" Baffy - I dont think you need to do anything to OW....I agree with Ginny a big gooey dose of bad karma is heading her way at speed. As you said he already has a workmate with a crush on him and not a lot of willpower...just a matter of time.

wow you guys really are chatty!
ginnny - well done!
mhis - its so frustrating when you want answers. I wish I knew what to advise you to do
macD - I was to hear you xh wanted to bring ows baby to your house! how thoughtless is he?! so glad it resolved itself.

so, h now wants to come back. he has contacted ow (allegedly) and told her he wants to come back to me because he loves me. apparently she wouldnt take it, and was convinced it was because of ds, cos i was being nasty etc. he said he told her over and over.
so what now? I have been preparing myself so much to be single, that I have put up emotional barriers between me and h to protect myself.
so confused....

McD, just trying still to catch up - how awful for you to have to have this OW baby in your life, but for H to actually think it's OK to bring the baby to your house glad it didn't happen in the end, but still damage done. Has your dd really never met it (sorry, don't know gender) even tho 11 months old? Where is H living now? Is he with OW still? Sorry, not been around for so long...

Baffy how've you been since you said no to H? Have your family been supportive (have you told them?)

Ginny, glad your (d) H is making an effort. Thanks for your words. You always come across as calm and wise

Hello to buzzybee. and everyone else. Hard to catch up. sorry if I'm ignoring people.

Message withdrawn

dior - I dont know what I want! I know what I DONT want though, and that is the relationship we had before. Me taking the intiative for everything, organising everything, tidying everything.
the question is - can he change?
but how will I know that if we are living separately? but I dont want to live with him again yet.
so hard to know what to do...

glad it worked out for you today MCD - he still doesnt get it though does he - and tbh not sure he ever will and you deserve so much more than that - be strong and look after your interests now.

Baffy - i think you can finally walk away because you know that ow will always be second best - if you had not heard it for yourself you would always be wondering - and you must never feel bad about walking away now - think how many times h walked away from you over these past 2 years. Dont let him lay any of the guilt for his failings at your feet - we are all witness to your fantastic capacity for forgiveness. You go girl - and keep us up to date.

RB - those questions you have will keep going around in your head - and again do not feel bad if you are not sure - and also if you do decide to give it another go that after a while it is not what you want anymore. You are not making a huge promise to him - just that you will give it a go and if you see a real improvement in things then it will continue if not you now know you can go it alone. Believe me that is a powerful feeling. Your relationship will not go back to what it was before, you will have to start again - and now is the time to make some rules for yourself too. He may not like it but these are for you too.
However if you are going to give it a go i would urge you to have conselling together to help you - i am sure you are like me and do not want this to always be the excuse you can use - you need to find a way to live with it and move on and not want to 'hurt' him with it.

Anyone heard from uc - or is she too busy now she is dating ?

Dior - let me get wednesday over and i will give you a text or call to arrange lunch. And if anyone else wants to join us they are welcome.

The wedding was ok - i think h suffered more than i did. But i do feel a bit cynical of the whole ceromony tbh.
I think h wants to re-do our vows - a while ago i probably would have wanted to - but now i feel that i have not 'broken' mine and so they still stand - and if i am honest i am not sure i would want to 'commit' so totally again anyway.
Does that make me bad?

HW - I know exactly how you feel. After being cheated on I think it's normal to keep something back for yourself so that you won't be hurt quite as badly ever again. He should understand if you don't feel inclined to do the ceremony thing again. Men can be a bit silly where these things are concerned and get carried away with the romance of the idea. Makes you feel like yelling FORGET THE CEREMONY - JUST KEEP YER DICK IN YER PANTS AND WE'VE GOT A CHANCE Yet they have an uncanny knack for making us feel guilty. Charmed existence!

RB - take your time to work out what you want. Ball is in your court now. Try to be wise and measured. Negotiation right from the beginning will give the most favourable outcome. He needs to see that you mean business and that you have self-worth. Good luck

Baffy - sound like you are anticipating his every move. How are you really?

HW understand where your coming from and no that def doesn't make you bad. As you say you have stuck to your vows , he broke his then decides to do them again are they worth anything in the first place ? Sorry to be cynical!

Baffy glad you managing to avert the charm offensive and agree with others ow time is coming and she can't say she was shocked can she! Hope you can sort something though with h as you both have to parent ds and ds deserves to have everything and hopefully h will realise that.

McD bloody hell sorry missed that. Thank goodness it sorted itself but at him making out it was doing you a favour. Sorry if i am talking out of turn here but he did say he would do everything and you gave him 6 mths so why is it you doing all the running ? He seems completely oblivious to the situation he is in and the far reaching affects for you and dd's!

Ratbunny i think the only advice i can give is one day at a time. I don't think you have to make any immediate decisions yet. Just because he has you are still entitled to take it one day at a time. Tell him you are thinking things through also. Lay down to him the least you expect if you are even going to begin working through things and then leave him to it. I have to say from the few of us on here who are working through it the men have had to go that extra mile off their own backs and not because we have tried harder!

Ernest hows LO ?

LL hows things with you ? Are you settled in to new job now ? Hope you not still spending all your wages Any more talk of babies ?

Dior hope the diet still going well i always find that i hit brick wall couple of months in to any diet. Glad to hear you had good hol though!

PP hows things ? Hope neighbours not causing too much trouble. Heard anything more from the one trying it on ?

UC/TFM where are you ? Is dd not back yet TFM thankfully ds back today!

Well going ok here dp started new job finally and i am building up some fall back cash by ebaying everything in site []grin] ds asked who had cleaned his wardrobe today and dd1 thinks it's xmas as the lounge is full of toys!

if i missed anyone hope you all keeping ok!

Oh and WW we liked it that much we looking for our own tent even spider in my 'bedroom' didn't put me off , although sewn in groundsheet is a must If your selling yours ?....
Ginny how is dp is he still trying to get you back ? Hope you staying strong. Are you still doing meetings ?

Hello!!
Ratbunny- I agree with everyone else. Don't let him panic you into agreeing to someting your not sure of. If he is serious and really wants you back he will go at your pace and he'll jump through whatever hoops you need him to, to prove he is worthy of a second chance. As HW says, if you have him back it doesn't have to be permanent, just a trial.
Baffy- stay strong and see him as little as possible. He'll try every trick in the book now.
X has pissed me off today. Its the last day before dc go back to school and I've been so busy shopping and sorting everything out for them. He asked me to go to the bank and pay a cheque in for him as he was working so I (grudgingly) agreed. Then phoned him a few hours later and found he was .... you guessed it... in the fing pub . I posted the cheque back through his letterbox and told him to do his own errands. Have had a steady stream of abuse all afternoon. He even said he'd decided to give me a second chance, but with my attitude today I've blown it!!!!
Cheeky bastard!!!
I'm not making it to the Alanon meetings at the moment because there is nobody to look after dc. I'm going to ask my Mum next week and go along just to get a bit of sanity back!!!

Ginny fgs just shows how much in denial he really is i guess just wished i lived closer by you all to help with child care maybe an f and g commune the way to go!

Ginny what a plank what do we see in these men
Better tonight baby seems a bit better and has been sleeping since 7pm which has allowed me to get DD1 stuff ready for school tomorrow ....not really talked to H though he left me dinner and then had a strop when I didn't thank him profusely ....it is very wearing this up and down - I just need the strength to be firm with him and mean it when I say DIVORCE
OW apparantly was happy for her baby to come to mine ....but when H said couldn't have baby she decided not to work ...I think she was trying to make point that her baby is as important as mine Poor LO when will she realise this is not a game and these are children not pawns So sad for ALL the children...
Not so easy for me not to work would have involved about 20 cancelled appointments would have been a nightmare....I had decided if he didn't come or came with baby to not go to work and stay home with my wonderful girls (would have caused ructions at work though)
Ernest DD1 has not met baby (she is 13 months my DD2 is 8 months)...we only recently told her TBH and have left it up to H to arrange it and introduce them ...he is not with OW so he says but sees baby regularly and has her one eve a week - not sure about money no formal arrangement I am aware of ...what a bloody awful mess he has made...not so angry and agitated tonight but overwhelming sadness
DD1 made lunch date was spoilt rotten and came home one happy little girl ...Our neighbout has one son only (he is lovely but unmarried no kids so DD1 is like substitute granddaughter....neighbour is bit of a character as is her son and DD1 is such a little character they all get on so well)......I know I am lucky to have a wonderful neighbour ...I first met them when we moved in (DD1 was not born yet)and her DH was dying from cancer (I was also by coincedence his doctor) so spent a lot of time in and out of house checking him and helping - so we have a very close relationship now

Sorry that was a bit mememe - hope everyone is ok - Baffy you ok?? HW you ok?? you sound a bit down here and on other threads
Everyone else chins up girls we can do this whatever .....

So who's up for a Christmas meet up???
If we start arranging it now we might make it for December

I am we could make a weekend of it - PC (BTW where are you PC??)...suggested before a weekend at Center Parcs - we could do that with the kids...or a grown up weekend without kids - would so love to meet you all - you have been my rocks

Would love to meet everyone too but think i am waaaay toooo far away
Lol you know it's been too much when another thread says 'ow ow fucking ow' and i think it's about other woman not a stubbed toe

Hello everyone. You are all so strong - keep at it!

Baffy - I can't imagine how difficult it is for you atm - I admire your strength. I certainly couldn't meet with the OW and DH. Well Done!!

RB - I think your DH needs to do more than just change his mind and want to come back. Make him work harder - If you have him back now - even on a trial he is going to think it's soo easy to get what he wants and will never try to be the man you need him to be.

I know it's tempting to just take him back and believe him but he was so horrible a few days ago - it's only now that he has seen that you can go on holiday alone, cope with DS and not need him at all that he has come crawling.

I know it's hard tho.

My DH is still not saying what he wants or how he feels which makes it difficult because I really don't know what he wants. Although I think part of the reason he isn't saying is because he doesn't know himself - which makes me sad. I want to be wanted

He has got DD again tomorrow evening. She is teething so might be better for him to see her here again but TBH I would rather he take her then he isn't in the house. I find it difficult to be around him. I don't want to speak to him but want him to initiate a discussion and I suppose tell me he loves me and is sorry and will do anything to win me back...then I have a choice about what I want. At the moment he is dithering and I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on like this. Even tho I too am unsure about what I want.

Watched some of my wedding DVD today (showing a friend who is planning her wedding) managed not to cry but couldn't believe it was only just over a year since we got married. DH was soooo happy and looked so in love with me How did it all go so wrong. This time last year I was newly married and pregnant with our first child.

where would the meet up be? Are newbies invited?

MHIS when is dd's birthday ? So that your whole future has been taken away from you but as from this thread it happens to us all and that we can be let down so badly!
mY DD2 is 7.5 mths so know what you mean r/e teething she was post affair and have 2 dc's pre!

Message withdrawn

LilyLoo her Bday is mid December. Its the lost future and the relationship I thought I had that I feel I am in mourning for.

She isn't too bad with the teething just seems to be a bit cranky especially around the time DH has her during the week. It breaks myheart to hand her over as it is so when she is sad soooo much worse. She doesn't understand and wants her mummy

MHIS so sorry your dd is still a baby so guess she won't be too afected by this.
However think as a mum being away from a baby is very hard!
I would agree he prob doesn't know what he wants.
We have had immediate guilt and try anything to sort things (suppose that was me, lucky or not )
To complete apathy and denial of what the situation is.
No one can tell you what to do and you can't influence him but make sure you do what is right for you and dd. If you don't want to be apart from her now tell him. This is his doing not yours or dd's!

Dior - i know it is the male way - and i really do think he is making a huge effort. It is not that i am ungrateful and actually if it meant another ring would love to do it.
I think it is pmt week again - but i am all over the place at the moment and really wondering if it is early menopause .

WRT to looking back at wedding photos and videos - just remember that the happy times can never be taken away - and it doesnt mean their wont be more wonderful times. I actually looked at my photos the other day and showed the children - i didnt feel as sad as i thought i would.

Last day to get everything ready - hoping to get boys haircut today.
Tommorrow h is taking morning off to take dd for her first day.
We are then out in the evening at a party for his new firm.

Have a good beinging of term everyone and i will be back into routine soon

Would love to do another meet up - if december is too busy - maybe we should look at january to give us something to look forward to.

Lilyloo am at your ow ow = other woman! It does get to you like that doesn?t it!!

First thing?s first, would really love a meet up if we can arrange it. I?m happy to travel down again if that?s easiest as I think I?m one of the few up North! Hard to leave ds at the weekends with me working so many hours in the week, but maybe somewhere where we can meet and have meal/few drinks and he could fall asleep in his pram. Even a hotel maybe? Newbies very welcome! November maybe??

Thank you for all asking how I am. Ernest you?re spot on, I haven?t told my family yet. Or anyone in RL for that matter. (You guys aren?t real people anyway are you ). Difficult, as people have seen us back together the last few months, and the massive effort H was making going out with our friends and finally facing people again. Hard to admit he?s done it to me again.

But I?m ok. Honestly I am. Sad, and slightly apprehensive about the future, but also very relieved to finally have an end to it. Albeit not the one I wanted.
I have a lot to look forward to

Ginny WTF is he on?! Give you a chance?! He REALLY doesn?t get it does he.

Glad things worked out so well for dd macd

Ratbunny I agree with everyone else. Take your time to decide and don?t be afraid to change your mind at any point. It?s time to start fresh and build a new relationship, if that?s what you want. Can he be the man you need/deserve? You both need to have those discussions, but then it?s up to him to prove it to you and he needs to accept that. At the same time, if you do decide to give it a go, you need to come to terms with what he?s done so that you can resist the urge to blame him or throw it back in his face every time you?re having a hard time in the future There is no right or wrong answer. Just don?t let those barriers fully down until you?re really sure he wants to do this for the same reasons as you.

MHIS {{{{{hugs}}}}} I know what you mean. You look back and not long ago you felt like the happiest person in the world who had everything. So hard to accept it?s been taken away from you and is totally out of your control. Wanting to be wanted, by the person you married, is the most awful feeling. I guess it?s the not knowing as well. You have no idea where you stand right now. I suppose that?s why when the time is right, you do need to talk to him. At least knowing one way or the other is better than this torture

HW I think it's totally understandable the way you feel. Like you say, you didn't break your vows so why would you need to commit to them again?? As for H, well he's proved that the words don't mean to much for him, so why would he need to say them again? Surely better that he proves to you every day just how much he did mean those words, rather than an artificial ceremony which for some people, doesn't mean a thing anyway
Cynical... moi?!

Baffy - i would urge you to tell people. It will make it real and no-one will think this is your fault.
H is just such a fool - and even more of a fool for thinking he could control the situation still.
How is the divorce going?