Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

[UC]

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

Hi everyone

Ok I logged on about an hour ago and I think I'm just about caught up

Welcome buzzybee and ratbunny

buzzybee that must be very hard for you, but I suppose you can take comfort from the fact that what goes around comes around, I really do believe that. At least you're doing what's best for dd and that's all we can do in these situations isn't it
congratulations on your lo though

ratbunny our stories are very similar. together 15 years, and he walked out when ds was 1 for a woman 10 years younger.
your words - "ultimtely I dont think I will ever be truly happy with him, but it so hard to let go of 14 years and the dream of being a family together" is exactly why I've been such a mess for the last 18 months. I think that until you're ready to let go, it's impossible to do it.

I probably would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I'd walked away a long time ago. But at the same time I think I'd have had regrets. At least this way I know that I did everything I could to save my marriage.

Some of the best advice on here has been about focussing on yourself and doing whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. Not relying on them for your hapiness - if that makes sense. As for what you should do about the marriage though, you have to follow your heart.

ginny I know how hard it is to separate the man you love from the monster that has caused you so much pain. Is he actually doing anything to prove to you that he's trying to change? Is he getting help? Has he stopped the drinking? To me, those would be real signs that he is worth your time and effort. You clearly still love him so much. But is it enough if he doesn't love you like that in return?

HW how was the wedding?

lilyloo that sounds great, am so glad you had a good time you too dior xx

MHIS it's hard to advise you, but my gut feel is that you should ask the things you need to ask. I do feel it's important to have those questions answered so that you can begin to understand why it happened. Otherwise how can you ever move on? There are certain things that you just can't know the answer to because that can only come from him. It depends how much you're torturing yourself with it all. There wouldn't be any harm in asking to speak to him at some point when dd is asleep. You can't be expected to just accept it all and move forward if you haven't yet got to grips with why.

Ernest I'm sorry you're still struggling but I'm sure it's perfectly normal that you still think about it so much. Do you talk to him about it any more? Or does he prefer to just brush it under the carpet as though it never happened? I think bottling things up can sometimes be worse than just having the conversation and getting it out in the open.
DD sounds gorgeous though and I'm very at all that time you get to spend with her. I can imagine how lonely it must be for you though. Definitely more MN time required!

WW your posts are great you always make me smile. Your support throughout all of this has been amazing. Thank you xx

macd how are you doing? and everyone else, pc, tanee?

I'm doing ok. Have had 2 great nights out this weekend with friends and I'm coping much better than I thought I would.
The charm offensive has started. And OW is a total and utter wreck by the sounds of it.
What was I saying about what goes around comes around...

btw, just heard from TFM and she is fine

Shitty day - baby teething so no sleep or anyhting else really - H had DD1 overnight dropped her off at 9am and pissed off (to do his ironing he says )...then has go at me cos I don't answer his texts or calls
Just sent me a text to say he HAS to look after OW baby tomorrow as well - he has BOTH my girls tomorrow ....DD1 is going out for lunch with neighbour so he has to be here to see her off at 11am and when she comes home prob 2ish.....
How the hell is he going to manage 2 babies (OW baby is 13 months, DD2 is 8 months)....where is he going to look after them ....he really needs to be here for DD1 and all baby stuff here but I really don't want her baby here - how will he look after my baby if hers is here....
Real life just came up and smacked me in the face - been burying head in sand ...and just feels like shit....

Hi RB and Buzzybee. Buzzy I was in the same situation as you nearly 6 years ago. I was pg with ds2 and my ex left me for someone else. He is now in the process of doing exactly the same to the OW and I'm enjoying the thought of her getting what she deserves!!
I've since met someone else, the alcoholic I'm always moaning about on here!!!
MHIS - I would say if in doubt, do nowt! If you are having a wobble it is a good idea to write it down, or come on here but be calm and composed in front of him.
I've had a surprisingly good weekend. It was 2 years ago yesterday that my dad died so I was fully expecting to be a bit upset but although I thought about him a lot and went to where his ashes were scattered, I feel a lot stronger about it all than I did this time last year.
DC are back on Tuesday so normal life will resume. They are so tired and stroppy and out of their routine now, I think they are so ready to go back!
I have seen him over the weekend, although I've been very good and not let him get too close, even though he's been sober. So I'm feeling proud of myself.

well done ginny - you're doing really well. I really hope he can pull himself together and be the man you deserve.

macd how awful I have no idea what to say I can't imagine how hard this is for you and I know I'll be going through it myself very soon
If it's easier for your dds, then it's probably best that he does have them all at yours. If you can cope with that.

Can't OW get anyone else to help for the 1 day though? Especially as he already had arrangements with you

Hi Baffy. Glad to hear you had a good weekend and that you are standing your ground. That charm offensive is hard to resist but we both know deep down that the charm is not real and always wears off. I am doing some really hard thinking atm about what I want but I keep going round in circles and driving myself mad with it all. I've decided to let things ride for a while and see what happens.
MacD he is being out of order expecting you to let him have OW baby in your house. Its too much. Can't believe the cheek of him.

He won't talk to me not answering phone or texts I assume he plans to have them all here - would be bloody nice if he did me the courtesy of asking me - don't like the thought at all but can't see how he can do it otherwise - he could have them all at his if DD1 wasn't going out though his flat is far from baby friendly
I was psyching up to tell him I wanted a divorce now it will just look like I am being childish
Why should she bother looking for someone else when he is ready to jump when she clicks her fingers and can make my life awkward all in one foul swoop - if I see her though I will not be responsible for my actions

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

Why can't these men just get some balls. They had them when they wanted to shag around and get random women pregnant. But can't seem to find them when they actually need to face up to the shit they've caused and protect their 'loved' ones from any further pain. Convenient that

I hope you're ok macd. You're doing great.

Pick your moment re the divorce. Agree now probably not good. Wait a few days. Let things settle down. Then hit him with it when you're calm and collected and things are ok. He'll know how serious you are then xx

Thanks Baffy and Ginny. It's so difficult to know what to do for the best. I've had a really 'off' day today been thinking lots.

DH picked up DD this morning - looked knackered - could just be because he had just woken up and come straight out but could have been because he was out with OW last night. I know I shouldn't bother but I do

No conversation - other thana few words re DD. He was okay with me just very quiet seemed a bit sad if anything.

I think I'm goign to do 'nowt' at the moment cos don't want to do the wrong thing or say something I regret. However I am coming to the point where, like Baffy says I need some answers in ofrder to move on whatever direction that will be in.

Thanks for all your support.

Macdoodle can not believe the cheek of your DH! Do these men have ANY common sense, empathy, intelligence???

Yes I think you're right to do nothing until you're 100% sure one way or the other.. Know what you mean about torturing yourself with the thoughts though

Hope you're ok. You sound better tonight.
(If you can tell that from a post on a message board! )

Ginny at least you havethe measure of him as you say 'chrm' offensive can be sadly lacking when it suits!

McD bloody men guess you will have to let him have tghem at yours as that the est thing for your dd's. You are doing sooooo fab it must be real tough!

MHIS agree with Baffy yo need to kn ow to move forward whichever way that is but understand how hard that is!

Baffy glad you had couple of nights out and also not ashamed to say glad ow is finding out how hard it is being the one who ruined another familys life! Guess she is the one who has to live with that! He never was anything but a cheat when he met her so she can't say she never knew!

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Thanks lily

She didn't give me a second thought when she took my husband and they left me with no home and a 1 year old baby. I guess she's now going to learn just how hard that really is.

In the very early days after I found out, she got in touch and said 'I don't know why you're such a state, he doesn't love you, but you've got your friends and family to help with the baby, just get on with it and move on'...

I'll never forget those words. I hope she doesn't either.

Well nothing truer than you reap what you sow imo !
Sorry fot typos laptop playing up!

Not so good just had massive fight via text (believe it or not )....lots of accusations and threats (on both sides)....upshot is I have no idea whether he will come in morning for girls
Am most worried for DD1 as she has this big lunch planned with neighbour (elderly lady who adores her taking her into town on bus promised to buy her earrrings and out for lunch) she is excited fit to burst.....if it all goes tits up tomorrow she may not be able to go
My options are - so some advice please
(1) sit tight and see if he comes (have just put big box of all important papers, bank accounts, passports etc in my car) and just leave when he gets here with or without OW baby!
(2) phone in sick and take girls away from house for the day - downsides to this if he comes he will freak for sure if I have taken girls...and DD1 will not be able to go on lunch date
(3) if he doesn't come put girls in car and drop them on his doorstep - downside to this - it will be horrid for girls - he may not be there and then I have to look for him - I know where OW flat is but not number !
(4)phone in sick and stay home with girls send him away if he comes - downside he "wins" and spends day with OW baby and my girls will be disappointed don't see their dad...but DD1 can go on lunch date

Really struggling tonight

Its Karma Baffy.
Now she'll know how it feels to be second best - she'll always know that at the end of the day he wanted you and you turned him away so even if she ends up with him, she'll always be the booby prize and she'll spend all her time waiting for him to run off with someone else.
Serves her right!

Hi MacD
I'd say go for option (1) or (4). Option 2 and 3 could end up with dd1 being upset and cause more rows. Although option 2 would teach him a lesson dd1 would miss her lunch date.
What a horrible situation. I wish you lived near me and I'd have them for you!!
Wasn't he supposed to be proving himself to you for 6 months? He's not doing a very good job of it is he? and for you. You shouldn't have to be putting up with this shit from him.

MacD - I agree with ginnny (everything she just wrote). What a shit way to carry on

Lilyloo - glad you enjoyed the camping trip Sounds like it was fun.

MHIS - it's tough when you don't know which direction to take. Follow your instincts. I doubt he would laugh at your email but it's possible he wouldn't answer. You could try arranging a meeting somewhere neutral and ask the questions you want him to answer.

Baffy - I knew he would be hassling you. It probably hasn't sunk in that he's totally blown it. That text ow sent you after he first left was so cruel. Karma indeed. He's had 2 years to come to his senses and work out what he really wants. All this dithering and inability to make a decision was all bollocks cos he just wanted it all and was too spineless to be honest about it. Now he has been confronted with the truth and suddenly he knows what he wants Have you thought about how you are going to arrange access for ds. He will probably use those occasions to try and get to you. Glad you have been getting out and that you are feeling strong. I would just say go easy on yourself for a bit because you might get a delayed reaction to the huge shock you've had + the finality of the situation. I just feel so very sad for you because you really didn't deserve any of this and I so wanted things to work out for you in the way that you wanted

Ginnny - so sorry to hear about your dad but glad you have been ok. I have no advice re. dp but I do wish I had that magic wand that could make women fall out of love with unworthy men. I need to find an inventor and go on Dragons Den. I would be so rich and so popular

Well he came this morning without OW baby - when I asked him what his plans today were - he said "it is sorted"
He thinks I am being unreasonable and difficult but I am just not ready to open my arms and play happy families with her baby (I don't think I ever will be TBH)..
So why didn't he just stand up to her to start with and say sorry Mon is my day to look after macdoodles girls - I respect his night with her baby...and if there really was a problem then why not ring me - apologise for upsetting me, ask if I mind, explain situation etc...but no its all about keeping her happy and sod me And of course that would neccesitate acting like and adult
And of course am guessing he has told her that it is all me being a bitch so he can't have her baby today which makes me look like a viscious vindictiveharpy of a wife - whcih I'm not I just need to look after my feelings for once.... Apart from the fact DD1 has not yet met this baby was he just going to spring it on her in my house
Am I being unresonable am I being difficult I don't know any more he makes me feel so crap about myself I lose all perspective
God it is 2 and half years on will this never end

Message withdrawn

Hi Macdoodle, only read your messages now so too late to offer advice. But glad to hear that altho sh*t for you it worked out ok for your DDs in the end. Did DD1 have a nice lunch with your neighbour?
I'm not sure what I would have advised anyway TBH. Probably Option 1 which I presume is what you plumped for - and hoped that he would see sense albeit grudgingly.
Men can be so bloody minded tho its sometimes hard to know what to do.
My mantra "it for DD's benefit" helps me through most situations but it does wear you down.
At the moment I'm really struggling to see the beenfit of continuing to meet DD2's father every fortnight as I find each meeting really stressful. But when I mentioned this to my Mum recently she looked at me as if I was mad and sad "but you have to otherwise he'll loose interest".

And thanks so much for your words of welcome ginnny, baffy, ladylush, wilywombat, lilyloo and anyone else I've missed!

I'm sure this has been said a trillion times but I find that when everything's going round and round in my head the best thing to do is write it down, put it away for 48 hours, pick it up a re-read it then destroy what you've written (you don't want to find it months later and send you back into fits of depression). Works for me anyway.

Macd I'm glad he came through for you in the end. Wouldn't it be nice if once, just once, he did all that without you having to spell it out to him. Because he loves you and your daughters. And wants to do the right thing by you.

LL thanks so much for the support and the kind words. Am keeping the barriers up, I think you're right, his times for picking ds up will be the times he trys even harder. Most of it is being done through grandparents at the moment and that's working well.

Dior I'm doing ok thanks he's trying still, but far too little too late.

btw buzzybee - quite at your mum

I should hope he'd never lose interest in his own daughter, no matter how hard things get between you two. Totally understand how stressful it must be meeting with him