Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

[UC]

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

Hi there Ernest - good to see you again . Congratulations on your beautiful little girl. Sorry you are having a hard time. Don't know what to suggest really, other than spending more time on MN!!! Your dc are gorgeous.
Oh Baffy - finally he says what you wanted to hear in front of her, but now its too late. I'm proud of you for walking away and I take my hat off to you that after all this you are still able to feel compassion for this woman who has ruined your life. You truly are amazing and I hope you meet someone lovely who will appreciate you.
I'm on my own again tonight. Dss are off with their dad for the night. XP invited me to a do at the local pub but I didn't want to go. I don't want to go out as a couple, we are not one. But part of me was a bit narked that he went anyway! I'm a bit all over the place at the moment. One minute I remember the holiday and why we can never be together again and the next I want to see him. I thought it would be a lot more cut and dried than this, but I'm still wavering. I must be totally stupid after everything he's done...

Problem is Ginny he is two people isnt he? Of course you love the sober one but the alcoholic comes as part of the deal (and he sounds scarey to me)

Bet it was harder than you make out - well done chuck ....

hello everyone. Thanks for making me feel so welcome

Baffy - you are truely an inspiration. Your DH is a fool of the higest order.

WW - ~I agree with you that if both sides want to make it work and are 100% commited then relayionships can be salvaged - HW as a prime example - I don't know if my DH will ever feel ab;e to put that effort in but atm neither am I at all certain that I would want a relationship with him again

I'm still staying strong...atm. DH txt to say he would be 15 min late picking up DD last night - an improvement that he actually let me know. When he arrived DD was upset - teething - so I suggested that although I was okay for him to still take her it might be best to see her here. I really struggled with whether this was the best idea but it was. He decided to stay with her here.

I said he could be with her downstairs and I would go upstairs. DD got progressively ore upset so I (breast)fed her which calmed her down then left DH to it. I let him bath her while I ate my tea!

He tried to make conversation and hang around after his access time was up. I didn't reciprocate convo and made it (politely) clear that it was time to go.

Feeling proud of myself for handling the situation well I thought. He is continuing to ask me questions but I am not asking him any however trivial. He is also continuing to tell me what he is doing - not in a 'look at what I'm doing' kind of way but more of a 'proving' to me he is 'being good'...I think. I just don't get him anymore

True WW. But I can't have one without the other .
I know its right to have neither and move on but its bloody harder to do than I thought it would be.

hi everyone. mhis suggested I came over to this thread - hope you dont mind if I join you? I could realy do with some inspiration and strength.

baffy - how strong are you!! well done!

in short - was with h for 15 yrs. 1 son aged 15 mo when he walked out for a woman 10 yrs younger and childless. he has never really coped with being a dad.
now he is dithering about what he wants, and is still in contact with ow.
ultimtely I dont think I will ever be truly happy with him, but it so hard to let go of 14 years and the dream of being a family together. I just feel so alone and rejected. I just need some strength to see that walking away IS the right decision, and some inspiration to go on and lead a life on my own.

Hi ratbunny - its been a bit quieter than usual on this thread this week (you cant usually shut us up) suspect its partially due to us actually having to look after our children while they are on holiday

Hi Ratbunny!

Hi RB

You will get lots of strenth from this thread - it still lifts me if i am feeling a bit down.
Dont worry that you are taking a long time to make up your mind - it is much more healthy that way.

Hi to everyone else.

Hope you are ok baffy thinking of you lots

Off to a wedding today - not too sure how i feel about that - we are all going as a family as the children have never been to one before.

[Tentatively] can I join? I have been reading through this thread and it just seems so lovely I couldn't resist asking

Baffy, I'm in awe of you. I absoluetly know I wouldn't have had the strength to do what you did the other night! I MIGHT have the strength now if it happened to me again but that's easy for me to say in abstract.

Ha Macdoodle, how are you? Have been thinking of you from your other posts.

Sorry have not got a complete picture of everyone's stories but I'm sure I'll pick it up.

My story is a bit old now. Ex had an affair with his secretary when I was PG with DD1 (now 6 1/2). Affair continued after she was born, I had no idea although realised something was wrong - put it down to him not coping with new fatherhood. When she was 8 months old we moved from London to NZ at my insistence (I'm a kiwi and wanted to come home). 3 months later he asked for a separation and I agreed, didn't feel I had any choice. 9 months later he told me he was moving in with his new partner - then revealed who she was - she'd followed him out from London! They'd been very careful not to reveal the big secret all that time.

Anyway that was all 5 years ago and they are now married. DD spends every second week with them, which works really well for her but I must admit I find really hard - especially when she talks about "OW does/says this" etc.

Anyway enough of a ramble from me, hope I'm not being presumptious.

That should have be "Hi" Macdoodle!!

Hi Buzzy -

I guess I should also add that I had a baby on 30 Dec - got PG by accident but she's fab and I absolutely adore her. Father not really in the picture (not ex-H). He was not interested during PG, now more keen but I try to keep him at a distance - we meet for lunch once a fortnight so that she has some sort of relationship with him. That's all I can cope with for the time being. Sorry, will not hog any more time here.

Welcome RB and Buzzy

Baffy - WELL DONE! Your post made compelling reading. I could imagine you sitting there and watching it all unfold. How sad that it is all too late. Do you think he really believed that you would give him another chance after he deceived you again? Has he been contacting you since? Now he has doomed his other relationship. What a fool. A bit of excitement suddenly seems to have cost him rather a lot. You have behaved with such integrity from the very beginning. Also you displayed such humanity - even empathising with the plight of the OW. You really are far too good for him. I'm sure he knows that. You are right when you say they deserve each other. God what a mess But I agree with what others have said - you will be happy. With your outlook on life, that is certain.

Hi buzzybee - hello everyone else.

I am sure Baffy is in for a major charm offensive from GW now. I also am sure he hasnt doomed the other relationship - his OW has so little self esteem I think she will settle for being second best. tbh if she hadnt been such a self centred destructive nutter even I would be tempted to feel sorry for her - and I am nowhere near as nice a person as Baffy

uh oh not feeling as strong today Keeping busy out and about all day doing noice things and out again this evening but keep having thoughts about what might have been goign on all the years we were togetehr - did it happen before? there are times/instances that I thought nothing of but now I know he has been unfaithful I wonder has it happened before - kind of puts a different slant on things. Also thinking about the future and what it holds and it's scary

I just don't know what to think at the moment and I know that isn't a bad thing, but it's making me feel soo sad.

My counsellor - and people on MN - have advised against me speaking to him, at least for the time being - but I was reading Relate's 'After the Affair' and this suggests that you do talk about the affair.....that it is important for me to understand why it happened and to talk through it.

Any advice in whether I carry on as I am - which does seem to be working apart from my wobble today - or think about asking DH to talk/give me some answers. Thing is he has the chance to do this and he doesn't but is this because I have said no contact other than re DD?

hi everyone.
mhis - I think this is a wobble. personally (tho I dont do it! if only I could take my own advice!) I think that not entering into conversation works for YOU. itis making you stronger.
maybe write any questions down that you have so if any reconciliation takes place you can ask them?
tbh my h HAS answered all the questions I asked. I think I have the whole picture. But my asking them really pushed him away (can you guess it? I was making him feel guilty lol). So though it helped MS it didnt help US.

hi everyone.
mhis - I think this is a wobble. personally (tho I dont do it! if only I could take my own advice!) I think that not entering into conversation works for YOU. itis making you stronger.
maybe write any questions down that you have so if any reconciliation takes place you can ask them?
tbh my h HAS answered all the questions I asked. I think I have the whole picture. But my asking them really pushed him away (can you guess it? I was making him feel guilty lol). So though it helped ME it didnt help US.

bugger. only been on the thread a day and already double posting! lol

Thanks Ratbunny
I am writing all my questions down just in case!

I'll keep strong! one day at a time

Ratbunny I reckon that if your desire to talk about it pushed him away, it was doomed anyway because imo after they have cheated they should do everything necessary to try to put it right. If he couldn't face talking about it because it made him feel guilty, then again he was putting himself first. That was no foundation for a lasting relationship.

MHIS - you could try emailing him your questions or writing him a letter with those questions. H and I still communicate a lot by email and we live in the same house

HW I know what you mean when you say you envy Baffy the new exciting life that lies ahead. You are right, it is not easy staying. I don't want to sound ungrateful though. It's just that the prize sometimes feels more Lidl than Waitrose iyswim. He was defo Waitrose before, now I feel like he is Lidl food in a Waitrose bag. Excuse the bizarre analogy Glad your mind was put at rest wrt the gynae issue, but sorry you have to have more treatment

Where is TFM when we need her. Newbies here TFM - in need of your ace advice

Hey all we back and we didn't sail away
Ity was fab and we up for buying our own tent , dp even very proud of me as he was adamnt i would moan my way through it but it was great. Kids in river yesterday in wellies and shorts, had camp fires on an evening and was drunk just what i needed!
Me and dp had lovely time too and it was his birthday today so we just confirmed that
Ginny can understand how you find it hard to walk away from the sober person you love.
Baffy well done and hope that's the end of it all for you but agree with McD am sure it was/will be much harder !
Welcome to all new people but you all have similair stories!
TFM you better come back next week as school starts and we need you!
PP great round up hows neighbour ?
Ernest lovely to hear from you and to know dd being lovely. Def normal to still feel as you do about affair.
Dior happy anniversary!
everyone else WW , Tannee, LL , Uc et al sorry if missed anyone

Ladylush - I havethought about emiling him the questions but worry that he wont reply, or willl lie, or will show it to OW and have a laugh at my expense etc

Just don't know what to do. So atm will do nothing. I've decided to ignore and only act if I feel 100% certain. Any doubts usually mean it's not the right thing to do.

Has anyone else (apart from Ratbunny) been in the same situation that I am? in that I don't know if DH would want to try again - regardless of how I feel The book (After The Affair) I've bought kind of assumes that DH is wanting to work it out and make things better....

Been out all evening and had a lovely time but still feeling down today.

Message withdrawn