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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

1000 replies

UC · 31/07/2008 22:16

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

OP posts:
Baffy · 21/08/2008 19:36

GSD you're totally right.

And they do think the world revolves around them. That's why it's time we changed that. Need to get some balls ourselves and make them realise that their own f*ked up little worlds can revolve around them all they like, but we won't be part of it.

Easier said than done I know.

I'm sicking to HW's boundary thing though. It's working for me and it's made me stronger than I think I ever have been.

Macd I can see what you're going through and I know that that's what I have to come. It's just not on. Enough's enough. For all of us xx

HappyWoman · 21/08/2008 19:37

And if he is worried you are going to stitch him up i bet it is his guilty mind as he knows that is what he is doing.

My h went to see a solicitor before i even knew about the affair .

Sorry about this - but fuck him and take him for all he has got and if you feel bad about it later then give it back - but get it first before he does it to you.

HappyWoman · 21/08/2008 19:38

MCD - please dont come near me then as i am same as you and food seems to find its way into my mouth without a second thought - i have about 4 stone to lose.

Baffy · 21/08/2008 19:40

Sounds like you have a lovely weekend planned macd.

Why not just leave him to it then? Start as you mean to go on and start distancing yourself from him.

And if he asks if you mind - just reply "WTF are you asking me for as you always do what the hell you want anyway"!!!

I mean, just reply, yes dear do whatever you like, I'm too busy to care!

HappyWoman · 21/08/2008 19:41

Baffy i am so glad the boundary thing is working - i think i even respect you more now too and so i am sure that gw will too and in the future your ds and eventually even you will repect yourself too.

MCD - if you really do not want to spend the weekend with him then you really do need to get those divorce papers filed - why does it make a difference about the flat? Surely all assests are joint anyway - or have i missed something?

macdoodle · 21/08/2008 19:56

All assets are joined - he has threatened not to agree to sale and not move out ....
We have lots of other debt that will take lots of sorting through solicitors/courts etc especially if he is arsy...if we sell the flat we can clear ALL the debt with some left over ....clean slate easy then to say ..this is mine this is yours no other debt ...no wrangling no arguing over who owes what who put what in ...will be easier and I will come off better...in the meantime I am covering all JOINT debt and would have to continue to do so until sorted (so said x3 solicitors now).....

macdoodle · 21/08/2008 19:57

Well unless I fancy bankruptcy and probably lose my registration

Anniegetyourgun · 21/08/2008 20:13

Basically, he's got to the point where he's no longer your dear life partner, he's an encumbrance and he has to go. Your last near-bankruptcy was down to him and he'll drag you down again if he gets half a chance. "Stitch him up" indeed. XH used to say that. He was worried about being flung out on the streets without a bean - I bloody wish - the law wouldn't have allowed it. Mind you mine used to spend the money we didn't have on things for the kids that they didn't need or want, out of misplaced devotion, not on some other woman...

Lilyloo · 21/08/2008 20:16

McD can completely understand why you are so down and rant away on here!
But you need to continue with the plans for the flat sale. So as much as it grates you if you rea;;y aren't bothered about seeing him this weekend then fill your time with the people who love you.
Have a lovely time with your dd's and ignore him.
When he has sold the flat and you can make your clean break then you can give him what for!
I cannot believe how low he is to say 'he is stressed and needs a holiday ffs' you are running yourself into the ground and working every minute you can to support him and he gives a toss swanning off and leaving an empty shop!
As for the weight thing i would try and concentrate on one thing at a time and at the minute it is securing yours and dds future after that Dior can give you lot's of advice !

Baffy you sound very 'different' i hope this is the strong determined you that h and ow doesn't see! God help them!

Tannee congrats to dd well done her bet she is very happy!

Dior · 21/08/2008 21:20

Message withdrawn

ginnny · 22/08/2008 10:39

MacD - So sorry . Even though you don't care what he's doing, I agree that its the lies that drive you mad. Its the fact that they think so little of you that they will lie like that isn't it.
Have a brilliant weekend with your Mum and put him out of your mind. Keep a low profile till the flat is sold then you can be free.
Baffy - Stay strong sweetheart. Its his loss.
Hi Grabshelldude - welcome if you are new or are you a name changer (Lilyloo???) Doesn't take much to confuse me does it
My boys have gone away with their Dad now till Weds. I'm missing them already. XP is still turning on the charm, but so far its failing to work although it is getting harder to resist him (he's being so so nice and sober and his old self again) but I will be strong. I'm even hoping he'll go on a bender to help strengthen my resolve !

Baffy · 22/08/2008 13:13

ginny - you don't have to hope that you know he will. It's only a matter of time, but you know he will.

If you're still feeling this in 6/12 months time and he still hasn't been on a bender, then we'll let you weaken!

Stay strong xx

ginnny · 22/08/2008 13:34

Thanks Baffy. You are right as usual, in fact it may be just about to happen. He just called from the pub, he's been helping a mate with some decking and they've gone for a pint while they wait for the concrete to dry - Whatever!!!.
I just had my annual review at work and got a PAY RISE!!! I'm really pleased . Its not a big one but it's nice to know I'm appreciated and all this crap in my personal life is not affecting my work. To be honest if it weren't for my job I'd go crazy sometimes.

Tanee58 · 22/08/2008 15:35

Ginnny, congratulations on your pay rise! - every bit counts! I have mixed feelings overy your exdp's niceness. I too would be asking him to keep to sobriety for many, many months before taking him back. Could he do that?

McD, for you. It does sound like you need to get the divorce sorted out firmly - I would be very wary of his claims of going on a 'boat trip' after what he's done to you before.

HW, bless you for remembering our joint Textiles project - yes, that was indeed the A - so I guess I could claim a teensy bit of credit - but the concept, artwork and the rest of her coursework was all DD's, and she worked Jolly Hard. I actually feel quite cross with people who downplay the exam results each year. I certainly wouldn't want to be doing GCSEs or A levels now. How has your DS done? My nephew did a few early this year too, and got a A for Maths, which has peeved DD a little as she was predicted one, but only got a B and she's a year older. But she would be the first to admit he is very bright!

My only quibble is that ExH didn't seem thrilled at her getting A* & A for textiles & art - and was very downbeat that she only got B for Maths. He wants me to steer her towards uni at least, if not Oxbridge, rather than the art college which she wants. She was very downhearted at his attitude, which just reflects that of so many unthinking idiots, that arts and crafts are of less value and that only thick people are artistic - wtf? She's his only child and I am sorry for his insensitivity. I really think, at times like this, that I'm glad we're not married anymore. As it is, I feel so tempted to phone him about it - but shall resist. I'm trying to be charitable and think that he's only disappointed because, having worked in the theatre world himself and come out of it the poorer, he feels that there's more money and a steady career to be made from solid academic subjects. That may be so, but he shouldn't downgrade her achievements.

macdoodle · 22/08/2008 15:40

Tanee well done your DD sounds like she has her head screwed on very firmly
Just wanted to say that the arts are as important as the so called academic subjects - each person plays to their strengths - my father is artistic and very good I must admit - he went to art college (the illustrious St Martins)...and became a very successful art director in a very big name advertising company...had a good very well paid career!

macdoodle · 22/08/2008 15:42

Latest on the "boat trip"...he doesn't think he can go because HE can't afford it and doesn't think he should shut the shop on a saturday especially when it is sunny (he is usually extra busy then)...no shit
He also thinks that this somehow proves to me that he wasn't going away with her....how?? Only proves to me that I will not be a doormat anymore and he realises that

Tanee58 · 22/08/2008 15:45

Exactly, McD, thank you! My Exh should know that - I think he regrets having dropped Law school and wandered into a theatre looking for a job as a stage doorman. He eventually became a company manager and was doing reasonably well, but went downhill again during the early 90s recession and used to say he wished he's stuck with Law and gone into his father's firm. However, his father HATED law and wished he'd run away with the circus (FIL was a lovely man!)

Oh, I would love DD to go to St Martin's. I once did an evening class there and loved it.

Tanee58 · 22/08/2008 15:47
  • so this way, him not going on the boat trip is all his sacrifice and not closing the shop is HIS idea? !
HappyWoman · 22/08/2008 16:05

MCD - Do you think he wants you say it is ok for him to still go? Poor little love after all the effort he has put in surely he is allowed a bit of time off - you wicked woman for not spoiling his fun .

But good for you for at least saying that you went happy about it - this is something i need to be a bit better about at the moment, as i can feel a bit of resentment rising again.

Have a good weekend everyone.

UC i am going to try and find you on facebook too.

WilyWombat · 22/08/2008 16:08

Ginny just remember your ex is 2 people and one of them you really dont like...must be very hard though. If hes being particularly charming just remember his behaviour on your holiday!!

McD - he is incredible I really dont know how you keep things civil, im sure your H and Baffys are both children in mens bodies...erm responsibility here guys, dont you have bills to pay, children to raise?

You cannot change what they have done to you but you can control whether you let them continue to do it...I know its hard but trust me its like pulling off a plaster, hurts like hell to start but then its over (sorry to sound flippant). You are both Alphas you deserve Alpha men

The "dog show" was surreal - they had made lists of dogs taking part, maps of the area, admission fees (god forbid my eldest should ever miss an opportunity to make money), tickets. They had even made a picture of a dog with a cross through it which was apparently a "do not poo" sign, I was puzzled as the poo appeared to be dropping out of a lump on the dogs tummy...."no" says my eldest "thats his willy" I did expain it was in the wrong place and he had put it in the belly button area....at which point hubby pointed out that he didnt think dogs had belly buttons (I am now waiting for the dog to be suitably relaxed so I can roll her to have a look...I do think hes right!) This now has me pondering, like you do, how does the mother feed them if they dont have belly buttons?

HappyWoman · 22/08/2008 16:28

i think dogs must have belly buttons of some sort - they have a placenta after all.

I hope the dog show was nothing like the crufts show - there was that awful programme the other night about how mutant some breeds have become now.

A village near us does a lovely dog show - i think its a bit tounge in cheek as they do the whole village show thing with vegetable judging too .

WilyWombat · 22/08/2008 16:37

HW my children were the dogs and it took place in my living room no novelty veg involved!!

Tanee58 · 22/08/2008 16:56

Wily, - now here's a question to ponder over the weekend - did Adam and Eve have belly buttons????

HappyWoman · 22/08/2008 17:02

but you have to admit that strange shaped fruit and veg would have added even more of a comedy slant - oh well next rainy day we will have to arange that.

So who was best of breed and actually what breed were they attempting to be?
Mine would have failed to even qualify for the obedience class. I do remember when my eldest liked being a dog and would 'fetch' things for us (for a bit of peace we would say 'oh look how far the ball/stick has gone - right down the end of the garden - that would give us about 2 mins max. .

WilyWombat · 22/08/2008 17:03

No more for me to ponder on please Tanee or I am going to have to google like a dweeb

I already have one of those drunken conversations I had with my mum & Dad going through my head (its been there a couple of weeks) "you know...shes an actress....oh she was another actresses daughter, shes in that police series ....oh I can remember you must know who I mean" it keeps haunting me when im laying in bed and I still dont have a clue.

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