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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

1000 replies

UC · 31/07/2008 22:16

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

OP posts:
lilyloo · 20/08/2008 19:43

UC great news about dating site you definately deserve some fun

And LL yes we 'need' to do cc just haven't yet

Have got all dc's up as been to the zoo ans they all slept on way back home in car

WilyWombat · 20/08/2008 19:47

LOL Ginny - I had a blissful Karma moment some years ago when I found out my ex b/f had left the woman he was seeing when he was with me for a woman old enough to be his mother. Ahh well I never claimed to be perfect but damn it felt good turned out when he used the old cliched "its not you, its me line" he was telling the truth

Hope everyone is doing OK, still trying to catch up with my mahooosive ironing pile (actually spend more time talking about it and thinking about it than doing!) Im limiting my time on MN during the hols as they children try to kill each other every time im on for too long.

Baffster good to hear you are not enabling her craziness....now if only the GW could learn to do that too

ginnny · 20/08/2008 20:21

Thats a relief. I read that last post back and thought I sounded like an evil cow . Glad it made you smile UC, it was worth posting for that reason alone!
AND I finally got an apology for how he treated me (5 years too late!) don't know what's come over him, he really must be in love.
Seriously I'm pleased for him as the OW was a nasty piece of work and the new one sounds nice and it will be much better for the dc as she sounds a lot more child friendly. He's even suggested I meet her to see how lovely she is for myself .

Dior · 20/08/2008 21:16

Message withdrawn

Mammaismia · 20/08/2008 22:10

Thinking of a namechange yeah or nay ?
aka Lilyloo !

Anniegetyourgun · 20/08/2008 23:04

Evening guys. Been a mite busy in RL recently so have only just caught up with this thread. It will take me some while longer to get over some of the shocks though...

I've been having a good time outfitting new house, but will have to account for the cost shortly (like, next credit card bill) and I think it's gonna hurt. Have also had to get new car since mine was reversed into by a genius lorry driver the other week. Yet another of those man things who try to put the blame on the nearest female

Am being stared at coldly by two DSs for daring to waste their valuable playtime on my PC. The fact that they can play on it for 12 hours straight tomorrow while I'm out working to feed them has perhaps not occurred.

ladylush · 20/08/2008 23:09

What you mean you didn't consider lilypoo? I can't imagine you as anyone other than lilyloo iyswim but whatever name you choose we'll get used to it Good luck with the cc, I was always rubbish at it. Felt like a wicked witch!

UC - good on you (dating site) I nearly clicked on the link Good for your ego. Hope your looming anniversay isn't too difficult. Work don't know. I did say that it had been a difficult year and I had told h I didn't want to celebrate it. They probably thought I was an ungrateful bitch. I did thank him for them and they are lovely roses. I was a bit though when he asked me to count them (18 for each year, 8 red for years married, 10 white for years together before that). He didn't minus any for years spent cheating

Ginnny - not evil at all. Perfectly reasonable imo , though if I were in your situation I think I would prefer it if the ow found a boyfriend. Though to be fair either scenario is quite attractive

Dior - tell him you want/need compliments and it will help keep you motivated.

HW - Yes I do worry that I will feel bitter forever. I know I won't, though I think I will always have pangs of sadness/anger from time to time. I think what makes the infidelity so much worse is the fact that we were trying for a baby having gone through several m/c including a ERPC and all the while he was shagging this work colleague How much contempt must you have for someone to treat them like that?
I feel much better today now that the milestone has passed. Oh and I love your idea re. the flowers. You wicked woman I don't want to pry, but was wondering if the problem you mentioned is likely to be resolved? I hope so. Horrible to have to contend with problems down there Also the longer you have to deal with it, the more it's likely to adversely influence your relationship with your h.

Baffy - yes, you were right. You are doing the right thing by letting them get on with it, whether that be separately or alone. H has to do this on his own. Glad he grew a pair though. Will await more news. How are you feeling? Glad ds had a lovely birthday He really does sound like such a cutie.

HappyWoman · 21/08/2008 08:19

Come back baffy - we need to know more details - how has h been since all this? But then remember you really really dont care so dont seem too interested.

Ginny - fantastic - i have a wish that ow husband will be unfaithful and she will know then how i felt too - if we all wish hard enough it may happen.

MCD - i remember my h saying he would not have been happy if ow found someone else - but then she did text him to say she had had a very 'busy' night with a lad from accounts the night he took me to the xmas party . Feeling wicked - could you not mention to him that you saw her seeming very close to a tall dark handsome stranger? and ask if he knows who it is? But then i would think up all sorts of evil things (just not brave enough to do any of them myself). I would send her flowers - she would think they are from him, thank him and then you could say 'maybe from handsome stranger you happened to see her with'.
Hope you are still continuing with the divorce and not letting him think you have dropped it now that he is showing you some attention.

Dior - lets get a date in the diary for sept when the dc are back at school. Well done with the weight loss too - send me some willpower too.

Lush - it is not a really a related problem just general womans things. but the fact that it is making me have negative thoughts is enough to get it sorted soon. luckily h has private health insurance and so can see consulant when i like.

Hi to everyone else.

Lilyloo · 21/08/2008 11:11

LL lol no!
Sticking to 'me' though as got accused of being troll last night with name change

You will get better as time goes on , as they say it is a helaer! That's not to say you forget but i have found the days i think about it lessens and the anger is replaced by sadness i suppose.
When i think of 'it' i just feel hurt. Not angry or vengeful as i did in the beginning but a feeling of 'well that's part of my life now, but that that is the case!
H does sound to be trying very hard which is all he can do. As i have said before it's such a tough road when you decide to forgive and make another go of it ! Difficult situations arrise and all you can do is try your best to work through it TOGETHER!

Annie sounds like that will be a rather large bill!

Baffy any news ?

WilyWombat · 21/08/2008 11:32

I think sticking with it "forgiving" and trying to get over it is by far the harder road to take - im still not sure its a route I could ever take and hopefully I will never find out.

Ive namechanged a few times, occasionally at the beginning (before I learnt what subjects to steer clear of) I came to the attention of the Mumsnet resident nutters who will basically hound you until you agree with their point of view....hell lifes too short I just namechanged and avoided the subjects after that...the same people are probably having the same arguments on the same subjects today. Baffy has known me under two maybe three names, I quite like lilyloo though it is you, but if you want to change we would get used to it (personally I would avoid any name that has "mum" in it)

I seem to have spent the last week phoning people I asked to do things before I went away to say "why havent you done XXXX yet". I have just explained to the tax office it would be useful if they would deal with me instead of DH as he is "out earning money to pay you". They did explain they are open until 8pm and on Saturdays......hmmm yes but this is 2008 the bills have all gone up and he will most likely be working then too. Planks....grrrrr, I bet theyd be a lot more communicative if we owed them money instead of the other way around

Dior · 21/08/2008 12:07

Message withdrawn

Baffy · 21/08/2008 12:45

Hi

I'm just skim reading as really can't get on in work at the moment

Ginny - Fantastic news. Made me smile.

I think macd has probably hit the nail on the head. The only reason she could go as mental as she has done is because she was hoping for a reconciliation between her and H. And the only way she could have had such hope, was if H was letting her.

If she'd known this was on the cards for a while she wouldn't have had this reaction.

Hence me being so adamant that she needed to know the truth.

H, is still trying for me. I know he is. He's promising things will be ok and it will all 'work out'.

But I know he spent yesterday evening with OW talking her out of the abortion.

Which he has done.

So my guess is that he's back to promising us BOTH it will be ok, but actually has NO idea how it will be ok.

She has freely admitted she only loves H, does not love the NM, but is with him because she needs a place to live and help with the child.

All she wants is H.

And the emotional blackmail is getting worse with every day the pregnancy progresses.

How fucked up is this.

And when the child arrives, and the NM sees through her, where will that leave us??

A 20 year old single mum who CAN'T and WON'T cope with a child. She'll have nowhere to live. H will be jumping to her every tune yet again. The poor child in the middle.
And me and ds patiently waiting in the background for some sign of the love and devotion we deserve.

That life is not for me.

His loyalty is not with me. It's with himself. And with the new child
I have no doubt about that.

xx

ginnny · 21/08/2008 13:47

FFS - he makes me so on your behalf.
Why was he spending yesterday evening with her? Surely if she decides on an abortion its her choice (and imo this may be the best option ), but doesn't he realise there is no way she'd go through with it, that baby is her trump card atm, she will use it to get what she wants for as long as she can. She is playing him for a fool and he is too dumb to see through her.
He should be spending all his time with you and ds and not giving her this attention.
Sadly Baffy, I think you right to be moving on. This situation won't change it will just get worse and worse and in the end it will just make you ill.
You deserve much much better than this.

Baffy · 21/08/2008 14:13

thanks ginny, I think you're totally right xx

WilyWombat · 21/08/2008 15:00

Well Baffy you gave him every opportunity to stand up for you and (again) he didnt, what the f*ck is he thinking talking her out of an abortion if that is what she really wants shouldnt his first priority be the child he already has?

I dont think she wants this child she just wants a weapon to use against you and GW - my only sympathies in this are for you, your DS and for the poor baby who we all know she is not going to be able to nurture in the way it will need.

Got to go the children are staging a "dog show" apparently it is starting imminently and I need to hand in my ticket

Tanee58 · 21/08/2008 15:22

Hi everyone, sorry not to have been around much - home computer is so slow these days and work is too hectic. Have just skimmed through and have been aghast at Baffy and Ginnny's posts.

Ginnny, hope you and xp manage to remain civilised - for the dcs' sake as well as your own. I felt so sad for that exchange between your boys.

Baffy - I am So sorry. I am also sorry for the other man, and I suspect she's like a cat - who knows WHO the father may be?! But it really looks like you need to draw a line under this and leave the three of them to flounder around in this sick, unhealthy triangle. He's never going to be the man you want whilst he allows her to terrorise him. Did you say something a while back about changing your phone numbers? At least you won't get the deranged calls then.

As for us, DD and I had a fabulous time at V - and the sun shone!!!! We only got wet on Sunday night, when the rain started at 10pm and drenched us all through Kaiser Chiefs, but who cared! Traffic wasn't too bad either. Muse were visually the most stunning,amazing performance of the whole weekend!! They really work those satellite dishes.

DD got her GCSE results this morning and is hysterical - one A*, one A, 6 Bs and a C - so she can go to my old school and do the subjects she wanted. Huge relief!

DP was with us the last three days. He was very tired and drank too much the first couple of nights, sad as the mother of a close friend died last week and he couldnt attend the funeral. We had a bit of a talk about 'things' on Tuesday night, first time we'd touched on them since Relate. He said he still feels unhappy in the house, feels it isn't his home and he doesn't look forward to coming back, but admitted things are slightly less black since Relate, he's looking forward to more sessions, and though he thinks there's a lot of working through to do, he doesn't think it's hopeless. Made me feel sad, but hopeful - and yesterday we slept a lot, made wonderful love in the afternoon (always better when we're sober ) and had friends round in the evening for a lovely meal. The friend I confided in asked how things were, and she said he's looking a lot better and happier than when she saw him in July. He certainly was more his old self and told me later that he'd really enjoyed our afternoon in bed - even the sleeping bit - and so we parted feeling much happier about things.

Course, the proof of the pudding will be in September, when he comes home for good. He's back at the library, so will have a job, albeit badly paid, but we still need to address the 'making his home his own' question. The one thing I hold onto is that he does say he loves me, he's just finding very difficult to adjust to the shared home issue and feels he ought to give up acting because of the financial side. He acknowledges the pressure's coming from him, not from me, but he's finding it hard, very hard.

Baffy · 21/08/2008 18:46

Well done to DD Tanee you must be so proud.

Glad you're getting some quality time with dp too. I hope you can work through this. It sounds like you're on the right track.

HW how are you?

WW I guess his priority is the same as it's been all along - himself!
How was the dog show?

macdoodle · 21/08/2008 19:15

Bugger can I ramble to you guys please ...have had a few glasses of wine so excuse my ramblings (poor baby will probably make her pissed as well now if she needs feeding later )....
This time of year is another "hard time" - I went to a funeral with him shortly after I found out about OW (an old friend of his and by extension mine)...he wouldn't let me come to wake and later discovered she had been there (2 years ago now)...It is also her birthday on Sunday and again 2 years ago we did a flit to our flat in Spain the day after to get away and talk - I later found out he had spent her birthday wining and dining her, bought her jewellery etc ...we decided after much soul searching to give it a go and suffice to say it all kicked off when we got back ....oh and his friends (mine as well at the time) had "looked after her" at the annual charity football match while she waited for him (just seen it advertised) while we were away

Ok so things are strained at the moment - I still have solicitor ready to file, flat nearly sold am biding time till deal is done - he knows something is up - thinks I am "stitching him up" ....

Anyway he has been to a funeral today of his cousin (who was also my patient), his parents have gone...I "should" have gone but just couldn't do it.....
Phone me this evening bit drunk to ask if I mind if he goes away for weekend with "the boys" on a boat (how convenient out of contact)...so I just come out and say I know it is her birthday on Sunday and would rather just know if he is going away with her than find out about more lies later ...
He swears blind he isn't and he also wants to avoid her on her birthday ....

So I cannot decide why I am upset or if I am or angry or sad or what the fuck I am
(1) I think he is lying - tooooo convenient (this weekend ,he will not be contactable)...we have been here many times before...
I think in my heart I really don't give a toss if he is with her, I am just tired of being played and lied to
(2) He plans to shut the shop on Saturday - his busiest day (he can on a good day make a good few hundred quid)...but yet moans at me for staying a few hours at work on Monday to earn some extra money - we are in bloody debt up to our eyeballs ...
(3) He says he needs a break away he is stressed, and I get my weekends away - ummmm yes I do to my family with both kids, a travel cot, baby food, toys, games and then I have the kids all weekend so not much of a break - he would moan like hell if I left him with kids all weekend and would claim no way could he close the shop on a saturday

I just feel so down and flat and fed up.....thank god my mum is coming tomorrow for the weekend and my sister on tuesday....and my wonderful best friend has been over ....because as if I didn't feel bad enough I bought local paper to see local beautiful baby competition and OW baby is in it - my best friend has been lovely laughing and joking that my DD's are much more beautiful and how chavvy to enter etc etc....but how sad am I that to make myself feel better I have to slag off some poor innocent little girl

Dior · 21/08/2008 19:24

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman · 21/08/2008 19:27

Well done tanee dd - fantastic news but what did youshe get for textiles? My son hasnt got his yet (he took a couple early) but he is away hiking at the moment and i am under strict instructions not to peep.

Baffy - i relly do think you need to get youself well and truely as far away from gw and his problems as you can - especially when it comes to providing money for the baby. If he is running up debts i fear you will still in some way be legally responsible for them, even if they were to provide for her baby.

As i have said before - you really cannot 'push' him away more than he is running away and straight back to her anyway. I am so and for you too. If he wants to fight for you - you getting the divorce underway will not detere him in the slightest (or it shouldnt do - if he is really serious). He can still be a great dad and fantastic friend without being your h too.

If he is more scared of her giving him hell than losing you forever he really has got his priorities all twisted. FFS what can she actually do anyway - if she chooses to terminate her baby that is her problem and even though we may not agree or like it - if a mother can threaten that before the poor little thing is even here it may be for the best anyway - no one deserves a mother like that. Dread to think what she will want to do when it has kept her awake every night for a week (and i know i had some pretty bad thoughts about my now ds during those long sleepless nights).

Keep us posted though. Thinking of you.

Baffy · 21/08/2008 19:29

Oh shit macd I don't know where to start with that

It does seem all too convenient. I know exactly what you mean. And after your instincts being right so many times before you can't help but trust them.

My main advice for now would be to do as you're doing, bide your time until the sale is through and then file the papers.

In the meantime, of course it will bother you if he's going away with her. It's only natural. If he called up to ask if you mind, why not say yes, you do mind!
Perhaps ask how can he justify shutting the shop on a Saturday when he knows how much debt you're in? He can't possibly have a valid reason.
So I'd then say, in the spirit of 'working together' as husband and wife, and him keeping to all the promises he's made you, can he stick around and open the shop on Saturday, and then Saturday night/Sunday or whenever you could do something nice with him and the dd's so that he can have something to look forward to too?

I know you're utterly exhausted with it all.

As for the local paper - well you know what OW is like. I can't imagine how hard it is for you living so close and bumping into her so much. There really is only one solution to that. But like you say, why should you move?

Yet again, they make the choices, they fuck up, and then we deal with the consequences

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

GrabShellDude · 21/08/2008 19:30

Oh Mcd Sorry don't know what to say as have not been in your situation and hope I never will, if you understand me without sounding too horrible.

Agree weekend jaunt sounds a bit too contrived. Although what you are supposed to do about it I have no idea. God what a mess.

Press onto divorce and get a life back for yourself? Think that goes for Baffy as well.

Your h's really do seem to think that the world revolves around them and only them. Tossers.

Baffy · 21/08/2008 19:30

Thanks HW xx

HappyWoman · 21/08/2008 19:33

McD
Do want to phone me or for me to phone you. Sorry it was a crossed post.

Go with your gut feel - but i can tell you that my h would now always put me first and if i said i was uncomfortable with him going away anywhere he just would not go - what is more important to him after all.

Dont worry about him thinking you are stiching him up - as long as it is all legal and above board - remember you would not be doing this if he had not cheated in the first place.

I just want to come and give you a big hug.

Do take care x

macdoodle · 21/08/2008 19:34

Thing is I don't actually want to spend any time with him this weekend or at all really - my mum is here have booked a restaurant for sunday (her favourite)..shopping for school shoes sat...
And to top it all I am FAT FAT FAT - have put on ALL the weight I lost pre DD2 so am now nearly 3 stone over pre baby weight which was at least a stone over ideal weight...and can't stop eating

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