What on earth am I playing at

[youfoolwoman]

I have a male friend I have know for many years in a purely platonic way. We are both in long and happy marriages.

Recently, I seem to have gained a new sense of self-confidence, which seems to have made me attractive to men for practically the first time in my life (several have mentioned it and I am simply not used to that kind of thing) Anyway this friend is among them and we have been spending more and more time together, although we have not slept together and I am determined we won't, he has made it clear he would like to.

This is very difficult to explain and I have given it a lot of thought, but whilst I am very flattered and enjoying the attention, I honestly don't find him physically attractive. I have tried fantasising about him (to test myself) and it really doesn't work, he just doesn't turn me on. But, I do love the time we spend together, he's great fun and the hours fly by.

There has recently been some touching e.g if it's a cold evening, he'll put an arm round me, or (even more )he has been known to massage my shoulders. For me this just feels companionable and really cosy TBH, but I know it's not like that for him.

Neither of us have ever met the other's spouse, so it somehow seems that when we're together we're living in a kind of parallel reality, the lives we live with our families are somehow part of a completely different life IYSWIM.

I know I need to spend less time with him, but we share a desk at work so it's not that easy and in any case I would be losing a really valued friend. We have talked about it and agreed it can never become anything more than it is, but that we really enjoy each other's company. Neither of us is unhappy at home and would never ever want it to impact on that. So on the face of it, we remain just good friends, but the reality is that when we're together there's always something in the air.

We could make sure that there are always others there when we're together, but the fact is we have a better time when we're alone. You know how if you have a really good girl friend, it's fun to go out with a group, but you have the best conversations when it's just the two of you?

I can't help thinking we're playing with fire and it can only end badly. Can anyone see a way for us to stay friends, without hurting people we love and/or ending up hating each other? Thank you if you got to the end. I'm really struggling to see a way forward for this friendship, but it would be a massive loss to me if it has to end. I've known him for almost 20 years.

Yes I know skidoodle and almost every other man I know would have got a slapped face, but (and you're going to say this proves there is something between us) this is a very likable man. Not just to me, he gets away with saying things to all sorts of people that others just couldn't say. From, telling management exactly how it is, to suggestive comments to the elderly secretary, to wanting details of the office junior's sex life. He does it with a smile and a wink and no-one ever takes offence.

Oh FGS dittany have you ever had a job in a mixed office? It's not harassment if no-one minds. Junior is a man.

So if he is a smooth talker, how do you know he is really keen on you? Could he be a tease?

I am not going to go all puritanical on you- (there do seem to be an extraordinary number of MNs who have been rejected and maybe replaced by OW for some reason.)

I would say you have to be brutally honest with what YOU want. Yes, we all enjoy attention and being wanted by an attractive man.

Questions for you- if you have known him for 20 years, what has changed?

If you do not fancy him, then why can't you control the situation and say to him quite casually, "You are a great guy, John, but I don't want you to misunderstand- we are friends, and that's all i want from this."

My worry for you is that you are hanging on in the hope that maybe you WILL suddenly fancy him. You seem to be being very passive in all of this.

Are you being a tease? encouraging him but not really wanting him?

You know what to do- either take it further and take the consequences, or snuff it out by speaking your mind to him. Easy really.

A friend of mine played a game like this with a work colleague. The bit of harmless flirtation went tips up when the guy became a little too attentive, his gf found out, my friend got abusive texts from the gf, another "friend" turned on her over it and she desperately feared her DP was going to find out either from the guy, the guys gf or her ex "friend".

She thought it was just a bit of fun that she could handle, it spiraled and she ended up having a nervous breakdown.

YFW, do you love your husband? If you do, dont mess it up, a bit of friendship and flattery aint worth it.

oh dittany fgs lighten up!

No, recognising someone's charm isn't any kind of proof that you have feelings for them. Presumably you've always known he was charming.

But now you're having the full force of his charm turned on you - and look at you! You're actually falling for it. This is a man who asks the office junior about her sex life (barf emoticon) and you're going (just a little) mushy about wanting to spend time alone with him.

This guy would eat you up and then spit you out if you let him. You're new to the world of being found sexy, you're like a rabbit in his headlights.

I reckon by the end of this five weeks you'll have regained your composure and (especially having been able to talk through this with your DH) will be able to come back to work in a different state of mine where you won't take this man, or his sordid little advances, seriously anymore.

You'll be back to being deskmates and he'll never know that his try-on had any effect on you. I bet he carries on like this with lots of women. And I bet it has sometimes worked.

Dittany- I think perhaps you are over-reacting a tad. You know nothing of this man- so why are you being so judgemental? Have you got a chip on your shoulder about something connected with this thread? You seem a tad over-emotional.

Dittany- I am paying great attention- look at my post is he a smooth talker?

"Sexualising the office"- oh, fgs!! What an OTT statement.

men have been making comments and advances for years- it's how women deal with them that is the issue.

"men have been making comments and advances for years- it's how women deal with them that is the issue."

So responsibility for men's behaviour lies with women and how they deal with it?

Right, hand me my burqa there Maureen we're going back to the 18th Century.

As for your comment about the large percentage of women on MN who have been replaced by the OW?

You are a bitch.

I think the correct response to your post is an email to mums net.

I love you too.[smile}

LOL *dittany" you obviously have a very detailed picture of him in your head (thinking of someone you know perhaps?) but I guarantee you are miles off the mark. This is a man who has time for everyone, supports everyone at all levels when they need it either professionally or emotionally, he almost single handedly keeps morale in the office up and does wonderful work with children on a voluntary basis. I have never ever heard him described as a "wanker" or anything he does as "shit" FWIW he would never use such words in mixed company and in the 20 years I have known and worked with him, I have never heard so much as a whisper of gossip about him.

If this sounds like I am very fond of him, then that is true (in common with everyone else who knows him imo), but I also have a huge respect for him and his abilities with people.

GND I don't know what changed, I wish I did and I wish I'd spotted it sooner. I have told him I don't feel the same way and that "we" are never going to happen etc and he says he's fine with that. Of course he could be a tease, but he doesn't have a record of that kind of thing, as I said above. I really hope I'm not teasing him and I have told him that too.

ER Yep - That's why I said at the start I have a feeling it can only end badly. I do love DH very much, which is why I have already said I will make sure I spend much less time with my friend.

You are playing with fire. I can understand the attention can be flattering and flirting is fun however he wants you for sex and only sex. Its just a ig game at the moment but if you don't stop it now it will get out of hand.

Ask yourself if your DH walked out on you today would you be gutted? If you found your dh was doing this with the person he shared a desk with what would you think?you need to stop it now before it gets to a point of no return.

The chase is always fun but the guilt that follows is horrible.

Sorry to tell you but if you were under 16 it would be classed a grooming. Wake up

Sorry to tell you but if you were under 16 it would be classed a grooming.

cupcake I was going to give you a serious answer until I got to your last line!

I would be devastated if DH walked out and also if he was behaving as this man is, but if he was in my position, being propositioned and making sure nothing happened, what would I have to complain about?

He's sexualising the office environment

YFW- you need to ask yourself if your actions- and body language- are the same as what you are saying. men are simple creatures- they go by what you DO not only what you SAY.

If you are really 100% sure that you are not interested, then you have to cut back on the chats with him and detach yourself a bit. it's not hard- it is whether you want to, that seems to be the issue.

tbh, you seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill- either put him in his place, kindly, and mean it- or ask if you are giving out mixed messages.

dittany that must have been terrible for you, but no-one has asked this man to stop, or even shown mild annoyance TBH and I know that if they did, he would stop.

Flirtatious banter is the background noise of office life.

I have worked in lots of offices and they have all been steaming hotbed of flirtation and rudeness.

occasionally someone has an affair.

occasionally someone gets sued.

occasionally someone takes a proposition seriously and everyone is very embarassed.

But most of the time this is just The Way It Is.

Would you genuinely not have any problem with a woman continually coming on to your husband knowing he was married?

I would think she was a cow, even if she had never met me and even though I would know she would fail.

I certainly wouldn't think "oh well, good for her, she may as well see if she can manage it".

dittany- can't be bothered to answer your post- there is plenty of info either on the web, in books, or in RL to help you become more assertive. I am posting here to help OP not to get into arguments with other MNs.