What on earth am I playing at

[youfoolwoman]

I have a male friend I have know for many years in a purely platonic way. We are both in long and happy marriages.

Recently, I seem to have gained a new sense of self-confidence, which seems to have made me attractive to men for practically the first time in my life (several have mentioned it and I am simply not used to that kind of thing) Anyway this friend is among them and we have been spending more and more time together, although we have not slept together and I am determined we won't, he has made it clear he would like to.

This is very difficult to explain and I have given it a lot of thought, but whilst I am very flattered and enjoying the attention, I honestly don't find him physically attractive. I have tried fantasising about him (to test myself) and it really doesn't work, he just doesn't turn me on. But, I do love the time we spend together, he's great fun and the hours fly by.

There has recently been some touching e.g if it's a cold evening, he'll put an arm round me, or (even more )he has been known to massage my shoulders. For me this just feels companionable and really cosy TBH, but I know it's not like that for him.

Neither of us have ever met the other's spouse, so it somehow seems that when we're together we're living in a kind of parallel reality, the lives we live with our families are somehow part of a completely different life IYSWIM.

I know I need to spend less time with him, but we share a desk at work so it's not that easy and in any case I would be losing a really valued friend. We have talked about it and agreed it can never become anything more than it is, but that we really enjoy each other's company. Neither of us is unhappy at home and would never ever want it to impact on that. So on the face of it, we remain just good friends, but the reality is that when we're together there's always something in the air.

We could make sure that there are always others there when we're together, but the fact is we have a better time when we're alone. You know how if you have a really good girl friend, it's fun to go out with a group, but you have the best conversations when it's just the two of you?

I can't help thinking we're playing with fire and it can only end badly. Can anyone see a way for us to stay friends, without hurting people we love and/or ending up hating each other? Thank you if you got to the end. I'm really struggling to see a way forward for this friendship, but it would be a massive loss to me if it has to end. I've known him for almost 20 years.

You can stay friends if, and only if, you walk away from anything else. If you can't walk away from the obvious attraction, then I think you have to kill the friendship for the time being. Then see what happens when you get over it. Otherwise, search through all the threads on here re people on both sides of an affair with their "good friends". Can see how it's tough for you, but there's on easy, pain free answer IMHO

Do you feel like you could lose your self control and shag him? You did say you don't feel turned on by him. But it sounds like you crave the feeling of being wanted by another man, not just your DH, so you can feel more wanted (I recognise this from myself). It must be agony for your friend when he does have sexual feelings for you. Is it more than sexual, are you in danger of falling in love with each other?

If you are in danger of having sex or falling in love you should only go out with other people there, hopefully people who would be disapproving enough if you touched each other that this would stop you. Don't be alone with each other. Don't let him touch you. The more you do, the more you will want to do, don't kid yourself that you can stop at a certain point (maybe you could but I know from my own experience that I couldn't/didn't). You have to stop now before you can't stop the emotional attachment deepening.

If you let yourself fall in love/lust you will get so hurt for so long, much longer than the time spent having some exciting sex. Neither of you want to leave your partners so at some point one of you is going to cut the other one off and it will hurt, a lot.

Do you want to leave your DH/want him to find out and leave you? If not then it is not worth it. Visualise your DH finding out (if you do something really bad) and how upset he would be. Does that not stab at your heart?

Somebody said something useful in a thread a while back - something like, would you rather have a temporary feeling of excitement and feeling wanted by someone who probably wants the sex more than he wants you as a person, or would you rather have a lifetime of love and care and companionship with your DH? What you have with your DH means a lot because he has stayed with you through probably bad patches as well as good and probably periods of time with no sex and this proves that he wants you not just your body or a bit of excitement or a bit more reassurance that you can be wanted by other people.

abouteve how do I 'back of a little and put the friendship back on the previous footing. '? There is nothing I would like more than to go back to how it was, but I really don't know how to achieve that.

DH know we spend a lot of time together and that my friend has made advances - My lovely DH's response was 'I don't blame him'

popsycal I worry a lot about leading him on and have said to him often, that I am happy to spend time with him, that I enjoy that, but that there is no way I want to lead him on. Is that clear enough do you think?

Maybe you can tell him that you don't fancy him at all so that he doesn't think he is in with a chance. Then you won't need to feel confused with your friendship.

As others have said there is no harm in a bit of flirting at work. I work in a male environment, most of the fanciable ones are in relationships but there is still a bit of flirty banter. It passes the day nicely.

Wow, thanks for that TSL

I really don't think I would lose control, I am far too aware of what I have to lose.

I do like feeling attractive to other men (which is new for me) What I'm struggling with is how much he is affected by his "feelings' Apparently almost every man I know now finds me (among many others) attractive, so how can it be that big a deal to them?

I really don't think I am in danger of falling in love/lust, but I'm not so sure about him.

abouteve belive me I have told him I don't fancy him, but I'm not sure he believes me and he knows I like him as a person obviously.

There is lots of flirty banter, but not just with him or me TBH

ride it out

YFW - I still see this as fine.

Would you mind if I asked - what made you regain your confidence? (not a loaded question - am just nosey.)

BBBee I don't mind at all. It's a mixture of lots of things TBH.

-Lovely DH telling me often how lovely I am, after fairly (intentionally) critical parents.
-Giving the boot to a v. toxic friend
-Lots more exercise which has given me a much better figure (despite the fact that I didn't need to lose weight)
-The training has also taken me to sporting achievements I never thought I had in me.
-New haircut I love
-Doing a job I'm good at and have won a couple of awards to confirm it.
-DC's getting older and not so tiring.

There's probably more too, but I'm really enjoying life at the moment and this business is all part of that, but I'm not daft enough to think it can last or become 'real'

I like zwiggy's advice to ride it out. My parents are taking our DCs away for a weekend in a couple of weeks and I am really looking forward to the time with DH. Then my friend has 2 weeks off work and I have the following 3 weeks off, so we won't see each other for over a month (we never have any contact when not at work) so hopefully things will have cooled after that.

BTW that's why we've never met each other's partners. We only ever see each other at work or work functions/lunchtime.

Opps that was unintentionally critical parents - their intentions are good.

That's great, you are feeling good and life is looking up. You have some breathing space now. I don't really see what the problem is.

If your colleague has designs on you then its his, not your problem, as you say you don't fancy him so no point in worrying about it tbh.

From what you say, it doesn't sound like you will get too hurt then - you sound quite in control of yourself, but if you care about your friend and don't want him to go through the sorts of things I put in my last post then please don't let him touch you because every bit will make him want more and more.

From what you say, it doesn't sound like you will get too hurt then - you sound quite in control of yourself, but if you care about your friend and don't want him to go through the sorts of things I put in my last post then please don't let him touch you because every bit will make him want more and more.

dittany "It's only a problem if you take things onto a physical level"
See I think you are wrong here - a emotional affair IMO is far more damaging - and IMO this sounds to me like this is leading there......and I also feel that all the lovely DH comments followed the criticism - I am a huge flirt (and hugely attractive to all men )...but IMO this oversteps the mark of simple flirting !

Macdoodle, you cannot wrap people up though. This hasn't yet turned physical so the ultimate betrayal has not happened yet.

If you think that an emotional affair is just as damaging then it's like saying you can control others thoughts, which you carn't.

Dittany, do you think that anyone really considers the other persons wife/husband when they embark on an affair/flirtation. Is anyone including the attached partner thinking of anyone else.

I don't think they are. They are being selfish which is a human trait.

The OP clearly has no emotional exclusivity and is not pining or in love with this man. She can't even fantasise about him. Emotional affair is the wrong word. This is a friendship where the bloke wants to shag her. That is pretty normal IME.

I don't know what is pathetic about enjoying the attention of another person, regardless of their marital status or otherwise. It's lovely to know you are still desirable and attractive.

THe thing is, when two people are friends but one is beginning to want that friendship to include a few blowjobs then the friendship is going to get very messy. This is true whatever the monogamous/relationship situation of either participant: when someone wants to have sex with you and you are not keen, it becomes the huge snorting shitting elephant in the corner - you will start censoring your conversation in case you inadvertently refer to your gusset or your norks, every time the person brushes a hand against yours (even if it's only passing you the stapler) you will wonder if he's getting a stiffy - and you will fret that if you are nice to him you are leading him on and if you are horrible to him you are being a bitch...
Sooner or later a drunken lunge will be made, and someone will run off crying or a punch will be thrown... Get a hobby or something which stops you having any time to see this man outside the workplace, be polite and friendly to him but nothing more and hopefully it will all blow over in the end.

I don't think it is pathetic to enjoy his attention either but I do think that if letting him carry on like this just because you like the attention when he could get really hurt by it in the end, (men do have feelings too, but don't seem to get so much sympathy on here), is a bit thoughtless

Morningpaper and Madamez, both voices of reality on these subjects. I love your posts as you don't pull any punches

I agree ditany (and the with clothes was slightly tounge in cheek), but surely how his behaviour affects his wife is his concern, rather than mine? It could have been much worse if I'd let him have his way since.

I know I mustn't let him touch me and I won't, now that I know some of what's going on in his head, but at the time, it was the end of a long day and having a friend rub my shoudlers didn't really seem that odd. A girl friend could do it without a problem couldn't they? and until recently that's honestly how I saw him.

I think pathetic is a bit strong, but others have dealt withthat for me

...we have been spending more and more time together...

...although we have not slept together and I am determined we won't, he has made it clear he would like to...

...I do love the time we spend together, he's great fun and the hours fly by...

...There has recently been some touching...

...For me this just feels companionable and really cosy...

...when we're together we're living in a kind of parallel reality...

...We have talked about it and agreed it can never become anything more than it is...

...but that we really enjoy each other's company...

...the reality is that when we're together there's always something in the air...

...We could make sure that there are always others there when we're together, but the fact is we have a better time when we're alone...

...You know how if you have a really good girl friend... you have the best conversations when it's just the two of you?...

...I can't help thinking we're playing with fir...

...it would be a massive loss to me if it has to end...

Harmless flirtation with a colleague my fat ass.

This is "Workplace Affair 101: "Just Good Friends Who Don't Fancy Each Other"

This man is actively pursuing sex with you. You don't fancy him now but you sound just a tiny bit in love with him. One of these days you might well have that sudden flash of inspiration when you suddenly see the beauty in someone, and then you're toast.

You adore your husband. Take care of that relationship by acting on the threat you are clearly perceiving to it in what's going on with this man.

Come on, you are just desk mates but you don't want to contemplate not spending time alone together?

Who are you fooling?

'I don't know what is pathetic about enjoying the attention of another person, regardless of their marital status or otherwise. It's lovely to know you are still desirable and attractive.'

Totally agree with MP there.

Also, it's a cop out to refuse any responsibility for his wife's feelings.

If you're a friend to him then you should take care not to do anything that would hurt his family.

If your husband was carrying on with a woman he worked with as this man is with you, would you find the other woman blameless if she behaved as you are?

Actually I think the best suggestion so far has been to meet each other's spouses. That would be a good way to defuse the sexual/romantic tension but move the friendship forward.