What on earth am I playing at

[youfoolwoman]

I have a male friend I have know for many years in a purely platonic way. We are both in long and happy marriages.

Recently, I seem to have gained a new sense of self-confidence, which seems to have made me attractive to men for practically the first time in my life (several have mentioned it and I am simply not used to that kind of thing) Anyway this friend is among them and we have been spending more and more time together, although we have not slept together and I am determined we won't, he has made it clear he would like to.

This is very difficult to explain and I have given it a lot of thought, but whilst I am very flattered and enjoying the attention, I honestly don't find him physically attractive. I have tried fantasising about him (to test myself) and it really doesn't work, he just doesn't turn me on. But, I do love the time we spend together, he's great fun and the hours fly by.

There has recently been some touching e.g if it's a cold evening, he'll put an arm round me, or (even more )he has been known to massage my shoulders. For me this just feels companionable and really cosy TBH, but I know it's not like that for him.

Neither of us have ever met the other's spouse, so it somehow seems that when we're together we're living in a kind of parallel reality, the lives we live with our families are somehow part of a completely different life IYSWIM.

I know I need to spend less time with him, but we share a desk at work so it's not that easy and in any case I would be losing a really valued friend. We have talked about it and agreed it can never become anything more than it is, but that we really enjoy each other's company. Neither of us is unhappy at home and would never ever want it to impact on that. So on the face of it, we remain just good friends, but the reality is that when we're together there's always something in the air.

We could make sure that there are always others there when we're together, but the fact is we have a better time when we're alone. You know how if you have a really good girl friend, it's fun to go out with a group, but you have the best conversations when it's just the two of you?

I can't help thinking we're playing with fire and it can only end badly. Can anyone see a way for us to stay friends, without hurting people we love and/or ending up hating each other? Thank you if you got to the end. I'm really struggling to see a way forward for this friendship, but it would be a massive loss to me if it has to end. I've known him for almost 20 years.

but thanks for ponting out that my standards of logic, and ability to draw connections between things that are connected and compartmentalise those that are not do seem to be rather low as I will use this to justify why the kitchen is a disorganised mess. even if i don't really understand it it sounds good.

YFW I think (sorry if I am wrong) but I think it is more about feeling how this man makes you feel more then this man, if you see what I mean.

Also it sounds as if he is your "work husband"

I think you need to take a step back and look at what is missing from you, your life, your marriage.

20 years of friendship is not worth throwing away, and two marriages for what might be just a cheap thrill.

She would not be human if she were not flattered by someone finding her attractive, regardless of whether he is married or not, it's still an ego boost to know you can 'turn heads'.

Considering anything more is entirely different of course, but she is not 'sad' for being flattered by someone's attention. That's normal.

Blimey, this has moved on. Didn't I say last night that I know I need to see less of him and stop any touching and that is what I will do?

We now have 5 weeks when we won't see each other, because of holidays, so I will see how things are when we get back and if need be cut him off altogether.

BTW I have not kept him secret from DH. In fact I have discussed it with DH this afternoon. He's not stupid, he knows this sort of thing goes on in workplaces across the country (including his) and he's not worried. In fact he's pleased to know there is someone who makes sure I get home at the end of and evening etc.

dittany Why are you so aggressive about this? I have admitted that I am flattered by this and I am very concerned that he situation is not "right" or I would never have posted, just got on with having my fun.

I have worried a lot about this, mostly actually, about how it could hurt my friend, because I don't know his wife, so it is difficult to worry for her, but I do worry for his marriage. ATM there is no danger of hurt to me or my DH, as I am not that involved, but I am aware that that could change. Nothing has actually happened and now that I know it could, I will be much more careful.

Is she boasting about it?

Sorry I've offended you so much dittany I really didn't think I was boasting, just asking for advice on a situation that has worried me very much. One of the reasons it has worried me is because he is married, but I can't be concerned for his wife specifically, because I don't know her. I am very concerned for the institution of marriage. I have been married for over 15 years and this is far and away the closest I have ever come to a fling of any sort and I never went near a married man before I was married either.

FWIW, this "attraction" crept up on me and I was slow to acknowledge/realise what was happening. (naive of me) After all, we have managed to be friends on a very platonic basis for almost 20 years. This came out of the blue for me.

Thanks gobbledigook I didn't think I was either

dittany I think perhaps we are just using the words differently. I have said I am concerned for his marriage and the sanctity of that and I am.

I certainly wouldn't have the venom you seem to have for me if "any women" made sexual advances to my DH. I'd think they had good taste and it was his job to make sure they weren't successful.

I did not cause the situation "daddy letting another woman know that he wants to have sex with her? " but I did make sure it didn't actually happen.

Dittany, why would it be better to spend the evening with their families? Makes the domestic hearth seem utterly prison-like.

A bit of a flirt makes one feel human again.

look this thread is v long and I should be doing something more constructive so have only read the OP

I had a friend like this a few years ago, was already with dh, and I didn't see anything wrong with it. BUT he never said he wanted to sleep with me, whether he did or not (he prob did, he wanted to sleep with most people), and I never tried to fantasize about him. That seems utterly bizarre. If you're just friends why would you do that? My friend was a v attractive and charming bloke, but it never even crossed my mind to fantasize about him. And you seem to have done it deliberately, rather than just finding yourself drifting off into Rude Thoughts by accident

that's odd imo

Oh, I fantasize about most people

OTOH I tend to assume that absolutely nobody wants to shag me. Paradoxically enough that's why I've shagged quite a lot of people - I am always disarmed and grateful that they'll consider me shag-worthy.

I do find the idea that you shouldn't go out for the evening with a male friend prison-like, yes. It makes your home into Where You Should Be, not where you choose to be. I do not, as it happens, spend very many evenings out with a Gentleman Friend, but I'd absolutely hate it if I felt I shouldn't. And in fact that would make me much more tempted to have an affair.

I don't have a husband but I do think that being found attractive by more than one person who's kind of duty bound to say you're attractive does put a spring in one's step, yes.

Cappuccino - I did it once, after he had told me how he felt, as a test to myself to see if I felt the same - I didn't.

I'm not like you MI I don't even need a whole hand to count my conquests, so I do feel dittany is being a little unfair TBH.

dittany of course the marriage is important because it involves real people, but I don't know her. It's like when you see dreadful things on the news. It's awful, but it's not the same as if it was happening to someone you know. But I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I really don't think I've done anything as bad as you'd like to believe I have and the reason I came on here was to try and find out if we can continue to be friends.

Do you think it's never possible for a man and a woman to be friends, if the consensus is that most men fancy most women?

No, having a husband and family does not make one feel inhuman but once you are married you are not exactly planning on pursuing anyone else or having anyone pursue you - the excitement that brings and the flattery you feel when someone fancies you. So I'd say it's pretty natural to feel flattered when someone other than your husband flirts with you and makes you feel attractive because, generally, that's as close as you'll get to the early days of a relationship again.

However wonderful your marriage is - there is that aspect that's not coming your way again so if someone flirts with you I see no reason not to enjoy it as long as that's all it is.

Exactly, GDG

MI - I very nearly used the phrase 'a spring in one's step' as well - ha ha!

yfm

I didn't really read it as boasting either fwiw. I'm not sure how you could have explained the situation without referring to the fact that he fancies you and that he's married.

From this thread though it would seem like you are slightly vulnerable right now to being flattered by men finding you attractive.

Don't you think that there is something really pathetic about the fact that this guy you've known for 20 years is coming onto you in this way? Far from being flattered by his behaviour I think you would be justified in being quite insulted by it.

Suddenly you're worth his attention and now he's trying to sleep with you despite your long friendship, the fact that you're married and the fact that he's married and so presumably just looking for a shag. Really his behaviour is quite cheap.

"She would not be human if she were not flattered by someone finding her attractive, regardless of whether he is married or not, it's still an ego boost to know you can 'turn heads'."

Guess I'm not human then I don't find it remotely flattering to be found attractive by people I'm not interested in. If a married man started asking me to sleep with him I would think he was an arse and therefore utterly uninterested in whether I was turning his head.