What on earth am I playing at

[youfoolwoman]

I have a male friend I have know for many years in a purely platonic way. We are both in long and happy marriages.

Recently, I seem to have gained a new sense of self-confidence, which seems to have made me attractive to men for practically the first time in my life (several have mentioned it and I am simply not used to that kind of thing) Anyway this friend is among them and we have been spending more and more time together, although we have not slept together and I am determined we won't, he has made it clear he would like to.

This is very difficult to explain and I have given it a lot of thought, but whilst I am very flattered and enjoying the attention, I honestly don't find him physically attractive. I have tried fantasising about him (to test myself) and it really doesn't work, he just doesn't turn me on. But, I do love the time we spend together, he's great fun and the hours fly by.

There has recently been some touching e.g if it's a cold evening, he'll put an arm round me, or (even more )he has been known to massage my shoulders. For me this just feels companionable and really cosy TBH, but I know it's not like that for him.

Neither of us have ever met the other's spouse, so it somehow seems that when we're together we're living in a kind of parallel reality, the lives we live with our families are somehow part of a completely different life IYSWIM.

I know I need to spend less time with him, but we share a desk at work so it's not that easy and in any case I would be losing a really valued friend. We have talked about it and agreed it can never become anything more than it is, but that we really enjoy each other's company. Neither of us is unhappy at home and would never ever want it to impact on that. So on the face of it, we remain just good friends, but the reality is that when we're together there's always something in the air.

We could make sure that there are always others there when we're together, but the fact is we have a better time when we're alone. You know how if you have a really good girl friend, it's fun to go out with a group, but you have the best conversations when it's just the two of you?

I can't help thinking we're playing with fire and it can only end badly. Can anyone see a way for us to stay friends, without hurting people we love and/or ending up hating each other? Thank you if you got to the end. I'm really struggling to see a way forward for this friendship, but it would be a massive loss to me if it has to end. I've known him for almost 20 years.

i dont see a problem in your relationship. you could take it further as a foursome if you wanted.

perhaps he is saying he wants to sleep with you , testing the water.
or he thinks that is what you want to here.

i think you just need to get over that aspect and except sex is a no no but the friendship is.

Bloody hell skidoodle when you put it like that!

Right it's not long till we spend 5 weeks apart, which is a good thing, then I will make a determined effort to spend less time with him.

Not easy though, as we sit next to each other, work on the same projects have to attend the same functions etc, but I'm sure it can be done and I will do it.

It is sad to see the end of such a long friendship though, but nowhere near as sad as the end of my marriage would be (or having any involvement in the end of his for that matter). Thank you.

skidoodle I hadn't seen your 2nd post when I posted my last one, so you can see I do feel some responsibility for his wife. If my DH was behaving like this, I'd think he was far more to blame that the OW was, he has to be responsible for his own actions surely?

Yes, it was the playing with fir that really gave the game away ;)

Oh he's WAY more responsible, of course. I don't think you've actually done anything wrong with regards to his wife.

Just saying it's good to bear her in mind because she has a major interest in how this turns out. Right now she's the only person being hurt by it, even though she doesn't know about it.

He's treating her very badly.

And in fact, in asking you to sleep with him while he's married he's not being especially respectful of you either.

When an affair begins you do not think of the wife/husband, sorry you do, but somehow you can push it to the back of your mind even though you know you shouldn't.

It's only when the affair is found out that now there is no longer two but three or four and you wish non of it had started.

i think you should take a look at the threads on here written by women of men who have been unfaithful to see the heartbreak that this would cause if it were to ever come out. Cool things off, if he is truly your friend he will understand. Ask youserlf how you would feel if DH were to do the same thing? Dont get me wrong, im not judging, but when do these things ever end well?

"If my DH was behaving like this, I'd think he was far more to blame that the OW was, he has to be responsible for his own actions surely? "

yes sure but I wonder how you would feel - trust me I hold my H to blame for his affair but the OW I hold in the utmost distaste and disgust as absolute scum and lowest of low as a women - sorry for hijack but for FGS of course you owe the woman some responsibility - why can't slappers oh sorry women who fancy/have married men come on to them just tell them to f off and let them ruin their marriages themselves without acting like selfish little tarts!!

I have to agree with macdoodle here, although not quite so strongly. I do understand why she feels this way though.

If something were to happen here then the OP is equally complicit, why because she is the woman and he is doing the chasing would she have less of the blame?? She is married, has a family, he is married has a family - don't even go there! So she says it is HIM who is doing the persuing. Does she say NO to the massages? Does she tell him in no uncertain terms that this is not appropriate - in fact i would say that this man has quite low respect for her as a friend if he feels she will respond to his advances. The guy's not a fool, presumably? So she must be sending out some signals, even if they are - yes thankyou, please continue to massage my ego.

I am glad the OP has new found confidence - perhaps this energy should be focused on doing nice things for her pertner and allowing their relationship to blossom. Or is this confidence from the flattery of a randy work colleague?

errrrr but nothing HAS happened.

This sort of thing is going on in every office in the country.

It is just a bit of flirtation and banter and frivolity to get through the day. This is what offices are like. People don't actually sit around obsessing over spreadsheets ALL day.

And yes he HAS said he'd sleep with her but again, that sort of talk happens all the time too, and it is easy to say that sort of thing when nothing is going to happen. And everyone acts like they are big studs in the office but for most people in relationships, if anything actually happened we'd wet ourselves with terror.

This seems totally harmless to me as long as the OP knows where her boundaries are and sticks to them.

I've got no idea what his wife has got to do with it. It is not the OP's job to second-guess his wife's feelings on the matter of his flirtatious behaviour. If it was my husband, I wouldn't give a toss what he gets up to to see himself through the working day, as long as he is only talking the talk.

from what you have written and the thread title

what on earth am i playing at

i think you are enjoying what feels like a fantasy a lot

it is possible to have these kind of in a bubble relationships

but you do sound much more keen than you think you do

i wouldn't actually want any touching from someone or intimate tete a tetes for hours if it was someone i didn't have any interest in

i think you are being a bit disingenuous and giving out confused signals

and that is encouragement to a man

@morningpaper

"This sort of thing is going on in every office in the country."

Yeah and affairs almost never start at work in exactly these circumstances.

Come on, look at these boards. How may threads with cheating spouses start off "my husband has a close female friend at work"?

"errrrr but nothing HAS happened."

what is your definition of "something"?

Seems to me that plenty has happened. An attraction has developed on his part and the OP has started question the propriety of their friendship. That's pretty significant stuff.

Unless you want to wait until they've actually fucked each other before you are prepared to concede that "something" might be going on.

"And yes he HAS said he'd sleep with her but again, that sort of talk happens all the time too, and it is easy to say that sort of thing when nothing is going to happen."

So the fact that he has said he'd sleep with her is proof that he wouldn't and that this behaviour is totally innocent? Brilliant.

"I've got no idea what his wife has got to do with it."

"It is not the OP's job to second-guess his wife's feelings on the matter of his flirtatious behaviour. "

Clearly it's not her job. Presumably that's obsessing over spreadsheets.

Showing a bit of human concern for someone whose husband is looking for a shag at work could prove to be just as diverting as indulging a man who has suddenly started treating the OP as a challenge because she has gone up in sexual value.

"If it was my husband, I wouldn't give a toss what he gets up to to see himself through the working day, as long as he is only talking the talk."

Well apart from your major, question-begging claim that he is only talking the talk, this particular man is not your husband and his wife might well feel differently.

but some men have their brains in their balls dont forget.
sex is different for men as well - as i said I am sure he said it because he thought it was expected of him. plenty of men find platonic relationships quite testing and feel they should be making a conquest.

I agree with MP on this one again.

I know dh flirts with the best of them with the women at work - he always has done, I've seen him in action as we used to work in the same office many moons ago.

However, I have total trust in him. He treats me like I am some sort of godess, telling me how amazing I am, how stunning I look all the time (I don't, but as long he thinks so!) - he is going nowhere.

He flirts, I flirt - tis human nature and we both know it stays with the 'talk' and the banter and neither of us would go further.

Tbh, we talk about everything, even this kind of stuff so we're pretty open about what what we do and wouldn't do.

OTOH, this does sound like a bit more than flirting on the bloke's part. Slightly different probably to some light hearted banter which is what I'm talking about. It does sound like it's getting close to the bone (so to speak!!).

arf

lol GG

I still don;t really see the OMG issue here - may be I am a terrible slut with frightful standards.

I have a similar thing with a close friend of mine who is a lesbian and often tell me she fancies me but I don't fancy her and she knows that and we think it is funny. She brings it up every so often but we a friends first adn foremost and so that relationship dominates.

My postman looks and my breasts adn does a wink thing - shall I refuse to open the door and sign for parcels in case I lose all contral and fuck him on the doorstep?

I think as long as the OP can trust herself this is fine.

Haven't read whole thread. Why do people think it is impossible for a man and woman to be friends without it going further? That is nonsense. You don't want it to go further SO DON'T LET IT. He knows the score. If he's forgotten, remind him. He's a grown up and can decide if he wants to carry on being friends with you on a platonic basis or not. You don't fancy him so you're not in danger. Friends are precious whatever sex they are.

BBBE

Your standards of logic, and ability to draw connections between things that are connected and compartmentalise those that are not do seem to be rather low, yes.

e.g. a sleazy postman and a lesbian friend are in no way relevant to this discussion and throw no light whatsoever on the issue at hand.

Jux - I think you haven't read the whole of the wrong thread. This one isn't about whether or not men and women can ever be freinds (yawn).

It's about a particular friendship between two individuals. There are places you can go to have endless arguments about supposed generalities in relationships.

'My postman looks and my breasts adn does a wink thing - shall I refuse to open the door and sign for parcels in case I lose all contral and fuck him on the doorstep?'

hehe!

that made me lol too

He's a workmate but you spend time with him outside work BUT your DH has never met him. If I were your DH I would find that more than a little uncomfortable TBH.

Sounds to me like you are already keeping your friendship with this man a secret from your DH, that in itself is a bretrayl imo. In fact, what you've described is an emotional affair. As much of a betrayal and every bit as hurtful as a physical affair.

My suggestion would be that if you are determined to keep this man as a friend you need to change the basis of the friendship. You need to involve him in your family life, and STOP spending time with him alone outside work. At the very least it sends out the wrong message to him and to anyone else looking in.

If you are, as you say you are, happy in your marriage, you need to put that and your DH first. If he is/would be happy for you to socialise and have an emotional affair - because thats what you have described - with this man then fine. If not, then you should end things with one of them.

Actually skidoodle I don't think I was posting on the wrong thread. I've read the whole thing now and I take nothing back.

Youfoolwoman, I don't think you do have responsibility for his wife - he does. I wouldn't see less of him unless you don't trust yourself. At most, discourage him from more than friendly touching. I have managed to maintain close friendships with two men for nearly as long as you and there's no problem for me, dh, either of them or their partners, and there never will be.

i used those as examples of situations where someone wants a sexual relationship and the other doesn't - that's what this is isn't it?

As OP doesn't find him attractive and loves her DP nothing untoward will happen.