I just don't know what to think anymore........................

[lucyellensmum]

I just don't know what is going on. We have been through some real financial shit, dp finally gets a job, great, fantastic, money worries over surely. So things would get better??? you would think so, but omg, since friday DP has been awful to me. I don't knwo whether i am coming or going. Im quite pissed to be honest and i shouldnt even be drinking but otherwise i think i might just die. He is being so, cold and hateful towards me. I confronted him and he said he wont leave because of DD, but just now he said thati should give him a few weeks to sort himself with a bedsit and that he will come to see DD. But he says he loves me. Says he can't put up with my shit anymore?? WTF, him getting a job was like a weight off my shoulders, i thought things would be OK, i really did......................now this, i just don't know what to think.

So i know i have been shit to live with, really awful even. But on Friday i was talking with a friend in front of him about PND an depression and she was really open about everything, it totally mirrored what i felt. You know, he was so attentive to her, was laughing and joking with the children with her. Playing running races with the buggies, and told me to hurry up and "roll along" to meet them, im a tad overweight, she has a lovely figure. I dismissed this actually. But honestly, since then he has been terrible with me. This person has managed to combat her pnd without drugs and has quite a positive outlook on the outside. Talking about alternative therapies etc.

I actually wonder if he wished i could be more like this person...........more positive, i thought i was trying, i really did. So my therapy comes out of a tablet bottle.....so what, does that make me any less a viable candidate for a cuddle, i mean, thats all i want really, someone to cuddle me, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. To feel their hands in my hair and have them hold me, really hold me close to them, like they want to protect me and like they really love me.

I have honestly taken so much contempt from him tonight, his excuse, he is tired, well you konw what, i am tired, im fucking tired of worrying about money,tired of worrying if he might leave me, tired of worrying that my eldest daughter hates me, im plain fuicking tired of being alive, but i am, im still here, living and breathing because I have a beautiful DD asleep in bed upstairs, but you know what, he is poisening her against me, he says things like "mummys a nutter" things like that.

Im only like this because i am so LONELY and in need of a hug, i miss my dad so much, i broke down about this tonighht, he laughed, said, oh, not this again.

He is being HATEFUL, i know he is having a hard time, but i cannot be his emotional punch bag, i wish he would hit me, really bloody hurt me, i know its what i deserve really, at least i would have some physical pain that i could measure and say, look, this is what you ahve done to me, please feel sorry for this, please take pity on me and love me again....i jsut want him to love me again, he did you know, he loved me so much, and i him, it was wonderful, 15 years of heaven, we didn't argue, we made love EVERY single day, and we held hands and touched each other, looked at each other with love in our eyes, admiration and respect. Now im lucky if i get contempt, cos that is better than nothing isnt it

Dont mind me, im pissed, but im tired, lonvely, and i miss my dad and i am so angry cos he is dead and i cant believe he has left me like this, his princess, all alone, this wasn't supposed to happen and im scared really so totally and utterly scared

[whispywhisp]

He's home. It was a caravan lost control hitting the central reservation, crossing it and ploughed into a car heading in the opposite direction on the other side of the motorway. Two killed. How horrible.

[whispywhisp]

Morning LEM...how are you this morning? xxx

[whispywhisp]

Hi KC! I'm ok thanks. Tired from bad night but otherwise ok. Hows you? I must remember to email you. I will try to this afternoon once I've got the kids fed and sorted out. xxx

[whispywhisp]

...KC.......wow...good luck!!!!! I will keep everything crossed for you....well, almost everything..those bits of me I can actually cross! xxx

[whispywhisp]

KC....(I feel the need to put an 'F' in between the K and C!!!)

..email sent! xxx

Where are you LEM? Hope you're ok????xxxx

[whispywhisp]

KC....Email me will you so I can ask you loads of questions without the whole world reading about it!!!!!!

[whispywhisp]

Tum tee tum tee tum....drumming fingers on the desk.....(KC)

Where is that LEM lady? Where is she hiding? I will nip off and email her too. xxx

[lucyellensmum]

im here im here - will post later

[lucyellensmum]

Strange day today, I have been OK all week so said to DP don't worry about coming to doctors i'll cancel it. What i meant was, im just going to go and get my repeat prescription. Anyway, i felt bad today, not too bad, but edgy - told DP and he said go to docs, but he was planning on working after work. I went straight to the doctors after going out with my mother so didnt go home. I just texted him to ask where he was, he said, "oh, im just going to get my hair cut" i was a bit and just said "oh" I then told him i was in the doctors and id see him later. Two minutes later he was there, he thought i had actually cancelled the appointment. He did my talking for me, and my heart ached for him. What have I done to him?? He nearly broke down and that is so not like him. Thankfully the doctor listened and is going to set me up with an urgent psychiatric refferal. This means that i might finally be able to get access to the right sort of therapy. I actually feel that i might get better one day.

The problem with me is, i don't show emotion well, i put on a brave face and the doctor said to me that i need to make sure i tell the psychs everything as the way i was sitting in her surgery they might not be overly concerned. She said i am very articulate and clearly highly intelligent - i laughed. So i do manage to "hold it together" as it were.

I came out of the doctors room and just burst into tears with relief, finally someone is going to help me. I have the acknowledgement that actually my partner can see i am not well. I don't know of many people who would be happy to be seeing a shrink but there you are, it is better than yo yoing between OK and hell.

I have to be realistic, many of my problems are caused by financial difficulties and i have to agree that i am worse when this is raising its ugly head. My anxiety levels are quite high tonight but im tired so hope to get an early night tonight.

If you told me the most romantic thing anyone could ever do for me is sit in a doctors surgery and say "you have to help her, before one of us gets killed" i wouldnt have believed you - but thats what my DP did for me today, he admitted his own weaknesses in front of the doc and i was gobsmacked. So was she i think, and i had to intercept and say that things had never gotten violent between us, just almost to breaking point iyswim.

I am sitting here with a drink, probably not a good idea, but i feel OK and it will be my first and last - beer, i dont have the bladder for more than a pint these days .

Thankyou so much to everyone on this thread who's words really pushed me into asking for help today. Your advice in the back of mind stopped me from cancelling the appointment.

[whispywhisp]

LEM...you are one extremely brave woman. You went to the GPs. You spoke up for yourself. You know you need the help and you asked for it. Many people never even get to the GPs door but you walked in and got the referral you agree you desperately need.

WELL DONE YOU. Your DP sounds absolutely lovely. He is clearly unhappy with the way things have been with you and him. He has admitted you need the help too. Not only that but he came with you. How amazing. It just shows how much he cares for you, is worried about you and how much he values his relationship with you. He obviously loves you very much. What a beautifully strong relationship you have with him.

Now you need to chill. You need to sit and relax. Look at what you have around you. A home. Your health. A beautiful little girl. A loving understanding caring partner.

You may not think this at the moment but you are a very lucky lady. You have what a lot of people out there don't have. The above.

Sleep tight. Enjoy your ONE beer. Catch up again soon. xxxxx

[lucyellensmum]

Thankyou whispy - its nice when other people see how lovely my DP is. I am very lucky yes.

[whispywhisp]

I think its all too easy for us to forget actually how much our partners have to put up with with us women! Mine included. He has taken the brunt of my down moments so many times, especially since Dad died. I'm not saying you have taken your DP for granted but its a very easy road to take. I often forget how much DH has done for me, the fact he is out there working a hard job to keep us in a home, fed and clothed. I fail to see sometimes how much he does around the house and the active role he takes in parenting. He is a great Dad and a lovely husband. I am, too, very lucky to have him.

Your DP proved himself to you today. He came with you to the GPs appt. He could easily have not done so but he got there for your and for him. He wants your relationship to continue. He wants to remain a part of your life. By him going to the GP with you and for speaking up is admirable. Well done LEM's DP too. You both deserve all the help you can get. xxxx

[lucyellensmum]

bored and pissed off today - DP left for work for a "couple of hours" this morning at 8, and he still isn't home, wasted whole day waiting for him. But will have to smile sweetly when he comes home for fear of the whole weekend being ruined

[whispywhisp]

Hiya LEM. Sorry..I should've popped onto this thread but I've been flitting between some others.

So not a great day so far then? When is DDs party? Is it tomorrow?

Have you tried getting hold of your DP?

[lucyellensmum]

hes home now - grrrrrrrrr, i'll punish him later and make him decorate cakes with me I am pissed off, but going to go out and be happy

[whispywhisp]

LEM...glad he's home. Enjoy your evening! xxx

(Give him a slapped backside from me will you please?!)

[whispywhisp]

LEM...how are you? How did yesterday go with DD's party? xxx

[lucyellensmum]

hi whispy - the party was lovely. Lots of very hot children though. DD enjoyed herself although was a little overwhelmed.

Another hot hot hot day today - i have stuff to do for DP then the whole day to kill, might go to the beach later.

[lucyellensmum]

what a fucking day!

I had to fax something for DP before 12, quite a simple task wouldnt you think? So, i gets everything together, DD in pushchair after much persuasion after the whole "i dont want to go anywhere" fiasco (pandered to by DP so much worse than it need be!), double check, or so i think, that i have everything. Look in bottom of the pushchair to make sure the sheets of paper for faxing are there. Nestled nicely in the bottom, some lovely folded A4 paper. So, off i go - fully intent on buying breakfast for DD and a coffee for me. Feeling quite pleased with myself because im doing something for DP.

Gets to the stationers, retreive what i think is DPs time sheet from bottom of the push chair and the paper is DDs scribbling paper . Bearing in mind that i have to fax by 12 and it is now 11.15 and i know its 15 minutes back, as the place is opposite my old job and that is exactly how long it would take me to walk to work. So, i RUN back home, pushing puschair and fortunately laughing child, gasping for breath, sweating like a bullock, i bend down to bottom of the pushchair, and find what i think is the paperwork, "silly me" i think - take a closer look, ive picked up the wrong papers - no problem, im at home, i'll go in and fetch them.

THEN i realise there are no keys and i have either left the keys inside, or they have fallen out in the shop. So by now, bearing in mind i suffer from panic attacks, im pretty stressed - what the hell do i do, no mobile as we haven't paid the bill. No one to watch DD while i climb over back fence.

Thankfully was able to get in back fence, then the trouble started. For once, i had locked the door, and DP had locked the back window . Time is ticking by, if i dont fax by 12 then he wont get paid for another week - not a good thing in this house. So i try and break a panel out of the already buggered back door, but no, DP bodged it up quite securely this time. So I think i know, DP hasn't puttied the window in properly, i'll pull the nails out and take the pane of glass out, oh no - this is one of the jobs he has finally gotten round too. By this time, im losing it big time, hyperventilating for England and telling DD to stay at the other end of the garden. I think, ok, if i break that little side window, i can reach round and open the back door - so, tap tap with a mallet, windows broke, DD had bolted the bottom bolt . So i think right, its no good - DP needs his money this week, its going to cost £30 for a pane of glass. So there i am, thinking im on murder she wrote, tap tap tap at the window with the mallet - nothing! So i think, hammer, yes, hammer that'l do it - i mean, DP is a carpenter after all, there must be a hammer in the shed - nup. So all i can find is giant drill thingy. That should do it, one little tap?? You know what, i had to wallop that window with all of my might - safetly glass??? You would think so - nup, it showered all over me, arms have little cuts all up them. I'm screaming at DD to stay up the other end of the garden. My dog comes belting out to the kitchen thinking what the hell is going on, glass everywhere. So i manage to get inside, without impaling myself on window but scraping all my tummy as i clamber in. Thank God im flexible as i had to get in quite a position!!! Now you might have thought someone would have called the police or at least shouted out to see if i were ok, i mean i was bellowing at the window "break you fucker" at the top of my voice . Gets in, phones my mum saying, come and sit with the house NOW please, i have to go and fax something and ive got 15 minutes to get there. The house was insecure of course. "oh in a minute, whats going on" - im so out of breath i can't breathe, let alone explain.

I know i can't wait so i think, i'll pss her on the way, i'll tell her to go the backway - nup, so i have to run to her house (opposite direction to stationers ) Get there - "oh, i have to sort the dog out first" arrrrrrrrghhhhhh. Fuck the house, i just want DPs wages this week. So off i sprint again, sweat pouring off me, cut arms and i notice doors open in a local office. I think, hmmmm, they will have a fax im not going to make the shop - so, i knock on the door. "please will you send this fax for me?" I explain breifly what had happened. I must have looked like some demented banshee - they all looked me up and down, but agreed to fax it thank god. So, aware of the time im thinking hurry up please, its bound to be difficult to get through as all the men will be busy sending faxes at this time, they wont get through. THEN she tells me, "oh, im not sure which way to put it in the fax" i'm thinking, well its your fecking fax luv, just DO IT!!! So, i regain my composure, standing in the middle of an office with DD trying to laugh off my plight but they clearly all think i am mad because no one, and i mean no one will look up from their computor screen. So i thinks better of talking anymore as they are clearly shitting their pants. Thank them for sending the fax and bolt out of the door.

Im thining shit, this is a nightmare, not even sure if the fax had sent. Get home, phone the office. Thank god there is a lovely competent lady at the other end. The woman at the other office had missed one of the sheets and i was like, but its five to 12 and the shop is 15 minutes brisk walk? Will it be OK i say - No, it must be here by 12 or it will be processed for next week - i felt sick. I told her what had happened, by this time we were both pissing ourselves laughing and she said, can you not email it to me?? Well yes, of course i can fucking well email it to you (I didnt say that of cousre) - oh, just email it too me then - DP told me it had to be faxed, that they didnt do it by email - not only that, she said to me "why didn't your DP fax it from the office on site, save you having to run around with LOs trying to do it". At this point i politely said thank you, put the phone down and screamed! .

You couldnt make it up could you!!! I phoned DP told him about the window - im quite cross with him because instead of thanking me for half killing myself to get this thing sorted - he just said, "bloody hell, remind me not to ask you to do anything for me again" . Dickweed . Needless to say he will be doing his own faxing from now on.

[whispywhisp]

OH MY GOD....LEM what a bloody awful day you've had!!!! I've just read your post. Have to say I did smile. You have such a way with words. It was so well written and so funny. Sorry but it was funny.

How are you now? Have you got your breath back? Are your arms ok? You need one hell of a stiff drink! xxxxxx