I just don't know what to think anymore........................

[lucyellensmum]

I just don't know what is going on. We have been through some real financial shit, dp finally gets a job, great, fantastic, money worries over surely. So things would get better??? you would think so, but omg, since friday DP has been awful to me. I don't knwo whether i am coming or going. Im quite pissed to be honest and i shouldnt even be drinking but otherwise i think i might just die. He is being so, cold and hateful towards me. I confronted him and he said he wont leave because of DD, but just now he said thati should give him a few weeks to sort himself with a bedsit and that he will come to see DD. But he says he loves me. Says he can't put up with my shit anymore?? WTF, him getting a job was like a weight off my shoulders, i thought things would be OK, i really did......................now this, i just don't know what to think.

So i know i have been shit to live with, really awful even. But on Friday i was talking with a friend in front of him about PND an depression and she was really open about everything, it totally mirrored what i felt. You know, he was so attentive to her, was laughing and joking with the children with her. Playing running races with the buggies, and told me to hurry up and "roll along" to meet them, im a tad overweight, she has a lovely figure. I dismissed this actually. But honestly, since then he has been terrible with me. This person has managed to combat her pnd without drugs and has quite a positive outlook on the outside. Talking about alternative therapies etc.

I actually wonder if he wished i could be more like this person...........more positive, i thought i was trying, i really did. So my therapy comes out of a tablet bottle.....so what, does that make me any less a viable candidate for a cuddle, i mean, thats all i want really, someone to cuddle me, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. To feel their hands in my hair and have them hold me, really hold me close to them, like they want to protect me and like they really love me.

I have honestly taken so much contempt from him tonight, his excuse, he is tired, well you konw what, i am tired, im fucking tired of worrying about money,tired of worrying if he might leave me, tired of worrying that my eldest daughter hates me, im plain fuicking tired of being alive, but i am, im still here, living and breathing because I have a beautiful DD asleep in bed upstairs, but you know what, he is poisening her against me, he says things like "mummys a nutter" things like that.

Im only like this because i am so LONELY and in need of a hug, i miss my dad so much, i broke down about this tonighht, he laughed, said, oh, not this again.

He is being HATEFUL, i know he is having a hard time, but i cannot be his emotional punch bag, i wish he would hit me, really bloody hurt me, i know its what i deserve really, at least i would have some physical pain that i could measure and say, look, this is what you ahve done to me, please feel sorry for this, please take pity on me and love me again....i jsut want him to love me again, he did you know, he loved me so much, and i him, it was wonderful, 15 years of heaven, we didn't argue, we made love EVERY single day, and we held hands and touched each other, looked at each other with love in our eyes, admiration and respect. Now im lucky if i get contempt, cos that is better than nothing isnt it

Dont mind me, im pissed, but im tired, lonvely, and i miss my dad and i am so angry cos he is dead and i cant believe he has left me like this, his princess, all alone, this wasn't supposed to happen and im scared really so totally and utterly scared

[whispywhisp]

Summer colds..horrible aren't they? Both my kids have got them atm. I've got DD1 off sch again today. Tum trouble again (IBS) so that's her off till Sept now. DD2 is off now anyway till she starts sch in Sept. Already they're falling out and its only day 2 of their hols. I've told them if they continue to fall out I shall be leaving with my bags! x

[Janos]

Hi there LEM just checking in.

Glad to see you are going along to the Docs again, that's really positive. Just keep on at them

[lucyellensmum]

whispy, you have my sympathy re the squabbling siblings. I don't have this problem with mine on account that DD1 has left home already . It must be difficult to be referee all the time. How come DD has IBS?

I have had the day from hell. But strangely enough it has been OK because it has just been a normal bad day, does taht make sense?? I feel like dirt with this cold and the weather is making it worse. Hot and sweaty x2!! I must have looked like scary mary today with my lank greasy hair and red rimmed eyes and nose. DD irritable and my mother driving me nuts. We had to walk the length and bredth of town after a bus sauna ride, looking for present for DD. She is getting big presents, Bike that we are going halves with MIL for and humungous trampoline from my mother, that i don't actually want . So we wanted her to have something to open. Im surprised people didnt start throwing money at me because i just had to sit down in the middle of town outside a shop. But my mother still insisted on trapsing round every bloody shop. I ended up shouting at her because she wanted to get cigarrettes when there was a bus at the stop. I had litereally spent the day sneezing and pissing my pants, cajoling a very irritable and hot sticky toddler, trying to keep my mum happy too - frazzled was a good word. But that was all OK. i can do that sort of bad day and laugh at it.

JUst the demons in my head to sort out.

[whispywhisp]

Hiya LEM. DD1 developed IBS following a bad few weeks of S&D last Autumn. She was in hosp at one point. She's on permanent meds and has been for last 6mths. Occasionally it rears its ugly head and she becomes very poorly with it, as is the case atm. Her Teacher rang this eve to see how she is and has asked if she can go in tmrow to pick up a present he's bought her and an award for her hard work this last year. I'm going to let her go in providing she's allowed to use the loo if she needs it and she finishes at 1pm anyway so not a full day.

Yes I regularly have a squabbling pair of children. DD2 is normally the squabbling inducer tho and the culprit. How on earth I am going to cope for the next 7wks I just don't know.

So you've had a tough day today then LEM? Having such a bad cold doesn't help matters. I know when I've got a cold my patience is even thinner than normal. When is your DD's bday? Did I see somewhere its tomorrow? How old is she going to be?

If it is tmrow I hope you have a lovely day..xxxx

[lucyellensmum]

yes, its tomorrow and she is going to be 3! i can't believe it. My Baby is 3 already She is a lovely little girl and i am truly blessed. I actually held my patience quite well today, thank God for citalopram I don't think i could do squabblers.

Do you think DS is a bit jealous because DD gets fuss due to her IBS? Children often struggle to understand that the other child is getting extra attention because they need it and not because they are favoured. I honestly still have jealousy issues with my 18yo, but really, she should know better.
But i know nuthin about raising kids really, just enough to scrape by with my own.

At the end of the day, as long as you love them, its the best you can do really isn#t it.

How are you and DH just now?

[whispywhisp]

My DD2 who is 4yrs old doesn't really know much about DD1's IBS problem. DD1 is very discreet about it and doesn't complain about the pain she has. I have to ask her how she is and make sure she takes her tablets during the day etc etc. She doesn't follow a special diet anymore so basically we just live with it. It's just occasionally it crops up and yesterday she came home from school at lunchtime because she was clearly in a lot of pain. Once she got home, put her feet up with a large glass of cold water, shut her eyes for a bit, she was fine and out on the trampoline by the end of the day!

So your DD2 will be 3yo tmrow. How lovely. Let's hope you have a lovely sunny day. Are you staying at home tomorrow or are you going out for the day?

DH and I ok thanks. We've just booked ourselves a discounted railcard to use for us to do some days out during the holidays. My neighbour has offered to dog-sit for me so we'll try and get up to London or down to the West country a couple of times. Something to look forward to! xxx

[whispywhisp]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINI-LUCYELLENSMUM!!!!!!! HOPE YOU HAVE A LOVELY 3RD BIRTHDAY.XXXXXX

[lucyellensmum]

Whispy???? Are you up to something , only i have a parcel to collect and i have my suspisions

[whispywhisp]

[whispywhisp]

If you can get down there today to pick it up. The contents will need food and water tonight.

[lucyellensmum]

you mean you have sent me puppies through the post - i'll take a walk down there, although they said i couldnt pick up til tomorrow. But really, you shouldn't have, im glad you did though - made me smile, i dont feel worthy though - THANKYOU XXX

[whispywhisp]

LEM..how was your day? Did DD enjoy her birthday? Did she like her new bike? How are you? xx

[lucyellensmum]

phew - what a day!! Im cream crackered!! Only just put DD to bed, DP is still up with her now. She had a lovely day, it was a bit strange because DP had to go to work (normally he would have taken the day off, but new job). So had presents from nanny during the day and her main pressies in the evening. She loves her bike and was blown away by the trampoline.

I went to the post office but it was shut - so, i will go there first thing in the morning

DP doesn't like his job, says that there is a high turnover of guys and that the ones there are moaning about poor money and having to wait around - cosmic . But, its money coming in regularly so he will stick it out. Shame, he is poorly too now so its difficult for him to guage. I don't think he will ever be happy working for someone else to be honest, so he has to make his mind up what he wants to do with his busines. However, he cannot not be working just now so we will stick this out. It will be regular money but of course not as much as we had hoped. We will see, the building trade is very volitile just now so he has to take what work he can get to be honest. I think if he tries to jump back into the business from the position we are in just now he will be nailing the final nail in. I shall talk to him about this when we are not feeling so crap. That is one of the things i have to learn, to pick my arguments and pick my time. Some things that need discussing need to wait when things are less fraught, but often my anxiety gets in the way of this and i just lose it.

I have a Doctors appointment on Friday, ive not told DP yet as i was wanting him to come with me. Trouble is, im not sure what to say now - it all seems so trivial, i know its not but right now it doesnt seem like me. If that makes any sense. I have had a good day today, my DD1 came around with pressies for DD2 and we had fun playing with her toys. So i dont really know what to say to the doctors.

[whispywhisp]

Morning LEMxxxx

Two things...re DP's job. I'd suggest he stuck with it even tho he's not enjoying it cos otherwise you've no income at all and something is better than nothing, isn't it? You're right the building trade is very up and down at the moment. Probably due to the way this country is atm - the credit crunch etc. But a few quid in your purse is better than just a few pence.

Re your appt with your GP tomorrow. I would definitely go and talk to him/her about how you feel even tho you may feel a bit better atm. Remember that wasn't the case the other night was it when you put this thread on? You were desperately unhappy. Try to go to the Dr remembering how you were on Sat night. You'll kick yourself if you don't go and don't tell them how you 'have' been. Let's hope they can help you.

Hope you have another great day today. Hope you're feeling better too. xxxxx

[lucyellensmum]

hey whispy, you are BAD!!! Thankyou so much for the flowers they are lovely, AND the choccies, DD and i have shared a couple and had a girly giggle over the "naughty chocolates" so thankyou for that - you definately made me smile xx

[whispywhisp]

Hiya LEM...that's ok. You're welcome. Thought they might put a smile on your face! Are they pretty colours? They usually are and they tend to last for a good couple of weeks. As for the choccies...well I can't see them lasting more than a couple of days? xxxx

[whispywhisp]

When someone is down and unhappy I will always try to help make them smile again. When I've been down myself a simple bunch of flowers means the world to me. I am sat here, typing this, with a vase full of Sweet Peas and Roses from my garden in front of me. The smell is lovely and the colours cheer me up no end.

I'm a sucker for flowers anyway. Love them. And when I get them delivered to me, which I have done, it means so much to me to know there is someone out there that really does care.

LEM has had some really tough times just lately. She's been a great help to me recently too. Flowers - the least I could do. xxxx

[whispywhisp]

....I was wondering how kormawhatitsface knew I'd sent flowers before! You crafty little.......so and so!

Hows you? xxx

[lucyellensmum]

I love flowers too, DP is VERY curious - think i'll keep him that way for a bit longer. They are very pretty carnations - thankyou, my favourite.

I said to DP about the doctors - he said, "oh, were things bad at the weekend?" lol - so ive changed the appointment to talk about his flagging memory . To be fair i do feel it is best to leave last weekend where it is, in the past. Dragging it up has the potential to spoil another weekend - and we have DDs party on Sunday. I was a bit pissed off with him, he can't come for the appointment either. Personally i think he just doesn't want to go down that road, well yes, its scary, he should try being me!

But im ok today, the weather is blistering and we have just come back from the beach.

Hope you guys are OK too

[whispywhisp]

So how many choccies are left LEM? One for me? Glad you've had a lovely day today and let's hope you have a lovely weekend with your DD's party too.

I'm sat here waiting for DH to get home. He's got himself caught right up behind a fatal crash on the motorway which has now closed the motorway in both directions and he's stuck in with it all. He can't get off the motorway so he's going to be there for quite some time.

Anyway best get the kids fed and bathed cos they look like two hungry scruffy dirty urchins atm!

xx

[lucyellensmum]

oh That sort of thing puts things in perspective doesn't it. Thats potentially anotehr family without a daddy or mummy tonight, son or daughter - horrible. Always makes me feel sick whenever i see accidents.

Mine is pretty much an urchin child now, although DP is outside playing with her just now i should cook dinner