I just don't know what to think anymore........................

[lucyellensmum]

I just don't know what is going on. We have been through some real financial shit, dp finally gets a job, great, fantastic, money worries over surely. So things would get better??? you would think so, but omg, since friday DP has been awful to me. I don't knwo whether i am coming or going. Im quite pissed to be honest and i shouldnt even be drinking but otherwise i think i might just die. He is being so, cold and hateful towards me. I confronted him and he said he wont leave because of DD, but just now he said thati should give him a few weeks to sort himself with a bedsit and that he will come to see DD. But he says he loves me. Says he can't put up with my shit anymore?? WTF, him getting a job was like a weight off my shoulders, i thought things would be OK, i really did......................now this, i just don't know what to think.

So i know i have been shit to live with, really awful even. But on Friday i was talking with a friend in front of him about PND an depression and she was really open about everything, it totally mirrored what i felt. You know, he was so attentive to her, was laughing and joking with the children with her. Playing running races with the buggies, and told me to hurry up and "roll along" to meet them, im a tad overweight, she has a lovely figure. I dismissed this actually. But honestly, since then he has been terrible with me. This person has managed to combat her pnd without drugs and has quite a positive outlook on the outside. Talking about alternative therapies etc.

I actually wonder if he wished i could be more like this person...........more positive, i thought i was trying, i really did. So my therapy comes out of a tablet bottle.....so what, does that make me any less a viable candidate for a cuddle, i mean, thats all i want really, someone to cuddle me, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. To feel their hands in my hair and have them hold me, really hold me close to them, like they want to protect me and like they really love me.

I have honestly taken so much contempt from him tonight, his excuse, he is tired, well you konw what, i am tired, im fucking tired of worrying about money,tired of worrying if he might leave me, tired of worrying that my eldest daughter hates me, im plain fuicking tired of being alive, but i am, im still here, living and breathing because I have a beautiful DD asleep in bed upstairs, but you know what, he is poisening her against me, he says things like "mummys a nutter" things like that.

Im only like this because i am so LONELY and in need of a hug, i miss my dad so much, i broke down about this tonighht, he laughed, said, oh, not this again.

He is being HATEFUL, i know he is having a hard time, but i cannot be his emotional punch bag, i wish he would hit me, really bloody hurt me, i know its what i deserve really, at least i would have some physical pain that i could measure and say, look, this is what you ahve done to me, please feel sorry for this, please take pity on me and love me again....i jsut want him to love me again, he did you know, he loved me so much, and i him, it was wonderful, 15 years of heaven, we didn't argue, we made love EVERY single day, and we held hands and touched each other, looked at each other with love in our eyes, admiration and respect. Now im lucky if i get contempt, cos that is better than nothing isnt it

Dont mind me, im pissed, but im tired, lonvely, and i miss my dad and i am so angry cos he is dead and i cant believe he has left me like this, his princess, all alone, this wasn't supposed to happen and im scared really so totally and utterly scared

[lucyellensmum]

i have now got big scratches all down my arm because that was all i was brave enough to do, couldnt cut further (broken cd case) it hasnt h elped

[lucyellensmum]

i know i need help, but how can i get it, hey, can you imagine me pitching up at the doctors on monday saying, look what i did, i would have my DD taken away from me before i could say basket case.

I still have to take my fathers medication to the chemist, it has sat on the top of the bridge for nearly two years now. I don't know why i keep it. Its like it is part of him. maybe

[lucyellensmum]

see., you have my number, attention seeking idiot

[SpirallingOutOfControl]

Go to bed woman and go to GP in the morning

[ScottishMummy]

Lem have a sleep see how you feel in morning

if you have CPN/CMHT is there a crisis team to call

A&E have psychiatric liaison teams - avail 24-7 they will triage you to psych.if you get anxious/low/suicidal go to A&E or 999 ambulance

i suggest you need to discus these issues further

[Niecie]

I don't think you are weak for failing to cut yourself. I think you are strong enough to know it won't help, not in the long run.

You aren't responsible for your DP unhappiness - he isn't a child. Some of it is down to him. It has been said before that he sounds depressed. Has he seen a doctor yet? He isn't helping himself by burying his head in the sand. You are dragging each other down. He needs to get himself sorted too.

But first you do need to rest - go to bed, sober up a bit if you need to. Things always seem worse at night (sorry cliche but true). Don't try and discuss anything with DP, be civil, focus on your daughter and give him space to calm down.

But go to bed and sleep.

[lucyellensmum]

Its sunday tomorrow and ive been to the GP over and over and over - they havent' got a clue. I am going to bed now

[ScottishMummy]

GP can refer and Ax to other services.dont rule them out.all GP do Psych rotation too

good luck

if you cant articulate show GP you posts

[lucyellensmum]

but if i go to my doctor and say im self harming again ( i dont beleive it, after 20yrs!!) they will take DD away/.perhaps, deep down that is what i want, is better for her

[ScottishMummy]

deep breath, calm down. that wont necessarily happen.

will want to know what has precipitated this
your current mental state and intentions
most of all what can GP do for you

get to GP
if it cant wait A&E
you must talk about this
help out there -so access it

[MrsMacaroon]

if you want the truth, you do sound a bit bonkers...maybe in a nice way but definitely an attention seeker who would rather get negative attention than no attention at all.

you have subconsciously chosen someone who doesn't give you what you (think you) need so that you have endless excuses for feeling sorry for yourself.

all the attention you get on the back of your episodes of bonkers behaviour (including this post) just fuels your apparent self loathing so it begs the question- what do you actually want? approval?

and don't say 'a cuddle'.

[prettyfly1]

mrs mac too harsh. depression and self loathing makes this poster neither bonkers nor attention seeking. can you not see a massive cry for help when its in front of you. poster are you about today. I appreciate you may be embarrassed about your outburst but i really really really think you need help - there is no way on gods earth this thread can be ignored not least when there is a child in the house. can you please go to hospital to the on call psychiatric team and ask for an immediate referral. you may or may not be bipolar but you are dangerously close to the edge. for one thing you shouldnt be drinking with depression - a fact i doubt very mcu you dont know. what would have happened had your daughter come downstairs and seen the state of your arms. now for goodness sake take this thread, take yourself and get some help. your not crazy and your not bad you are very very ill and this is not helping.

i have no doubt there will be some worried people watching this thread today -can you check in to let people know you are ok please.

[lucyellensmum]

prettyfly, thankyou, i am fine. DP says i must not go to the doctors because they will take DD away. He is less than pleased can i tell you and i don't blame him. Mrs Mac, was actually right on both counts. It is attention seeking and it is a cry for help. Don't worry, this wont be happening again - i feel stupid and embarrased as you said. Im stopping drinking, i was quite drunk last night and im on ADs and should know better .

I now know that alcohol is dangerous for me, i wont be going there again. I am sorry to anyone who i worried last night - thanks for being there for me.

[prettyfly1]

well said dittany.

op i am still concerned - you are still extremely down on yourself. fact is you are still going through some very very hard times - its not attention seeking love its help seeking and we are worried. you are obviously struggling. Can you give us an idea of what county you are in and i will track down some suppport numbers etc Also i really think your doctor needs to look at your medication. Please please please dont jsut disappear, tell yourself you are fine and hide because you feel a bit embarrassed. you really need some support - noone will think less of you for saying that or take your daughter - thats shit. its very very brave to admit you cant do it alone. Let us find you someone to talk to at least.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

LEM

Alcohol is a depressant and will do nothing to numb your ongoing pain.

Did you ever have bereavement counselling - I think as well you need to talk to an organisation like CRUSE as just one part of your journey back to full emotional health.

We will all die though and you are angry; that is one facet of how grief is expressed. You're dealing with your grief at his loss on top of everything else. Many people would crack under these circumstances. You should feel no shame.

You do not deserve to be hit, what happened to you to make you feel like this has happened over a long period of time. You sound clinically depressed and for that you need help. I dont' think your partner has the first idea of how to help you hence his emotionally closing down. I'm not excusing his behaviours at all, both of you need help if you want to stay together.

You need professional support and your GP is a good place to start. Its not shameful to say you need help. I would also think that your GP does not think you are a drama queen

[lucyellensmum]

I'm OK, really. DP and i have spoken, and cuddled

[lucyellensmum]

I'm OK, really. DP and i have spoken, and cuddled

[lucyellensmum]

dittany, just because we don't always see eye to eye, it doesn't mean i don't appreciate your support because i do. Im going to ask for a psychiatric refferal when i next have to renew my medication.

[Niecie]

Hi LEM, sorry not been back sooner. It is DS1's birthday and we have been out for the day. Am now knackered and hiding up here putting off making tea!

Can I just say, I don't think you have sounded very well supported by your doctor in the past. If he doesn't give you a psych referral would you consider changing GP - try somebody new with a different approach who doesn't just fob you off with pills if you want more? Do you feel the pills are doing you any good at all as you seem so up and down? Maybe a change of meds might help?

FWIW I don't think you sound attention seeking, I think you sound desparate. Hope you have some luck with the docs when you go.

[expatinscotland]

Please discuss your drinking habits with a psychiatrist. If you are on ADs and still needing to drink heavily, they need to know so they can medicate you accordingly. You may need to change meds or adjust dosages so you won't feel so much the need to turn to something when you're dow.

[lucyellensmum]

expat, i don't really drink that much to be honest, last night was a set back because i felt so low. The thing is, DP has been through so much with me he says he just can't cope with it so he switches off. He is trying to be nice to me today but i can see he is still very angry. I don't blame him, he is overwhelmed i think.

I think what set me off is DP is starting a new job tomorrow, after struggling on to the bitter end really with the business. I feel relieved and so does he, it is potentially good money but to be frank, anything would be better than what we have been earning. So, i think i have expected him to suddenly be all happy but he has been quite flat, so i was thinking everything was going to be fine now, but its not that simple. But i guess he is nervous and a bit sad about shelving the business, but it was that or lose the house. I should have worked, i do know that, but i just don't have the confidence. I am however going to start doing some cleaning when DD starts playschool in october and it wont matter if it is not cash in hand because we wont be entitled to tax credits now if the job works out.

I have just been on a lovely long walk, my mum was feeling poorly so i took her dog out, with mine, i let them both off on the beach and they were fantastic. It took me back to when i would walk my best friend dog that way and let him off and just not think. Me and DP used to take him there too so i brought DP a stone with a hole in it as a token of a love that we used to have. I have ruined it i know but i am hopefull that we can put things right.

Im very tired and my arm is killing me (stupid cow i think its infected ) so hopefully we will get an early nigth tonight.

Its DDs birthday on Wednesday and we are having a party at the weekend - EXCITING.

I can't promise anyone i wont be in a state again sometime soon because i feel profoundly sad just now, and not really in control, but hopefully if things settle with DPs job and we can budget to pay off some of the debts, we can rise ourselves above the financial mire we are in and find each other again. Please God.

[expatinscotland]

LEM, you've been on here completely p*ssed often enough. But hey, if you don't want to mention it, then don't. It's your call, but turning to booze and drinking it in excess when you're low and you're already on ADs, I'd want to get that sorted out. I did that on Prozac and needed to change. Then after a while, I just didn't feel like I needed to go the whole hog.

But it's your life!

[prettyfly1]

poster money is not and never will be the cure for depression like yours and neither is another human being. your still sounding slightly irrational and in denial. DO NOT WAIT UNTIL YOU NEED TO CHANGE MEDS. For the sake of your daughter and if you love your partner as much as you say you do go and do it now. You cannot be a supportive partner in this state nor can you be a parent and i know about your other drunken posts as well. Please get help.