I just don't know what to think anymore........................

[lucyellensmum]

I just don't know what is going on. We have been through some real financial shit, dp finally gets a job, great, fantastic, money worries over surely. So things would get better??? you would think so, but omg, since friday DP has been awful to me. I don't knwo whether i am coming or going. Im quite pissed to be honest and i shouldnt even be drinking but otherwise i think i might just die. He is being so, cold and hateful towards me. I confronted him and he said he wont leave because of DD, but just now he said thati should give him a few weeks to sort himself with a bedsit and that he will come to see DD. But he says he loves me. Says he can't put up with my shit anymore?? WTF, him getting a job was like a weight off my shoulders, i thought things would be OK, i really did......................now this, i just don't know what to think.

So i know i have been shit to live with, really awful even. But on Friday i was talking with a friend in front of him about PND an depression and she was really open about everything, it totally mirrored what i felt. You know, he was so attentive to her, was laughing and joking with the children with her. Playing running races with the buggies, and told me to hurry up and "roll along" to meet them, im a tad overweight, she has a lovely figure. I dismissed this actually. But honestly, since then he has been terrible with me. This person has managed to combat her pnd without drugs and has quite a positive outlook on the outside. Talking about alternative therapies etc.

I actually wonder if he wished i could be more like this person...........more positive, i thought i was trying, i really did. So my therapy comes out of a tablet bottle.....so what, does that make me any less a viable candidate for a cuddle, i mean, thats all i want really, someone to cuddle me, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. To feel their hands in my hair and have them hold me, really hold me close to them, like they want to protect me and like they really love me.

I have honestly taken so much contempt from him tonight, his excuse, he is tired, well you konw what, i am tired, im fucking tired of worrying about money,tired of worrying if he might leave me, tired of worrying that my eldest daughter hates me, im plain fuicking tired of being alive, but i am, im still here, living and breathing because I have a beautiful DD asleep in bed upstairs, but you know what, he is poisening her against me, he says things like "mummys a nutter" things like that.

Im only like this because i am so LONELY and in need of a hug, i miss my dad so much, i broke down about this tonighht, he laughed, said, oh, not this again.

He is being HATEFUL, i know he is having a hard time, but i cannot be his emotional punch bag, i wish he would hit me, really bloody hurt me, i know its what i deserve really, at least i would have some physical pain that i could measure and say, look, this is what you ahve done to me, please feel sorry for this, please take pity on me and love me again....i jsut want him to love me again, he did you know, he loved me so much, and i him, it was wonderful, 15 years of heaven, we didn't argue, we made love EVERY single day, and we held hands and touched each other, looked at each other with love in our eyes, admiration and respect. Now im lucky if i get contempt, cos that is better than nothing isnt it

Dont mind me, im pissed, but im tired, lonvely, and i miss my dad and i am so angry cos he is dead and i cant believe he has left me like this, his princess, all alone, this wasn't supposed to happen and im scared really so totally and utterly scared

[whispywhisp]

LEM...email me from now on please. I'm de-reg from MN. xxxxx

[lucyellensmum]

Yes, it was her story that upset me - she was clearly bright but totally left behind. I was flaming angry too because they took her along to a private school for dyslexic children. Her son is dyslexic and she struggles to help him. The patronising head mistress kept going on about how wonderful her school was and how well her boy would do there, but it is a "very expensive option". I mean WTF, take a single mum on benefits and say to her, look, this is what your son could have if you weren't so shit. I was seething. I recently did an afternoons science presentation at a private primary school where my friend works - it was like a different world to the one i live in and i have to say, i resented it.

I have to say, i struggle with Maths. Fractions being my nemesis. I had to do alot of algebra at uni, which when you are actually doing it for a reason is a piece of piss, its when the letters mean nothing that it seems illogical. I don't have a GCSE in Maths so i need to check if this is essential for PGCE. I did an access course and studies maths at A level but don't actually have the peice of paper.

Re the job, there is no job now - they didnt have enough work to keep DP and his mate on. I am inwardly stressed to the hilt about it but have tried to put on brave face for DP. We had a lovely day on the beach yesterday but ive been a stress pig today.

[whispywhisp]

Wow LEM! Good for you wanting to get back into a career. Would you want to teach children or adults? I saw a trailer for that programme you mentioned. Was it a blonde haired girl and her young boy and she struggled to teach him to read a book and would have to ring someone when she got stuck on a word? I think I saw her being interviewed on GMTV or something like that?

It's shocking isn't it that there are obviously adults out there who can't read or write. Very sad. I struggle when DD1 brings home maths homework and I get stuck on that...fractions and algebra really aren't my thing! I'm often ringing other Mums to see if they know how to do it! A mate of mine went back to college to study Maths and got her GCSEs cos she was worried she wouldn't know enough to help her son.

Sorry your DPs job isn't working out. You had your doubts a few days ago didn't you?

Yes I know a short break but I enjoyed having a day off yesterday. May take a few days out next week with DH off for two weeks now. Don't know whether to be happy he's off or not cos he really gets under my feet sometimes and its like having a 3rd child! xx

[lucyellensmum]

That was a short break whispy!! Im OK, DP is being a bit shite today - the job didn't work out so he is stressed. Well you know, its not my problem, i can't change it so he just has to get on with it. I saw a job in the paper today and was tempted to apply for it. DP has not got the hump because i said that on reflection, it would not be a job i would want to do - but he says i dont have the luxury of being choosy. Yes, he IS right, but this was a career job not a stop gap job that i could sensibly walk away from when something better came along. I wouldnt be happy as it would be working for an organisation i have little faith in. He doesn't seem to understand that work doesn;'t always have to be about money. I want to teach and im going to stick with that pathway. I saw a program on the tv the other night about adults that coudlnt read. It made me cry that these people had been let down in such a fundamental way by the education system and it had really marred their lives. It made me see that being part of someone;s education is eminently worthwhile. I have always had a hang up about jobs being worthwhile. Not just a money thing, what i mean is, i don't want to be working to line someone elses pocket. I would resent that. Maybe that makes me arrogant, i guess it certainly makes me niave, given our current financial state.

Im going to start looking for jobs but they are gonig to have to pay well as i will only be prepared to do this if DP will take a year out of working to look after DD before she starts school. It means to much to me that DD is looked after by either one of us and im not prepared to give up on that.

Sorry, but you did ask how i was doing - lol, rant over Still haven't heard from the community mental health scheme.

[whispywhisp]

LEM...how are you doing? xxxx

[whispywhisp]

I'm off...see you both again very soon I hope.

LEM...take great care of yourself please. You are a lovely lovely girl. You have given me some fantastic help and advice over the last few weeks. Email me whenever you want.

Korma...just 'thank you'...for everything

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[whispywhisp]

Hey LEM...did you know Korma does that too?

[lucyellensmum]

OH, sure she is, but i cant get my head around the archie thing, he looks like the sort of persob who would steal underwear from washing lines

[whispywhisp]

Oi!!! Korma and LEM look here

[whispywhisp]

Why? Does Miss Hooley having it away with PC Plum then? Blimey. I've got a lot of Balamory catching up to do!

[lucyellensmum]

i have been in denial about the PC plum thing, but now at least i know why there is a miss hooley doll in my bedroom with pins stuck in its eyes!

[lucyellensmum]

whispy, you need to go and lay down luv, he looks like a perv - yuck yuck yuck.

[lucyellensmum]

whispy, you need to go and lay down luv, he looks like a perv - yuck yuck yuck.

[whispywhisp]

So LEM...after lusting after PC Plum...did you have a good day? xx

[whispywhisp]

Hey! Korma...he's mine all mine - hands off! I like a man in a kilt! Having said that....DH in a kilt? Errr no thanks.

[whispywhisp]

OH MY GOD - you being serious? Nah, surely not! PC Bloody Plum? You having a laff! He swings the other way doesn't he? Whereas the inventor is more my style. Yep that curly hair, pink jumper and kilt. Yep he'll do me just nicely thanks. Now I can't think what his flipping name is...hang on...I'll go ask DD2!

[lucyellensmum]

Whispy, im really worried about me, it was the theatre you see, and the main person was PC plum. Today it was confirmed for me that i do actually have a bit of a "thing" about him

[whispywhisp]

LEM...good day? Theatre go ok? xxx

[whispywhisp]

Oh that's good I'm glad the flowers are doing ok. DH brought home a huge bunch of yellow Chyrsanthemums (sp?) yesterday - they are lovely - bright yellow and smell gorgeous...and I thought how kind and thoughtful of him and then I found the reduced sticker! He also brought home a load of reduced bread rolls, a box of jaffa cakes and a four pack of beer.....and here's me trying to stick to a grocery budget! My fault tho I guess cos I sent him to the pharmacy in Tescos to get DD2 some calamine cream for her prickly heat!

That sounds like fun going to the theatre today. I wanted to take my two down to our new local cinema but I'm not feeling too special today so maybe tomorrow. They're busy cutting and glueing bits of magazines pieces they've cut out and making up their own imaginary houses with rooms etc.

Hope you have a lovely day LEM...and don't go rushing around like a loony will you? xxxx

[lucyellensmum]

I'm good thanks We are going to the theatre later to see ceebeebies. DDs little friend is going too, not sure what to expect - bit worried she might freak out, but you have to try these things.

thankfully the weather isnt so humid today, i thought i might melt yesterday. Ive just changed the water in your flowers and they are still lovely, in fact they seem to just get better. Huge blooms and lovely smell. They are in the kitchen window which is good because its boarded up just now

Hope you have a good day.