I just don't know what to think anymore........................

[lucyellensmum]

I just don't know what is going on. We have been through some real financial shit, dp finally gets a job, great, fantastic, money worries over surely. So things would get better??? you would think so, but omg, since friday DP has been awful to me. I don't knwo whether i am coming or going. Im quite pissed to be honest and i shouldnt even be drinking but otherwise i think i might just die. He is being so, cold and hateful towards me. I confronted him and he said he wont leave because of DD, but just now he said thati should give him a few weeks to sort himself with a bedsit and that he will come to see DD. But he says he loves me. Says he can't put up with my shit anymore?? WTF, him getting a job was like a weight off my shoulders, i thought things would be OK, i really did......................now this, i just don't know what to think.

So i know i have been shit to live with, really awful even. But on Friday i was talking with a friend in front of him about PND an depression and she was really open about everything, it totally mirrored what i felt. You know, he was so attentive to her, was laughing and joking with the children with her. Playing running races with the buggies, and told me to hurry up and "roll along" to meet them, im a tad overweight, she has a lovely figure. I dismissed this actually. But honestly, since then he has been terrible with me. This person has managed to combat her pnd without drugs and has quite a positive outlook on the outside. Talking about alternative therapies etc.

I actually wonder if he wished i could be more like this person...........more positive, i thought i was trying, i really did. So my therapy comes out of a tablet bottle.....so what, does that make me any less a viable candidate for a cuddle, i mean, thats all i want really, someone to cuddle me, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. To feel their hands in my hair and have them hold me, really hold me close to them, like they want to protect me and like they really love me.

I have honestly taken so much contempt from him tonight, his excuse, he is tired, well you konw what, i am tired, im fucking tired of worrying about money,tired of worrying if he might leave me, tired of worrying that my eldest daughter hates me, im plain fuicking tired of being alive, but i am, im still here, living and breathing because I have a beautiful DD asleep in bed upstairs, but you know what, he is poisening her against me, he says things like "mummys a nutter" things like that.

Im only like this because i am so LONELY and in need of a hug, i miss my dad so much, i broke down about this tonighht, he laughed, said, oh, not this again.

He is being HATEFUL, i know he is having a hard time, but i cannot be his emotional punch bag, i wish he would hit me, really bloody hurt me, i know its what i deserve really, at least i would have some physical pain that i could measure and say, look, this is what you ahve done to me, please feel sorry for this, please take pity on me and love me again....i jsut want him to love me again, he did you know, he loved me so much, and i him, it was wonderful, 15 years of heaven, we didn't argue, we made love EVERY single day, and we held hands and touched each other, looked at each other with love in our eyes, admiration and respect. Now im lucky if i get contempt, cos that is better than nothing isnt it

Dont mind me, im pissed, but im tired, lonvely, and i miss my dad and i am so angry cos he is dead and i cant believe he has left me like this, his princess, all alone, this wasn't supposed to happen and im scared really so totally and utterly scared

[expatinscotland]

'DP says i must not go to the doctors because they will take DD away.'

If you don't get the help you need you may be in a far worse state when it comes to look after your child than if you don't.

[lucyellensmum]

expat, i am honestly surprised that you mention lots of drunken posts. Not that i don't believe you, but i honestly didnt think i did that much, really. But, i'll take your word for it. What has become very apparent though is that whilst i can happily drink the odd glass with no ill effects i react very badly to too much. So, that is, hopefully that. No more boozing for me. Im not going to say not another drop will pass my lips but that im not going to sit and drink a whole bottle of wine. Because of the fact i can quite happily sit and drink a bottle in an evening i wont buy it. If it is in the house i'll drink it. If its not, i'm not fussed, i wont go out and buy it. But you saying this Expat has worried me actually so i am going to make a concious effort to put that right.

I am now very skeptical about the help i can get from the doctors as i went to the docs not so long ago and said, look, this anxiety is crippling me, she just gave me more tablets. I asked again for a referral to CBT and she told me that i wont be able to get this on NHS around here . For some reason i can't seem to bring myself to ask for pyschiatric refferal because im scared of not being able to stop the ride as it were.

prettyfly, i need to get repeat meds this week so i am not procrastinating. I will make an appointment tomorrow for the end of the week but if i have another shit night like last night, i'll get a book on the day appointment.

The thing is, im not sure what else they can do for me tbh. This has to come from ME at the end of the day. Im already on medication, ive had counselling (waste of time, made me worse) so what else would a psych referral achieve. DP is terrified that if i do this they will section me and of course i don't want that either. I did start a thread about accupuncture as a friend has said that she has had this and found it very effective. I believe this could really help me as i feel my anxiety issues are hardwired. I feel this because they have been with me for a long LONG time. So I have a number for this. DP said that if we feel it will work then he is happy to find the money for it - that is lovely of him because it is MEGA money. He is scared witless poor sod. I have to get out of this. I am not going to lose my family because of this, i wont (stamping feet).

I don't know why i did what i did last night, it is superficial to be honest but that doesn't make it right. Im not sure i even wanted to damage myself, it was like a test to see how much pain i could take (not much lol). I felt quite exhilerated by it tbh. I used to do this as a teenager and it was the same for me then.

Two postors have mentioned bi-polar here. This worries me because i have looked this up and i don't tick hardly any of the boxes in my own mind. I was just wondering if you read this again if you could say what makes you feel that, im interested.

I know i seem like i am waffling but this is sooo helpful for me, just getting out there in front of me, so i can try and understand why i am in this state.

pretty, money has been a huge huge strain for DP and i over the past few years. It is not the cause of my anxiety and depression but it is a definate trigger and the pressure has been constant. So of course i dont expect it all to go away when the money starts to come in, but i have to hope for some improvement once we are able to feel a bit more stable. Does that make sense?

You guys are sooo kind to listen to this, i know its all a bit bullshitty and waffly but im just typing as i think and it is very useful.

I think it IS a fair comment to say that i have been attention seeking as i totally recognise this as one of my traits. It is part of my personality and in some ways it is good, in other ways, like last night, its very bad. I don't think the postors who said this were being unfair.

Bonkers is a fair description too. I was walking back through the town from my walk and i saw a keyring it said "medicated and motivated" I laughed and thought I must get this. But WTF, its not a good thing to be depressed, why am i revelling in it so much. Its like it is validating me as a person to have this label. Its almost like i want a bi-polar diagnosis as this makes me "important" whats all that about?

Im going to shut up now, thankyou to anyone who has waded through this, you must be very confused by now

[bossybritches]

Forget booking an appointment for Friday LEM get one tomorrow on the urgent list, regardless of what sort of night you have!

[Janos]

LEM, I haven't read all your posts but you posted a very kind message on my thread in AIBU so I wanted to add my support, Sorry things are so bad for you.

I suffered very badly with PND and I know it's hard. And I know what it's like to have money worries.

You sound under a lot of strain.

What you typed sounds a lot like me at my worst', I do't think you will be sectioned either. Happy to talk if you want to.

[expatinscotland]

I used to booze it up big time on Prozac, LEM. Seriously, it was bad.

But sometimes just a change of meds can help.

Alcohol actually makes me a bit sick on sertraline.

Is there another GP at your surgery you can see who can refer you to psych consultant?

[expatinscotland]

i think psych consult can help because a) they can probably devote more time to talking with you to find out what exactly your condition is, be it PND, clinical depression, bi-polar, etc. b) they can work with you about what meds and counselling is going to best suit you and your needs.

they don't section people unless they're a danger to themselves and others.

[lucyellensmum]

expat, you know what im like, i wallow in self pity, i then like to post on here about the slightest little slight that my long suffering DP makes. Could it actually be that i am just a bit of a brat? Seriously?? My counsellor actually said to me once "LEM has anyone EVER said no to you?" i had to answer honestly and say "are you mad?? no one would DARE"lol. Could it simply be a case of me indulging myself here?

I am honestly wondering if the meds are making me worse, they work so well for the anxiety and keep it pretty much at bay (or at least the panic attacks - i have lots of other anxiety symptoms) but i just feel miserable.

DP says to me, why can't i just live my life, its like i go looking for problems that are not there, or make mountains out of molehils. Im not downing myself i am honestly trying to dissect what makes me like this.

[Janos]

Yesm LEM, wat expat said. It really is very difficult to be sectioned.

LEM I don't think you sound like a brat, but you do sound like you are under a lot of stress.

I was on prozac as well and drinking does aggravate things so not a good idea.

There is nothing erong with talking, better than bottling it all up and it comes out the 'wrong' way.

[prettyfly1]

hey there - its no bother its what we are here for. seriously its not attention seeking - its called "need for validation" and its a recognised symptom of most serious anxiety and depressions. Your own self worth is so low that this kind of support is vital to keep you afloat. That is totally different to attention seeking which is what people do when they make shit up to get this kind of support. There is a very clear distinction and its important that you recognise it.

Also its good that you recognise the feeling of being attached to your depression, again a very common symptom - reality is almost impossible to deal with when you are so down so the depression becomes a shield against it. . I also recognise the feeling of not being able to breathe, hating yourself, blaming yourself and hurting yourself. I did it a long time ago and i did go into a psyche ward for a week. I came back to life and so can you but you really really need to get help NOW. I didnt have a child at that point in time and i guard myself against a return to depression constantly. Psychiatrists understand that depression isnt a crime. its an illness - not a disease an illness and it can be treated but the cure is different according to each person and thats why its so important you find someway to do it. And dont stop talking.

[Janos]

Sorry very bad typing here. Hope that made sense!

[expatinscotland]

i think you may need a several pronged approach, LEM, a combination of counselling, medication and some lifestyle changes that you'll need to implement and really work on, because change takes time.

but it's not impossible.

i think it will need to start with finding a more sympathetic GP and getting a referral for a psych consultant.

[Janos]

Please do get some counselling LEM, give it another go.

And do go for a referral with psych consultant!

Not just waffling, been there myself. I really do sympathise. Very good advice from expat.

[expatinscotland]

oh, god, yes, get another counsellor!

thing is, it's like my DD1's special needs, you have to fight your corner ALL THE TIME, and it does get wearing.

but it's sooo, soooo worth it.

[Janos]

PND can affect you so badly, it did me. Don't discount it. Honestly you are not a brat. Sounds to me like you need some support - you are in very stressful circumtances, don't underestimate the effect that can have on you.

Sorry to sound like a greek chorus but what expat is saying, in buckets and spades.

[prettyfly1]

lem - i dont know if any one you have worked with so far has taken the time to explain depression to you properly but if you really want to get well - and you are so not a brat - your ill and with everything you have had going on i am not surprised - but you can do a lot for yourself. One of the biggest cures for this illness is lifestyle changes.

Cut down on caffeine (anxiety)
Structure your day - get up at the same time and plan activities so that the mental loop is broken.
NO ALCHOHOL
Look at your diet. With money tight its incredibly hard but fresh fruit and a balanced diet really helps your body start to rebalance.
Excersize. Tough when there is feck all motivation but possible. Walking your dog every day counts. It releases endorphins and balances seratonin which is the chemical thats out of whack - causing depression.

None of this however is a replacement for the right medication, emotional support - are there any groups in your area, is there a homestart organisation? Councelling and time. You need to patient with yourself and also your partner.

Good luck love but please dont let this go.

[prettyfly1]

and i am joing the greek chorus of the other girls. what expat and janos said.

[lucyellensmum]

there is some fantastic advice here tonight - thankyou soo much. I am however going a bit cross eyed here as i am knackered. DP has obviously fallen asleep putting DD to bed. Im loathe to wake him as he has work tomorrow so i might go to bed.

Just one question, how on earth do i get a psych refferal?? I almost feel like i have to do something extreme to get this? Im sorry but im too ashamed to say about the self harm to the GP and scared that they will either section me or take my DD. I did have a psych referral for self harm when i was younger, but i just had one session i think and was put on ADs, i think i took one prescription worth and never followed it up. I think they were placebos to be honest. I'm NOT suicidal, lol, that is my utmost fear (health anxiety!) dying so im unlikely to be suicidal but i actually feel that a suicide attempt would be the only thing to make the doctors sit up and listen. Don't worry though, that aint gonna happen. I guess i say that because i do know some people with mental illness and they are much worse than me. One girl i knew was a schizophrenic and i promise you, she was proper screwed up . I don't want to waste a psych referral if i dont really need it, does that make sense. Mental health resources are stretched as it is and it is not fair for someone like me to demand their attention if i dont really need it - does that make sense??

Everyone has stress, heaven knows we hae had our fair share. what concerns me is my reaction to stress just now, i fall apart where i would have coped before.

[expatinscotland]

it is hard to motivate yourself. oh, i agree. but you just do it day by day, hour by hour because it has to be done. it's like managing any other illness. you know, if you had had a heart attack, you'd be scared shitless about leaving your kids behind and you'd make some SERIOUS changes.

this is no different.

be creative with diet - tinned fruid, dried fruit, fruit juices and frozen veg count!

i invested in a SAD lamp - works wonders.

just going out in daylight and pegging the wash or doing some gardening - great for the circadian rhythm and exercise, too.

my yoga DVDs have really helped with my panic attacks, which can get really bad, and i'm loving my hypnotherapy CD.

[expatinscotland]

i was referred by my GP with no problem, mainly because i've had PND and AND twice now.

but if you don't have a sympathetic GP, i'd see another GP in your surgery or even ask your HV for some help and explain the situation.

[Janos]

Well LEM..what I did was go to dictords and insist. I just knew there was something very very wrong with me and how I was feeling.

I was completely honest when I went to docs, about how I was feeling.

I was very lucky in having a supportive health visitor (they do exist).

With the falling apart thing. I think...someone once described to me a situation with a glass. Imagine the glass is full. Even a small drop makes it overflow. That is what being very stressed is like. Because you are under a lot of stress right now, even the smallest thing makes your stress 'overflow'. It seems terrible and difficult to cope with.

If you did not have a lot of stress you would deal with it more easily.

Think of it that way - if it makes sense!

[lucyellensmum]

prettyfly, thanks. The ironic thing is i do have quite a good understanding of depression and how it works at a physical level. I have rationalised it so many times on threads to other people who were feeling shit. Because i think it does help to be able to pin point a physical cause, or effect. But knowing all of this isnt enough at times.

But yes, actually, my diet is shit, i dont get enough exercise, although i probably walk about five miles a day (because i do this all the time, its not like exercise if that makes any sense). I CAN give up alcohol, i can TRY and give up caffeine, not promising on that one .

You post an awful lot of sense though, i will try and put some of your advice to use. I have sat around waiting for other people to make me better, im slowly coming to realise that its not going to happen, it has to come from ME. My partner CANT help me, he just can't id toesnt mean he doesnt want to though. I do love him so much, terrified its too late. RIght, im starting to brood, its time for bed.

[Janos]

Sorry..dictords . I mean doctors.

[lucyellensmum]

wooooo, hypnotherapy, too scary for me. I so get what you are saying about being outside, im hating this shit weather just now, now really im going to bed lol

[expatinscotland]

i thought it would be scary, too, LEM, but i do not want to feel the way i did whilst giving birth to DD2. omg, that was the fucking mother of all panic attacks and i'm a panic attacker. i seriously wanted to run down a corridor screaming. it was even worse than the middle-of-the-night panic attack where you wake up feeling like you are utterly suffocating and get up and just pace up and down and even though you know it will pass, at the time it seems like it won't.

i like the CD because i feel in control of it.