I just don't know what to think anymore........................

[lucyellensmum]

I just don't know what is going on. We have been through some real financial shit, dp finally gets a job, great, fantastic, money worries over surely. So things would get better??? you would think so, but omg, since friday DP has been awful to me. I don't knwo whether i am coming or going. Im quite pissed to be honest and i shouldnt even be drinking but otherwise i think i might just die. He is being so, cold and hateful towards me. I confronted him and he said he wont leave because of DD, but just now he said thati should give him a few weeks to sort himself with a bedsit and that he will come to see DD. But he says he loves me. Says he can't put up with my shit anymore?? WTF, him getting a job was like a weight off my shoulders, i thought things would be OK, i really did......................now this, i just don't know what to think.

So i know i have been shit to live with, really awful even. But on Friday i was talking with a friend in front of him about PND an depression and she was really open about everything, it totally mirrored what i felt. You know, he was so attentive to her, was laughing and joking with the children with her. Playing running races with the buggies, and told me to hurry up and "roll along" to meet them, im a tad overweight, she has a lovely figure. I dismissed this actually. But honestly, since then he has been terrible with me. This person has managed to combat her pnd without drugs and has quite a positive outlook on the outside. Talking about alternative therapies etc.

I actually wonder if he wished i could be more like this person...........more positive, i thought i was trying, i really did. So my therapy comes out of a tablet bottle.....so what, does that make me any less a viable candidate for a cuddle, i mean, thats all i want really, someone to cuddle me, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. To feel their hands in my hair and have them hold me, really hold me close to them, like they want to protect me and like they really love me.

I have honestly taken so much contempt from him tonight, his excuse, he is tired, well you konw what, i am tired, im fucking tired of worrying about money,tired of worrying if he might leave me, tired of worrying that my eldest daughter hates me, im plain fuicking tired of being alive, but i am, im still here, living and breathing because I have a beautiful DD asleep in bed upstairs, but you know what, he is poisening her against me, he says things like "mummys a nutter" things like that.

Im only like this because i am so LONELY and in need of a hug, i miss my dad so much, i broke down about this tonighht, he laughed, said, oh, not this again.

He is being HATEFUL, i know he is having a hard time, but i cannot be his emotional punch bag, i wish he would hit me, really bloody hurt me, i know its what i deserve really, at least i would have some physical pain that i could measure and say, look, this is what you ahve done to me, please feel sorry for this, please take pity on me and love me again....i jsut want him to love me again, he did you know, he loved me so much, and i him, it was wonderful, 15 years of heaven, we didn't argue, we made love EVERY single day, and we held hands and touched each other, looked at each other with love in our eyes, admiration and respect. Now im lucky if i get contempt, cos that is better than nothing isnt it

Dont mind me, im pissed, but im tired, lonvely, and i miss my dad and i am so angry cos he is dead and i cant believe he has left me like this, his princess, all alone, this wasn't supposed to happen and im scared really so totally and utterly scared

[ToughDaddy]

LEM- I am confused but you are not a bad person. Coping with death and debt at the same time would challenge the best of us. Only a few random points to make:

1)You are an intelligent person

2)I don't like how you refer to being a SAHMs; my wife used to be SAHM and I don't like some people's attitude to SAHM

3)Are you using exercise along side your medication? You can get a lot of feel good from exercise which also helps especially when you are in a bad patch.

4)If you are nervous about entering the work place, child care permitting, have you considered doing a less challenging job to begin with?

Best way to secure future of your DD and your relationship is to look after yourself. So take some control and fight your way back. YOu must have some experience of fightback from your studies. take care

[ToughDaddy]

...your DP will be full of admiration if you take control and start the fight back.

[prettyfly1]

not hypnotherapy love - try a relacation cd - you learn to have awareness of stress in your body and control it yourself over time. it makes a huge difference and i didnt believe it once either. look at it this way. buy a cd - try it for a month, if it fails you lost a tenner if it works you gained more control and mental stability. come on girl you have to get up! dont think about your relationship right now - you cant save it if you cant think clearly and you cant do that until you get the help and support you need. let us know how you are tomorrow and i hope you get some sleep.

[prettyfly1]

relacation - honestly - relaxation.

[SparklePrincess]

Your DP sounds like a complete arse to be honest. Do you think he could have somebody else? Its quite usual for a man to treat their wife/partner like crap when theyre playing away. It helps to stop their own guilt if it is somehow your fault.

[expatinscotland]

i won't lie, it's sort of a pain in the arse.

i'm the laziest mutha fucka by nature, i really am.

having to force myself to exercise, use my SAD lamp, do my CDs and yoga, get into a routine for going to bed, not drink everyda, etc.

but what keeps me going is not wanting to be so miserable.

[MrsMacaroon]

ok, in my book bonkers = silly... not a slur on the depressed/mentally ill etc

Also, to me it was obvious that LEM's husband was not going to leave her and this was a spat.

Also I checked if she was posting on other threads around the time she started this one and she was so I wasn't too worried about her and reckoned she was mostly pissed.

I stand by my post as I think LEM really does need to ask herself what she really wants rather than just acting out to get any kind of attention (I also don't think that attention seeking is a bad thing but it can become very destructive when you crave ANY attention, even negative...I've known women that found themselves in very dangerous situations this way). I also found myself wanting to do such things in a previous relationship and actually once waited for hours in a fucking laundry basket so that he could discover me and realise how shitty he'd been. How embarrassing. It's a natural reaction when you feel hurt, to want the person to realise and acknowledge your pain but sometimes you need to control that instinct and behave with maturity and respect, for his feelings and your own. I think that would be possible for you if you raised your self-esteem by facing up to some of your fears and phobias, perhaps with the help of a counsellor.

I find your old counsellors comment about 'nobody ever saying no' to you very interesting LEM and your honesty about this is a step forward...if you do get a referral this would be a helpful thing to explore and I'm sure it would help your relationship if you could look at ways to 'let go' and tactics to deal with your fears, insecurities (particularly surrounding your relationship with your DH) and phobias rather than acting in such a knee jerk way. CBT might be helpful for example.

For the record my husband is a long term sufferer of depression so I fully understand the frustrations of someone suffering from this illness (and I have suffered from depression to a serious level and have fought with anxiety and panic attacks most of my adult life) BUT I also have real feeling for the partner of a depressive- it can be just as hard for them.

[ScottishMummy]

LEM - drag yourself off MN and along to your GP.you have some talking and some figuring out to do

be candid and honest with GP

dont rule out AD they can and do work.

if you had a heart problem you would take beta blockers so why deny yourself appropriate medication for low mood

consider getting referred to a CMHT and they can visit you at home

so do engage with services, allow someone else to work through this with you

deal with the immediate do-able stuff at the moment.

dont expect quick resolution - takes time to get low.takes time to recover

most of all, get yourself along to see your GPO for initial consultation and Ax
GP are very skilled - the majority of mental health presenations are successfully managed in Community with GP and CMHT

[lucyellensmum]

Sparkle - my DP is not an arse! And the poor sod doesn't have TIME to play away. He is just a good man who is out of his depths with his partners problems that he is trying to understand.

Expat - thankyou, i like your tone

Pretty fly thanks once again for your comments. I have a nickname as part of my email called flypusher by the way (i just thought i'd share that).

MrsMac - I'm sorry but i hooted with laughter reading about your laundry basket escapade (stop giving me ideas!) because that sounds like the sort of bonkers thing that i would do. I was not upset or offended by your posts at all because i think you are spot on in what you say so i appreciate your honesty. It has been terribly hard for DP and i feel awful, he has enough of his own pressure and he doesn't need me to be doing this to him right now. I am actually quite worried about him too. I keep telling him to go to the doctors but he is now saying that he hates what my tablets have done to me. He is wrong about that, he needs to remember what i was like before i started them. I mean, bonkers didn't even begin to describe . It was almost like i created the scenario that happened over the weekend. DP was "off" and irritable, so i managed to turn it around and make it all about me when what he needed was a bit of support himself. I don't think that it is my fault, i can't help it but just the same, tough for him.

I have made an appointment for Friday evening to go to the doctors (reminds myself to check that i actually do have enough tablets to last til friday). This was at the best time because i want DP to come with me. I also want to be in a strong state of mind when i go there - right now i'll just burst into tears and get a sympathetic pat on the back - believe me, this has happened before. My actual doctor is on maternity leave (inconsiderate mare!), i hated her locum but this doctor who i am seeing is nice, not overly sympathetic and will refer me im sure if i acutally ask. One of the reasons i want to leave it a bit is because i think my disasterous night on saturday was indeed fueled by alcohol, stupid thing to do and i am very angry with myself.

Tough Daddy, im so sorry to offend you re the SAHM thing. I love being an SAHM but have been made to feel very guilty for sticking to my guns and donig it. I am so glad i have. Now i have another year at home with DD and im going to enjoy it. She will be at school soon (too soon) then i can go back to work. I know exactly what you mean by attitudes to SAHMs but lets not start that old chestnut on here . Thankyou, it was nice to get a mans perspective.

I woke up this morning feeling terrible, really scared and sad. But i feel OK ish now. I can get through this week, get a bit straight in my head then go and talk to the doctor. I do have a lovely HV but i don't want to worry her.

thankyou again everyone for your kind and honest words. I have a feeling you guys will know im on the mend when my posts are a couple of sentences rather than epic waffles

[lucyellensmum]

SM im already on two lots of ADs I have tried to get them to refer me to CMHT, but they dont seem to get it.

[prettyfly1]

sparkle there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever to suggest he is playing away. I have been on both sides of the depressive equation - been the one with and nearly destroyed the person i was with because i was so difficult to deal with and recently came out of being with a depressive and he came very close to sending me to the point of breakdown and i am very very strong. Its very very difficult, frustrating and at times infuriating and 80% of people in lkong term relationships witih someone with a moderate to serious depression end up needing support themselves. lucy - are there any family support groups in your area -perhaps your partner could do with some education about your condition?

[Janos]

Glad you are feeling a bit better LEM.

You do need to be quite pushy about seeing CMHT and 'insist' on it if you like. I badgered the docs so much they got sick of me I think .

And I tell you what DO talk to your HV because she is there to help. I couldn't have got through without the support of mine, she was just wonderful.

[lucyellensmum]

I'm Ok Hedgewitch - we all have our crosses to bear. I always said i would never let money get me down - well, that was when i had it. I am praying that side of things will settle down as DP started work on a site today with potentially an 18 month run of work. Im hoping it works out because of the recession there were few jobs out there and we had an uncomfortable week when DP was looking. Usually he can get work just by picking up the phone but not this time. So it must be very hard for lots of people. It will be like the 90s all over again im afraid, although i am hoping that interests don't do a massive jump as that will be the final straw for us.

I feel more positive today, I went for a lovely walk along the beach with DD and my mums dog. Had to leave my little legs at home because i can't do two mad dogs and a toddler Then when we were walking back, someone had put a big treasure trunk of children paints out the front of their house with please take written on it. So now we have a whole chest full of paints which was great because we had run out .

I'm now busy boiling up some chicken carcasses!! I feel like Nigella Lawson. DD is waiting for me to go and do painting with her so im smiling today.

Not heard from DP but he is in a phone black spot so not too worried. Would have been nice to talk to him though, find out how its going.

[whispywhisp]

LEM....oh dear...I wish I'd seen this before now. I'm so sorry you've had such a terrible time of it. You should've emailed me.

How are you? xxxxxxxxxxx

[whispywhisp]

LEM...thanks for replying to my email. Glad you're doing better today. Email me if you ever want a natter, or ring, text etc...you're not on your own on this...a problem shared etc etc.

Take care of YOU. xxxxx

[lucyellensmum]

Christ, ive just read my OP i really wasn't very fair to my DP in that at all. No lies, but all from my perspective, i know you havent read it DP, but i am very sorry. I love you and i hope we can get through this together.

[whispywhisp]

LEM....oh bless you. xxxxx

You will get thru this bloody awful patch. We all go thru them at some point in our relationships with our partners. I've had my fair share I can tell you.

A lot of my problems with my DH stem from the sudden loss of my Dad. I was crying in bed the other night, after another awful evening with my DH, and all I could think of was my lovely Dad who died 2.5yrs ago. He always comes into my mind when I'm low and I'm sure the loss of him is the root cause (sometimes) of why DH and I simply can't get on. I have this awful knack of comparing the two of them and my Dad always fairs better and if I can't have my Dad I don't want any bloke in my life, including DH. Its not his fault that my Dad died. My Dad would be horrified if he knew how I can be with DH and its that thought that makes me look at myself and be more determined to change my ways. When I look back I know that if it hadn't have been for DH I would never have got thru the loss of Dad, visiting him in the Chapel of Rest, going thru with the funeral etc etc. DH was and always will be my rock in life. He has taken the brunt of how I have been ever since and yes I lash out and yes I know thats wrong but who else can I off-load to?

Money is also a huge issue with DH and I and sheer lack of it. But y'know what? Love doesn't cost a penny. Love is free. Love is there...you just have to go get it. I know if I went up to my DH tonight and gave him a cuddle he would burst into tears because I have pushed him away for so long. He gave me a cuddle this morning and it was nice cos it was a totally innocent and loving cuddle and whereas before I'd have pushed him away I didn't, I let him do it. He needs cuddles just as much as we do.

Anyway enough of me waffling. I'm good at waffling.

Tell your DP you love him when he comes home LEM. That'll mean so much to him. xxxxx

[lucyellensmum]

tell you what whispy - i'll give my old man a cuddle tonight if you give yours one too . Have you thought any more about ADs?

[whispywhisp]

Beat yer! He's already given me a cuddle! Then got distracted by DD2 who was throwing a wobbler over her banana being too bruised! But I'm sure we'll catch up later

[expatinscotland]

LEM, you are often apologising for how you portray your partner.

PLEASE focus on yourself just now and getting the help you need.

[lucyellensmum]

blimey, sounds like our house When DD was smaller she had what we called her "sex radar". It honestly didn't make any difference how much other noise we made she wouldnt wake up. The minute there was an amorous advance so she would wake up. It is still quite finely tuned now.

I have a doctors appointment expat - im going to ask DP to come with me so we can push for some more help.

His first day at work was OK, he isn't terribly enthusiastic about it really, because it might not be as good pay as he was lead to believe, but at the moment some money is better than no money.

Ah, im a bit behind with the cuddles, he is still putting DD to bed.

[whispywhisp]

Morning NJM....xxxx

LEM - how are things? xxxx

[lucyellensmum]

hi girls, im ok, well i would be if i didnt have this bloody cold!!!