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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not name changing......I am not sure if I should, BUT, why should I be ashamed????/

158 replies

Psychomum5 · 11/07/2008 22:22

I am still not sure if I am doing the right thing, but here goes, fully in........

I am having difficulty.

DH and I are, for the most part, very happily married. very, and for which I know I should be feeling very lucky for, and very fortunate for......BUT

we had a small (well, not so small really) problem 3yrs ago.

he did something with another woman, a paid type of woman.......but a woman that was not found or instgated by him.

he was working away a lot, he is the 'owner' of a building gang, and they had work away for which he employed people for.

now, one such 'bloke' was single (among married men) and this one night, brought this woma back to the digs.

I have no idea, in all honesty, how it all occured.......so I will not say as I could be lying or angry about and so exagerating.

suffice to say, DH did something, then caught something, and gave it to me.

now, to all intent;s and purposes, we have got over it, I was treated, we got councelling, and we are fine.........not least because we were and are happy, we have a fab family, and I can see us growing old together........all makers for a happy marriage.

BUT

the guy that started this was at the time sacked (on my say so) and DH promised to not go away to anywhere that I could not trust him for......until I was fine again.

all ok????

no.....the guy that (in my head) is the instigator, is back working with them again....and I am feeling like shit. I cannot get past this trust issue again....and DH has noticed me being unhappy..as have the kiddies, and me....I am stressed out all the time

I want to get past it, I want to be okay again, I want not to have to tell DH that this man working for them again has worked me up to this degree......

help me see sense again please

OP posts:
Flashman · 12/07/2008 21:42

Sorry crap fingers - I meant to put I NEVER said it proudly - it was a statement of fact.

HunnphreyCushion · 12/07/2008 21:44

It was

"But it is still a true fact there are not many idiocy that a many would not consider where Sex or Money is involved (and me that is not original either, but it is still a valid point)"

that prompted my "huh?"

Flashman · 12/07/2008 21:49

hmm I really can not play poker and type messages. My crap point was something along the lines that there is No folly to great for a man if either Sex or Money are involved.

RegenerAitch · 12/07/2008 21:51

oh right, saying someone is talking shite is the same as telling them to fuck off. you are bang out of order.

btw, Robin Williams is a comedian...

Flashman · 12/07/2008 21:53

So does that make the point wrong? And as you said many other have said similar too.

I don't think so - both are rude.

RegenerAitch · 12/07/2008 21:56

imo and ime it's said by men who don't like to keep their cocks to themselves. i simply Do Not Buy the pathetic theory that men have no self-control. it's ludicrous and depressing.

and give me a break, flashman, you were utterly aggressive there, to me, directly. i was referring a shite point you'd made some many posts previously. if you don't see the difference, then you're a boor.

RegenerAitch · 12/07/2008 22:01

oh and re this

"By Flashman on Sat 12-Jul-08 21:28:20
fuck off Aitch - I might not know about the parenting stuff - but i do know men"

bad form on two counts.
one, the aggressive swearing.
two, you are clearly referencing another thread that you were on yesterday, when you were advising parents on how they should feel and behave when their children are humiliated in shops. it was i who first pointed out that your feelings may change when you actually become a parent. evidently this has narked you, but it's very poor MN form of you to behave in this fashion and drag arguments across threads.

Twinklemegan · 12/07/2008 22:02
Flashman · 12/07/2008 22:03

My god why so precious??

And lake of self control you put 100 men in a room alone with a naked supermodel - who said they really wanted them - and there was a 1 in 100 chance that you would get caught - I am willing to stake a years salary that at least 80 % would go for it. They would not really sit there thinking well what happens if I get caught, how upset will my wife be ect. And i am not talking about affairs as that is totally different - I mean just one off no strings sex.

lulumama · 12/07/2008 22:05

Flashman on Sat 12-Jul-08 10:38:44
Oh and lulumama I am not sure it would be a concious decision. The best way I ever heard it put was that God gave man a Dick and a Brain, but only enough blood to power one at a time.

well, tis a good job you are not my DH flashman

why do men absolve other men of the responsibility by making out their dicks are more powerful than their brains?

it is immature, and the sort of crap i would maybe expect from a 17 year old, not a grown man

to get an erection might well be involuntary , to contemplate sex with a willing available female, is less involuntary, to take off your pants, and put your penis in that woman;s vagina, there is nothing involuntary in that.

what a crock of misogynist crap

RegenerAitch · 12/07/2008 22:08

whatever, flashman... i really think you're talking shite. what i don't want to do is get into a dissection of how dissimilar your fantasy scenario is to the OP's dh's situation, as she seems to have come to some form of resolution as to what she should do.

suffice it to say, however, you must have a very low opinion of yourself and your fellow man.

Flashman · 12/07/2008 22:09

err no lots of people have pointed out feelings change - that is hardly an insight. And i was not advising her on parent issues, rather on AIBU.

And I still mantain that it would have been better for you to just put you disagreed not that I was talking shite. Then I would not have told you to fuck off.

RegenerAitch · 12/07/2008 22:10

well thanks for the lesson in how to behave on MN, flashman. and fuck off.

Flashman · 12/07/2008 22:11

Oh I have a really low view on men -

Flashman · 12/07/2008 22:17

yes very good - you are clearly upset now perhaps you should go for a walk and take a break. And i did not resolve her husband - I think going back I said to still be wary of this other man that her husband has hired back, as I do know that type. Further comments from there are to expand why I think men are twats in Gerneral not related to the OP.

Do you even read what is written - or do you just project what you want?

RegenerAitch · 12/07/2008 22:19

lol at the very idea that you in any way resolved the situation re the OP's husband, that's not what i said at all. what a raging egomaniac you are.

Flashman · 12/07/2008 22:23

Sorry that is not what i meant same comment instead of resolve use absolve.

As I said I should not play poker and type.

HunnphreyCushion · 12/07/2008 22:24

Good on you for apologising, Flashman.

Flashman · 12/07/2008 22:27

Well if that makes every one happy I am sorry then.

daftpunk · 12/07/2008 22:28

you're playing poker and posting on mn? wow...you know how to live life on the edge!

Flashman · 12/07/2008 22:29

Oh and RegenerAitch I am impressed it normally takes someone more than two day to pick me as a raging egomaniac.

RegenerAitch · 12/07/2008 22:31

hang on, so you were telling lulumama she should go for a walk, then? i think maybe it's you who needs to clear your head, mate.

Flashman · 12/07/2008 22:32

No i was telling you to go for a walk - you seemed upset.

And yes i really know how to party poker and MN. Woo me.

RegenerAitch · 12/07/2008 22:34

hmmm, see all that 'you seem upset' business, flashman? very manipulative... i think i'm building an all-too-accurate picture of you, tbh.

Flashman · 12/07/2008 22:40

manipulative - what the hell are you on? I suggested that you seem to be getting upset, if not fine - Stay go do what ever I really could not care less so why would I be manipulative?